Jump to content

Menu

How would you handle a mom who...


5LittleMonkeys
 Share

Recommended Posts

constantly tells you that she misses you, wants to see you more often, wants to talk to you more often, and that your dad would like to talk to you (on the phone) occasionally so he knows you still care.....but NEVER initiates any of these interactions?

 

 

A few details:

  • They live 45 minutes away...by their choice. They could have purchased closer to my sister and I but didn't want to live so close to a large town.
  • They don't work. Dad is retired and Mom hasn't worked in 10-15 years.
  • They live off of SS, but comfortably.
  • They often come to my town for doctor's appointment but never make arrangements to stop in and visit, even if just for a few minutes. (Her excuse is always...I don't want to interrupt your teaching. To which I have always replied that I am very flexible and would never choose school over visiting with her.)
  • She has two small dogs that are usually her excuse for not coming to visit. She claims she can't leave them home for too long or they will pee on the floor. However, when she REALLY wants to come, like for holidays, she always brings them with her. Her dogs are always welcome in my home...I've even put up a small fence for them so when they are here she doesn't have to walk them on a leash.
  • Her home is not kid friendly. There is nothing there for them my kids to do (she doesn't keep activity things or toys there for them) so I have to pack stuff to keep them occupied when we go. If the weather is nice they can play outside, but they aren't even allowed up on the porch with shoes on and if they come in the house they just about have to strip and bathe...lest a speck of dirt get deposited on her floor.
  • When I have called my dad and tried to talk to him the conversation lasts about 3 minutes. He does not like talking on the phone.
  • I have told her over and over that she can call me ANYTIME of the day. She says she doesn't want to interrupt school. I tell her fine, then call me in the evening...then she says she doesn't want to interrupt my relaxing.
  • I've asked my mom to come over time and time again so she and I can go to lunch or shopping, or for her to just hang out and be a part of what I do everyday....nope.
  • I do call her once a week, and I try to go over there once a month or so...I used to go over twice a month but gas is horrendous. I have a large F150 Van and it costs me $30.00 to go there and back. It costs them about $10, which I've offered to help pay if that is ever an issue.
  • I have explained to her that she needs to make an effort as well...I've explained how hard it is for me to pack up all my kids and their stuff and come over there once a week...I've explained how hurtful it is when she comes to town and doesn't even pop her head in to say hi (I never know until after the fact that she was even in town)...I've explained until I'm blue in the face without coming right out and telling her that she is being selfish, and needs to stop playing the martyr.

 

 

I love my mom (and dad) immensely and love spending time with them, but I just don't get this mentality that all the interactions must be initiated by me. They've raised their family and had their careers and are now in a time of their lives that they have the luxury of time to do what they want with their days. To hear her talk she is desperate to spend more time with us, but there is NO effort at all - apparently it is my duty as their daughter to make all the effort. I don't get it and it is swiftly causing me to loose patience and build up animosity. The worst part is the guilt, even though I know I have nothing to feel guilty about.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Can you set up a very specific time for them to come, regularly? Say, every other Saturday from noon to 3:00? You could tell her that you really want to you and your children to spend time with them, and how about setting up a regular time of twice/month? If the weather is nice, you can picnic. The kids that are free will be there too. Then, you have something in place, and if they back out, it's their own choice. Or maybe one of those Saturdays, you could meet them at a park half-way?

 

I do know of grandparents who very sweetly and sincerely are concerned about interfering (my own parents :)) and often wait for me to plan.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I think a schedule is best. You probably won't get them to agree to a formal schedule, but you can invite them specifically to come on X day and keep negotiating until it happens.

 

I do have someone like this. She was a mother figure to me as I grew up, and one of the dearest people in my life. She is in Florida. We have the same kinds of discussions. She never calls and clearly expects me to do the calling. She puts considerable pressure on me to come to Florida, at my expense. It's quite frustrating! I skipped one year (last year) and she brings it up every time we call, begging me to come. I have begged her to come up here and offered to pay her ticket, explaining it's still waaaaaay cheaper than flying or driving my whole family down to her, but she will not come, not even for a weekend at my expense.

 

Even if I go to her by myself, it's still a ton of work because of all the arrangements I have to make for the kids.

