2squared Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 because my homeschooling and SAHM days are likely coming to an end. I applied for a FT position this week, and unfortunately, the position looks promising. My dh needs to quit his job to keep his sanity but he hasn't been able to find another job that can support us. So three days ago I decided that I would have to work. In those three days I found a job opening, updated my resume, applied, and contacted my references. My references are now calling and making personal recommendations for me. This is all great, but it makes me so sad. Even after being out of the workforce for 8 years, I can make more traction on landing a job than my dh can with steady, relevant experience. To top that off, the job I'm applying for pays more than my dh makes and has more salary opportunity than his line of work. Dh feels down b/c I'm rescuing us. I'm sure he wishes things were turned around between us too. I'm mostly sad b/c I want it all - I want my dh to be able to support us comfortably so I can stay home. Instead my reality is more likely that I will be working while my dh stays home again. I know I am very blessed to be able to do this for my family, but I still feel so very, very sad. I think I just need to mourn my dream a little. Dh's job is slowly killing him, but our situation was/is perfect for me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anne in CA Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 I really feel for you. It is so hard to give up a dream. Hopefully you will enjoy your new job. Can you dh spend some time working toward a new career that would support all of you? I mean, he will have to go back to work sometime anyway. The kids will grow up and you will need to save for retirement. At least he could be training for a job that would be better for him and you. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NorthwestMom Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Things will probably turn out more positively than you expect. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: My DH had a job that was slowly killing him too. Unfortunately he kept on going and ended up wit MCS. When he became a zombie he finally realised that he had to stop work. His health was so bad that he has had to go on a disability pension. Which meant I have been getting marketable skills to go to work! This time next year I will be finished my degree and able to get a job teaching. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Desert Rat Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
1bassoon Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 :grouphug: It's hard to let go of dreams. Sometimes, the only thing that gets me through is the thought that I am in God's story, and He is weaving the perfect story of my life. I can't see the ending, but He does. Perhaps that may be of some comfort to you. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cinder Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elinor Everywhere Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Big {{{{{hugs}}}}} to you. I can relate, in the fact that my dd has chosen to attend school next year full-time, for the first time in her life. I've always told the kids they could go, but she loved homeschooling and never wanted to give up the freedom. Now, after attending school part-time this year, she can't wait to go full-time. I'm glad for her, but I loved homeschooling the past 12 years and it's hard to believe it's over. I did go through a bit of minor depression about it this past fall when she made the decision, but my outlook is better now. It takes time to get over the death of a dream. Don't be afraid to grieve a bit, but try and start embracing the positives, too. It's hard. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyLittleWonders Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Night Elf Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeindeed Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 Sending hugs your way and praying that all will turn out wonderfully. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
countrygal Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 :grouphug: Sometimes life takes us where we weren't expecting. This, too, may be temporary. I know what it's like to have a DH slowing 'die' inside from a suffocating job. The better of the 2 evils is for him to quit. He'll find something else eventually. Can he HS the kids while you work? Just a thought, it'll give him some sense of purpose but I know some guys would go even more insane! Hope things all work out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 25, 2013 Share Posted March 25, 2013 OK, I'll be the lone dissenter and tell your dh to suck it up and deal with his job until he can find something else. Honestly, unless your dh's job is causing actual physical illness, it's not "killing him." :rolleyes: What will your dh be doing while you are working? Will be be homeschooling the kids? Because if he won't, what does he plan to do all day? I'm not trying to be snarky about this, but you're giving up the things that you love to do (and that your dc have come to expect as their routine,) so your dh can give up something he hates. It seems like you and the kids are losing out, just because your dh hates his job. Who says you won't hate your job? Who says he won't hate his next job? I know you say he needs to quit his job to "keep his sanity," but I'm not sure why he can't hold on for a while longer, while he finds something else. I know I sound unsympathetic, but it seems like you're putting his desires ahead of what may be best for the entire rest of the family. I guess my point is that, if your dh's job is "slowly killing him," what's going to happen if he quits... and then you find out that your job and being away from the kids is "slowly killing you?" OK, I'm putting on my flameproof suit, because I know I sounded really mean, but I feel that either I'm missing a big part of this story, or else you're giving up an awful lot just so your dh can stay home and not go to a job he doesn't like. