I have to go in for my dd's IEP meeting today. Updated.

[Mergath]

Updated, #37.

 

Otherwise known as, "Sit around the big table in the conference room and point out all the myriad reasons why Mergath is a terrible mother who is going to forever ruin her daughter by homeschooling and is a selfish and horrible human being," day.

 

I can't wait until dd doesn't need any more speech therapy. :glare:

 

I have a horrible cold at the moment. At least I can have the satisfaction of sneezing on them.

[kiwi3129]

:grouphug:

Just wanted to give you a big hug. I remember those days, and I don't miss them at all. I would always leave almost in tears. I felt like nothing was accomplished except endless professionals telling me what was wrong with my daughter. They never really had any suggestions, just criticism. Once we started homeschooling, we weren't eligible for any services so no more IEP meetings! Although I never did it, I now always suggest that parents take a friend with them. At least you then have one person who is there only to support you. Hope it goes better than you anticipated.

[Chris in VA]

Been there--hopefully they will offer more support than that!!

Ds was in speech for several years, before we hs'ed. It was artic and comprehension (he was undiag aspie). IEPs always made me feel inadequate, too, but I wasn't. Neither are you.

Hang in there.

[AnIslandGirl]

:grouphug:

Wishing you and the team an easy meeting today.

[Amy in NH]

The health insurance that my kids have pays for independent speech therapy... you might want to see if yours covers it.

 

You might be able to find a volunteer special education advocate to attend IEP meetings with you.

[Alexigail]

Our first IEP is tomorrow and I'm so nervous! I am going to be putting him in preschool for awhile so that he can receive more services. But my goal is to ultimately homeschool him. I don't think that's going to go over well. Good luck. You know you're doing the right thing for her. Hugs.

[hillfarm]

Perhaps you could approach this from a position of strength. No one in that room will be more of an expert on your dd than you. They each bring their own part of the pie to the table, but you are the ultimate authority and have absolute veto power. If this is a public school setting, you pay their salaries, in reality they work for you. You do not have to keep them happy - they have to keep you happy.

 

I don't know whether you get the chance or want to speak up, but if you do, be sure to have a prepared list of things you want to see happen or stop happening. It might help to review your legal rights within the system before you go, so if anyone proposes anything you don't want, you can ask them how that squares with Statute123.4 section 3.

[Mergath]

 

You might be able to find a volunteer special education advocate to attend IEP meetings with you.

 

Would that be someone through the school, or independent? My biggest problem at the IEP meetings is that several of the people who attend are vehemently, rabidly anti-homeschooling and like to use this opportunity to tear me down over it. These people do not pass the bean dip.

[hillfarm]

Tell them, "Thank you for your input regarding homeschooling. Please rest assured this is not a decision we came to without serious research and consideration. Now, I believe this meeting is about Johnny's speech therapy, so perhaps it would be best if we stayed on topic."

[Mergath]

Perhaps you could approach this from a position of strength. No one in that room will be more of an expert on your dd than you. They each bring their own part of the pie to the table, but you are the ultimate authority and have absolute veto power. If this is a public school setting, you pay their salaries, in reality they work for you. You do not have to keep them happy - they have to keep you happy.

 

I don't know whether you get the chance or want to speak up, but if you do, be sure to have a prepared list of things you want to see happen or stop happening. It might help to review your legal rights within the system before you go, so if anyone proposes anything you don't want, you can ask them how that squares with Statute123.4 section 3.

 

 

I think I'm going to print this out and bring it with me, lol. Honestly though, the meeting is a formality and things are going to continue on the way they are. Dd has articulation issues from her low muscle tone that's the result of her genetic disorder. She'll continue to see her ST twice a week, no changes to that. Once they get that down, they use the rest of the session to attack me over homeschooling. I'm usually shaking and almost in tears by the time these things are over. :( Most of the people that will be there fall into the, "Educators are the experts and parents know nothing," camp. Honestly, I don't even know why half of them have to be there. An admin designee? The special ed lady who doesn't actually work with my dd? The OT who doesn't work with dd anymore? I think they show up just to get in a few jabs at me.

