How many phone calls is too many?

[Sherri in MI]

I'm asking because just this last week I've had 2 different people call me repeatedly within a 24 to 48 hour period without allowing me a chance to call them back. One called 4 times in 24 hours, another called like 5 times in 36 hours and at odd hours.

 

Neither are emergencies and one is a person I haven't heard from in 30 years & I'm not quite sure I want to reconnect for various reasons, especially given their compulsive phone calling. Stressing me out.

 

How much is too much & what do you think of someone who just keeps calling before you've even had a chance to return the call? We're not talking phone tag here where we keep missing each other. They called & was very busy & didn't have a chance to call them back and they just keep phoning & phoning.

 

When I call someone I wait a couple of days for them to get back to me before I try again (unless I need info or an answer from them.

 

I also have someone in my life who gets mad when, after speaking with them for anywhere from 20 minutes to 2 hours get angry when I want to end the phone call before they do.

 

What do you all think? Am I crazy or do I just have a lot of crazies in my life?

 

I just figure if someone doesn't call me back that they are very busy and will get back to me when they can. And if someone wants to end a phone call with me, I'm okay with that. If there was something more I wanted to discuss I will ask them to call me back when it is convenient.

 

 

ETA: These are personal calls. When I was working I did return work calls same day. They did leave messages & they weren't urgent. I wasn't able to call the acquaintance I barely know back because I was at event all day and all night for a couple of days & was only free late at night. TThe person who's trying to reconnect is a mentally ill distant older relative who I haven't heard from in 30 years & I am uncomfortable with him. I don't know the nature of the mental illness, depression, I think. It seems like more than depression to me though. I think they are not dangerous. Just odd. Almost sounded like a mushy drunk in one of the messages. I haven't seen the guy in 30 years and we were never close.

[Amy in NH]

 

When I call someone I wait a couple of days for them to get back to me before I try again (unless I need info or an answer from them.)

 

 

 

 

It is most professional to return phone calls asap, and definitely by the end of the day. Perhaps it IS an emergency to them. Maybe they really need an answer from you before they can move forward with something.

[Jean in Newcastle]

Did they leave a message? I wouldn't just assume the call wasn't important based on the name that showed up on call waiting. If you know they called you that many times because they left 4 or 5 "I just called to chat" messages then I'd say it was too much. If they didn't leave messages but just called at different times hoping to catch you in and free (and you just know it based on call waiting) then I wouldn't say it was too much.

[nono]

Totally depends on whether it is business or personal. Around here, 48+ hours for personal. 24 hours max for business. I have to tighten those timeframes for my friends and business associates who aren't hanging out at the Coast. They need a quicker turnaround.

[FaithManor]

This is what I use caller ID for. There are a few people in my life, a narci in particular and one 4-H mom who thinks I should be her personal therapist or something, that would destroy every.single.day. if I let them. Plus, I had a roommate from college who later became mentally ill that phone stalked me for a couple of years until we moved. So, again, caller ID and refusing to answer saved me. For the person you do not want to reconnect with, just simply do not take the call.

 

Generally, if it is not a family member or close personal friend who would actually rely on you for an emergency and it isn't a professional acquaintance such as your dentist or investment counselor who have a legitimate reason to get a hold of you, people need to wait 24 hrs. before getting antsy. We all know who in our lives need direct, immediate access to us, and who does not. Sometimes, some people don't have good boundaries and fail to realize that not everyone they know is someone they should have immediate, direct access to at any time.

 

Faith

[Zebra]

You pay the phone bill, you have a right to decide when and if to call someone back. Your phone is not for other people, it's for you.

 

I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I think it's rude to keep calling people unless it's some sort of emergency or you really think for some reason they didn't get the message. And frankly, if it is an emergency and you left a message, really how is calling 50 times going to help? It's also pretty self-centered and shows a lack of boundaries to keep calling and calling. As far as your long lost friend goes, it would send up huge red flags for me.

[fraidycat]

It depends on the person and the nature of the call.

[Dandelion]

For personal, non-emergency calls from people who are not immediate family, I think the call frequencies you mentioned are excessive. I would be annoyed too. I would also not feel compelled to reconnect with someone after 30 years if there are good reasons not to.

