Why do we always worry that our kids are behind??

[Megicce]

I've noticed as I'm reading the posts how many of us are worried that our dc are behind in some subject or another (me included!). It made me wonder why our expectations are so crazy. I notice this even amongst non-hsing preschool mamas - it's like culturally we have this paranoid obsession over not letting our kids get "behind" even in preschool or K. Where did this come from???

 

Our church meets in a school, and I was looking this last Sunday at some of the accomplishments posted on the wall for the different grade levels. The Kindergarten team was celebrating because 61% of the kids could recognize MOST of their uppercase and lowercase letters at this point in the year. I suppose that should make me feel better. :-)

[....]

Yeah, it is really bizarre. Our culture is becoming very hyper-competitive and I think it ends up having the opposite effect on kids. I've been reading several books that talk about this - Living Simply with Children and Simplicity Parenting. Simplicity Parenting especially talks about this topic. Kim Payne is an adolescent counselor/therapist (and that ends up being a big focus of his intro to the book). I think the constant pushing and micromanaging kills their creativity/problem-solving skills.

I don't worry about my kids being behind academically anymore, but it's something that really bothered me when we first started homeschooling. I think we're going into our 5th year now...so I can see how my kids are fairly normal after all this homeschooling. :tongue_smilie:

 

We're also having a hard time lately with outside activities - especially sports. I have tweens and I've seen several instances *cringing* where parents were screaming at their kids for poor performance - and it was obvious the kid hated the sport and didn't want to be there. Also, our neighbors just moved to the US from another country...put their 7 yro son in baseball and quickly pulled him out. The dad said that the PARENTS were acting up so much during the games that they didn't want any part of it. He said the parents were booing the batters, etc. :crying: Sheesh, People.

[dontknow]

I agree and we fit that label from the standpoint of wondering / curious of wanting to know where our child is at and want to be sure she doesn't fall behind. Part of it is because my wife is a teacher and has seen firsthand for the last 15+ years numerous kids who struggle each moment of every day to keep up and many unfortunately have little to no home support to help out. The other part of it is I was a struggler most of all my school years and know how it feels.

 

On the other hand, we don't concern ourselves about keeping up many of the outside activities. She currently does one sport and is content with the one day / one hour a week that consumes.

 

ETA... We are not homeschoolers. Actually, I didn't know this site was really focused on that. I'm finding this site to be great though none-the-less.

[kiwik]

There are a lot of people here aren't home schoolers. Some used to be, some want to be, some afterschool, some just like the ideas.

[8filltheheart]

I don't know if you want encouragement or commiseration. ;)

 

I can't give you the latter b/c I am do not teach pre-school academics. K is very light and fun in our house.

 

However, if you want the former, I can share that I have kids with a wide range of abilities--everything from avg to extremely advanced. None of them did pre-school. All of my school-age up kids are academically strong. Our path does not resemble ps education at all. In addition to academics, my kids know how to think independently and solve creatively (all encouraged throughout their lives starting with lots and lots of play time when they are little.)

 

So, if someone who has a 4 yr old and judges homeschool success by high "academic" achievement in 4 yr olds, they would skewer my homeschool b/c my kids basically have NONE. :) But, I judge academic achievement differently. My older kids are thriving and academically strong, so it is a path that works for our family.

 

ETA: FWIW, my extremely advanced kids weren't hampered by starting "real" schoolwork in 1st grade. They simply progressed at their own pace when we got there. :)

[PentecostalMom]

I don't know why people are so competitive and worried about being "behind". I have come to the realization over the years that different children learn at different paces and it's really not that big of a deal. My dc are all different and I love them each the way they are. Some material works with some and not with others. I think it is crazy when I hear people talk about the amount of homework that their public schooled kindergarteners have. I do not understand how a 5yo can be in a classroom setting 6-7 hours a day and cnanot learn everything he or she needs to know. My SIL had to adjust her schedule at work to get home earlier so she could do homework with her K'ers (she has twin boys). Then she wonders why her brother, my dh, suggests that she just homeschool since she wants to stay at home anyway....go figure!

 

I don't compare my kids with anyone else's and it also frustrates me when I hear little ones ask their mama, "What does that say?" and the response is, "You can read, sound it out." Some words are to difficutl to "sound out" and they need a phonics rule they do not know yet, or some encouragement as an emerging reader.....okay off my soapbox now. :)

[shawthorne44]

In my case, I think it boils down to "Am I doing a good job as a parent/teacher?"