 

Ugh. Maybe I should just call in sick.

[Mergath]

Tell them, "Thank you for your input regarding homeschooling. Please rest assured this is not a decision we came to without serious research and consideration. Now, I believe this meeting is about Johnny's speech therapy, so perhaps it would be best if we stayed on topic."

 

 

Can you just fly up to MN and come with me? :D I tell them that, but they don't listen.

 

I was telling dh last night that I'm going to bring the cat, and when they get to the anti-hsing part of the meeting, I'm going to plop him down on my chair and tell them, "This is Sebastian. He'll be my designated representative for the remainder of the meeting. Any inquiries regarding our educational choices can be directed to him." :p

[Um_2_4]

Go with the cat...no one can ignore a cattitude ;)

[hillfarm]

You wouldn't want me! I'd probably get us both sent to jail!

 

If they get going on the homeschooling stuff, I'd say something like, "Perhaps we should each stick to our areas of expertise and experience. Do any of you homeschool? Then let's stick to speech therapy."

[Amy in NH]

Would that be someone through the school, or independent? My biggest problem at the IEP meetings is that several of the people who attend are vehemently, rabidly anti-homeschooling and like to use this opportunity to tear me down over it. These people do not pass the bean dip.

 

 

Independent. I am a trained Volunteer Advocate, and I do that for people in my area.

 

You might want to contact the Pacer Center in Minneapolis at 952-838-9000.

[Mergath]

You wouldn't want me! I'd probably get us both sent to jail!

 

 

 

Heh, that's the same reason I'm not bringing dh. ;)

[Mergath]

 

Independent. I am a trained Volunteer Advocate, and I do that for people in my area.

 

You might want to contact the Pacer Center in Minneapolis at 952-838-9000.

 

 

I'll do that before the next one, thanks. :)

[Unicorn.]

So, as soon as you are done w/ the formality of addressing the speech therapy, and before they can start in on you on the homeschooling, look at them and say "Okay, then. Looks like we're done here. I need to get home and educate my children, so if you'll excuse me. Have a nice day." and walk out! (my first thought was to take Hillfarm w/ you, but since you didn't give enough advance notice, this is my second choice. :D )

[In the Rain]

Mergath,

 

I'm sorry you are stuck with an anti-hs group of people to work with. When I used to teach special ed., I wished some of the parents would home school. I wished they would realize that 40 minutes of OT or PT or ST a week would never be enough to help their child learn what they needed to learn. Your child is getting your undivided attention all week long. She has you, most likely a perfect speech model, to copy. She has much more "talk time" than she would receive in a group setting. I think you are doing a great thing for your dd. :grouphug:

 

Tell them, "Thank you for your input regarding homeschooling. Please rest assured this is not a decision we came to without serious research and consideration. Now, I believe this meeting is about Johnny's speech therapy, so perhaps it would be best if we stayed on topic."

 

I was planning to suggest something like this too. I see, though, where you said it doesn't work with your particular group of people. Do you have a friend who could attend with you? Someone who is not emotionally invested might be more forceful about keeping the meeting on topic. "Since home schooling has already been decided upon for the upcoming year, what suggestions do you have to work with her in the home setting?"

 

Good luck. :grouphug: Nobody cares about your dd and her success more than you do. Don't let them intimidate you.

[hillfarm]

I'd love to be there! I just got my green belt in kajukenpo last night (after a grueling 4 hour test). I'm in the mood to put a beat-down on somebody!

[Dandelion]

BTDT. :grouphug: It was the sheer ridiculousness of the one and only IEP meeting I attended that led me to decide to homeschool DS. The meeting consisted of 12 school administration people and me. After we started, 2-3 more administrators wanted to join (mine must have been the only IEP show in town that day) but they were turned away because there were no more chairs. :lol:

 

She'll continue to see her ST twice a week, no changes to that. Once they get that down, they use the rest of the session to attack me over homeschooling.

