If You Could Turn Back Time to When Your Child Was 12 ....

[fluffybunny]

What would you do differently, what would you not do, and what are you really glad you did do? ... that would make things easier in terms of learning and other outcomes ...

 

I have a 12 year old son, and I was just replying to someone on another forum who asked what they would do with a 5 year old to help things along when they got older, and I said I would make sure they had a good pencil grip early and that I was glad I read so many good fairytales. I then wondered what you intelligent and experienced parents of late teen and young adults would do the same or different?

 

Looking forward to your answers!! :)

[JennW in SoCal]

I'm glad I still read aloud and that we listened together to audio books through middle school and high school. I have warm, fond memories of afternoons spent sharing books. (Though to be truthful, there were times when they were impatient to be done with "story time" so they could go do whatever they did to waste time.) I'm glad we dropped everything once in a while and went to the movies, or out to lunch or to the zoo. I'm actually glad they didn't learn to drive too early so that we had time in the car for conversations. I'm glad I made the effort to drive them to activities they loved, even when the drive and time commitment were inconvenient to me. (Theater, for instance, is a large black hole that sucks all time, money and energy from a family.) They learned so much from outside activities, and through working with adult mentors.

 

I'm glad I was patient (enough) through the rocky puberty years. Our relationship survived and now we genuinely enjoy each other's company. A sense of humor helped. I'm glad I took the time to learn about their interests, to find ways to incorporate their interests into their studies.

 

I have no regrets. I am sure I could have done things differently, but what is a journey without a few wrong turns? They are interesting, kind and successful young adults who are able to think for themselves, and that is all that matters.

[Lori D.]

I'm glad I still read aloud and that we listened together to audio books through middle school and high school. I have warm, fond memories of afternoons spent sharing books. (Though to be truthful, there were times when they were impatient to be done with "story time" so they could go do whatever they did to waste time.) I'm glad we dropped everything once in a while and went to the movies, or out to lunch or to the zoo. I'm actually glad they didn't learn to drive too early so that we had time in the car for conversations. I'm glad I made the effort to drive them to activities they loved, even when the drive and time commitment were inconvenient to me. (Theater, for instance, is a large black hole that sucks all time, money and energy from a family.) They learned so much from outside activities, and through working with adult mentors.

 

I'm glad I was patient (enough) through the rocky puberty years. Our relationship survived and now we genuinely enjoy each other's company. A sense of humor helped. I'm glad I took the time to learn about their interests, to find ways to incorporate their interests into their studies.

 

I have no regrets. I am sure I could have done things differently, but what is a journey without a few wrong turns? They are interesting, kind and successful young adults who are able to think for themselves, and that is all that matters.

 

 

 

Completely agree with Jenn! No real regrets. All those things she listed are what were so valuable for us too, for creating the good relationship we enjoy now with our college DSs, and for helping them be much more well-rounded people, with a variety of interests. I like this thread to remind us to have fun and take advantage of extracurriculars as well as to have excellence in academics: Once your child hits middle school, does that mean all the fun stuff stops?

 

I would just add: Be willing to be flexible! All kinds of interesting and unexpected opportunities pop up. Do be prepared that each year is like stepping harder on the gas pedal -- so many more opportunities, so much time having to be spent on the "guidance counselor/administrator" role -- so you have to work that much harder to have balance.

 

In case you are interested, here are past threads of a very similar topic:

To all you people with 8th graders (or there abouts)

Looking back

If you knew then what you know now

High school parents: what would be your ideal for 7th/8th grade?

 

 

OO! And here's another really good one:

From moms who have graduated their seniors or are close to graduation

 

 

Welcome to the next stage of the journey! :) Warmest regards, Lori D.

[Nscribe]

I hate to do this but.... everytime I see the title on this thread Cher's voice starts belting ...."If I could turn back time, If I could find a way, I'd take back those things that hurt you ...."

[Nscribe]

On a serious note...I regret every moment of every day Dd was in public school from grades 1-5 1/2. It really dictated what we could do in the first couple of years at home because there was so much repair work to do.

