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Would this email bother you?


SebastianCat
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I'd like to get some opinions from others to discern whether I am overreacting to a situation or not....

 

Suppose you knew a man in a professional/service industry situation for 9-10 years, but in the past 2 years your DH had gotten to know him better, inviting him to participate in a small group Bible study that DH leads at church. This man is a Christian and there's no reason to think he has inappropriate motives, but you notice that he seems to be overly "attached" to your DH. Not in a weird way, he just seems to go out of his way to do things with your DH, texts DH almost daily, looks to DH for advice often, etc. A couple of comments that he's made set off your "creep alarm," but they're probably innocent. You have met his wife and kids, but aren't close friends with her......just say hello and make small talk.

 

DH travels for work only a couple times per year, plus he goes on one fishing trip each year with some good friends (of which this man is not included). Every time in the past 1-2 years that your DH has traveled out of town, the man has sought YOU out to let you know that if you need any help while DH is away, you can call or email him. Yesterday, DH leaves to go out of town to help his parents with some medical issues, and the man emails you directly with his cell phone, work phone, and home phone numbers, saying "If you need anything at all, let me know. I'm very handy. I'm only 3 miles away."

 

So.......what would you do? Is this someone who is genuinely interested in being helpful, or is this overstepping some boundary? Does the "creep alarm" from earlier comments make a difference in how you interpret the email? Would you mention this to your DH, and ask him to set some boundaries with this man?

 

This email immediately made me uncomfortable, almost as if I am being stalked. If I did have an emergency while DH was away, I don't really care how handy he is, I'd call someone else first before calling him. And I might be upset if DH sent that same email to someone else's wife without me being involved. But I am sleep-deprived this week and don't know if I'm overreacting. Feel free to tell me if that's the case.

 

Thanks.

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To me, it isn't overstepping or reason for upset because it is a pretty normal thing to do in my community where spouses are gone a lot. For that reason, I wouldn't *do* anything about the email, even if he set off alarms within me for nebulous reasons. I wouldn't call him or contact him, if he made me uncomfortable for any reason. But, I wouldn't tell him that or have anyone else talk to him about it. It is pretty hard to say, "stay away from my wife, she thinks you are creepy." Kwim?

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Do you know for certain that his wife doesn't know he sent the email?

 

Honestly, it would strike me as somewhat odd if it were someone in my church, but only because we are overly cautious of doing anything that displays "the appearance of evil." For instance, I would not go to any of my femals friends homes and be alone with thier dh if they were not in the house. Could give reason for someone to speculate. If it were my dh offering help, he probably would have offered his "services" through your dh, not in a personal email.

 

Your "creep alarm" may be going off in person and it may seem much more innocent in print. Some things are just a gut feeling, kwim?

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At first I wasn't sure if you thought he was being creepy with your husband or you! I'll admit that it does seem a tad creepy, but I wouldn't say anything for now. I'd probably keep my distance. At the same time, I can think of a couple of men I personally know who might do the same thing, completely innocently. They are both a little eccentric and their social skills are slightly off, but with good hearts and intentions.

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I'd like to get some opinions from others to discern whether I am overreacting to a situation or not....

 

Suppose you knew a man in a professional/service industry situation for 9-10 years, but in the past 2 years your DH had gotten to know him better, inviting him to participate in a small group Bible study that DH leads at church. This man is a Christian and there's no reason to think he has inappropriate motives, but you notice that he seems to be overly "attached" to your DH. Not in a weird way, he just seems to go out of his way to do things with your DH, texts DH almost daily, looks to DH for advice often, etc. A couple of comments that he's made set off your "creep alarm," but they're probably innocent. You have met his wife and kids, but aren't close friends with her......just say hello and make small talk.

 

DH travels for work only a couple times per year, plus he goes on one fishing trip each year with some good friends (of which this man is not included). Every time in the past 1-2 years that your DH has traveled out of town, the man has sought YOU out to let you know that if you need any help while DH is away, you can call or email him. Yesterday, DH leaves to go out of town to help his parents with some medical issues, and the man emails you directly with his cell phone, work phone, and home phone numbers, saying "If you need anything at all, let me know. I'm very handy. I'm only 3 miles away."

