Joanne Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 In another thread, you shared: :grouphug: My MIL was deserted by my FIL for 12 years. Not divorced, he just up and left. He came back when something devastating happened to the family, to circle the wagons. 4 years after his return, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer, and his care was left to my MIL. At first she resented it, and to say it was unfair was an understatement. But she did it because she knew it was the right thing to do and let me tell you, she took care of him better than anyone could have. He really didn't deserve her, to tell the truth, and she didn't deserve what happened, either, but she has been truly blessed by her selflessness. So, :grouphug: OMG. I am crying. I'm not sure if it's because I needed to hear this, or I hate to hear this. I feel like I am in a defining moment in my life; this post means so much to me. Thank you, I think. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Joanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MyLittleWonders Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 :grouphug: Joanne Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Oh, Joanne, I'm sorry. You are such a good person. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Wow, amazing post. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Oh, Joanne, I'm sorry. You are such a good person. I don't know about that. But I do know I realized something VERY BIG tonight. I just spoke with my husband about it. All those hospital trips, the stays in the nursing home? He did not feel loved by me (or the kids) during them. He's mentioned it a lot lately. It made me MAD AS HELL. Seriously, burning, resentful mad. Because I feel like I was doing everything I could to hold his family together and he wanted me to sit with him? I have 2-3 jobs and 3 kids, and a home and bills........... He didn't feel loved. But I WAS speaking care and love. I was speaking it in my language. I still *am*. His love languages are affection and quality time. Me? Eh. I could go weeks living in the same house, never talking or hugging and be perfectly fine if you simply do the laundry and have a clean towel for me once a week. So, I was, metaphorically, "loving" him; but in MY language. He wasn't hearing me because I was speaking Joanne, not Adrian. So, tonight I apologized that he felt unloved and uncared for. I did explain that it was not my intention or heart to abandon him. If I were in the hospital, I really, really, really would be fine if he didn't visit often (he heard the words, but I don't think he can understand that.) Life is so confusing. I'm nearly 50 and I feel as lost as I did when I was 20. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Joanne, you're doing everything you can, and a lot more than most people would do. A WHOLE LOT MORE. Whatever you do, don't let anyone try to make you feel guilty. I can understand Adrian's POV, but it's not like you're a stay-at-home mom with nothing else to do but spend time with him. You're doing the work of two parents and trying to support your family and pay all of the huge bills on your own. That is a huge responsibility, and while I truly do sympathize with Adrian because I'm sure he's feeling like his life is incredibly unfair (and it is,) you didn't exactly expect any of this to happen, either. I wish things could be so much different for both of you. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
milovany Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 You're a very brave person, Joann. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reflections Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 I don't know about that. I do. How many times on this board have you taken the time to help lift someone up or point them in the right direction. How many people on here have your cell phone # because you are worried about them? Plus all the other IRL stuff you do for clients, strangers, family, kids and...husband. Don't second guess yourself, what you do counts - do what you can. Let that be enough. It is your love language. Your dh sounds like he is feeling sorry for himself. And still isn't thinking that clearly. BUT I'd be P'oed just like you! You've got a right to be mad, and I hope you tell him. Sick or not he needs to realize that you are doing an outstanding job - all by yourself. I wish I could have you over for cake and coffee! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Liz CA Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 What justamouse posted illustrates once again how blessed we are when we put aside our own selfish motives and act out of unselfishness. It bestows unique blessings on the giver regardless of how unfair it all seems. I wish I could remember this more often. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joanne Posted March 17, 2013 Author Share Posted March 17, 2013 [/size] I do. How many times on this board have you taken the time to help lift someone up or point them in the right direction. How many people on here have your cell phone # because you are worried about them? Plus all the other IRL stuff you do for clients, strangers, family, kids and...husband. Don't second guess yourself, what you do counts - do what you can. Let that be enough. It is your love language. Your dh sounds like he is feeling sorry for himself. And still isn't thinking that clearly. BUT I'd be P'oed just like you! You've got a right to be mad, and I hope you tell him. Sick or not he needs to realize that you are doing an outstanding job - all by yourself. I wish I could have you over for cake and coffee! You're sweet and encouraging! :) We are in such a unique situation. How do you navigate this? I don't know. He does feel sorry for himself at times. He feels a lot of things. I do know, though, that I missed the mark as his functioning got better. I failed to give back an appropriate level of responsibility and autonomy. He was functioning so poorly for a long, long time. Like my client families, I took over because I had to. When he started functioning better, I didn't readjust. He then felt emasculated. Our dryer died this week. I couldn't easily find the money to replace it (or, for the long term, use a laundry mat!). While I was out permit driving with my dd this a.m, he spotted a few washers or dryers at a church garage sale. We went, and a set was better than our broken ones. It was the end of the sale, and they offered them to us for $50 for BOTH. I paid them $65. :) Adrian spent the day cleaning them up, installing them, fixing the wall behind the dryer where a scared dog chewed through, and finally getting the laundry area operational. Before this week, he built (with help of my oldest) shelves in the garage, organized the garage, and set up a "teen space." He's able to do more, but I've been here resenting EVERYTHING I've done solo. Regardless, we are still "sending" him to North Carolina to see 2 of his 4 sons and their kids. Whether we send him as a move or vacation is TBD. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jhschool Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Joanne, I think you are a brave woman. And an awesome one. I think you are good and unselfish. I do admire you and Julie so much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dolphin Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 Joanne, the reality is even if your love language was the same as Adrian's, you would still not be able to communicate. You can't cut back on work. Someone has to check up on your dc sometime. You've done everything to make sure he's safe. If I worked 3 jobs I don't know if I'd be ble to even do that. He's lonely, feels sorry for himself and because of his cognition issues cannot logically think through the stress you are under. You didn't deserve this situation either, but you are handling it well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mommaduck Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 (((hugs))) Thank you for your willingness to be transparent and share your journey. It benefits us all when others do that. My parents had a bad marriage with no emotional connection, my mom threatening to leave my dad for years on end ,and my dad being disengaged from her (and my brother and me). Because of their differences in personality and life outlook, they failed to appreciate the beauty in each other. They missed the gifts. Then my mom had a stroke when they had limped along in such a fashion for 40 years. My dad lovingly and tirelessly cared for her in their home, changing her diapers and feeding her, setting his alarm and getting up in the middle of the night to check on her and change her diaper. It was beautiful to watch. She passed away at home three and a half years after her stroke. I like to say that my dad was the wrong man for her during the first 40 years of their marriage, but he was the right one for the last three years, which made all the difference. Their relationship was redeemed. Things were healed in them which predated their marriage. I am still amazed at what transpired in both of them and in the rest of us during this time. The gifts are there for you, Adrian and your children. Peace as you journey. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 double post Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HRAAB Posted March 17, 2013 Share Posted March 17, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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