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 OK, I'll be the lone dissenter and tell your dh to suck it up and deal with his job until he can find something else. Honestly, unless your dh's job is causing actual physical illness, it's not "killing him." :rolleyes: What will your dh be doing while you are working? Will be be homeschooling the kids? Because if he won't, what does he plan to do all day? I'm not trying to be snarky about this, but you're giving up the things that you love to do (and that your dc have come to expect as their routine,) so your dh can give up something he hates. It seems like you and the kids are losing out, just because your dh hates his job. Who says you won't hate your job? Who says he won't hate his next job? I know you say he needs to quit his job to "keep his sanity," but I'm not sure why he can't hold on for a while longer, while he finds something else. I know I sound unsympathetic, but it seems like you're putting his desires ahead of what may be best for the entire rest of the family. I guess my point is that, if your dh's job is "slowly killing him," what's going to happen if he quits... and then you find out that your job and being away from the kids is "slowly killing you?" OK, I'm putting on my flameproof suit, because I know I sounded really mean, but I feel that either I'm missing a big part of this story, or else you're giving up an awful lot just so your dh can stay home and not go to a job he doesn't like. I actually agree with this. Of course I don't know all the information but it does sound like you're giving up an awful lot. My husband worked in a horrible job for two years. He didn't quit that job until he found better employment. We all rallied around dh during those years and supported him. My respect for him soared because I knew he was the kind of man who would do whatever it takes to support his family. But I encouraged him to find a new job ASAP. Of course I'm not advocating women taking advantage of hard working spouses but that doesn't sound like your situation. I hope your situation works out for the best for everyone! Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CupOCoffee Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Hmmm.... Since the day we knew we were pregnant with our first, we knew that it was important for our children to be raised by parents, not by day cares and gov't schools. We made a very outside the box decision when DS was born: I had the more stable job, health insurance, potential to grow, better skill set...just made sense that DH would be the stay at home parent. Over the years I have had ppl ask me why I don't just tell DH to suck it up/man up whatever and start working to support us. Especially among the so-called Christian sect. We apparently were a "scandal" for the family. BS. Talk is cheap when you are NOT walking in someone else's shoes. That's all I will say on that issue. I realize that this is not the same situation, but I am here to tell you that it CAN work. Why would you think that your home schooling days have to be finished? If your family is being supported now by your husband's salary, and you will be making MORE, why not have your DH be the stay at home parent and home school? Dad's CAN do this you know! There is NO reason why this can't the new normal for your family! Go radical! Seventeen years later, people have finally stopped asking me when DH is gonna go out and get a job. He *has* a job: he's a stay at home Dad. Who knows, maybe yours will grow to enjoy this new role. HUGS to you, I know it's probably hard and upsetting at the moment, and not what you expected. But you love your DH enough to make this switch for him and his sanity. Take the lemon and make some lemonade; it may turn out to be quite tasty. ~coffee~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Hmmm.... Since the day we knew we were pregnant with our first, we knew that it was important for our children to be raised by parents, not by day cares and gov't schools. We made a very outside the box decision when DS was born: I had the more stable job, health insurance, potential to grow, better skill set...just made sense that DH would be the stay at home parent. Over the years I have had ppl ask me why I don't just tell DH to suck it up/man up whatever and start working to support us. Especially among the so-called Christian sect. We apparently were a "scandal" for the family. BS. Talk is cheap when you are NOT walking in someone else's shoes. That's all I will say on that issue. I realize that this is not the same situation, but I am here to tell you that it CAN work. Why would you think that your home schooling days have to be finished? If your family is being supported now by your husband's salary, and you will be making MORE, why not have your DH be the stay at home parent and home school? Dad's CAN do this you know! There is NO reason why this can't the new normal for your family! Go radical! Seventeen years later, people have finally stopped asking me when DH is gonna go out and get a job. He *has* a job: he's a stay at home Dad. Who knows, maybe yours will grow to enjoy this new role. HUGS to you, I know it's probably hard and upsetting at the moment, and not what you expected. But you love your DH enough to make this switch for him and his sanity. Take the lemon and make some lemonade; it may turn out to be quite tasty. ~coffee~ This is a great story! It sounds like you and your dh made a decision based on what was best for your entire family. It seems based on the original post that her dh is making a decision based only on what is best for him. Of course I'm basing this only on very little information so I could be completely wrong. Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CupOCoffee Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 This is a great story! It sounds like you and your dh made a decision based on what was best for your entire family. It seems based on the original post that her dh is making a decision based only on what is best for him. Of course I'm basing this only on very little information so I could be completely wrong. Elise in NC I respectfully disagree with the bolded part. No where in the post does it say that her DH is making her do this and unless I missed something, it was actually the OP who decided. The husband has been unable to find other work that will support the family; the husband is feeling "down" about it. This does not sound like a husband who is making a decision based only what is best for him... ~coffee~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 I respectfully disagree with the bolded part. No where in the post does it say that her DH is making her do this and unless I missed something, it was actually the OP who decided. The husband has been unable to find other work that will support the family; the husband is feeling "down" about it. This does not sound like a husband who is making a decision based only what is best for him... ~coffee~ You could absolutely be right. I am probably projecting my own opinions/feelings on her situation. Hopefully this is only a temporary situation for their family and they can continue to homeschool like your family has done. Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
2squared Posted March 26, 2013 Author Share Posted March 26, 2013 Thanks for all the support. I feel like I'm in a very difficult spot. My dh has supported us for 8 years, and he wants to support us. Before I became a SAHM, I supported us for about the same amount of time. Dh was a SAHD for three years, and he was great at it. I've been a SAHM for 8 years, and I'm even better at it. :001_smile: Our ideal family situation is for me to be at home. However, our reality is having a difficult time matching up to our ideals. Dh has been struggling with his employment for a couple years, and things are finally coming to a head. I support him and certainly don't want to "force" him to keep a job that he can't tolerate. He's been looking for other opportunities - applying and interviewing - with no success. The problem then arises because I can support us. I can actually support us at a higher income level than dh can bring in. Talent comes in many levels, and unfortunately (fortunately?) for us, my talent level is higher than dh's. Yesterday dh requested a 20% pay decrease in exchange for his boss removing some responsibilities off his plate. If his boss complies, we will be very, very tight, and we will have to dip into savings until we find more income. I don't know where things will lead, but I am likely to find FT employment and then dh will become a SAHD. He will do all the things I currently do (except the homeschooling). When our youngest is in school, he will pick up part-time, flexible work. We are very blessed to have these options, and yet I am very sad that I am unlikely to be home with the kids. I am frustrated that any job either of us takes will require relocating. I am frustrated that my dh can't pull in the salaries that I can get. I am frustrated that my dh isn't a "star" performer. We are frustrated that our kids are older so we can't just bounce them around, in and out of school districts as we change employment. We are equally frustrated at our situation, so we are both stress balls right now. He certainly noticed that my job hunt has been more successful and hopeful than his has been, so that's even more demoralizing. He's feeling like a failure. To compound the decision, we both know we are playing our "trump" card. If I do go back into the workforce resuming my prior career, this is kinda a one-time shot. My references aren't going to go to bat for me at this level again. Employers aren't going to entertain hiring me at this level if I've quit to SAH twice. I've been out of the work force for 8 years, and at some point soon I will have been out for too long to pick up where I left off. Thanks for reading my sob story. I am sure things will work out for us, but right now I am just so very, very sad and frustrated. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CupOCoffee Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Thanks for all the support. I feel like I'm in a very difficult spot. My dh has supported us for 8 years, and he wants to support us. Before I became a SAHM, I supported us for about the same amount of time. Dh was a SAHD for three years, and he was great at it. I've been a SAHM for 8 years, and I'm even better at it. :001_smile: Our ideal family situation is for me to be at home. However, our reality is having a difficult time matching up to our ideals. Dh has been struggling with his employment for a couple years, and things are finally coming to a head. I support him and certainly don't want to "force" him to keep a job that he can't tolerate. He's been looking for other opportunities - applying and interviewing - with no success. The problem then arises because I can support us. I can actually support us at a higher income level than dh can bring in. Talent comes in many levels, and unfortunately (fortunately?) for us, my talent level is higher than dh's. Yesterday dh requested a 20% pay decrease in exchange for his boss removing some responsibilities off his plate. If his boss complies, we will be very, very tight, and we will have to dip into savings until we find more income. I don't know where things will lead, but I am likely to find FT employment and then dh will become a SAHD. He will do all the things I currently do (except the homeschooling). When our youngest is in school, he will pick up part-time, flexible work. We are very blessed to have these options, and yet I am very sad that I am unlikely to be home with the kids. I am frustrated that any job either of us takes will require relocating. I am frustrated that