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Should I Respond to This?


JumpyTheFrog
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My brother posted on Facebook about doing a project in a specific field he has basically no experience in. DH works in that field, so knows what would be involved. DH and I think it would take my brother 3 years of full-time experience working in the field to be good enough to make and sell the product my brother is interested in.

 

I posted our opinion and my brother (who has a history of being fired from jobs and dropping out of college a few times) posted back that he is going to "disregard" our opinion because it wasn't helpful. I think the truth is that it isn't what he wants to hear, so he's going to ignore it.

 

It's been a week and I haven't responded. I can't decide if I should just drop it, or reply and say that we're not trying to discourage him, but he needs to have a realistic idea of how much work the project would be.

 

Other possibly relevant info:

 

-I don't talk to my brother much - about twice per year. He married a woman my parents think is a loser (anxiety issues, unable to hold any jobs, very easily overwhelmed) and he doesn't want to associate with any of us much as a result. (Maybe he doesn't know that I tell my parents to back off and leave his wife alone.)

 

-From what he and his wife post on Facebook, it sounds like they might listen to several of those motivational speakers that try to get people to think they can do whatever they want, without giving much thought to the work involved or what area a person's talents are in.

 

-I'm older than him and he probably feels like he's been living in my shadow his whole life. I was the "successful" one growing up that my parents bragged to their friends about. Although I never found a career before having kids, DH has been very successful, so my brother may feel like now he's in our shadow.

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I know you were just trying to look out for him, but given the info about your relationship, it probably doesnt seem that way to him. To him, you just embarrassed him in front of his friends on FB by saying that he doesn't know what he's doing. I'd let the matter drop and wait until he asks to offer an opinion or advice about it again.

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I'd send a private msg along these lines: "Brother, thinking over what I said last week, I hope I wasn't just sounding like I wanted to discourage you. I'm sorry if I did that. If you pursue this plan, or in whatever you do, I hope you'll be happy and do well. Again, sorry for butting in. Love, Sis."

 

I'd do that even if, no, especially if, we didn't really have a close relationship. Keep the door open. Better to have a chance at future communication than to be right, sometimes.

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I would just drop it, or apologize and say you didn't realize you came off as negative and that you sincerely wish him luck. Sometimes, people have to fail on their own, there is a type of person that will not seek wisdom and you can only stand back and let them do it, or you get transferred to as "the problem" not their lack of planning.

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Honestly, if I were your brother your post would have aggravated me. It sounds just like something my rather controlling oldest sister would have posted, with an undertone of "you don't know what you're doing, but I'm an expert so I'm going to chime in here even though we don't have much of a relationship and you didn't ask for my opinion."

 

I know that sounds harsh, but that's really how it sounds to me. I'm a bit surprised you wouldn't have realized that's how it would have come across. If I were you, I'd apologize to him, privately.

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I have a childhood friend like you. She means well, but there's too much history between us for me to not read too much into it. And I'm first to admit that (at this point) it's an issue on my end, not necessarily hers.

 

It feels like she's a vulture, always swooping down to pick at my carcass just as I'm trying to get up. Not to say that she is, but that's how it feels.We won't hear from her for a long time, and when she does chime in it's all Debbie Downer. I'm sure she sees it as being helpful and caring, with us rejecting her expertise or experience. And I can see why she'd feel that way ... but with all that history there, her expertise and experience aren't worth the effort.

 

She's Type A and I'm sure it kills her to see anyone not plan out a route with alternates and to use the GPS.

 

I am Type B and just follow the roads as I go, sometimes getting stuck at red lights and getting lost along the route.

 

She thinks I'm an idiot who is too old to be making some of the same old mistakes.I see her as being uptight and caring more about process than people. And people's feelings.I'm maturing to see this as her genuine way of caring for people, but I've not yet fully worked through decades of her "caring" being reflected so critically. I'm hoping she's maturing to see that her approach could use refining, and that ... just once ... she'd support me in my dreams. Even if my dreams are stupid. Because people matter more than the process.

 

It's just different personalities, and needing to find that place where I respect her opinion and she respects my decision to do differently. And that the core of our relationship doesn't depend upon doing what the other wants of us or that we have known each other since we came out of the womb.

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OP, I am not at all jumping on you for having a "know it all" attitude, your brother could very well be an idiot, reading between the lines, I'm guessing he probably is- my other post wasn't suggesting that you owe him an apology, you probably did nothing wrong, but because of the dynamics, and because of a personality -I'm guessing -of poor planning, grand schemes that do not work out, hopes of get-rich-quick...that he is going to be defensive and then blame you for raining on his parade or trying to warn him- rightfully so, since your husband has experience in this field...so, even though you might not be in the wrong, sometimes you just have to apologize anyways, for the sake of family relations. It does stink, I know, I've watched family do stupid things but had to stand back because they do not appreciate wise counsel.

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Sometimes, people have to fail on their own, there is a type of person that will not seek wisdom and you can only stand back and let them do it, or you get transferred to as "the problem" not their lack of planning.

 

This is an excellent point. Even as a kid, he was always one of those people that needed to learn everything the hard way. I will keep my mouth shut from now on, since I know he won't listen anyway.

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I apologized to him today. He accepted it.

 

I know for sure now not to share my opinion about anything important with him. I think he is very defensive about everything, probably due to his poor relationship with my parents.

 

He's not the only defensive one. Both sides are understandable. I'm sorry this has been a yucky episode for you both. :grouphug:

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