If a friend did this to you, would you say something?

[3lilreds in NC]

I have a friend who's a single mom of 4, pretty tough situation, pretty tough life all around. She invited us to a birthday party for her 2 older girls, who are near the ages of mine. We accepted, knowing it was a pretty big deal for her to try to have a party.

 

Then, she called me and said she didn't think she could afford the party - she'd reserved a room at her apt complex, and would get the $ back if the room was in good shape, but I guess the cake and whatever else she had in mind would have been too much. So, I offered to have her bring the kids to our house, we could all go to the pool and then come back for lunch and make pizzas. I would make a cake from a mix. She accepted.

 

Then she called because since she's reserved the room, she would like to have a garage sale and make some money. Ummm... OK. We spent a little while talking about why she had to do the garage sale that particular day - she'd reserved the room and just had to do it then. So, we decided we could do it in the afternoon, instead. Works for me, I had more time to get ready that way.

 

Today she called because she just has too many things she would like to do on Saturday. Could we do it Friday night? No, because we have plans. I said to her that we don't *have* to have the party; I offered because I thought it would be nice for the kids, but if they have other stuff they'd rather do, that's fine. She decides that the kids really would like it, and asked to switch it back to the morning again. I said it was OK to do that; we really don't have anything else going on.

 

I'm feeling a little annoyed now. I was raised that once you make plans with a friend, you don't cancel because you get what you think is a better offer, you know? Clearly there have been other reasons for canceling all along and I was slow to pick up on that, and this has gotten ridiculous.

 

Would you say something? I have to email her my address and I would like to say something like, if the plans have to change again, let's just forget it. This isn't the first time this particular woman has done something that I considered an odd way to treat a friend. There is part of me that wonders if this is an appropriate time to mention that all people might not take these kinds of things graciously, and part of me that thinks I should just let it go.

 

I'd appreciate your thoughts. I am terrible at setting boundaries but I'm thinking one needs to be set here.

[Pam "SFSOM" in TN]

 

Would you say something? I have to email her my address and I would like to say something like, if the plans have to change again, let's just forget it. This isn't the first time this particular woman has done something that I considered an odd way to treat a friend. There is part of me that wonders if this is an appropriate time to mention that all people might not take these kinds of things graciously, and part of me that thinks I should just let it go.

 

I'd appreciate your thoughts. I am terrible at setting boundaries but I'm thinking one needs to be set here.

 

Well, she sounds flaky, but I'd cut her some slack and just let this frustration roll off your back for the sake of the girls. I think you said it best when you said that you didn't *have* to have the party if they had better things to do. I imagine that snapped her back to Reality Land. And I imagine she's just a bit embarrassed at her temporary insanity.

 

So says Pam, who remembers a couple of times of amazing insanity in her own life. :001_huh: (And who appreciates how amazingly patient and gracious the sane people around her were.)

 

:001_smile:

[3lilreds in NC]

Well, she sounds flaky, but I'd cut her some slack and just let this frustration roll off your back for the sake of the girls. I think you said it best when you said that you didn't *have* to have the party if they had better things to do. I imagine that snapped her back to Reality Land. And I imagine she's just a bit embarrassed at her temporary insanity.

 

So says Pam, who remembers a couple of times of amazing insanity in her own life. :001_huh: (And who appreciates how amazingly patient and gracious the sane people around her were.)

 

:001_smile:

 

Yeah - I see what you're saying. I have had my own fair share of flaky moments. I guess she's just said things out loud to me that I think sometimes, but don't say out loud - but it's not like I think before I speak all the time, LOL.

 

Thanks Pam. You're right. She's got a lot on her plate and I can be a little more patient.

[Joanne]

Yes, I'd say something. But what I said would depend on my perception of my history with her.

 

If she had been flighty/inconsiderate in the past, I'd say something like "Hon, you know I love you like a sister. But your habit of changing major plans makes it difficult for me. I'd like you to keep that in mind when we make plans together because I don't want it to come between us.

 

If she doesn't have a pattern of flighty/inconsiderate behavior: "Hon, you know I love you like a sister. I'm worried about you. All the changes in the plans seem to show you are very stressed. What can I do to help you get back to center?"

[Kris]

I'd appreciate your thoughts. I am terrible at setting boundaries but I'm thinking one needs to be set here.

