Jump to content

Menu

A tween/teen girl dynamics question. WWYD?


ILiveInFlipFlops
 Share

Recommended Posts

Let's say you have a group of girls who have known each other for years. As they've grown up, one of the girls has not matured quite as much as the others have, and the other girls (all but one) don't really love having her around because she's a little out of control and has gotten a bit of negative reputation, but she's a good kid at heart. Now, the girl who's friends with everyone wants to have a sleepover, which has been done before with no incidents, and wants to have all her friends there. Her mom is worried that given the dynamics of this situation, inviting everyone might create a scenario where this girl becomes the sleepover target, or gets actively excluded, or... You know how girls can be. But leaving just this one girl out of the party would be a slight to the girl's mom, a long-time friend of the family, and to the girl, who would be sure to hear of it.

 

WWYD? Assume that the party has to happen and can't be canceled. And assume that the party mom is very sad because she really had hoped these days would somehow, magically, not come :(

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I would invite everyone and brief my kids to within an inch of their lives that if anyone is teased or left out of anything - everyone leaves right that second. If my dd is hosting a sleepover, friend, whatever - those attending are her guests and should be treated as such. Each one, regardless of their 'cool' factor. As the hostess she is responsible for making ever person feel welcome and special. In our house "it's not about you" is a common refrain.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It's a difficult call. If the girl having the party wants to sever all contact with the immature girl and her mother...this would be the way to do it. If not, then she needs to set down some ground rules about how everyone will behave at the slumber party and hold them to it. If it's come to a point where the immature girl's behavior is really inappropriate, annoying, or over the top, then maybe the time to part ways has come. Sometimes kids outgrow friendships and it's not fair to FORCE them to associate with someone they don't like being around. Usually my rule has been, "it's your party, you're allowed to invite whomever you choose." Yes, it will be hard on the girl who's left out, but maybe this is the wake-up call she needs. Sometimes kids just need to be called on their behavior...especially if it's not age appropriate or it's offensive.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Invite them all, plan activities ahead of time and referee. There is no excuse for being mean. Best in my opinion is to send them home at 11 or 12 before everyone is too tired to cope.

 

 

:iagree:

 

Supervision is critical.

 

Realistically, though, the guest list should be determined by the girl having the party, and she shouldn't feel obligated to invite a certain girl just because her mom is friends with the other girl's mom. In this case, though, it sounds like the Party Girl still likes the "other girl," so she should invite her to the party.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If the party girl wants to invite her, then she should! Supervision is crucial, and maybe the party should be changed to an evening only event (not all night, when it would also be harder to supervise). I do know that middle school age is often when those early friendships change directions.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If the girl throwing the sleepover wants to invite the girl, go for it. I'd be more inclined to encourage the friendship with the 'less mature' girl than the girls who would exclude or tease a guest. That doesn't sound very mature at all. My adult friends don't treat each other that way.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am torn on this. I remember one sleepover where we weren't all on the same maturity level. It was hard on the group, the mom, and eventually the friendships of all involved(kids and parents). What if the girl had matured before the others?

 

I think your kid gets to choose. And if she doesn't want the person there she doesn't. You don't owe any explanation to anyone. If the mom asks about it be honest and tell her.

 

My dd wanted a sleepover at age 8. We had a small place and I thought a small group would be best. She had a diverse group of friends. In lots of ways, not just ages. One gal has a younger sister that is part of the deal. So I said 3 kids max. And they needed to know each other in some way. Which excluded this gal and her sister. Her mom was one of my best friends. And it was hard to see how my daughter chose the girls. She would have asked them to come if I had allowed more room but it would have been awkward for them b/c the other girls were LOUD and often take charge kids. I couldn't see this other friend fitting in well with the group she was hoping to invite. I didn't want her friend and sister to be in that spot so I was honest with the mom and we did dessert together another day at a playdate. I felt bad but it was the best thing for my dd and her party. I couldn't sit and referee all the time you know?

 

Let her decide, be honest if asked that she chose, and know that it will change. Again and again.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My daughter does want all her friends there and doesn't want to exclude anyone. Thankfully, she's of the "Can't we all just get along?" mindset. I'm more worried about feeling like I'm knowingly putting kids with dynamics issues in the same room all night together. I THINK the other girls are mature enough to handle themselves well, but you never know. And the girl whose behavior is a concern...I do know firsthand that some of the girls' issues with her are valid ones.

 

Ugh, what a minefield. I'm feeling like my IRL adult relationships are just as tricky these days. Why are girls/women like this? I was a loner in high school and I purposely avoided these kinds of situations and people. I hate that I'm in the middle of all of it now.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My daughter does want all her friends there and doesn't want to exclude anyone. Thankfully, she's of the "Can't we all just get along?" mindset. I'm more worried about feeling like I'm knowingly putting kids with dynamics issues in the same room all night together. I THINK the other girls are mature enough to handle themselves well, but you never know. And the girl whose behavior is a concern...I do know firsthand that some of the girls' issues with her are valid ones.

 

Ugh, what a minefield. I'm feeling like my IRL adult relationships are just as tricky these days. Why are girls/women like this? I was a loner in high school and I purposely avoided these kinds of situations and people. I hate that I'm in the middle of all of it now.

Welcome to middle school girl friendships...where you're loved one week and hated the next. It's a roller coaster and there will be tears, drama, ugly texts, eye rolling, snotty remarks, etc., etc., etc. My dd is also the non-drama type, but honestly...it's pretty unavoidable. High school is even more fun, because there are boys in the equation. Hang on...it's quite a ride!!!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Welcome to middle school girl friendships...where you're loved one week and hated the next. It's a roller coaster and there will be tears, drama, ugly texts, eye rolling, snotty remarks, etc., etc., etc. My dd is also the non-drama type, but honestly...it's pretty unavoidable. High school is even more fun, because there are boys in the equation. Hang on...it's quite a ride!!!

 

 

Yeah, this is what I'm told. My oldest is very drama-averse, but her friends aren't, and my youngest...she'll be in the thick of it, I'm afraid. I just had a conversation with her tonight about how we should treat our friends, be upfront with them, don't talk behind their backs, etc. She said, "Yeah, [DD10] just told me the same thing when I had my problem with [neighbor girl]." Maybe if oldest and I keep talking to her about it for the next three years, it will have sunk in by the time the tween years arrive!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...