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Calling all RAD moms!!! (and update on my RAD daughter)


Denisemomof4
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I just found the most AMAZING website and wanted to share with you all here!

 

http://www.momsfindhealing.com/

 

I am definitely planning a retreat, perhaps the one in 2014!

 

Also, there are other groups available online where even siblings can write in to vent or even for encouragement. If you're interested in learning more, please send me a PM. I notice there are also links to similar groups on the website I've linked above.

 

I know that many RAD moms suffer silently. I have spoken to many of you through PM's here. I hope you still come around, because I know a lot of people have left since the switch over. But NO RAD mom should suffer silently. I know how hard it is to share, and it is so easy for people who don't understand to judge and lash out against those who do. But if you could go to one of the RAD support groups (I'd be happy to send you the names of some) you could share freely and safely, KNOWING that others on the board TRULY understand what you're going through! You won't be met with harsh words or criticism. You will be met with sympathy, encouragement, enlightenment. I have been a part of several groups for many, many years now, but the two I have joined recently are such a tremendous resource. I have had the privilege of speaking to teens suffering from RAD personally, and it has been WONDERFUL to get to know the feelings behind atrocious behaviors. THe two newest groups I have become a part of have RAD sufferers, RAD siblings, as well as RAD parents. The RAD sufferers are sharing to help others, and their input has been absolutely INVALUABLE!

 

I have purposely waited a long time to write any update about my daughter. I wanted a LOOOT of time to go by, because all too often a RAD child will do well, you will get excited and feel normal, then our worlds once again crash down around us. I have wanted to wait until March to make it a year since we had anything large happen. And this is HUGE for us. There are extremely few families dealing this this horrific disorder who can go such a long time with nothing to really report. I will say that the smearing issue we once had? Gone. Four months now, but it used to be just about dialy. My daughter is in such a good place. She will never be 100% healed, but she is living as normal a life as I could have ever dreamed of. We have worked through so many issues, she and I alone. No therapist has been able to help her, but I have used a therapist who specializes in attachment. I used her early on for my own support and understanding. She was wonderful! But the best thing I ever did for my daughter was years of research online, reading my countless books, buying books to help HER with her issues, and my online support communities. We've gotten to a REALLY good place now where I can start to see little stress cracks, so I will pull back and make her life smaller and quieter. When we do this, she is able to regulate herself. Just this week something happened that I've been hoping for for YEARS now. She came out and TOLD me she wanted to start her behaviors, so she asked for more quiet time in her room. I hope this will continue, that she will notice when the behaviors are going to flare, but I am capable of knowing all the signs myself. One thing a teen RAD sufferer made me realize is that my daughter likely NEEDS quiet time in her room just to process things. This girl, 17 now, a RAD sufferer who has been through years of treatment, even a residential treatment center, still needs this to stay regulated.

 

It was very, very difficult becoming the mother my daughter needed me to be. I appeared unloving and unkind, providing NO room for freedom for many years. She still has little now. BUT, she needed this, and she needed to be held accountable for her behaviors, and she needed to pay restitution for them. It was extremely exhausting and difficult work, but the rewards are much more than I dreamed of. It has been YEARS of this, and now? We truly DO live peaceful lives. ALL of us!!! I am starting to add things in that have been removed for years, such as tv. My child once wanted to hurt animals, but now she helps with them and enjoys them! We watch Dr. Pol together - it is "our" thing. When we notice stress cracks - we adjust our lives. Not being overly involved in activities like we once were has allowed us this! The days leading up to her birthday in March is usually the worst time of the year for her. We usually celebrate her birthday well in advance so we don't give her a chance to ruin it. This year? On her birthday we celebrated. And she didn't even TRY to sabotage it! It was very quiet and low key, which she needs, but it was perfect for her. We haven't done this in so long that I forget how many years it's been.

 

For moms out there trying to help their RAD child, please get your hands on all the resources you can. Join online support groups. They will be your lifeline because they LIVE your life. They won't judge you, criticize you, none of that which most RAD moms experience from those who truly DO NOT GET IT.

 

RAD moms - THERE IS A REASON TO HOPE!!!!! Stay strong, and stay consistent!!! Your child NEEDS you to! :grouphug:

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I'm so happy for you, Denise!

 

One of my husband's relatives dealt with this, and it wasn't a happy ending, and they did not have the support that they needed as a family. It breaks my heart for them. : (

 

I'm so encouraged to hear your news and so very, very proud of what you've accomplished. I want to be like you when I grow up! (Reworded: may God give me the grace to go the extra mile(s) in my diffcult situations and the determination to be an extraordinary woman in those roles, like you are in yours.)

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I am SOOO glad to hear this. I was actually, for-real thinking of you this morning and wondering how you are. There are so many folks here I don't see much anymore and I am not sure if they are still lurking or gone completely or under a new identity. I'm so happy to hear of the improvement with your dd. :hurray:

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Denise, you are an amazing mother and person.

You should seriously consider giving talks or writing a book.

 

You inspire me to be a better mother to my normal children! When I think I have it bad, I remember that you carried on and triumphed when I would have curled up and cried.

 

My hat goes off to you.

 

Lara

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Great news.

 

May I share you post with a friend via email who has an 8 year old daughter with RAD? She is a homeschooling mom of 8 but not on any forums.

 

 

of course! And if she'd like to contact me, I can give you my email in a PM.

 

Honestly, my RAD support groups and forums carried me through when I truly didn't think I could carry on. If she's interested, I could give her a few names. But they're not easy. It can be downright scary to read some days. But nobody can empathize and encourage like another RAD parent.

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Rose, it is harder once the kids get older, as in teens, but there is still hope! If you want to join one of these groups, please PM me. One of them has a dad who raised six kids, two with RAD, some with FAS. He has been a great resource. I'm sorry things are tough for you. I think about you many times and hope things are going well. Don't lose hope. Many kids start to do well when they are faced with the real world and truly do realize all their parents did for them. They realize they had it good. They take ownership of what they did, they try harder. But initially between the ages of 18 - _____ it is very hard. If you never need to vent, if you need support, I can give you my email because I don't come around here much these days. But I miss so many of you here!

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I'm so glad things are improving, Denise!

 

I've heard of the site you linked but have never participated in any of their retreats/programs. At least until we've been relatively fortunate to have not had to deal with RAD on top of everything else. We're praying we will be as fortunate with our four year old but her situation is much different than what we've dealt with before and I'm afraid that this may get much more ugly before she really starts to heal.

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I am the director of Beyond Trauma and Attachment, the website you posted about (www.momsfindhealing.com). I wanted to thank you for helping us promote our support organization. Often times we are so isolated parenting children from such intense trauma. We hear time and time again that our retreat has changed lives and saved families. We would love to have you join us next year at our retreat. We begin registration May 1st. We fill up fast.

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