 

So.......what would you do? Is this someone who is genuinely interested in being helpful, or is this overstepping some boundary? Does the "creep alarm" from earlier comments make a difference in how you interpret the email? Would you mention this to your DH, and ask him to set some boundaries with this man?

 

This email immediately made me uncomfortable, almost as if I am being stalked. If I did have an emergency while DH was away, I don't really care how handy he is, I'd call someone else first before calling him. And I might be upset if DH sent that same email to someone else's wife without me being involved. But I am sleep-deprived this week and don't know if I'm overreacting. Feel free to tell me if that's the case.

 

Thanks.

 

 

I don't understand the bolded at all.

 

My husband travels a lot and I always get offers like this, so I don't think much about it, but if it's on top of other creepy things, then yeah. We had a friend like this once and it was really just his personality. It made me a little uncomfortable nonetheless, so I would never call him if I needed something, but I knew it was completely harmless.

 

It's probably just his quirky personality, but I still wouldn't take him up on the offer if it makes you uncomfortable.

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yeah - odd at best.

 

I would ignore the e-mail. if you see him and he brings it up - thank him for his concern/offer (giving the benefit of the doubt he's socially awkward and clueless), but you will be fine. (iow: don't expect to hear from you.) I would definitely say something to my dh, and tell him how uncomfortable the guy makes me.

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The actions you describe wouldn't necessarily seem weird to me but the fact that he has set off your "creep alarm" would. I tend to go with my gut feelings on people and if someone made me uncomfortable I would definitely keep my distance.

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I'm going to go with listening to your creep-alarm and suggest discussing this with your dh once he is home. While your dh is gone, I would suggest not responding in any way to his offers or with a big old...NO Thank you!

 

Even if he is just a little off, there is no excuse for your being made to feel stalked or unsettled.

 

Don't be afraid to be a little rude.

 

Please, please don't ever be made to feel like you are not being kind by listening to your gut; there is a reason we have these internal alarms.

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Nope. He seems like he has bonded to your family and was just extending a helping hand if needed. Dh has a friend be talks to daily and is active on social media. I work with a man who texts hs friends all the time. I dont think dh or my coworker are creepy the are just social guys/with social freinds. He wasnt standing out your window gazing in. He just sent you an email saying how to get ahold of him if you need it. He just sounds like a a social guy...not a creep.

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The actions would not bother me, but the gut feeling would. There is a man in my life who gives me the creepy feeling sometimes, what he says, what he does, how he looks at me too long. Thankfully I am not around him more than two or three times a year (never alone) so I just ignore it.

 

If I were you I would ignore it and write it off as a socially awkward guy who wants to be friendly. I probably would either not answer the email, or just write a brief reply. "Thanks for the offer. I'm sure I'll be fine."

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It doesn't sound that weird to me. He seems like he's trying a little too hard to be a good friend to your dh, so definitely some social awkwardness, but based on what you've posted I wouldn't get upset about it. I'm guessing your dh knows about the emails and isn't upset, so this guy doesn't seem to set off his creepometer. If it was me, I'd not worry about it and just not call the guy for help with anything if I was uncomfortable.

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I would never advise a woman to ignore a bad feeling she has about a man.

 

That said, I don't think you necessarily need to do anything about it at this point. I wouldn't respond to the email. I would keep it though and I would write down all the things that set off the "creep-alarm" and write down any thing new that happens.

 

If things escalate (e.g., he shows up at your house when your husband is away) then your husband should it make it clear to him that's not OK. Then go from there. If he doesn't listen, then he's not someone your family should be friends with.

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OP has not mentioned how her husband reacts to this man's behaviour.

 

I do think it odd for the man to text her husband every day, unless her husband includes texting between close friends as part of his "normal" friendship activity. (I can't guess about this. My husband does not text anybody. Nor do I.) Daily texting plus frequent seeking of advice sounds "needy". He may be a lonely fellow, wanting male friends. OP's dh could tell her whether or not the man has other male friends.

 

On the other hand, the number of explicit advances to offer help, should it be needed, sounds a bit discomforting. . . . Our adult friendships are pretty much in place and are solid enough that the husbands feel no need to offer to help when my dh travels. They know, and we know, that all I have to do is call and they will do whatever they can at the time.