 

I remember being almost hysterical with worry that I was failing my daughter when she was about 1.5 years-old. We were at the baby Rhyme Time at the library. I was talking with some of the other mothers, and based on what I said it was obvious that we only went to one of those a week. All the other mothers nearby looked at me like I had 3 heads and said they went to at least three a week. My husband had to talk me down. I was really worried our daughter would struggle because she didn't get exposed to enough patty-cake.

 

Then I remember that girl I read about in Psych101, that was never able to learn grammar because she hadn't heard language before she was rescued from abuse/neglect. So, I worry what small things my daughter might struggle with because I missed some magic development window.

 

So, I read the books. Which are really no help at all.

So, I look around at other kids her age. Not really a help. Well, it does assure me.

Then I got the idea to have my mom look at my baby book to see when I did things. That was amusing, but nothing else.

I really do try to chill though.

[corduroy]

Oh, this kind of worry is so unpleasant! For myself, I think part of that anxiety comes from the speed and intensity of modern American life, which often feels kind of winner-take-all. So if your kid isn't doing Korean and pre-algebra by 7, they might never get a job! (Says your panicked first-time-mama brain.)

 

I've also observed that ladies tend to really take the performance of their children personally in a way that a lot of dads do not - I notice that my husband and his dad friends tell funny stories about their kids, whereas the moms have a lot of conversations with each other about how great their kids are and how they're in the advanced tumbling class or are "very advanced in art" or what have you. And I think this is compounded on the internet, where everyone is showing you a carefully-curated version of themselves.

 

I have found a couple of things helpful in backing off my own perfectionist tendencies:

 

*Ruth Beechick's book The Three R's. (She is very religiously-oriented, but that part is easy to skim if you want. And she has a lot of really helpful things to say about early childhood education. After reading this little book I totally quit any notions I had of formal reading instruction at this stage. I found especially useful her notion that you can either take up the young child's learning energy with learning to read, or with learning about science or the natural world or God or whatever you think is important.)

*Reading about Finland's education system. It really pushes me toward the better-late-than-early camp (to a degree). I am not exactly unschooly, but I think that for a lot of kids, you just don't need to worry about formal academics until six or seven. (I get the impression that this used to be the norm in the US, but that cultural changes have pushed the start date of formal school back more and more, so now we think it's ordinary for five-year-olds to be learning to read, and if yours isn't, he's behind.)

*Reading about Charlotte Mason, Waldorf, and various types of unschooling. None of these are necessarily my bag, but I find it helpful to read about worldviews that discourage very early academics and why.

*Reading books like Nurtureshock and The Good School, which have convinced me pretty soundly that the big jump is between a child raised in a low-stimulus environment and a child raised in a medium-stimulus environment. My good-enough efforts are probably, well, good enough!

[JenniferLynn]

I struggle with this too. It is less feeling competitive with the rest of the population, though I do some admissions work for an Ivy-Type school and what I see with that is always in the back of my mind.

 

My concerns are more about the "windows of opportunity" a pp referred to, and not wanting to miss them. And also being aware of how knowledge and skills build on each other. I have friends and family members who went along fine, fine, fine until some sorting period where they discovered they could not keep up with the reading, writing, or math to pursue the interests and careers they desired.

[freeindeed]

Having a child with significant special needs has completely removed my fear of being behind. She certainly is and always will be, so it has really put things into perspective for me. Each child, special needs or not, should be allowed to learn at a pace that's best for him/ her. I am a firm believer in learning through play for the preschool years.

 

[Guest Szarban]

I've been considering pushing things ahead a little not so much because I'm worried about my DD2.5 falling behind or missing a window, but more because I'm worried about keeping the spark she already has going. She is a voracious little learner, not just absorbing the information presented, but asking questions, trying things out, testing how things work, and making connections between things and taking logical next steps. She has already been showing all of the reading readiness signs for quite a while, and I am afraid that by not forging ahead with some phonics work she may lose her interest in books and reading and it will be even harder to regain that interest and teach her later. She's not only quickly taken to all of the preschool work I've presented to her, but enjoys and asks for it. I'm hoping that we can still keep the informal school style we've been using (a mosh of projects, activities, worksheets, and games) while introducing more and harder content to keep her focus and interest.

