Jump to content

Menu

Any regrets with repeating a grade or holding a child back?


Recommended Posts

Guest Tryhard

Hello. New to site. Strongly considering having my 8th grader do another year of 8th grade. He will be transferring from public to Catholic school. It was always the plan to go to Catholic High School. This year we really think he is not ready. Does fairly well but struggles with algebra and requires lots of assistance at home in all subjects. He is very driven but is having difficulty keeping up. Will ace a test and struggle with the next etc. He was 9 1/2 weeks early and a twin brother who is on autistic spectrum with severe learning and behavioral issues. Has made remarkable gains from early intervention to mainstream classes, plays baseball and is a gifted singer. He was evaluated by an endocrinologist and was told he is a year behind in his growth. He has friends but is very shy and immature. He has an IEP for ADD ( in attention) and gets extended time on tests. We think another year would benefit him academically. If he moves ahead I feel it will continue o be a struggle with tutors and assistance. Wants to pursue performing arts and another year would help build his resume. ( has perfect pitch, ranked #1 soloist in two honors choruses). I can think of lots of pros. It is just that he is upset. Feels failure, embarrassed. We have told him that he is being promoted this is something we are choosing for his benefit. It has been a tough road. I think he is coming around. Just looking for advice and success stories of this gift of time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

DS #1 has an early fall bday right on the school enrollment cut off. We enrolled him in K at the ps when he was on the older side. We started hsing midway through grade 1. DS had pronounced LD issues in the early grades. Throughout elementary and middle school years, I was glad he was on the older side for his grade because he was perpetually behind academically.

 

This year he started public high school full time for grade 10. He has grown so much in the past two years and he now seems more like he should be a Jr., especially academically. He will start taking physics and computer science classes at our local University next year (when he is officially a Jr.) By the time he is a Sr in high school, he plans on taking 3 or 4 classes (per semester) at the U and no longer going to the high school. We have discussed graduating high school a year early and going directly to our state U, but he wants the chance to apply to selective colleges. He doesn't want to apply to them as a Junior. I think he would be prepared for a local University full time by his Senior year, but I could not see him going off to an out of state U at that time mainly because he is absent minded. I suspect he would find so much independence overwhelming(making sure he has clean laundry, food, able to schedule his own classes, navigating public transportation, being able to deal with emergencies etc.).

 

My other son has a June bday and as such is a bit on the younger end for his grade. He has done extremely well in his 9th grade classes at the ps and is definitely ready for his grade level expectation and beyond (hew will also take a Univ class in comp sci his Jr year and probably another 1/semester his Sr year) The one issue we have now is that older son is suddenly much more advanced than my younger son and younger son ends up feeling overshadowed by his big brother. He knows big brother is almost 2 years older than him, but it is still frustrating since he is only one school year ahead but 2 years ahead in math class, for example.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 1 year later...
Guest FlunkingIsNoFun

I can't speak for any of the parents, as you know your child better than anyone. But one thing I would caution, if your child has low self-esteem already, please think long and hard before you decide to hold your child back. I was held back in 1st grade, and it was a pretty devastating experience. Almost on par with loosing a parent. Just imagine that everyone at your job got a promotion except you. Then at the yearly company parties, they rub it in your face and made fun of you because you didn't get promoted. Or maybe they simply kept asking why you didn't get promoted, and you had to come up with an excuse that wouldn't further erode your self-esteem by bring to light your inadequacies when trying to answer them. Then, multiply that times 12 years.   That's what being held back felt like during grades 1-12. Seeing all my friends move forward, while I stayed behind had a lasting affect on me. It made me feel like I was never smart enough to keep up with my peers.  I remember sometimes dreaming that I was in the 2nd grade with them, and being so happy that I caught up, only to rudely awake and realize that I was still in first grade while they all moved on to 2nd.  Then it was on to 2nd grade for me, while everyone else moved on to 3rd, so on and so forth...always lagging behind,...always one step behind.  

