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What would you suggest we work on? How do you know when to move on?


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This is an explanation by definition. I think my son followed all of the instructions(in the rubric) for the assignment (WWS2 Week 21) but I want to go beyond that as he is older(9th) than the target age for WWS2. What should I have him work on? Do you think I should have him eliminate the being verbs? I'll put them in red below. Or should I talk to him about better sentence to sentence cohesion? I get to this point and just don't know what to tell him to do. Should we just move on? Thanks in advance for you input. Editing this to say that I made some comments myself in a reply to this post and it would be helpful if you commented on my comments, but commenting on his essay is great, too.

 

 

 

The Supermarine Spitfire: Watchdog of Britain

 

 

On August 9th, 1940, a squadron of Spitfires sits on an airfield, gleaming in the sunlight. The airfield mechanics have just finished repairing the planes’ engines from the last air raid, and now the planes and their pilots both rest before they are sent on another mission. Some of the pilots sleep, some play cards, others swap stories of combat. The latter group describes swirling dogfights from the cockpit of their airplane, recalling the tight turns and breathtaking dives that they guided their planes through. Many think of the times when the excellence of their plane saved them from sure destruction and ensured their safe return.

 

The Supermarine Spitfire was quite beautiful, considering that it was designed only thirty years after the Wright Flyer. Its lines streamed elegantly from front to back, giving it excellent aerodynamics. Its wings stretched out from underneath the narrow fuselage. They were “gracefully curved elliptical wingsâ€[1] that greatly added to the feisty fighter plane’s beauty.

 

Besides its good looks, the Spitfire boasted an impressive performance sheet. In level flight, it could reach speeds of up to 349 miles per hour. It could soar 34,700 feet in the air. It outperformed its foremost enemy, the Messerschmitt Bf-109, in all areas except for the dive.[2] The Spitfire carried eight guns with which it fought all of its battles. Among the airplane’s few shortcomings was its short range,[3] but overall it performed remarkably well for its time.

 

The Spitfire flew among several other fighter planes in World War II. All of them, on both sides of the war, served to keep their home skies empty of enemy aircraft and to escort bombers over enemy skies. The Spitfire stood out because it excelled at protecting the skies over England at a time when Hitler’s Luftwaffe was assaulting England with mighty force.

 

The Spitfire began in the mind of an airplane designer named Reginald Mitchell. Mitchell had participated in an airplane competition for the Schneider Trophy. As he designed and built planes for the competition, he learned much about how to build fast and nimble aircraft. In the early 1930s, he put his knowledge to work in designing a new fighter plane. When an illness forced him to travel through Germany to Switzerland, he saw the state of affairs in Germany and resolved to continue work on his airplane. When he returned to Britain, he worked very hard on his plane in spite of his degenerating health. As a result of his tireless labor, the first prototype flew successfully in March of 1937. Mitchell died two months later. His plane lived on, however, and was later manufactured for the RAF, who dubbed it the Spitfire.[4] It went on to become the mount of many brave pilots in the Battle of Britain. As a result of the crucial role it played helping Britain to withstand the Blitz of 1940, the Spitfire took on an “almost mystic qualityâ€[5] in the minds of the British people.

 

History remembers the Spitfire because it appeared at the perfect time. It alone could best stand against the then far superior Luftwaffe. It and the Hawker Hurricane, another fighter plane, stood nearly alone between Britain and Germany’s invasion. For a time, they protected not just Britain, but also by extension the whole of the free world. For this reason it is, and always should be, remembered by all.

 

 

 

[1] Ron Dick and Dan Patterson, 50 Aircraft that Changed the World (Boston Mills Press, 2007), p. 86.

 

[2] Ibid, p. 89.

 

[3] T. A. Heppenheimer, A Brief History of Flight: From Balloons to Mach 3 and Beyond (John Wiley and Sons, Inc., 2001), p. 214.

 

[4] Dick and Patterson, pp. 86-89.

 

[5] Ibid, p. 86.

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In bold are the comments I just made about his essay. Please comment on my comments if you have time! Am I too picky, wrong, etc?

 

 

 

The Supermarine Spitfire: Watchdog of Britain

 

On August 9th, 1940, a squadron of Spitfires sits on an airfield, gleaming in the sunlight [Dangling, I think.] The airfield mechanics have just finished repairing the planes’ engines from the last air raid, and now the planes and their pilots both rest before they are sent on another mission. Some of the pilots sleep, some play cards, others swap stories of combat. [ Good, I think the lack of conjunction is the best choice. Did you do this on purpose?] The latter group describes swirling dogfights from the cockpit of their airplane[Let’s check the grammar here. Should it be cockpits and airplanes?], recalling the tight turns and breathtaking dives that they guided their planes through. Many think of the times when the excellence of their plane saved them from sure destruction and ensured their safe return.