 

This particular e-mail does sound "a bit overmuch". I would not answer it; however, if pressed, I might say something along the lines of "Thanks for your offer. If I need anything, I'll call Q." (with Q being the name of the man's wife) That places the focus appropriately. (and, of course, call somebody completely else!)

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I would trust your gut. Personally, I think he's overstepping his boundaries. I would also ask your husband to not inform his friends when he is leaving town. Explain your feelings to DH.

 

ETA: Since he has his own family, that's where I feel he is overstepping. If he were single, bored and craving social interaction, it might be different.

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I would trust your gut. Personally, I think he's overstepping his boundaries. I would also ask your husband to not inform his friends when he is leaving town. Explain your feelings to DH.

 

ETA: Since he has his own family, that's where I feel he is overstepping. If he were single, bored and craving social interaction, it might be different.

 

 

Bolded suggestion is a good security point. If your family has its support network in place, and this other man is not part of it (a decision requiring agreement between OP and her DH), no announcement is needed.

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I am overly helpful sometimes too, and I am sure it bothers some people. If you are bothered by the email, then just reply that everything is fine, but if something comes up you will let him know and leave it at that. My dh likes knowing that there are people I can call if a pipe breaks or whatever that I cannot fix without a great deal of time and some YouTube videos lol. What does your dh think about the email?

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I am a little surprised that a friendly offer of help would set off alarm bells with so many people. None of what is described-daily texting, asking for advice or offering to help out a family that you feel has served you in some way-would be considered odd or strange or socially awkward in my circles.

 

There have been times that I *have* called friends when I needed something and dh was gone. We have never considered it overstepping. My dh has likewise offered help, and we have both been called upon to help at various times. There was never anything sordid about it.

 

I understand that the OP has a gut feeling about him. I agree with trusting your gut. I would not rely on someone for help that I had a bad feeling about. But, I disagree with posts that imply he must have done something wrong to make her feel that way, or that he is *necessarily* responsible for her feelings.

 

I have had bad gut feelings about people with whom I barely spoke. I *know* that I was right to feel that way about some of them because they later did something to back up those feelings. But, they were not responsible or in some way wrong for me feeling that way in the first place.

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The actions would not bother me, but the gut feeling would.

listen to your gut. I knew a guy who was outwardly charming. I remember one conversation - about *sheep* of all things. the kind that graze in green fields. my gut was screaming he was trying to con me. having no objective data to support that feeling, I filed it away, and politely kept my distance. a few months later I learned he'd been arrested for fraud. (he later went to prison).

 

eta: I also know a guy - quite a bit clueless - who could do what this man does, and not set off alarms.

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I don't think the e-mail is odd at all. When my husband goes out of town (rarely), I will get several of these mails. My church believes in helping out those in need. When I go out of town my girlfriends make sure DH & the kids are invited over for dinner as much as they can. It's just what we do.

 

My next door neighbor is the nicest guy in the panet. When we first moved it we wondered about him he seemed overly helpful., but that's truly just who he is. Any one of us can go over there at any time and ask for help (he works from home) and he will bend over backwards to help. When my daughter broke her arm I called him to help brace it for the car ride (he's a volunteer EMT). He offered to go to the hospital with us. I declined, didnt want to be a bother. 10 minutes after I get there he's there to help anyway needed. (I couldn't get ahold of DH). I was so thankful as I would have lost it had he not showed up.

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I don't think the e-mail is odd at all. When my husband goes out of town (rarely), I will get several of these mails. My church believes in helping out those in need. When I go out of town my girlfriends make sure DH & the kids are invited over for dinner as much as they can. It's just what we do.

 

My next door neighbor is the nicest guy in the panet. When we first moved it we wondered about him he seemed overly helpful., but that's truly just who he is. Any one of us can go over there at any time and ask for help (he works from home) and he will bend over backwards to help. When my daughter broke her arm I called him to help brace it for the car ride (he's a volunteer EMT). He offered to go to the hospital with us. I declined, didnt want to be a bother. 10 minutes after I get there he's there to help anyway needed. (I couldn't get ahold of DH). I was so thankful as I would have lost it had he not showed up.

 

Ok, but do you have a bad feeling about any of these people?

The OP didn't say that an offer to help is weird, she is having an issue with one person she has a bad feeling about.

She also said that she has other people she can call to help her, so it's not like she is distrustful of all people or thinks that friends and neighbors shouldn't help eachother out.