 

I call her when I can and cut off the recriminations about not calling by either saying, "If you want to talk to me, pick up the phone and call." or by changing the subject.

 

I try to go down once a year, often by myself even though she is then unhappy because she hasn't seen the kids.

 

I have had to accept that she will not change, even though it's unfair and hurtful. I have accepted that it's my place to call her and to travel to her, but I require her to accept the fact that I cannot afford to come as much as she wants, that she will see the kids only every couple of years, and that if I have to be the one calling it will not be as often as she would like.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Could this be a family culture thing? I have a family member who always went to visit HER mother, seldom the other way around. Now that this family member is older, she expects the younger generation to do the traveling to come to her house. We do the best we can, but like you, traveling with kids is hard and gas is expensive.

 

She always wants Christmas at her house and I think she was surprised when my dh and I stood firm that Christmas eve and Christmas Day we said we would be at OUR house.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The older I get the more I think that people are just wired the way they are wired.

 

 

I get this and know that odds are I'm not going to get her to change regarding making the effort. I just want the guilt trips to stop. Telling me you will be dead soon and it's totally up to me to spend time with you before such event happens is not going to endear me to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have a similar situation and I relate. We moved across the country several years ago, but even when we lived closer (30 min from 1 set, 90 min from the other) we experienced similar patterns. I'd like to say it's gotten better, but it really hasn't. I like the above suggestion to set up a montly/bi-monthly visit. Maybe that would help.

 

For me, it honestly depends upon how I perceive the person's true motivation. If they genuinely seem motivated by consideration (to your time, school routine, etc.). One set of parents is genuinely concerned about not interrupting our time or day with phonecalls and has nicely (in a non-guilt inducing manner) asked that I make contact with them as I have time. She requests the same from my teens, that they initiate contact as they desire. We're all okay with that although I do wish that they'd make more of an effort to speak with my littler ones or that they'd actually consider visiting with us. Once in a while, if it's been more than a week since I've called, they might remark that they'd been hoping to hear from me, etc. but it's always in a very positive tone.

 

The other set of parents (in -laws) definitely comes at things differently. They have an attitude of entitlement. They have clearly stated their belief that they have "earned" the respect of us initiating contact (to show how much we love/appreciate them?!?). Again, the male parent isn't very talkative via telephone, which makes it hard. Also, they prefer that we make visits (at our expense) since we were the ones who made the decision to move so far away. They will come to visit with us about once per year, but still pressure us to travel for the benefit of the extended family (none of whom we are particularly close to). There is lots of pressure and lots of guilt/shame used. We do lots of changing the subject. As a result of all this we avoid them to some extent.

 

While we are grateful and respect all the parents involved, we feel that there needs to be more mutual courtesy and respect exhibited. As a quick example, I no longer call my MIL on her birthday or mother's day. I will remind my dh and kids to call her, but for the first 15 years of my marriage I called and purchased and delivered gifts to her and it was never reciprocated. Each year, sometime during my birthday month, my MIL would remark that she knew I had a birthday coming up, but that I still hadn't made it onto her calendar so she wasn't sure when it was. This went on for over 12 years! I wouldn't have been hurt or angry if she had ignored it entirely, but the way it was handled year after year was very hurtful. Dh has communicated this with her gently and it did not change. They never wish dh a happy father's day or birthday either. In fact, dh is born on their anniversary and he'd be in very hot water if he didn't call them. These are really trivial examples, but the big picture is a lack of respect and the entitlement issues. It really does pervade the whole relationship.

 

Clear and gentle communication can be helpful, but isn't a cure-all.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My mom has gotten upset with relatives because she'll tell them, "Come by and see us," and they never do. I've told her if she wants people to come over, she needs to be specific and give them a time and date. For your situation, I'd say the same thing. Set up a specific date and time to come over. Call your dad every Monday night at 8:00 (or whatever) even if it is for 3 minutes. Next time you know your mom is coming for a doctor appointment tell her to come by afterward and have lunch with you and the kids.

 

By the way, your parents sound so much like mine, it's creepy! :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've learned a little trick on how to deal with this. Just turn it (her /their words) around and give them the same lines.

 

I'm learning how not to feel guilty about not giving in 100% of the time and allowing myself to do as little as they are willing to do.

 

Some people talk a good game, but when it comes to actually doing something they are not going to do it; the burden is all on you. You should be just as important to her as she is to you.