 

When people start to get flaky on me, I tend to cut-and-run -- mostly because I've been taken to the cleaners before because I wasn't paying attention, but also because I'm not good at setting boundaries, either, and can get myself into situations I did *not* want to be in. But then, it's my fault -- can't blame them.

 

But you sound like you *are* setting boundaries in this situation -- letting her know what you can and cannot do and what the alternatives are (i.e., we don't have to have a party). I agree with the others that she just sounds so frazzled and has so much on her plate right now that she's not thinking things through -- and you're being a great friend to help her figure these things out.

 

It sounds like you're doing a great job! The only thing I would suggest is to keep your radar up in the future and do just as you've done here -- make sure you don't volunteer or get yourself involved in something you aren't really prepared for.

 

I hope the party goes well!

[Journey]

Have you ever been a single mother? I have and am still one. I think your "friend" is worn out and frazzled (like some others have said). I don't usually get on a "single mom soap box" but I'm going to right now. If you are not or have never been a single mom, you have no idea what we go through. Yes, we all know that we have to do the job of both the mother and the father but DOING it is very difficult. Your "friend" (notice I put friend in parenthesis because I really wonder if she really is your friend) is trying to do something wonderful for her daughters. Maybe it's something that she's never done before and she's realizing how expensive it is. Maybe she's trying to keep up with the Jones's, we all hear about all of the elaborate birthday parties kids have these days. Maybe she wants her daughters to feel like they should have that too and she's doing the best she can with what she has (or what she doesn't have in this case). I know in my case, and it sounds like she's in the same situation, that everything is going up in price and one of the few things that doesn't go up is child support. We have to try to make it on one income when times are tough even for two income families. Give the girl some slack. Even if you have to come out of your comfort zone, do it for her and for her daughters. Don't be a whiner. If you're married, you should be on your knees thanking God that you have a husband by your side. Sometimes I'd give anything for that. Remember that if this girl truly is your friend, then you should be willing to go to the moon for her.

[Tracey in TX]

She sounds like a friend who really needs a shoulder to cry on--and you are the lucky recipient. If this isn't normal behavior for her, I'd probably mention it later. It would allow her time to recover from the stress she appears to have now and let her reflect and appreciate what a good friend you have been.

Definitely don't allow her to change the venue and time again, unless she plans on canceling the party altogether.

[Heather in the Kootenays]

However, because that sort of thing drives me nuts, I'd take steps to protect myself in the future. ie I can do this from 1 - 4 but don't have much flexibility otherwise. etc

[dragons in the flower bed]

Have you ever been a single mother? I have and am still one. I think your "friend" is worn out and frazzled (like some others have said). I don't usually get on a "single mom soap box" but I'm going to right now. If you are not or have never been a single mom, you have no idea what we go through.

 

:iagree: with Journey. In fact, while I was reading this, I was thinking that you could have been talking about me. Poverty is an obstacle course and your friend is running it. She's not being inconsiderate. She's being desperate.

 

Reasons I have changed plans four or five times:

I've had

- cars break down (and zero cash to fix it),

- to quarantine ourselves when the tiniest bug is going around because we can't afford to go to a doctor,

- the power turned off,

- the bus schedule or bus routes changed,

- less paycheck than I expected,

- the inability to purchase laundry soap in order to have clean clothes to wear (that one fairly often),

- no heat (so no baths),

- bills that I thought I could ignore a little longer suddenly much more important than they were (getting a turn-off notice)

- abusive relatives and neighbors standing between me and what I need to do

 

Once a neighbor lit a fire under our window, we all got sick, and when my ex-husband called in sick to work, he was fired. We couldn't pay for gas for me to get to my gig, on the outskirts of town, so I had to look for rides. The one I found called the day before to check in, get my address, and let me know how much gas money she needed. I had to cancel at the last minute.

 

We lived close to the line. It was a juggling act all of the time. Throughout it all there's this sense that you owe everyone. The last thing you want to do is take help or gifts of any sort, because you know that you're not stable enough to give help back when your friend needs it.

 

Once a friend chewed me out for cancelling playdates with her son. She said, "It really disappoints him when he doesn't get to play with your kids." And I wondered if she had the empathy to imagine me getting a turn-off notice and having to explain to my kid that he couldn't see his friend, again. The two of us sat in our living room and cried together, feeling completely worthless. We were too poor to have friends.

 

It's horrible. Please be patient with your friend.