Spouses of Alcoholics

[Dana]

I wonder if part of the difference is that with someone with cancer, for instance, there's a hopefully clear plan for the fight. With addiction, there isn't a path...it's continued avoidance, one day at a time. A cancer recurrence isn't something you can control, but the choice to take a drink is. Even though addiction is a disease, it's one that I'd think should be able to be fought. Would you stay with someone with an illness they refused to treat?

[elegantlion]

I wonder if part of the difference is that with someone with cancer, for instance, there's a hopefully clear plan for the fight. With addiction, there isn't a path...it's continued avoidance, one day at a time. A cancer recurrence isn't something you can control, but the choice to take a drink is. Even though addiction is a disease, it's one that I'd think should be able to be fought. Would you stay with someone with an illness they refused to treat?

 

True, I had cancer. My cancer has a 50% chance of recurring or causing another type of cancer. I don't worry about it, like I have worried about the addict in my life. I try to stay healthy, but it's not a daily choice that causes me to need a phone-a-friend on speed dial.

 

I really like that article, how he said his problem is reality, not drinking or drugs. I see that. I guess in many illnesses it's the illness that is the "enemy". Reality is hard to change and accept.

[Joanne]

Question then. I just read the article. I've upped my respect for that man, for his honesty and writing ability.

 

Anyway, I struggled years ago and came to conclusion that addiction is a disease, don't have a problem with that. So, how does one reconcile their need to remove themselves from the lives of an addict? Do you go with the fact they're not recognizing their problem? Do you look at the greater damage they can do to their family, emotional and physical? What makes the disease of addiction such a dealbreaker, which I believe it should be in some cases? One wouldn't leave a cancer victim without support, why an addict? I know it's complex and probably some underlying psychology, but I struggled with the leaving for years about that.

 

 

 

{{{Hugs}}}

 

As you know, I believe it is a disease in the same way as cancer, diabetes, asthma, and heart disease are. Each of *those* diseases also have behavioral, cognitive, and lifestyle (often eating/drinking/environmental) changes that benefit the rate of progression, the manifestation of the disease or the healing level. Although alcoholism has a stigma (as do certain cancers such as lung cancer from a smoker), alcoholism does not differ in terms of the expectation of patient involvement. The relapse rate is similar to the diseases listed.

 

Alcoholism carries a fairly high patient culpability in terms of *recovery*. Although alcoholics do not ask for, create, or in any way predispose themselves into having a body that reacts to alcohol with a chemical/neurological need for more, they do have a choice (if given the information and opportunity.)

 

I tell my clients it is not their fault they are alcoholic (or addicted). They are not responsible for the "first thought" that comes to their mind. They *are*, however, responsible for where they go with that thought. They can entertain the thought to drink, romanticize and re-write the past, justify, put themselves around people/places/things that make drinking more likely. OR they can move towards healing mechanisms such as meditation, exercise, fellowship, gratitude, service. relationship restoration, forgiveness, removal of resentment, practice of spirituality.

 

The truth is that the bold are healing mechanisms. The bold change the brain. The bold are behaviors (and attitudes) that build neural networks that heal and transform the brain away from the brain that leads to drinking. It is not pop psychology; it is not replacing one addiction (chemicals) with another (AA or equivalent). The *function* of the changes are healing - just as many of those are literally healing for heart disease and cancer.

 

The reason it is "different" or "ok" to leave an alcoholic is because the function of that progressive disease includes creating disease in others. Having lived with an alcoholic for any considerable time creates dis-ease and issues in loved ones. Additionally, alcoholics given some information and options have a choice to move their brain towards healing or to keep moving their brain towards the addictive cycle. Many, many, many millions of addicts never give their brain enough time and material with which to heal.

 

Those involved with alcoholics may need to consider leaving the official relationship in order to practice their own self care, to find their own sanity, to provide a stable as possible home for kids, to demonstrate that no one deserves/should "stay" in severely adverse/dysfunctional circumstances.

 

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I've gotten several private requests for information about how early recovery is often a time of stress to relationships and relationships often don't survive. The information is "out there" but what I am about to write is a compilation of what I present during Family Night. Much of it pertains to intimate relationships, but it also generalizes to other people close to the family.

 

Reasons and Ways Early Recovery is Stressfull:

 

1. Early recovery comes at a time when family resources are often diminished and depleted. The family is often tired, angry, dysfunctional, and stressed as a result of the progression of the disease. Issues such as employment, sex, financial, legal, and health are often present. The stress of recovery, therefore, is imposed on an already compromised family system/

2. The family members often have unrealistic expectations. They often expect amends, behavior modification, remorse, and "turn arounds" that are unlikely if not impossible.

3. The family often does not understand the disease itself, has stigma and misinformation about the disease and recovery.

4. The family members often have untreated collateral issues - issues that will not abate or go away even if the alcoholic stays clean/sober.

5. The recovering person has to do a lot to stay clean/sober. Usually treatment, meetings, service work, having a sponsor. The family often quickly grows to resent that.

6. Related to #5, the alcoholic often feels more comfortable and less stressed in recovery settings and will in fact "use" those settings as a way to avoid home.

7. Related to #5 and #6, the alcoholic has often not developed the family skills necessary to be "home" and "with family" happily.

8. It is very common for alcoholics to "bond" quickly and heavily with other recovering alcoholics. This is a mixed blessing. It can, and often does, stress the family system. Spouses (sorry for the limiting term) often feel left out or even shunned.

9. Related to #8, it is common for newly recovering persons to act out sexually, including affairs. Newly recovery people seek *relief* and taking the edge off. Add to that the fact that recovery communities tend to accelerate intimacy, create a passionate accelerated intimacy. Put that with the reality that many spousal relationships have lacked authentic intimacy and an affair/inappropriate behavior happens. (The other person involved also has behavioral and cognitive issues).

10. Related to #9, the alcoholic at this point often has not yet done enough tranformational work to avoid poor behavior.

11. Often, the family of the alcoholic has done much to cover and compensate for the alcoholic. As the alcoholic comes back more functionally into the system, they want to take back or take over aspects of daily living. This, while often verbally welcomed by family members, is not in actuality welcomed by family members. It is common for the family members to be resistent to give up the power involved in being in control.

12. The alcoholic often expects trust to return faster than family members are willing to grant. This is often a host to many frustrating events.

13. Related to the intimacy involved in fellowships, the family members often get jealous and insecure at the amount of level of involvement and closeness the alcoholic begins to have with others.

14. It is not uncommon for an alcoholic to "do the program", to stay the recovery course, and over time, get much and dramatically better. If family members do not get better and seek help, the alcoholic outgrows them and their mental health is recovered far beyond that of untreated family members - and the alcoholic leaves.

 

 

There is probably more, but I am not at the office with my unit. :)

[elegantlion]

 

There is probably more, but I am not at the office with my unit. :)

 

Joanne, you are a wonder. What valuable information. I will say I've arrived to a few of those conclusions on my own after years of "dealing".

 

Seriously, to anyone reading this that is dealing with alcoholism in someone they love, please read, print, read again what Joanne wrote here. It took me years of learning stuff the hard way to conclude just a few concepts of what she wrote out.