I always had extreme anxiety and stress growing up as a kid, especially when we would visit or have parties or get-togethers with my parents friends and their kids. I always remember having to explain or defend myself or make up lame excuses as to why I was held back, just to save face in front of family friends and other kids that would ask or make fun of me.  I always resented how other parents would brag about their kid's accomplishments in school, while my parents had nothing to brag about.  Sometimes I would feel that I let my parents down, I let myself down.  I just remembered being a stressed-out little kid growing up, always fighting to defend myself from the barbs of being called or perceived as stupid, dumb or slow, but it usually never worked.  Basically, everybody new me as the dumb kid who flunked first grade.  I got over most of it; but I'm not gonna lie, it wasn't easy.  At times, I still do struggle with self esteem and self confidence issues to this day.

I'm not saying all children will go through what I went through if they are held back, but just be careful and make sure your child has a healthy self-esteem before you do decide to hold them back. When councilors or teachers say "your child is only 5, they'll forget and get over it. They're too young to know what's going on." Do not believe them. I'm 40 years old. I knew and understood what being held back meant when I was 5,  I'm still not 100% over it, and I remember it as if it happened yesterday.

Please, as a parent, if you take away anything from this post, do everything in your power to boost your childs self esteem at an early age. Because self-confidence is much harder to build when you're older. If I had a choice between raising a child to be over-confident and cocky vs one who had no self esteem, I would choose the former. A cocky child can always pick themselves up when they fall and with time, they will be humbled. A child who falls with no self esteem may not be able to pick themselves back up. Promoting self-esteem, and self confidence in your child is the greatest gift you can ever give them as a parent.  The gift of loving yourself. Please be very careful and talk to them before you do decide to hold them back.
-Mo

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I have been told by more than one school head, that while they have never had a parent regret holding a child back, they have had many who regret NOT holding a child back.

 

We are holding back DD12. She has an August birthday as well. All of her extracurriculars (like soccer) have an age cut off of late July, so she is consistently with children close to her age, but a grade lower than her "actual grade level".

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This is an old thread. I assume the original poster has figured things out?

 

But as far as homeschooling goes, there's never a reason to hold a kid back. You just do what academics are appropriate. And when entrance to high school or college comes around, you assess then what they need to do.

 

An extra year of high school is no big deal at all. It's what we did for two kids. They both had more time in high school to do the things they wanted to do before getting really busy with college. They both could have done fine academically in college if they'd entered at the "right" time -- but they ended up entering with more academic background in science and math so they weren't struggling as much as most kids do.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I know this is an old thread but I'm reading it and thinking hard. Ds is the day before our local cut-off, however our cut-off is an early one. Honestly, I've never been sure what to call him. I started him with light schooling when he made cut-off for k but it was obvious he wasn't ready at that time. As he has aged he has got to the point that he is on par with his age mates and a bit ahead with his classmates so I've questioned if I should consider him the advanced grade or not. At church and scouts he is considered the lower grade but once he gets to Boy Scout level that won't matter and at church it was only a consideration the year of First Communion. So, his friends are generally in the lower grade.

 

He knows that he is considered in between grades. I'm hoping it becomes clear by the time of highschool what to do. It seems good to be older and doing better for your age than younger and doing just ok plus with his attention and memory issues having an extra year could be a good as well. As I've mentioned previously dh wishes that he had been held back before starting school, he had a spring birthday, so that certainly weighs on my mind as well. Dh was a late bloomer and him and ds are very similar.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

If you held a child back a year, or had them repeat a grade, did you ever regret it during the high school or college years? My ds11 is young for his grade. He has an August 30th birthday and started kindergarten when he was not quite 5. He was academically ready at the time, and we were homeschooling, so we didn't see a reason to wait. Now that he is finishing 6th grade, he is still doing okay academically, but is socially immature and physically small for his age. And looking ahead, we are questioning the wisdom of sending him to college at not-quite-18. We feel he could benefit from an additional year at home, both academically and in terms of social/emotional development, and believe we should add that year in during middle school, not high school.

 

So, if you did something similar with your child, did you regret it during the high school or college years? Right now I can't see a downside to giving him one more year at home.

 

I did this with dd.  She has a Dec. birthday, and we started 1st when she was 5.  When she was finishing up 5th, I just couldn't imagine her a middle schooler already - again, not so much with the academics, but with maturity.  And maybe a little on the academics with the maturity part of it - areas like trying her best even in areas she wasn't fond of, like writing, or showing her work in math to avoid sloppy errors. 