 

If that's how those meetings go, I would come up with something you can say as soon as the ST issue has been handled (since that's all you really need from them). Since you're sick, just tell them you feel awful and need to go home. Or, if you have a cell phone, have your DH call you about 10 minutes into the meeting and then tell them you just got a very important call and need to go. Help them realize the meeting is essentially over anyway by saying: "Looks like we've covered DD's speech therapy and have that settled for the next year. I'm not aware of any other issues or topics we need to discuss. Correct?"

 

If you can, do reschedule and see whether you can line up an advocate to go with you. Hope you feel better soon!

[sassenach]

ARG, that makes me so d@mn angry! I'm telling you, I would totally go to that IEP with you if I could. I did this dance with the district guy exactly ONE time. My suggestion- be direct. Use their first names, scold them and don't allow them to continue on. Stand up. Tell them they can mail you the signature page. Something like this:

 

"Mary, we do this dance at every single IEP. I am following Michigan law in my homeschool. You have no legal right to have input on our decision to homeschool. I will not allow these meetings to become about our decision to homeschool (stand up while you're saying all of this. Start getting on your jacket.), so if we're done making decisions about dd's speech therapy, I have a busy day ahead of me. I'll go ahead and sign right now, or would you like to mail it to me?"

 

Also, document the harassment in the notes section. You can put whatever you want in that section. Write down first and last names, and that they repeatedly harass you over your legal right to homeschool. Ask them how to spell their last name while you're writing it out.

 

For real, it's time to become a hard @ss over this.

[sassenach]

Or Minnesota law.... :001_rolleyes:

 

I don't bring dh for the same reason you don't. I'd rather not have to deal with law enforcement at every IEP.

[Starr]

Sneeze away! Since your dd isn't of the age of requirement why do they keep bringing up ps? I'm sorry this is so miserable for you.

[QueenCat]

Tell them, "Thank you for your input regarding homeschooling. Please rest assured this is not a decision we came to without serious research and consideration. Now, I believe this meeting is about Johnny's speech therapy, so perhaps it would be best if we stayed on topic."

 

 

Well said!!!! Memorize this!

[Mergath]

Sneeze away! Since your dd isn't of the age of requirement why do they keep bringing up ps? I'm sorry this is so miserable for you.

 

 

Because we haven't enrolled her in their preschool or started Kindy registration like everyone else. Dd turns five in May.

[Starr]

"Oh bother!", said Pooh.

[Mergath]

Thanks for the support everyone! I have to leave at noon, so I'm going to go chug down some Alka Seltzer cold, try to eat something, and find my happy place. I'll update and let you know how it went when I get back. :)

[elegantlion]

Sending some virtual hugs. :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

You could picture them as slitheens and imagine they have zippers on their head.

[readinmom]

I am usually asked to sit in on IEPs as the general education teacher. I never judge; having my own kids has grounded me in ways you could never imagine. I'll never understand why some teachers are threatened by homeschooling. They still have loads more to work their magic with. :laugh:

[Dandelion]

I know you have to leave soon, so you may not have time to check this out before today's meeting. But thought I'd share anyway.

 

Have you checked out the www.wrightslaw.com website? It's the most complete, comprehensive, up to date site for information on special education law and advocacy for children with disabilities. They have tons of information and helpful articles for every type of situation you might find yourself in as you advocate for your DD. Lots of good info about how to navigate and get the most out of IEP meetings too.

 

Good luck at the meeting today!

[Tiramisu]

I'm sorry, Mergath, but happy in the fact that you do not have to pay them for making you feel stinky.

 

Right now I'm dealing with ridiculous billing issues for what should be a covered service for a less than stellar evaluation and a dx that I'm thinking was heavily influenced by a dislike of hsing.

[Bang!Zoom!]