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Hmm...socially awkward, trying to be helpful, maybe trying to re-pay your dh for his past help, etc. But it also has the potential to be "creepy". If it were me, I'd send back a very short text (email) stating that you appreciate the offer. Then be sure not to call him for any help. The way he responds or if he responds to that email might help determine if he has other than helpful motives.

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Her gut isn't telling her he is creepy, comments he made makes her feel like he is creepy. I'd need to know what these "creepy" comments are to determine if the e-mail is enough to push it over the edge. For myself, I wouldn't blink an eye at that e-mail. I would welcome that kind of e-mail from a friend of my SO's if he was going out of town.

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Thank you all so much for the responses.

 

OP has not mentioned how her husband reacts to this man's behaviour.

 

 

My DH generally ignores the texts that aren't pertinent or require a response, but I think he thinks this guy is seeking out male friendship and role models, and is genuine in his offer of help. I have told DH when he has made comments I felt were "off," but not specifically about the creepy feeling.

 

DH is out of town in the midst of dealing with medical issues with his dad, who is having complications after surgery. He doesn't need to deal with this now. I will wait until this crisis has passed and DH is home, and will share all of my concerns with him then. In the meantime, I don't plan to respond to the email. If I had a true emergency, I do have others I could call.

 

The thing that I think will bother DH is that he would not make an offer of help in the same way to someone else's wife. He would gladly offer to help if help is needed, but he would ask me to communicate that to the wife.

 

Again, thank you for the responses. They've been helpful.

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Her gut isn't telling her he is creepy, comments he made makes her feel like he is creepy. I'd need to know what these "creepy" comments are to determine if the e-mail is enough to push it over the edge. For myself, I wouldn't blink an eye at that e-mail. I would welcome that kind of e-mail from a friend of my SO's if he was going out of town.

 

 

Regarding the bolded, that is about the same thing.

Knowing what the comments were wouldn't necessarily help you determine anything, since so much can depend on how it's said, in what context, etc.

Also, I can guarantee you wouldn't welcome an email like that from someone you felt was creepy.

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Since we don't know what the other "off" comments were, it's hard to tell if he's creepy or socially awkward. The important thing is that the OP feels uncomfortable though. Just from the description of events, it wouldn't bother *me*, but I think this is one of those situations where you have to be there to judge properly. I just wouldn't answer the text. If he keeps texting or shows up unannounced then obviously the situation needs to be addressed by your dh.

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Ok, but do you have a bad feeling about any of these people?

The OP didn't say that an offer to help is weird, she is having an issue with one person she has a bad feeling about.

She also said that she has other people she can call to help her, so it's not like she is distrustful of all people or thinks that friends and neighbors shouldn't help eachother out.

 

In the beginning, the next door neighbor. Which is why I brought him up. It turns out that he is just a nice as can be guy. Quirky but nice. I mean this guy will knock on my door and ask if we have any leftovers he can eat. My husband told me to stop feeding him as his wife might be offended, she laughed when I told her I wasn't allowed to feed him anymore. So if I have leftovers that we aren't going to eat I call him over. He will come over at 2:00 on a weekday in the summer, with a frisbee in hand, and ask if anyone (me or kids) can come out to play. On the outside he seems very odd/possibly creepy. But he's just a genuinely nice guy. We've lived here 10 years. Honestly if it wasn't for the creepy nice guy next door we probably would have moved 5 years ago. We have yet to find a house worth giving up our neighbor for.

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Ok, but do you have a bad feeling about any of these people?

The OP didn't say that an offer to help is weird, she is having an issue with one person she has a bad feeling about.

She also said that she has other people she can call to help her, so it's not like she is distrustful of all people or thinks that friends and neighbors shouldn't help eachother out.

 

In the beginning, the next door neighbor. Which is why I brought him up. It turns out that he is just a nice as can be guy. Quirky but nice. I mean this guy will knock on my door and ask if we have any leftovers he can eat. My husband told me to stop feeding him as his wife might be offended, she laughed when I told her I wasn't allowed to feed him anymore. So if I have leftovers that we aren't going to eat I call him over. He will come over at 2:00 on a weekday in the summer, with a frisbee in hand, and ask if anyone (me or kids) can come out to play. On the outside he seems very odd/possibly creepy. But he's just a genuinely nice guy. We've lived here 10 years. Honestly if it wasn't for the creepy nice guy next door we probably would have moved 5 years ago. We have yet to find a house worth giving up our neighbor for.