 

So I reported her for 5th a second time.  I did not have her repeat anything - I just moved on to the exact same stuff as if I'd reported her for 6th.  That's why she's in Geometry this year in 8th - it would have been 9th.  Virtually all of the stuff she's doing this year could be 9th grade work, if her output is up to that level.  She did get a bit cranky this year that she felt I'd 'held her back'.  So I told her that if she does 9th grade work across the board this year, and continues on from there, I could just graduate her a year early (I don't really see this happening, but it did put the ball in her court).  Another option is if she manages to test in, there's a math/science school that's just 11th and 12th grades, and the 12th grade is actually a freshman year of college (on campus and everything).  So she's still got a way to 'make up' that time if she wants, but if she doesn't, that's perfectly fine. She would still rather have me read texts to her than read them carefully herself and take notes (something we're going to concentrate on this year), so I'm rather happy to have the breathing room...

 

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dual enrollment is a great way to extend high school years without it seeming like a punishment. We considered extending dd's high school for 5 years so she could finish an AA degree, but are waiting til we get closer to the end of her senior year to make a decision.  She's bright but not particularly adventurous about leaving the nest, so I've put it out there as an option if she's not ready to go away to college.

 

Honestly? I think some kids will feel held back and some will be grateful for the extra year of childhood. It really depends on your child.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dual enrollment is a great way to extend high school years without it seeming like a punishment. We considered extending dd's high school for 5 years so she could finish an AA degree, but are waiting til we get closer to the end of her senior year to make a decision.  She's bright but not particularly adventurous about leaving the nest, so I've put it out there as an option if she's not ready to go away to college.

 

Honestly? I think some kids will feel held back and some will be grateful for the extra year of childhood. It really depends on your child.

 

Be cautious. Five years of high school can take you out of the running for some college financial aid.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

We adjusted grades for dd in 5th.  She was/is a very bright child always working a year or two ahead.  However, she has lot of health problems, is/was very tiny and struggled socially with the older girls because they always saw her as a baby.  Even older dd's friends who were only 11-13 months older treated her like she was lots, lots younger. (she was only 4'5 and 66 lbs at 11yrs)  Only reason we  had her in higher grade to start with is when young she wasn't always nice to other kids who couldn't read yet, or understand what she wanted to talk about.  She ended up in PICUfor first 35 days of school year in 5th grade and really missing out on about 7 months of the school year, couldn't even get much done at home so she decided this was the time to adjust.  She didn't want to move on to middle school church activities, etc.  She still works ahead of grade level just socially she is with her age peers now and finally making some good friends. (the medication she is now on has actually let her body have the energy to grow as well so she isn't as tiny anymore and looks similar age to peers as well which helps though behind most in that she has barely entered puberty).

 

Really just depends on the child and situation I'd say.  My younger brother repeated 6th grade due to all our moving and differing school entry dates.  He was always the smallest and youngest in his class but where we lived in 6th grade he was more than a year younger than his classmates.  He helped make the decision, my parents wouldn't have done it without his agreement.  Now he says it was fine.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Five years of high school can take you out of the running for some college financial aid.

 

Just to expand on why elladarcy gives this caution:

 

This really depends on the college, so it does help if you have an idea of a list of colleges your student might attend way back at the start of a 5-year high school journey, so you can know what their policies are, which helps you know how to plan accordingly about doing dual enrollment in the last year(s) of high school.

 

Some colleges limit the number of college credits (say, 23 credits, or even as few as 12 credits) that an incoming student can have and still be considered a freshman. Students with more than the college's maximum are then considered transfer students, not freshmen. And while there still are some scholarships awarded to transfer students, the lion's share of scholarships -- esp. the renewable 4-year scholarships -- are awarded to freshmen.

 

That means you have to weigh the financial pros and cons for schools that limit number of credits for freshman status: does the cost saving of shaving off 1-2 years of a 4-year university degree outweigh whatever 4-year scholarship the student might have received by only having a limited number of credits and starting as a freshman?

 

However… you also have to keep in mind that fewer large 4-year scholarships are being awarded these days as colleges are in a financial crunch. Also, some of those renewable scholarships have steep requirements (must take minimum of 15 credits and keep a 3.2, or even 3.5, GPA each semester, for example), which becomes increasingly difficult for students as they start taking the more rigorous upper division classes.