ARG, that makes me so d@mn angry! I'm telling you, I would totally go to that IEP with you if I could. I did this dance with the district guy exactly ONE time. My suggestion- be direct. Use their first names, scold them and don't allow them to continue on. Stand up. Tell them they can mail you the signature page. Something like this:

 

"Mary, we do this dance at every single IEP. I am following Michigan law in my homeschool. You have no legal right to have input on our decision to homeschool. I will not allow these meetings to become about our decision to homeschool (stand up while you're saying all of this. Start getting on your jacket.), so if we're done making decisions about dd's speech therapy, I have a busy day ahead of me. I'll go ahead and sign right now, or would you like to mail it to me?"

 

Also, document the harassment in the notes section. You can put whatever you want in that section. Write down first and last names, and that they repeatedly harass you over your legal right to homeschool. Ask them how to spell their last name while you're writing it out.

 

For real, it's time to become a hard @ss over this.

 

someone bookmark this for permanent hall of fame files ...right to the guts of it best advice ever

[Heatherwith4]

Next time give us a little notice, and we'll all come to Minnesota and kick some butt for you! :grouphug:

[Pamela H in Texas]

First, I would just make it clear at the onset of the first mention of homeschooling that that is not up for discussion, that it has been a discussion too long in the past and is not up for debate. I would then suggest that maybe we should reschedule so you can get an advocate as well as a lawyer if they can't respect you and your family's choice.

 

Second, I would be looking into private speech therapy. That is what my son gets. That is what my older son got.

[RoughCollie]

Heh, that's the same reason I'm not bringing dh. ;)

 

In our family, that's the reason DH doesn't bring me.

 

Stick up for yourself. If someone is being rude, say, "You are being rude to me." Then don't say another word. Wait in silence until they say something. This is effective when someone essentially calls you a bad mother for homeschooling your child. I have been in this situation when my children were ages 5 and up.

 

Three of my kids are in 12th grade now, and two of them have IEP's. I never talk to anyone at the school, except for the teacher who comes to our home because DS3 has been sick. DH handles the rest of it because no one ever accuses him of being a bad father for having allowed his children to be homeschooled.

[Hen]

Praying for you Mergath!

 

my bonus student had an IEP before I started homeschooling him, the meetings were so bad that his mother had to hire a special education advocate to go to the meetings with her. Funny, after the advocate started attending, they more than tripled the services they were willing to offer before. Somehow, magically they were able to offer more resources and hours. All in all though, what they actually accomplished still stunk and she pulled him out.

 

I second the advice to be business like- stand up to signal the meeting is over as far as you are concerned, and pointedly ask for their names and how to spell them and write down in your notes how rude, unprofessional and attacking they were.

[Mergath]

I'm back! And if I hadn't taken so much cold medication I'd be pouring myself a good, stiff drink right about now. Ugggh.

 

It went about like I thought it would. It started with lots of intrusive questions that have absolutely nothing to do with dd's speech therapy. What does dd do at home? What outside activities is she in? And on and on. Then the admin designee got started and it's a good thing there were no windows in the room because I would have thrown her out one. The very first question out of her mouth, said with a sneer, was, "Do you REALLY think you're showing the appropriate amount of concern for your dd feeling more comfortable with you around?" (Dd is fine playing alone with other kids, but is more comfortable if I stick around in the room.) So I said, "She's FOUR. If she still likes to have me around when she's sixteen, I'll be concerned. But she's FOUR." And then she started demanding specific info about our hs plans for next year, to which I told her I didn't have to tell the school anything until dd is seven. Period. Then she started telling me I really ought to put dd in preschool next year since obviously we're not going to be homeschooling. (Uh, no. I'm just not telling YOU what we're going to do.) Me: NO. THANK. YOU. So then she sneers that since I keep refusing to put dd in preschool, it must be a financial issue and they'd be happy to waive the fee, so should she go ahead and sign dd up? AAARRRRGHHH. I think I started twitching at this point. Then the aid started going on about how she's noticed dd won't give whichever toy she's playing with (dd has a two hour playgroup thing once a week she goes to which is not part of the services we get, where the aid has apparently been observing her periodically, which is news to me) to other kids. So... my dd is four, and they find it strange that she doesn't randomly give toys away that she's in the middle of playing with? Yeah, obviously my dd's a sociopath. I really think they're just trying to find anything they can to justify saying that dd needs to be more "socialized."