 

ymmv I'm tired of dealing with people who expect 100% of the relationship effort be on my part.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've learned a little trick on how to deal with this. Just turn it (her /their words) around and give them the same lines.

 

I'm learning how not to feel guilty about not giving in 100% of the time and allowing myself to do as little as they are willing to do.

 

Some people talk a good game, but when it comes to actually doing something they are not going to do it; the burden is all on you. You should be just as important to her as she is to you.

 

ymmv I'm tired of dealing with people who expect 100% of the relationship effort be on my part.

 

 

 

:iagree:

 

Just like with homeschooling. Someone says "you really need to worry about socialization." I just say "yes. we do." Agreeing with people ends things so quickly.

Mom: "I miss you."

you: "I miss you too."

Mom: "I feel like you never come and visit."

you: "Yes, I feel like you never come and visit too."

 

You can not change people, you can only change the way you react and interact with them.

 

Once you have done it with one person, it gets easier and easier.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

I have had to accept that she will not change, even though it's unfair and hurtful. I have accepted that it's my place to call her and to travel to her, but I require her to accept the fact that I cannot afford to come as much as she wants, that she will see the kids only every couple of years, and that if I have to be the one calling it will not be as often as she would like.

 

Okay, how do you "require" her to accept this? I've explained all of these things to my mom, and she says she gets it but then goes right back to the guilt trips..."I miss you...you don't come to see me...you don't call me often enough...I'll be dead soon...yadda, yadda"

Link to comment
Share on other sites

 

You can not change people, you can only change the way you react and interact with them.

 

 

I guess I know I can't change her. I just don't know how to put aside the hurt feelings, annoyance, and the guilt. Everytime I do make the effort I have to listen to how glad she is to hear from me or see me....but, how it really should be more often. :glare: So, I suppose this is all more about me than it is about her - my inability to cope with her behavior and her pretzel logic.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I guess I know I can't change her. I just don't know how to put aside the hurt feelings, annoyance, and the guilt. Everytime I do make the effort I have to listen to how glad she is to hear from me or see me....but, how it really should be more often. :glare: So, I suppose this is all more about me than it is about her - my inability to cope with her behavior and her pretzel logic.

 

I had to do this with my Dad. It is hard to start. Once you start though, it is amazing how quickly being strong starts to feel really good.

 

I found I "knew" what my dad would say to certain things, so I came up with "sound bites". That way I didn't have to think of what to say on the spot. Including; "If you want to give me a guilt trip, do it to my picture." if he would keep being negative "Ok, well call me back when you are ready to talk, bye." and hanging up the phone.

 

Think of what she is doing that annoys you and makes you feel bad. Name it, and use the name. If she is giving you a guilt trip, call it a guilt trip. If she is being passive aggressive, call it that. Naming the behavior and saying it out loud to my Dad, letting him know that I wasn't going to listen to it, helped me put aside the feelings of hurt. :grouphug:

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Okay, how do you "require" her to accept this? I've explained all of these things to my mom, and she says she gets it but then goes right back to the guilt trips..."I miss you...you don't come to see me...you don't call me often enough...I'll be dead soon...yadda, yadda"

 

I absolutely refuse to listen to the guilt trips. Just will not do it. Here are some examples:

 

"It's been so long since you called. I've missed you. I was wondering how you are as it's been so long."

"You're always welcome to call me, silly. How's the farm?" (Her husband runs an organic aquaponic farm.)

If she persists with the you-haven't-called-in-so-long, I just repeat and change the subject. I do not wait for her to respond to my statement about calling me--doing so just gives her room to whine more. I set the boundary and change the subject.

 

"I haven't seen the kids in three years, sweetie!"

"You're always welcome to come visit. I'll even buy your ticket. How's the farm?"

 

"When are you coming? You didn't come at all last year."

"Not sure when I'll be able to arrange that. How's the farm?"

 

"When are you coming?"

"It's an expense I cannot afford right now. How's the farm?"

 

You get the picture. Set the boundary, change the subject. Repeat, repeat, repeat,. Do not go around and around on the blame or guilt thing--it resolves nothing and gets you nowhere. It's best just to get to the "good" part of the conversation, where you are conversing and catching up and having fun just talking.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...