 

Realistically, many students are unable to keep up the requirements, and lose their scholarships after the freshman year, and are forced into some tough financial decisions about whether to continue with the school or not. And the further into a program a student is, the fewer credits will transfer to other universities if the student decides to transfer to a school that allows them to live at home, or has a cheaper tuition -- meaning additional semesters of college to pay for. A few scholarships even require the student to pay BACK money for the semester/year that they did not keep up the requirements.

 

It is also important to note that ALL credits from dual enrollment DO show up on the transcript, as you are required to provide not only your homeschool transcript, but a transcript from all schools attended by the student, which includes the community college or university where the student took dual enrollment courses. There is no "picking and choosing" and only showing a few courses on your personal transcript to limit the number of college credits. You will be noting on your transcript which credits were dual enrollment and from which school, and so you also need to pay for the school where the dual enrollment was earned to send an official transcript directly to the admission office of the 4-year university.

 

 

Another thing to note is that colleges typically only want to see the last 4 years of high school classes on the transcript. If you are doing 5 years of high school, in order to include that first year of the five years on the transcript, you include a "pre-high school" section, listing the high school level courses completed, and amount of credit earned, but without the grade (so, those classes are not included in the GPA).

 

Typically you would just include things like Math (Algebra 1 and above), Science (Biology and above), and Foreign Language. Credits such as English, Social Studies, Fine Arts, and Electives would not be included -- except, perhaps, in the case of year 1 or level 1 of a musical instrument or Computer Programming, etc., and the student took the next more advanced levels in the later years of high school.

 

 

Hope that helps clarify the potential college financial aid issues for those following a 5-year high school plan. :) Warmest regards, Lori D.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

I'd be really careful holding back once you've let them start early.  I was homeschooled and was held back in 6th grade, after being put in early-ish for Kindergarden.  (August birthday.)  FlunkingIsNoFun is correct in that the problem is not so much convincing your student that he or she is not stupid as it is convincing every other kid your child will come across not to look at them funny.  Kids weren't mean about it, but everything is done by age and grade and *everyone* asked.  All fall I dreaded the "how old are you?" quiery till spring when my grademates turned 16... 17... 18 too.

I don't remember having a major problem with the idea of a repeat year when my mother proposed it.  I think I was too stressed about not being able to finish my math book on schedule.  But I also don't remember being involved in the conversation.  While grades and school are over, still, in my 20s, I firmly believe that - at the very least - I failed the expectations my parents had when they put me in Kindergarden early.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This topic caught my attention because we have THREE kids who were "held back" and will be quite a bit older when they graduate.  A little different scenario, as ours were adopted as older children with no English, and we have considerable catching up to do, plus a mix of some pretty serious learning disabilities.  I will have all three graduating high school at 20 or 21 years old, but it will be with a true and complete high school education, which would not have been possible had we tried to push things through.  
 

Our kids "get it", and are quite glad after many conversations about this issue, that we didn't pretend they were mature enough, or were going to be academically prepared had we graduated them "on time".  We thought about the whole gap year possibility, but it didn't make sense because we will be working on several key subjects late in the game.  Additionally, we are home, and it just made no sense whatsoever to have to pretend.

 

Our kids are now 15 and 16, and truly could care less that they are 8th and 7th graders.  They can easily see they are on target, and are pleased with ongoing progress.  They will be more mature at graduation, and we talk openly about living together as real adults while still doing high school, so we provide opportunities for more control over their lives in other aspects.  We just haven't had a single issue over it yet, and I doubt we ever will...our kids are too logical not to see the wisdom of it. (Guess some of that logic work has finally kicked in!)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

This topic caught my attention because we have THREE kids who were "held back" and will be quite a bit older when they graduate. A little different scenario, as ours were adopted as older children with no English, and we have considerable catching up to do, plus a mix of some pretty serious learning disabilities. I will have all three graduating high school at 20 or 21 years old, but it will be with a true and complete high school education, which would not have been possible had we tried to push things through.

 

Our kids "get it", and are quite glad after many conversations about this issue, that we didn't pretend they were mature enough, or were going to be academically prepared had we graduated them "on time". We thought about the whole gap year possibility, but it didn't make sense because we will be working on several key subjects late in the game. Additionally, we are home, and it just made no sense whatsoever to have to pretend.