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Since we don't know what the other "off" comments were, it's hard to tell if he's creepy or socially awkward. The important thing is that the OP feels uncomfortable though.

 

And I don't disagree with this. I only disagree with comments that imply he is necessarily doing something wrong because he must be doing something wrong, if she feels this way. I've had bad feelings about people as soon as I met them. I trusted my instincts, and I was right, but they weren't directly responsible for my feelings. Does that make sense?

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Thank you all so much for the responses.

 

 

 

The thing that I think will bother DH is that he would not make an offer of help in the same way to someone else's wife. He would gladly offer to help if help is needed, but he would ask me to communicate that to the wife.

 

 

 

Yes, I thought about that too. My DH would help someone in that situation, but he probably would tell me to tell the other wife that he is available. I think, also, that it's a bit patronizing to always feel like wives can't handle normal problems and repairs without the help of a man. I mean, if I had a problem, I would probably call a girl friend. If I had a serious household repair type problem, I would call a repairman. I can't think of what I would call just any old man for because he's a man. I would call my handy sister before any man I know, including my DH, if I had some sudden household repair event I needed someone to guide me through.

 

But anyway, nothing about this sounds really creepy to me, and I don't think that it's a red flag or anything. I wouldn't say anything to my DH at all except I would tell him that the guy emailed and offered help. DH could find that strange or not, but I probably wouldn't try to influence his feelings on it, because it does seem more likely then not that the man is just trying too hard to be a good friend.

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In the beginning, the next door neighbor. Which is why I brought him up. It turns out that he is just a nice as can be guy. Quirky but nice. I mean this guy will knock on my door and ask if we have any leftovers he can eat. My husband told me to stop feeding him as his wife might be offended, she laughed when I told her I wasn't allowed to feed him anymore. So if I have leftovers that we aren't going to eat I call him over. He will come over at 2:00 on a weekday in the summer, with a frisbee in hand, and ask if anyone (me or kids) can come out to play. On the outside he seems very odd/possibly creepy. But he's just a genuinely nice guy. We've lived here 10 years. Honestly if it wasn't for the creepy nice guy next door we probably would have moved 5 years ago. We have yet to find a house worth giving up our neighbor for.

 

The bolded would set off my creep meter!

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It seems like a nice thing to do, to me. I've been the recipient more than once on those types of emails and I always appreciate knowing that somebody has my back if I need help.

 

Maybe he's just awkward about it? I think some people receive awkward as creepy, when the person really is just trying to be nice. It sounds like he respects your husband and appreciates your dh's investment into his life. Maybe in some way he's trying to emulate your dh.

 

Anyways, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt.

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I'd like to get some opinions from others to discern whether I am overreacting to a situation or not....

 

Suppose you knew a man in a professional/service industry situation for 9-10 years, but in the past 2 years your DH had gotten to know him better, inviting him to participate in a small group Bible study that DH leads at church. This man is a Christian and there's no reason to think he has inappropriate motives, but you notice that he seems to be overly "attached" to your DH. Not in a weird way, he just seems to go out of his way to do things with your DH, texts DH almost daily, looks to DH for advice often, etc. A couple of comments that he's made set off your "creep alarm," but they're probably innocent. You have met his wife and kids, but aren't close friends with her......just say hello and make small talk.

 

DH travels for work only a couple times per year, plus he goes on one fishing trip each year with some good friends (of which this man is not included). Every time in the past 1-2 years that your DH has traveled out of town, the man has sought YOU out to let you know that if you need any help while DH is away, you can call or email him. Yesterday, DH leaves to go out of town to help his parents with some medical issues, and the man emails you directly with his cell phone, work phone, and home phone numbers, saying "If you need anything at all, let me know. I'm very handy. I'm only 3 miles away."

 

So.......what would you do? Is this someone who is genuinely interested in being helpful, or is this overstepping some boundary? Does the "creep alarm" from earlier comments make a difference in how you interpret the email? Would you mention this to your DH, and ask him to set some boundaries with this man?