 

The general standard for returning calls that I hold myself to (and prefer that others stick to) is 24 hours for business/professional calls and 48 hours for personal calls. However, if others don't call me back in that timeframe I don't start hounding them. I might call back after that timeframe if I need an answer or need to move something forward, but if not, I often let it go much longer.

[Parrothead]

How do you know these are not emergencies?

 

I personally would not leave someone hanging for more than 12 hours unless I was out of town and they were calling on the house phone.

[PrairieSong]

Well I wouldn't call that often, but I would not worry about it. I would call back out of politeness. If it's someone you don't want to have in your life (like that person you haven't seen for thirty years) then you don't have to let them in.

 

[TranquilMind]

Did they leave a message? I wouldn't just assume the call wasn't important based on the name that showed up on call waiting. If you know they called you that many times because they left 4 or 5 "I just called to chat" messages then I'd say it was too much. If they didn't leave messages but just called at different times hoping to catch you in and free (and you just know it based on call waiting) then I wouldn't say it was too much.

 

 

Right. No message? Not important.

 

Leave a message and I will get back to you. I don't like to be blindsided. I want to know what you want, if we haven't talked or I don't know why you are calling.

[TranquilMind]

You pay the phone bill, you have a right to decide when and if to call someone back. Your phone is not for other people, it's for you.

 

I don't know the specifics of your situation, but I think it's rude to keep calling people unless it's some sort of emergency or you really think for some reason they didn't get the message. And frankly, if it is an emergency and you left a message, really how is calling 50 times going to help? It's also pretty self-centered and shows a lack of boundaries to keep calling and calling. As far as your long lost friend goes, it would send up huge red flags for me.

 

 

Exactly. A phone is a tool for MY use. I will call back when and if I decide, but always within commonly accepted time frames (24 hours for business). If I don't call back, I don't want to talk to you.

 

I sound really reclusive! Ha ha

[gardenmom5]

I wouldn't worry about it too much.

I would think you don't have vm, or they're afraid you don't listen to vm. (for years, my kids weren't allowed to answer my phone because I didn't get my messages.) I hate people leaving vms on my cell, becuase I don't check my messages that often. (dh is obsessive - but it's his business line.)

[2squared]

It all depends on your phone habits. I call people when I am waiting for my kids or when I'm driving them around, and I generally don't leave messages since I prefer to talk during my scheduled phone time. Today I called the same numbers each time I was in driving/waiting mode hoping to get a live person. So, no, I wouldn't consider someone calling multiple times in a day rude. If they left messages each time - that would be rude. Otherwise the only reason you know they called more than once is b/c your call waiting kept track. If you didn't have call waiting, you wouldn't know about it, and you wouldn't be bothered.

 

My MIL does annoy me with her frequent calls. She calls our home and leaves a message. Then she calls dh's phone and leaves a message. Then she calls my cell with an-emergency-to-her-but-not-to-us question that only dh can answer. Now that is quite annoying for some reason.

[Impish]

I figure I leave a msg, if I don't hear back in a cpl of days, I'll try again. Unless it's urgent, and then I'll say so on the msg.

 

I expect the same sort of courtesy. My life is busy, as is everyone else's. If you don't hear back from me in a cpl of days, chances are I've forgot, and it's best to remind me.

 

Calling several times a day? Better be on fire, or have some other dire emergency. Not just a chat session. And if you can't be bothered to leave a vm, don't expect a call back either.

[LMA]

Are these people leaving lots of messages or they just show up on the caller id? There is a difference. Calls that show up on the id without a message do not need to be called back and don't count as phone calls in my book. I only call back those who leave a message and ask to be called back.

[J-rap]

My close friends have my cell phone number, and all others do not. That makes it easy! I rarely answer the home phone. I let it go directly to our answering machine. I'll call back in my own time. Of course if it's something important (RSVP for a gathering, confirm a doctor appt., etc.), I'll call back shortly. If it isn't, they can call as often as they want, but I still will call back in my own time.

 

Our circumstances are a little different though. I've told people that I don't have energy to talk on the phone these days, but to try back in about five years.

 

I don't think I answered your question...

[jhschool]

The older relative that you are not close to--don't return his phone calls at all. Don't take that phone message. I think it sounds a little bit scary. If you are not close, calling you several times in a day is really not OK.