 

I would also say a huge mistake I have seen many homeschoolers do in the middle years is not actively assure their kids are being with others enough just to hang out and build relationships. We focused on it, but when many we knew hit the high school years the teens insisted on going to public school just because they were lonely and couldn't see a path to really curing it once the demands on everyone stepped up and time was more restricted.

[Catherine]

On a serious note...I regret every moment of every day Dd was in public school from grades 1-5 1/2. It really dictated what we could do in the first couple of years at home because there was so much repair work to do.

 

 

 

 

I could say the very same thing about my oldest. He spent 7 years in school, mostly public but also private, and was MISERABLE the entire time. If i had a do-over, that's where I'd start.

 

I agree with jenn and Lori that "stopping to smell the roses" aka known as pursuing rabbit trails has really been good for us. And I also agree that making their social lives a priority in grammar and logic stage is good, because high school is often too time-consuming for them to forge new relationships.

 

I have spent far more time on writing with each successive child, for many reasons, and I am so glad I did, it's paying off.

[J-rap]

I don't have any deep regrets; we have loved our homeschooling experience, and I believe ( :)) my children will look back at those years fondly! We did a lot of fun, creative things, while getting a good education.

 

The two things I would go back and change though:

 

1) I would have involved a math tutor. I felt that I did a pretty good job teaching them and preparing them for college, with the exception of math. I think they are pretty bright kids, but math was very difficult and slow and I know I wasn't a good teacher. I was always just one step ahead of them. Some of them were motivated to study hard enough to test very well on the SAT math, but it wasn't thanks to me. Maybe if they had had a better math teacher, their career interests would have even been altered, who knows.

 

2) I would have been more disciplined with my younger two. With my oldest three -- even though we were quite flexible and did fun things -- I stuck to a rigid schedule of when we needed to have things done by. Kind of like, do whatever you want today, but if you don't have your completed work on my desk by midnight (or by Friday), there WILL be consequences. haha :) It really helped them to remain disciplined about all areas of their life (in a healthy way), which serves them well now. With my youngest two, I seemed to be less rigid. Sometimes we kept putting things off when so many other things were going on. It became less of a priority. I can see how in those two, they have had to work harder to develop the same discipline to accomplish things as they get older. It's more of a struggle.

[Lori D.]

On a serious note...I regret every moment of every day Dd was in public school from grades 1-5 1/2. It really dictated what we could do in the first couple of years at home because there was so much repair work to do.

 

 

 

:grouphug:

[Kareni]

Twelve years old was my daughter's age when we started homeschooling in 7th grade. If I were to turn back time, there would be a couple of things I would try to add in to the homeschooling mix -- for example, penmanship and world geography. However, if I were to have added those in, perhaps a couple of other things would have been neglected. All in all, I'm pleased with the outcome of our homeschooling ... and proud of what my daughter has accomplished since then.

 

Frankly, the idea of turning back time makes me feel tired. I'm glad to be where we are now!

 

Regards,

Kareni

[G5052]

If circumstances were the same, there's very little that I would change.

 

We've outsourced locally with mixed results, and I regret that even though it was the right choice at the time. I didn't have too many affordable options at the time, and some of the classes were frankly a bust. Others were memorable.

 

Outsourcing Latin to online providers has been a big win-win even though I teach Latin locally. Mine have long passed my abilities and have done much better in the long run with professionals.

[Miss Marple]

I'm glad I still read aloud and that we listened together to audio books through middle school and high school. I have warm, fond memories of afternoons spent sharing books. (Though to be truthful, there were times when they were impatient to be done with "story time" so they could go do whatever they did to waste time.) I'm glad we dropped everything once in a while and went to the movies, or out to lunch or to the zoo. I'm actually glad they didn't learn to drive too early so that we had time in the car for conversations. I'm glad I made the effort to drive them to activities they loved, even when the drive and time commitment were inconvenient to me. (Theater, for instance, is a large black hole that sucks all time, money and energy from a family.) They learned so much from outside activities, and through working with adult mentors.

 

I'm glad I was patient (enough) through the rocky puberty years. Our relationship survived and now we genuinely enjoy each other's company. A sense of humor helped. I'm glad I took the time to learn about their interests, to find ways to incorporate their interests into their studies.