 

Our kids are now 15 and 16, and truly could care less that they are 8th and 7th graders. They can easily see they are on target, and are pleased with ongoing progress. They will be more mature at graduation, and we talk openly about living together as real adults while still doing high school, so we provide opportunities for more control over their lives in other aspects. We just haven't had a single issue over it yet, and I doubt we ever will...our kids are too logical not to see the wisdom of it. (Guess some of that logic work has finally kicked in!)

Are they being held back due to English ability, or learning challenges? Were they on target in their native language? Oh, I see you said severe, so probably not on target for native language either.

 

I held back my dd in 4th, but this year placed her back in her age grade this year. She had caught up and is doing critical thinking level in everything except math. I couldn't see holding her back in everything else because of math. If it was across the board behind, I would have kept her a grade behind.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Are they being held back due to English ability, or learning challenges? Were they on target in their native language? Oh, I see you said severe, so probably not on target for native language either.

 

I held back my dd in 4th, but this year placed her back in her age grade this year. She had caught up and is doing critical thinking level in everything except math. I couldn't see holding her back in everything else because of math. If it was across the board behind, I would have kept her a grade behind.

 

Our three are being held back to allow time for foundational knowledge in just about everything to be developed.  For example, our daughters came home at ages 10 and 11 years old, (almost 12), and didn't realize you couldn't drive a car across the ocean to come home, didn't know they lived in planet Earth, thought mermaids were real, and so much more.  They were SO confused over things!  They are bright, bright kids as is evidenced now almost 5 years down the road, but their deficits went well beyond language acquisition and it quickly became apparent that we had a lot of developmental work to do in order for them to ever function normally in the real world, and for that work to be done we needed time.  Logic has been incredibly challenging to work with, and for at least 2 full years I was constantly asked if certain things on TV were really real or were fiction , or representations of fictional stories.  Cause and effect thinking was vaguely there but needed serious work, and the best way to describe it was that they couldn't connect information learned in one setting to another setting or situation.  With lots of dedicated critical thinking work we have made incredible progress and they will be quite astute eventually.

 

Kids from orphanage backgrounds are not "normal", even if at times some of them seem to be on par academically.  If you are institutionalized your entire life, you have not had normative experiences, and there are a ton of blanks to fill in.  Our kids had only been in a store a couple of times their entire life, our son adopted at 8 years old had never turned on a light switch or controlled his own environment in any way.  None of them understood much about foods, couldn't identify where any food products were stored...does it go in the fridge or cupboard?  They had no idea what kind of meat they were eating, or that dairy products all come from a cow.  This was a pre-teens...our need to cover basic ground was overwhelming at first, so we needed to start back at the beginning, basically a Kinder level, and discover where the holes were, and then fill them.  Thankfully, they understood that need, never fought it, and have the best attitude of any students ever.

 

Our son has as-yet not well defined learning disabilities stemming from possible suspected traumatic brain injury that  may be complicated by Fetal Alcohol Syndrome or Effect...not even sure alcohol was involved, and it mimics things sometimes but when looked at globally seems unlikely.  He is also incredibly bright but that was only obvious once he was taught in ways that his brain could take in information.  Homeschooling is an absolute must for him, as a classroom setting will never work, as explained to us by several puzzled specialists.  Kenny has an uphill battle all the way, and yet he is succeeding well above expectations and surprising everyone!  Homeschooling saved that kid.

 

None of the three adopted at older ages were at grade level in their native languages.  Orphanage educations are...well...lacking.  Let's leave it at that.  Our daughter adopted at 10 had only a year and a half of school, couldn't read or write in Russian, and yet now writes so well in English that it would be impossible to tell she is a non-native speaker.  This was not about intelligence, but lack of experiences and exposure to material and appropriate teaching.

 

Interestingly, our two sons who came home as infants (each 11 months old) both tested by the school district and were classified as gifted.  One is also quite hampered by Dysgraphia that was never tested for until he tested as gifted, then his writing ability did NOT match his obvious intellect, and they finally agreed with me that something was seriously wrong.

 

Needless to say, our life has been filled with surprises...and lots and lots of joy!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

 Share

×
×
  • Create New...