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10/11yo dd friend issues - How to proceed?


2squared
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My nearly-11yo 5th grader is trying to put some distance between herself and a friend, and she wants to do it without hurting the other girl. I'm looking for suggestions on how to help her proceed.

 

My dd has been very close friends with this other girl for about three years now. The other girl is very nice and I have no issues with their friendship (other than the issues my dd has). However, they don't truly have interests in common and they are now growing in different directions. I had expected this time to come, but I wasn't sure when my dd would notice their differences.

 

Complicating the entire situation is that we live in a small community (pop 1500) where everyone knows everyone. This other girl, unfortunately, has very few friends so my dd feels an obligation to her. Why doesn't she have many friends? Well, I'm guessing it's because of the same issues driving my dd away. My dd has talked to her, but she doesn't stop. My dd is a quiet, introspective girl, and this other girl embarrasses my dd all.the.time. My dd needs to put some space between them, and I understand.

 

So...how do 10/11yo girls make distance in friendships without hurting the other girl? The other girl texts my dd, and my dd answers nicely and politely. When my dd runs into the girl, the girl clings to my dd. I just don't know what to do. I feel guilty b/c the other girl needs my dd, but if I were my dd, I wouldn't want some distance too.

 

Then, to add another complicated layer, my 6yo is best friends with this girl's 6yo brother. My 6yo hasn't gotten to see his friend for a couple months b/c my dd is trying to cool her friendship with his sister.

 

I just don't know the best advice to give my dd. We both want to do the right thing toward the other girl, and acting like very close friends doesn't seem to be the right thing if that's not how my dd feels. But, how does a girl "demote" a friendship without hurting the other girl? It just doesn't seem possible. What does my dd say when the other girl asks if they are still friends? What does my dd say when she's invited over to the other girl's house? How do we keep the no's from being awkward and painful? Right now my dd is very polite and brief in her responses so I guess that's working.?

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Guest submarines

What do you mean the other girl embarrasses her? specifically your DD, on purpose, or she just engages in weird behaviours? Is she socially inappropriate? Is it possible she has Asperger's?

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Well maybe you can cut back the social activities to once a week, or a couple times a month, instead of more often? That way they can be friends, but perhaps not close friends. That also would allow your son to see his friend.

 

Is it necessary to totally drop this girl? There's no way you can do that without her knowing that and being hurt by it.

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My dd has been very close friends with this other girl for about three years now. The other girl is very nice and I have no issues with their friendship (other than the issues my dd has). However, they don't truly have interests in common and they are now growing in different directions. I had expected this time to come, but I wasn't sure when my dd would notice their differences.

 

 

If the only issue is that they have different interests and are growing apart as a result of that then I'm not sure why your daughter can't just allow this to naturally evolve and take it's course. I think by trying to force the separation/distance you may just make things awkward and possibly painful. However, from reading the rest of your post, it seems that that this is not really the only issue. It sounds like your daughter feels uncomfortable being associated with the other girl. I'm guessing she is less mature than your daughter (and perhaps the rest of the peer group), or less able to read social cues, or less aware of expected social norms (or perhaps opposed to them and unwilling to go along) or some combination of these. Ultimately your daughter has every right to choose her own friends and every right to dissolve friendships she doesn't feel comfortable with. If she really no longer wants to be friends then she should say that directly but kindly. She should decline invitations to spend time at the other girls house or to go to special events with the other girls family if she doesn't want to be friends. Continuing to do these things when she doesn't have a more desired invitation just sends a mixed message about how your daughter views the relationship.

 

 

When my dd runs into the girl, the girl clings to my dd. I just don't know what to do. I feel guilty b/c the other girl needs my dd, but if I were my dd, I wouldn't want some distance too.

 

No child needs a friend who perceives them the way you are describing your daughter's perceptions. Honestly, this will only be more painful later for this other child. If your daughter is not interested in being friends then she needs to express that and then follow through consistently. I am in no way advocating that she be unkind to this child. If she was my daughter I would expect her to treat the other girl with respect and common courtesy when their paths crossed in the future but I would not encourage her to maintain a friendship she wasn't comfortable in.

 

Then, to add another complicated layer, my 6yo is best friends with this girl's 6yo brother. My 6yo hasn't gotten to see his friend for a couple months b/c my dd is trying to cool her friendship with his sister.

 

I'm not sure why your son can't still get together with his friend without your daughter being involved. Our daughters have friends who have siblings but we've never felt that their siblings were obligated to befriend our other children or that our children were obligated to befriend the siblings of their sisters' friends. Sometimes this has naturally worked out that way but it is never something I have expected on either end.

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There is no way to demote a friend without hurting the friend's feelings. Period. Some girls will know how to take a hint, will hide the hurt, and will make it easier for the dumper.

 

Other girls will display the pain for all the world to see.

 

It would be nice for your daughter if it were easier and less awkward to dump a friend. But nothing can make it nice for the ex-friend unless the demotion is bi-lateral, which this probably isnt. Just tell your daughter the truth. She is fully entitled to distance herself. But it will crush the girl.

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