 

I have no regrets. I am sure I could have done things differently, but what is a journey without a few wrong turns? They are interesting, kind and successful young adults who are able to think for themselves, and that is all that matters.

 

 

Agreee with all the above - especially the bolded practical activities.

 

Just a note about interests: I tried to be involved in each of their interests in some way or another. One loved philosophy and ideas. That was an easy one because I loved to read and discuss ideas with him. We didn't always agree :) but it allowed ds to develop the ability to craft an argument and he learned how to handle disagreement gracefully. One loved to cook (had visions of being a chef) so we watched cooking shows and I let him make anything he wanted. Sometimes it created a huge mess, but the results of the cooking were always good. One loves chemistry/physics - we have a saying in this house "don't eat anything in the kitchen unless you ask first" because you never know what he has created. Thankfully we live in the country and his creations that go "boom" aren't too scary to the neighbors. One is into fitness. That has allowed me to trim off the excess I've gained from the past 18/19 years of homeschooling. And I have discovered he really does know what he's talking about when he speaks of nutrition :p

 

OP (and others) - get involved with your kids! Show them that you enjoy them and you'll reap the rewards. Be prepared at all times to listen because you never know when they are going to drop their guard and confide in you. The car rides were often the scenes of some heartfelt confession, questioning, and counseling. I even made it a point to not turn on the radio just in case :)

[Trilliums]

What would you do differently, what would you not do, and what are you really glad you did do? ... that would make things easier in terms of learning and other outcomes ...

 

 

 

If I knew then what I know now, I would have worried less. We tended towards a very relaxed homeschooling style but I often worried we weren't "doing enough" or that the kids were not producing enough. Now as teens they are prolific producers!

 

I am glad we read, discussed, watched and listened. I am glad we spent so much time together and grew to trust each other and rely on each other. I am glad they were able to follow their interests. I am so so very glad that they did not do school work just to get a good grade.

[Shifra]

The number one regret my husband and I have with our 21 year old daughter is that we did not find out earlier what her passion was and what she was good at! She had so many learning difficulties that we were always doing remedial work. We would have been better off focusing earlier on her strengths.

[FloridaLisa]

What would you do differently, what would you not do, and what are you really glad you did do? ... that would make things easier in terms of learning and other outcomes ...

Part of this is so tailored to the child, interests and future path that there will always be an element of flexibility and the need to learn as you go, no matter how deep the research and how wonderful the planning.

 

Having said that, though, experience is a good teacher and the years do give perspective. Here is what I would make sure to do (in order of my thinking, not necessarily priority):

• Continue to prioritize skills through and into the middle school years. I try not to get so married to content or curriculum that I forget that I'm teaching skills. Math skills, math habits, writing, grammar, reading for understanding are all so important. It matters little that we finish a curriculum and check that content box if we pushed through without stopping to address critical skills.

• Beginning in 6th grade, teach study skills. My goal is to have my child prepared to read and take notes from a text; take notes from an oral lecture; memorize, study and prepare for a variety of tests; follow a syllabus. We start by taking sermon notes and then notes in co-op classes. I'm beginning to have mine keep a notebook for math vocabulary and theorems (never did that before!) as they hit pre-algebra and then geometry. As they hit more formal science texts, I teach them about outlining or taking notes from a text. And by 8th grade they are taking tests in vocabulary, math and science, sometimes other classes but those generally.

• Repeat a lesson, a chapter or a book when necessary. I've repeated algebra with two of my kids. I may be confessing my poor teaching skills! But with both dc, when we neared the end of Algebra I, I just didn't feel it had cemented well -- for different reasons (life intervened heavily or too early/developmental). I decided to repeat the entire text with both and so far, that has worked. Time will tell with one that is doing that now. Don't panic if your dc hits a wall. You have the luxury as a homeschooler to teach it for mastery -- working through summer or doubling up the next year or however it works best in your home.

• Continue to schedule in field trips! It's so easy to let the heavier workload dictate the time, especially in late middle and high school. We were several years into high school when I realized we had neglected to do field trips. I really try to work museum visits, theatre, concerts, and just plain fun field trips into our days. I really have not succeeded here as well as I'd like, but I'm doing better.