 

This email immediately made me uncomfortable, almost as if I am being stalked. If I did have an emergency while DH was away, I don't really care how handy he is, I'd call someone else first before calling him. And I might be upset if DH sent that same email to someone else's wife without me being involved. But I am sleep-deprived this week and don't know if I'm overreacting. Feel free to tell me if that's the case.

 

Thanks.

 

The bold italics do not "work" for me. If someone sets off my creep alarm, I believe the alarm. I actively discourage my "be a nice girl" conditioning from minimizing the impact of the alarm.

 

On hte other italics, these reinforce the "eagerness" and "forced intimacy" that are hallmark of a predator in grooming mode. Predators groom *families* and they can be very patient.

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Offers of help or male to female communications in general creep me out because of some bad past experiences with "friends" who were not as well intended as I or later DH believed at the time. Nothing came of it, but I am a lot more cautious now. So- sharing my personal bias up front.

 

I think for most people used to working in mixed company day to day, offers of help, friendliness that extends to the spouse, ect. are a non-issue.

Also, sometimes folks do become overly attached or dependent. Though- folks working in a variety of professional industries are kind of in the mindset to always be reaching out, maintaining contacts etc.

 

 

I can very much see members or our church making similar offers or communications. For instance, there is someone at my church right now who extends unsolicited hugs, pats on the arm, etc. HATE IT! LOL! If he offered help while my DH was out of town, I would be totally put off. We just don't have that kind or relationship. Other folks at church, who I've come to know personally over several years and trust I wouldn't be disturbed at all. As I think about it though, the key to trust for me seems to be that I not only know the wife, but have seen husband and wife together enough/know her well enough to be confident in his character. I know that is horrible judgmental, but again, I've had some not so great experiences with wolves in sheep's clothing.

 

My personal policy is to politely decline or ignore as is applicable.

 

ETA: I would probably forward the actual e-mail to DH and we'd discuss it. DH would most likely be more cautious about telling foks when he's going out of town.

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It doesn't sound that weird to me. He seems like he's trying a little too hard to be a good friend to your dh, so definitely some social awkwardness, but based on what you've posted I wouldn't get upset about it. I'm guessing your dh knows about the emails and isn't upset, so this guy doesn't seem to set off his creepometer. If it was me, I'd not worry about it and just not call the guy for help with anything if I was uncomfortable.

 

This was my read too- he sounds desperate for a friend and is trying to be a good friend to your husband. Perhaps he doesn't have many other friends.

 

If he weirds you out, it's perfectly ok (in fact, ideal) to listen to yourself and hold him at a distance. But from all you write, I don't think I would be creeped out unless he was finding excuses to come over when you were alone or he seemed dangerous in some other way.

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Wow, I'm not sure I ever internalized in words the second part of your post, but it really hit home when I read it.

 

 

 

 

 

 

The bold italics do not "work" for me. If someone sets off my creep alarm, I believe the alarm. I actively discourage my "be a nice girl" conditioning from minimizing the impact of the alarm.

 

On hte other italics, these reinforce the "eagerness" and "forced intimacy" that are hallmark of a predator in grooming mode. Predators groom *families* and they can be very patient.

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I'm just curious to know why your husband is telling anyone he's going out of town. When my husband goes on trips (maybe two or three times a year), we try not to tell anyone besides family that he is gone. If you need help while your husband s away, I'm sure you can find someone to help. So, in addition to dealing with your feelings about Creepy Guy, maybe you can ask your Husband not to tell people he is going away ... For safety reasons.

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I believe in listening to my gut. It's usually right. Hopefully this guy is just socially awkward and a little starved for friendship, but it would not hurt to gently set up some boundaries. Boundaries exist because of our comfort zones, after all. If someone is pushing on your comfort zone to the point where your gut is saying "he's maybe a creep," that means it's time to get some boundaries in place.

 

Unfortunately, I am also slightly sleep-deprived, so I can't be much help in how to do that with tact!

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If the email bothers you, that's good enough for me.

 

Ignore the email, and if the guy shows up at your house, don't let him in.

 

He's probably harmless, but never, ever take a chance -- your creep-o-meter doesn't go off every time some guy talks to you, so if you're feeling uneasy about this particular man, follow your instincts.