 

*deep breath*

 

As you can see, it did not go well. Thankfully, the teacher of the playgroup popped in at that point and said that dd is doing wonderful and she never has any problems with her. God bless that woman, because I was about to flip my sh*t.

[Guest inoubliable]

You have way more self control than I do. :grouphug:

I am so sorry that it didn't go better for you.

[MomtoCandJ]

I would have said screw the IEP.... But that's me, luckily dd only need a year of speech therapy through Headstart :)

[celticmom]

I would be strongly tempted to tell them that I did not want my dd in their school because then I would have to deal with them more.

[athena1277]

Please find an advocate to go with you next time. The people in your dd's IEP team are horrible! My ds has been in speech therapy for 3 years and I have never had an IEP meeting like that. They are there to help decide a plan to help your child with her speech, not push their own agenda.

[Clarkd]

I'm so sorry that this is your experience. It is completely inappropriate. I would absolutely contact PACER center before the next meeting. I also might bring a book and sit it on the table, specifically about the legal rights and responsibilities. Maybe something from Wrightslaw. I might even have a meeting with the special ed director before the next meeting (with an advocate) to discuss the issues this team is causing. Do you have a hs group in your state that could provide assistance as well? You get to bring anyone you want to the meeting. Bring support for yourself. Alternatively,you can request (but they don't have to comply) that the meeting only be the required participants (not the aide). Best of luck.

[SKL]

Wow. That would have been hard for me to sit through.

 

It's hard to hear criticism of your kid, especially when it's laced with an accusatory attitude. And especially when they never say anything nice. Blah. As if every child in the public school acts mature and feels confident at all times.

[Mergath]

Please find an advocate to go with you next time. The people in your dd's IEP team are horrible! My ds has been in speech therapy for 3 years and I have never had an IEP meeting like that. They are there to help decide a plan to help your child with her speech, not push their own agenda.

 

I think I'm going to. What makes it so hard is that at every one of these meetings I've got five or six people ganging up on me. I already have anxiety issues, and situations like this are extremely difficult. Having a little backup would make a big difference.

[Mergath]

I'm so sorry that this is your experience. It is completely inappropriate. I would absolutely contact PACER center before the next meeting. I also might bring a book and sit it on the table, specifically about the legal rights and responsibilities. Maybe something from Wrightslaw. I might even have a meeting with the special ed director before the next meeting (with an advocate) to discuss the issues this team is causing. Do you have a hs group in your state that could provide assistance as well? You get to bring anyone you want to the meeting. Bring support for yourself. Alternatively,you can request (but they don't have to comply) that the meeting only be the required participants (not the aide). Best of luck.

 

They send me a list of the people that "have" to be at the meeting before each one. I don't know why in the world the admin lady is supposedly required to be there. She has nothing to do with the ST, never interacts with dd in any way, and basically just exists to make me miserable. She's like their anti-hsing pitbull. With the aid, if she's been observing dd it at least is logical that she go, but why the admin woman has to show up and sneer at me for an hour, I have no idea.

[Mergath]

Wow. That would have been hard for me to sit through.

 

It's hard to hear criticism of your kid, especially when it's laced with an accusatory attitude. And especially when they never say anything nice. Blah. As if every child in the public school acts mature and feels confident at all times.

 

And if it's legitimate criticism, I have no problem taking it and working with dd on it. But saying that if a kid asks for a toy she's playing with, she won't give it to them? Well, duh. If I were to ask the aid for the pen she was writing her notes with, I doubt she's going to hand it over. Because she's using it. It didn't even make sense.