• Keep reading aloud! I'm doing well here! We have loved, loved, loved our evenings of read aloud, though it's more and more difficult to have everyone home at night, Reading aloud, or listening to audio books on long drives, creates such shared experiences. You can teach so much so gently through your read aloud selections.

• Continue to provide accountability all the way through the high school years. Ugh. I learned this one the hard way, as I'd heard and read so many *veterans* talk about working yourself out of a job and arriving at a glorious point where you could just hand the text to the child. This was a sad experiment in our home. I learned that I have to provide a lot of accountability. It does become less daily and more weekly (for us) as the child progresses through high school and then classes are outsourced. By 11th grade, the dc are usually fairly independent if they have dual-enrollment classes or outsourced classes to local tutors who are providing the accountability.

• Continue to work on character as much as content. Just like when my dc were younger, I am willing to slow down on school work or outside activities when I see a character area in one of my dc that needs concentrated work. Most things (sports, extracurricular, school work) are not ends in themselves but tools to reflect and shape your child's character. In our home, we do not elevate the sport/extracurricular over character, but use it as a tool to disciple that child how to deal with self, others and life. The last thing I want to do is give my child every advantage to excel in an area, but neglect to disciple their character in the process.

There is more -- so many lessons to learn in raising a dc through and into college -- but I need to go teach! Blessings to you. I can tell you that if you already desire to know how to do these years well, you probably will. Continue to be a student of those families around you that are a step or two ahead of you and be a student of your child. There is no one formula. Observe your child and trust your instincts.

 

Hope that helps a bit,

Lisa

[fluffybunny]

Thank you for your replies. FloridaLisa thank you for your practical suggestions; I feel like I'm almost on the right track as I have a similar philosophy as yours to learning. I want to make the most of the short time I have to teach skills, especially writing skills. Currently our day mostly consists of maths and LAs.

 

It is also reassuring to know your dc were not independent until 11th grade. I've been concerned about how much ds12 needs me now. He can't even do an outline without me there. Some of this is his lazy way of trying to use my brain instead of his own but I'm trying to find ways to get him to use his, ie by use of the Socratic method.

[readinmom]

I would have stopped worrying that he was so small. He is now 6'2. I also would have made sure that he had another interest besides baseball. It consumed his life, by choice. He quit all other sports to focus on this one. Hindsight is 50/50. I should have been happy with what he was, when he was... if that makes sense.

[BlsdMama]

What would you do differently, what would you not do, and what are you really glad you did do? ... that would make things easier in terms of learning and other outcomes ...

 

I have a 12 year old son, and I was just replying to someone on another forum who asked what they would do with a 5 year old to help things along when they got older, and I said I would make sure they had a good pencil grip early and that I was glad I read so many good fairytales. I then wondered what you intelligent and experienced parents of late teen and young adults would do the same or different?

 

Looking forward to your answers!! :)

 

 

I would have heavily invested in unique interests (because I feel that would have been more beneficial to college apps than I then realized.) If a curriculum wasn't working after a concerted effort (2 attempts at Saxon Algebra I) I should have switched it up.

 

I'm glad we read as a family. I'm glad I read (and still do read) aloud. I am glad I fostered in her a love of GOOD books. I'm glad I challenged her to read books beyond the average genre.

 

The courses we did on DVD because I didn't have the time or energy or interest in those areas gave me time, energy, and enthusiasm to pour into subjects I enjoyed so that I could share that with her.

 

I wish I had geared her curriculum specifically to her strengths and weaknesses instead of focusing on "This is a *highly* recommended program," idea...

[ZeeMommy]

What would you do differently, what would you not do, and what are you really glad you did do? ... that would make things easier in terms of learning and other outcomes ...

 

I have a 12 year old son, and I was just replying to someone on another forum who asked what they would do with a 5 year old to help things along when they got older, and I said I would make sure they had a good pencil grip early and that I was glad I read so many good fairytales. I then wondered what you intelligent and experienced parents of late teen and young adults would do the same or different?

 

Looking forward to your answers!! :)

 

 

FluffyBunny, from someone who has three children age 6 and under, would you mind sharing what you said on the other forum about what to do with 5 year old to help things along? Thanks!

[mommymilkies]

Great thread!