my dh can't pull in the salaries that I can get. I am frustrated that my dh isn't a "star" performer. We are frustrated that our kids are older so we can't just bounce them around, in and out of school districts as we change employment. We are equally frustrated at our situation, so we are both stress balls right now. He certainly noticed that my job hunt has been more successful and hopeful than his has been, so that's even more demoralizing. He's feeling like a failure. To compound the decision, we both know we are playing our "trump" card. If I do go back into the workforce resuming my prior career, this is kinda a one-time shot. My references aren't going to go to bat for me at this level again. Employers aren't going to entertain hiring me at this level if I've quit to SAH twice. I've been out of the work force for 8 years, and at some point soon I will have been out for too long to pick up where I left off. Thanks for reading my sob story. I am sure things will work out for us, but right now I am just so very, very sad and frustrated. This is truly a difficult spot to be in. Thanks for filling in some of the detail. I will say prayers for you and your DH. For you to have peace, for him to have calm and to not feel like a failure or that he has let his family down. Parenting and working and homeschooling come in all different flavors, and they key is finding a flavor that works for everyone. In the end, we all have to bend in some way or another, in order for the whole family to be happy. I will not lie and say that these last 17 years there's never been a time when I wished DH and I could switch positions. I will not lie and say that it wasn't ever frustrating that he did not have the earning potential that I have. I will not lie and say that I am just plain weary sometimes. But I know that in the long run, my children have benefited from having a stay at home parent and by being home schooled. And the same thing can be said of DH. There have been periods when he has felt like a failure for not being the work outside parent. There are times when he has felt like a failure because he can't make the $$ that I can. We get through those times and on the other side, there is peace. I have found that I need to re-assure DH *constantly* that this decision was the best that we could do, that God has blessed us for raising our own kids, that we've taught them many valuable things, the *he* is valuable in the role that he plays. Especially in the beginning of this journey; now it's only sometimes. God bless you and your family in this journey! ~coffee~ Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
speedmom4 Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Thanks for all the support. I feel like I'm in a very difficult spot. My dh has supported us for 8 years, and he wants to support us. Before I became a SAHM, I supported us for about the same amount of time. Dh was a SAHD for three years, and he was great at it. I've been a SAHM for 8 years, and I'm even better at it. :001_smile: Our ideal family situation is for me to be at home. However, our reality is having a difficult time matching up to our ideals. Dh has been struggling with his employment for a couple years, and things are finally coming to a head. I support him and certainly don't want to "force" him to keep a job that he can't tolerate. He's been looking for other opportunities - applying and interviewing - with no success. The problem then arises because I can support us. I can actually support us at a higher income level than dh can bring in. Talent comes in many levels, and unfortunately (fortunately?) for us, my talent level is higher than dh's. Yesterday dh requested a 20% pay decrease in exchange for his boss removing some responsibilities off his plate. If his boss complies, we will be very, very tight, and we will have to dip into savings until we find more income. I don't know where things will lead, but I am likely to find FT employment and then dh will become a SAHD. He will do all the things I currently do (except the homeschooling). When our youngest is in school, he will pick up part-time, flexible work. We are very blessed to have these options, and yet I am very sad that I am unlikely to be home with the kids. I am frustrated that any job either of us takes will require relocating. I am frustrated that my dh can't pull in the salaries that I can get. I am frustrated that my dh isn't a "star" performer. We are frustrated that our kids are older so we can't just bounce them around, in and out of school districts as we change employment. We are equally frustrated at our situation, so we are both stress balls right now. He certainly noticed that my job hunt has been more successful and hopeful than his has been, so that's even more demoralizing. He's feeling like a failure. To compound the decision, we both know we are playing our "trump" card. If I do go back into the workforce resuming my prior career, this is kinda a one-time shot. My references aren't going to go to bat for me at this level again. Employers aren't going to entertain hiring me at this level if I've quit to SAH twice. I've been out of the work force for 8 years, and at some point soon I will have been out for too long to pick up where I left off. Thanks for reading my sob story. I am sure things will work out for us, but right now I am just so very, very sad and frustrated. You are in a tough position. Is there any way that your husband could homeschool? There are a lot of online opportunities or co-ops. You could be involved on week nights and weekends. I sincerely hope this all works out better than you can imagine right now!!! Elise in NC Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
QueenCat Posted March 26, 2013 Share Posted March 26, 2013 Can your dh homeschool for at least a little while, so all of the changes don't happen at once? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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