[Dandelion]

I'm sorry it was such an awful meeting. Definitely find an advocate to go along in the future. And if there are no official advocates available (I know they can be in high demand and their schedules are often overbooked), create your own advocacy team. You have a right to bring others along to the meeting. Having one or two supportive people with you can make all the difference. If the only thing your support team does is contribute well-timed icy stares, raised eyebrows, and the occasional dropped jaw, they've done their part. You don't need to face these shrews alone. :grouphug:

[Chris in VA]

Makes me want to buy a plane ticket to MN and...and...well, IDK, walk right in to that school and GIVE THEM WHAT FOR!!!

 

lol

 

I feel like writing a letter or SOMETHING. What morons.

 

I'm sorry it was stressful. I might have cried, honestly--I can't imagine.

 

Tons of hugs.

[Catwoman]

It's so hard when you're dealing with idiots. You can't reason with them, and they'll never even try to see your side of things. And they're bullies when they outnumber you. :angry:

 

I'm so sorry the meeting went so poorly. The worst part of it is probably right now, when you're thinking of all the things you wish you'd told them! :boxing_smiley:

 

I can't believe they were so intrusive. It seems like they went way beyond appropriate boundaries. :grouphug:

[NicksMama-Zack's Mama Too]

I am angry for you and here are some ideas on how to handle these people next time.

 

I'm back! And if I hadn't taken so much cold medication I'd be pouring myself a good, stiff drink right about now. Ugggh.

 

It went about like I thought it would. It started with lots of intrusive questions that have absolutely nothing to do with dd's speech therapy. What does dd do at home? Response: "What does that have to do with ST you are providing?" What outside activities is she in? Response: "What does that have to do with the ST you are providing?"" And on and on. Then the admin designee got started and it's a good thing there were no windows in the room because I would have thrown her out one. The very first question out of her mouth, said with a sneer, was, "Do you REALLY think you're showing the appropriate amount of concern for your dd feeling more comfortable with you around?" Response: "Yes. Would you please address the ST you are providing." (Dd is fine playing alone with other kids, but is more comfortable if I stick around in the room.) So I said, "She's FOUR. If she still likes to have me around when she's sixteen, I'll be concerned. But she's FOUR." And then she started demanding specific info about our hs plans for next year, to which I told her I didn't have to tell the school anything until dd is seven. Period. Then she started telling me I really ought to put dd in preschool next year since obviously we're not going to be homeschooling. (Uh, no. I'm just not telling YOU what we're going to do.) Me: NO. THANK. YOU. So then she sneers that since I keep refusing to put dd in preschool, it must be a financial issue and they'd be happy to waive the fee, so should she go ahead and sign dd up? AAARRRRGHHH. I think I started twitching at this point. Then the aid started going on about how she's noticed dd won't give whichever toy she's playing with (dd has a two hour playgroup thing once a week she goes to which is not part of the services we get, where the aid has apparently been observing her periodically, which is news to me) to other kids. Response: "That's all very interesting. Can we talk about her ST now?" So... my dd is four, and they find it strange that she doesn't randomly give toys away that she's in the middle of playing with? Yeah, obviously my dd's a sociopath. I really think they're just trying to find anything they can to justify saying that dd needs to be more "socializing"

 

These people obviously need to be redirected to the subject at hand, your daughter's speech therapy. I'd answer every question with, "May I remind you why I am here?" If the questions are really invasive, I tend to say, "What made you just ask me that?" (looking all puzzled). DON"T ANSWER OR DEFEND YOURSELF. Just ask them questions back (rinse and repeat).

 

*deep breath*

 

Smile and look them in the eye with full confidence that you are the child's parent and you decide where she gets educated.

 

As you can see, it did not go well. Thankfully, the teacher of the playgroup popped in at that point and said that dd is doing wonderful and she never has any problems with her. God bless that woman, because I was about to flip my sh*t.

 

 

You are a great mom and don't let these b*stards shake the faith you have in yourself. Nobody knows and loves your daughter more than you.

 

Best of luck and sorry you had to go through this.

 

K