 

The Supermarine Spitfire was quite beautiful, considering that it was designed only thirty years after the Wright Flyer. Its lines streamed elegantly from front to back, giving it excellent aerodynamics. Its wings stretched out from underneath the narrow fuselage. They were “gracefully curved elliptical wings†that greatly added to the feisty fighter plane’s beauty.

 

Besides its good looks, the Spitfire boasted an impressive performance sheet. In level flight, it could reach speeds of up to 349 miles per hour. It could soar 34,700 feet in the air. It outperformed its foremost enemy, the Messerschmitt Bf-109, in all areas except for the dive. The Spitfire carried eight guns with which it fought all of its battles. Among the airplane’s few shortcomings was its short range, but overall it performed remarkably well for its time.

 

The Spitfire flew among several other fighter planes in World War II. All of them, on both sides of the war, served to keep their home skies empty of enemy aircraft and to escort bombers over enemy skies. The Spitfire stood out because it excelled at protecting the skies over England at a time when Hitler’s Luftwaffe was assaulting England with mighty force. [Why did it excel, because it was what was available or because of some feature it possessed?]

 

The Spitfire began in the mind of an airplane designer named Reginald Mitchell. Mitchell had participated in an airplane competition for the Schneider Trophy. As he designed and built planes for the competition, he learned much about how to build fast and nimble aircraft. In the early 1930s, he put his knowledge to work in designing a new fighter plane. When an illness forced him to travel through Germany to Switzerland, he saw the state of affairs in Germany and resolved to continue work on his airplane. [Why?What affairs? What did he fear?] When he returned to Britain, he worked very hard on his plane in spite of his degenerating health. As a result of his tireless labor, the first prototype flew successfully in March of 1937. Mitchell died two months later. His plane lived on, however, and was later manufactured for the RAF, who dubbed it the Spitfire [I think the first sentence and first clause of the second are more closely related then the first clause of the second that the rest of that sentence. What do you think?] It went on [K7] become the mount of many brave pilots in the Battle of Britain. As a result of the crucial role it played helping Britain to withstand the Blitz of 1940, the Spitfire took on an “almost mystic qualityâ€[5] in the minds of the British people.

 

History remembers the Spitfire because it appeared at the perfect time. It alone could best stand against the then far superior Luftwaffe. It and the Hawker Hurricane, another fighter plane, stood nearly alone between Britain and Germany’s invasion.[i don’t know how to change this, but something seems wrong here or just awkward, maybe if Britain became a possesive for something else so that it is more parallel] For a time, they protected not just Britain, but also by extension the whole of the free world. For this reason it is, and always should be, remembered by all.

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  • 4 months later...

I enjoy your son's writing style!  

 

For your comments, I agree that the asyndeton is engaging; I do wonder why he is dropping the anaphora of "some" in exchange for "others." The last sentence of his introduction would be more powerful if made exactly parallel; right now he is really close with two transitive verbs, but the prep phrase vs adjectives outbalance the weight of the direct objects. 

 

I am enjoying his wonderful participial phrases. I would encourage him to play with moving them around a bit. Right now they often sit at the end of clauses. What about using them as introductory or interjectory phrases? (Of course, he has to be wary of a dangling participle both ways.)

 

I think your comments in the Mitchell paragraph rightly point out some clarity issues. 

 

What about his transitions among his paragraphs? I found myself enjoying the tidbits of information but uncertain how they fit together as a whole. It seems like you are instructing him in rhetoric and grammar; I would encourage him to use transitional strategies such as metabasis or hypophora to help bring cohesion between one paragraph and the next.

 

How is he choosing the order of his body paragraphs? Perhaps I'm just really ignorant about planes (very possible!), but I could not find a logical relationship in the progression. It would be helpful for him to make that progression a little clearer in either his transitions or somewhere in his introduction. I do like his engaging opening paragraph; he could always have a second that is more expository so that he doesn't have to taint his lead. (If he is attached to it, and if that doesn't break the form of explanation by definition.) 

 

I hope that is somewhat helpful. I love that he can write about a topic he is clearly passionate about. :)

 

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Amy,

 

Thank you so very much.  This was incredibly helpful and that was just my first read through of your post.  The last few days and next two are really busy, but then next week I am getting some time for myself and I will reread.  I am working through Writing with Clarity and Style so I now know some of the terms you use.  I know my son will also  appreciate your comments.  

 

Kendall 

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