 

I haven't really hit the fear of failing my daughter yet, my mom did a wonderful job with my siblings and I on preschool, so I feel equipped enough to follow in her footsteps and handle that much. Only when I think about the future years do I start worrying about whether or not I can provide her with the education she deserves. How am I going to fit all that information into that little bit of time or provide her with all of the resources she needs? Will I be able to pick all the right paths to guide her on? How will I have failed her if she doesn't understand something? From where I am sitting at the bottom of the hill, it seems a mountainous and daunting task and I have my times of doubt where the thought of all this overwhelms me.

[MommaOfalotta]

For me I think the reason I worry about her being "behind" is because I'm doing this myself! :scared:

 

Obviously whether she was in ps or home, I would want her to fulfill her potential, but being home whether she thrives or struggles its *my fault* kwim?

There are so many people (in my case anyway) that dont like us homeschooling. I dont want to give them the satisfaction of seeing me fail at *yet another thing I said I was going to do.* That plus my own desire for her to do well, really piles on the pressure. I feel like half of me is wanting a concrete plan, high test scores, etc and the other half is totally laid back and just wants to enjoy her and take walks in the woods for nature studies lol.

 

Her education is just that.. HER education. It isn't about me, or the negative nancy's that are impossible to please anyway and none of us should even try. Its not about my ps teaching mother that drives me insane. Its not about my friends kids and comparing where they are to mine. This homeschooling life is beautiful. Each child gets an individual education, with special memories made, close family bonds formed, and so many opportunities! Kids will learn at their own pace and we will all be just fine! :)

[ammv15]

I think it just boils down to the fear that they will fall behind and as parents we want our dc to do well academically. The one on one time they get at this age with hs is priceless and I think the more pressure we feel as parents the more hs isn't fun. Once we take the joy out of hs the dc aren't able to thrive in the same way. I think less pressure and knowing how much is too much for our dc goes along way. Less is more at this age. Allow them to develop a love for learning without all the pressure and they will thrive. It seems will all the new standards we set the expectations so high so young that we are often times setting them up for failure.

[Walking-Iris]

I think it just boils down to the fear that they will fall behind and as parents we want our dc to do well academically. The one on one time they get at this age with hs is priceless and I think the more pressure we feel as parents the more hs isn't fun. Once we take the joy out of hs the dc aren't able to thrive in the same way. I think less pressure and knowing how much is too much for our dc goes along way. Less is more at this age. Allow them to develop a love for learning without all the pressure and they will thrive. It seems will all the new standards we set the expectations so high so young that we are often times setting them up for failure.

 

 

I agree. I see people posting all of the time about using books that the publisher has recommended for older ages with preschoolers or Kinders. I understand if one has children who "can" do it. I don't always feel that being able always means you should.

 

I don't see what there is to gain necessarily by having a 4 year old in a 1st grade book. This idea of pushing down into the lower grades certain academics has infected the homeschooling community.

 

I'm pretty 100% positive that my 5 year old could have started 1st grade math this year in K, but we didn't. I'm not advocating holding a child back or boring them, but I feel that there are plenty of areas that a person can challenge a child who seems to want a challenge in more developmentally appropriate ways.

 

Science is my go to. Rather than advancing my children through the 3 r's I would rather have them be on target for their age/grade and to spend that time they would be doing a 1st grade math book exploring their world through nature study and science experiments etc. They are little sponges for science at this age and it will help keep them challenged.

 

Art is another. Life skills is another. Children this age need to move and play and figure out their world and how to get along in it, not necessarily sitting down with a math or spelling workbook. More often than not it's just an exercise in parental bragging rights.

 

I don't worry that my kids are behind, mainly because I have flipped priorities. Some people wait for content and humanities until children are older and just focus on 3 r's at a young age. I like to challenge my young children with art appreciation, science, and lots and lots of read alouds.

 

Learning to read is of number 1 importance of course. It's a foundation for all other learning. But there's no reason I see to move ahead in the math etc books just because you can.

 

I also see no reason to read Ancient history to a 4 year old. Science is much more hands on and accessible to young children.

 

I'm not sure I agree with the other extreme either. Some just want to do nearly nothing with young kids until 1st grade. Just play and read alouds. And that's okay. I however like to do more with young kids than what they would discover on their own. Expanding horizons.

 

I do however like to give young kids plenty of free time. Enrolling and attending every activity and organized event possible seems so stressful and frustrating to me.