 

(Of course as soon as I typed that I felt guilty and thought: Oh, what if the poor guy is in

trouble or something and is calling to be bailed out of jail or something? Or something

else?)

 

I don't know about the other one.

 

I don't think you have to reply quickly. They should wait for you to get back to them.

[katilac]

How do you know these are not emergencies?.

 

 

Presumably because the caller did not say, "It's an emergency!"

[NoseInABook]

I would assume they really needed to speak to me and call them back quickly. I know many people who don't leave voicemails and if they call more than once, it's something that is important so I do pick up. For anything else, I'll text or call back within 24 hours or so. Unless I flat out don't want to talk to the person. Then I ignore the call.

[Danestress]

 

 

It is most professional to return phone calls asap, and definitely by the end of the day. Perhaps it IS an emergency to them. Maybe they really need an answer from you before they can move forward with something.

 

 

I am not running a business here and thd people calling my house are not my clients. When I worked, I tried to return calls the same day I received them. I don't work now. I don't care about seeming 'professional' to solicitors. my kids' school, church groups looking for volunteers, or neighbors. I return calls if and when I feel like it.

[Danestress]

Repeat

[Ellie]

Interestingly, I'm in a situation which reminds me of this thread:

 

I talked to Matthew, a friend of ours from church who is newly remarried. I had texted him several times about helping me work on a website which he had said he'd be happy to do. No reply. :glare: Mr. Ellie and I both love Matthew dearly, BTW, and he's been to our home multiple times for potlucks and whatnot. So anyway, he came over to do some computer thing with Mr. Ellie, and we pulled out our cell phones and figured out a time when he could come over to help with the web site, plus a time when he and his new wife (whom we know and love) could come over for dinner.

 

So on Sunday, Mr. Ellie learned that the new wife didn't know a thing about the dinner. Why am I not suprised? :lol: So Matthew gave Mr. Ellie the new wife's number, and I called her on Sunday evening with an Official Invitation. She returned my call on Sunday evening, but she didn't confirm or decline, just said, "Hello. This is Alice. My cell phone # is this, and my home # is this." So I called her back yesterday, and told her the time, and asked if she or her dc had any food allergies or major dislikes so I wouldn't prepare something that would make them sick, lol. Today is Wednesday. No return call. Mr. Ellie texted Matthew last night. No reply from him, either.

 

So, do I call again? How many phone calls is too many???

[FaithManor]

Interestingly, I'm in a situation which reminds me of this thread:

 

I talked to Matthew, a friend of ours from church who is newly remarried. I had texted him several times about helping me work on a website which he had said he'd be happy to do. No reply. :glare: Mr. Ellie and I both love Matthew dearly, BTW, and he's been to our home multiple times for potlucks and whatnot. So anyway, he came over to do some computer thing with Mr. Ellie, and we pulled out our cell phones and figured out a time when he could come over to help with the web site, plus a time when he and his new wife (whom we know and love) could come over for dinner.

 

So on Sunday, Mr. Ellie learned that the new wife didn't know a thing about the dinner. Why am I not suprised? :lol: So Matthew gave Mr. Ellie the new wife's number, and I called her on Sunday evening with an Official Invitation. She returned my call on Sunday evening, but she didn't confirm or decline, just said, "Hello. This is Alice. My cell phone # is this, and my home # is this." So I called her back yesterday, and told her the time, and asked if she or her dc had any food allergies or major dislikes so I wouldn't prepare something that would make them sick, lol. Today is Wednesday. No return call. Mr. Ellie texted Matthew last night. No reply from him, either.

 

So, do I call again? How many phone calls is too many???

 

Ah...newleyweds! Ellie, you've done your part. I wouldn't call again and I wouldn't prepare dinner. If they show up, look surprised and say very pleasantly that you called to confirm plans, left messages, and since there was no response, you assumed they weren't coming.

 

Let it go at that. Matthew and wifey poo are probably going through that googly-eyed honeymoon phase and their heads aren't quite "in the game" yet. They'll likely settle down in the future and get organized.

 

It's important not to dog them. They need to learn to confirm plans or take the consequences.

 

Faith