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I'm just curious to know why your husband is telling anyone he's going out of town. When my husband goes on trips (maybe two or three times a year), we try not to tell anyone besides family that he is gone. If you need help while your husband s away, I'm sure you can find someone to help. So, in addition to dealing with your feelings about Creepy Guy, maybe you can ask your Husband not to tell people he is going away ... For safety reasons.

 

Only our close friends know when dh will be gone.

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I'd like to get some opinions from others to discern whether I am overreacting to a situation or not....

 

Suppose you knew a man in a professional/service industry situation for 9-10 years, but in the past 2 years your DH had gotten to know him better, inviting him to participate in a small group Bible study that DH leads at church. This man is a Christian and there's no reason to think he has inappropriate motives, but you notice that he seems to be overly "attached" to your DH. Not in a weird way, he just seems to go out of his way to do things with your DH, texts DH almost daily, looks to DH for advice often, etc. A couple of comments that he's made set off your "creep alarm," but they're probably innocent. You have met his wife and kids, but aren't close friends with her......just say hello and make small talk.

 

DH travels for work only a couple times per year, plus he goes on one fishing trip each year with some good friends (of which this man is not included). Every time in the past 1-2 years that your DH has traveled out of town, the man has sought YOU out to let you know that if you need any help while DH is away, you can call or email him. Yesterday, DH leaves to go out of town to help his parents with some medical issues, and the man emails you directly with his cell phone, work phone, and home phone numbers, saying "If you need anything at all, let me know. I'm very handy. I'm only 3 miles away."

 

So.......what would you do? Is this someone who is genuinely interested in being helpful, or is this overstepping some boundary? Does the "creep alarm" from earlier comments make a difference in how you interpret the email? Would you mention this to your DH, and ask him to set some boundaries with this man?

 

This email immediately made me uncomfortable, almost as if I am being stalked. If I did have an emergency while DH was away, I don't really care how handy he is, I'd call someone else first before calling him. And I might be upset if DH sent that same email to someone else's wife without me being involved. But I am sleep-deprived this week and don't know if I'm overreacting. Feel free to tell me if that's the case.

 

Thanks.

 

Never, ever ignore your gut reaction. If you think something is off, it is probably off. I'd just keep my guard up when coming and going. Adapt a wait and see attitude toward this. What does your husband say? Men aren't generally as intuitive, but has he ever felt odd about him?

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these reinforce the "eagerness" and "forced intimacy" that are hallmark of a predator in grooming mode. Predators groom *families* and they can be very patient.

 

 

THIS, this, this, this!

 

This is why we have a gut reaction in the first place, to warn us of upcoming danger which could be far down the road.

 

He might be harmless, but I would err far on the side of caution.

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I would never advise a woman to ignore a bad feeling she has about a man.

 

That said, I don't think you necessarily need to do anything about it at this point. I wouldn't respond to the email. I would keep it though and I would write down all the things that set off the "creep-alarm" and write down any thing new that happens.

 

If things escalate (e.g., he shows up at your house when your husband is away) then your husband should it make it clear to him that's not OK. Then go from there. If he doesn't listen, then he's not someone your family should be friends with.

 

 

Funny, I just watched a movie, in which the hideous killer has just drawn his next intended victim into the house. They were acquaintances, but all he did was casually ask him to come in for a drink.

 

After drugging him and tying him up in his underground lair, the killer casually muses, "Why do people ignore their instincts? You knew something didn't feel right but you came into the house anyway! People are more afraid of other people not liking them than they are of being safe (paraphrasing here)"

 

The whole movie gave me the creeps. Fortunately, this victim did escape as his girlfriend bashed the killer's head in, because she DID follow her instincts.

 

I TRUST that gut instinct. I don't have it about 99% of the people I meet. But if it starts pinging....I'm out of there.

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Initially I wouldn't have thought twice about it but re-reading the part where he contacted you as soon as dh left is a bit odd. On the surface he just sounds like a very helpful person but if you are concerned I'd go with your gut. My husband is one that offers to help with emergencies when husbands are away but only with the husband recieving the offer beforehand. And he will never go to work anywhere there will only be ladies without me or ds18 going with him regardless of how well he knows them.

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The email itself would not have bothered me. I've had similar offers of help from my dh's friends when dh is gone. I appreciate their willingness to help, even if I don't intend to call them. If your creep-o-meter is going off whenever that man is around, that is a different issue.

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