If you are Af American...

[kbpaulie]

We have 7 & 10yo DS. We've been called to adopt or at least foster. We were very open to adopting of another ethnicity, but have started to have doubts. We're not doubting ourselves, but wondering what is best for the child. This isn't about racism, but about being able to instill culture and history. What do you think?

 

We are caucasian and outside of church (about 25% AA) and the pool (about 40% AA) at the summer, surrouned by mostly whites (co-op, scouts, choir, ...)

 

If you're willing to share your thoughts here or PM me it would be greatly apprecaited.

[Stellalarella]

We honor our two daughters' culture with relationships in the community, books and music and appreciation of their beauty.

 

I think it's worthwhile to consider the needs and heart's desires of a child (speaking generally) and how to meet those needs. But really, everything changes once you see this child who immediately needs loving parents and a stable home.

 

Yes, there are some public moments when it would be easier for my girls if they looked like me. There are some things about my life as a mother in public that would be easier if I had adopted girls who looked like me.

 

But I know that God put us together, and God's ways are not always the easiest ways. But I believe His ways for me and for these two girls are good.

 

Here is a picture I posted in January under another Forum about celebrating MLK day.

 

[EthiopianFood]

You are in a much more diverse environment than many! That will be of great benefit.

 

A child is better off with a white parent than no parent at all. Just work hard to be open to learning and growing beyond your comfort zone. Learn about proper skin and hair care. Get comfortable talking about race. Be aware of the cultural impacts of your own race in your life (white is a culture, too!).

 

Andrea Lowry, your dd is beautiful, wow. You are so fortunate to be able to adopt! I wish we had the money. :(

[Paintedlady]

Dd is half black. We live in a very diverse multicultural area, but I don't believe in the term "black culture". We don't do anything special in reguards to black culture or black history. We talk about the fact that she is biracial and the different ways that that might affect her in society.

 

Her best friend was adopted from Russia. We have two girls who live on our block that are adopted from China. We have kids on our block who are Caucasian and we have kids who are half Mexican and half black. None of them feel left out or different or unusual because they are a great mixture of different races and cultures and none of them stand out or draw attention.

 

I don't think that you should let your children's ethnicity or culture affect whether or not you foster or adopt. Look for opportunities to give them friends or a neighborhood or some other way to be involved with lots of different varieties of people.

 

I don't think you have to study their cultural heritage in order to make it work. That also doesn't mean you have to hide from it or pretend that there are no differences. It's a part of who they are but it's not the whole of who they are.

[Dory]

I'm obviously not Af American, but I thought I'd chime in anyway. My cousin adopted a half black boy as a baby who is now 10 years old. We have a family in our church who has adopted two black boys as babies, one is now 9 and the other 11, and I personally know a black man who was raised in a white family and is now married to a white girl with a family of his own. With all of them, their parents did put in a little effort to make sure they were taught and exposed a little to their birth culture, but it wasn't an extensive effort. I know they have a get together regularly with other moms that have adopted kids of different races. They are all healthy and well adjusted. They are all aware of their cultural background. Perhaps it's not as big a deal up here.

My friend and cousin have both said that it is important to learn about proper skin and hair care.

[SKL]

I'm a white mom who has adopted two brown daughters. (I didn't vote, since you were asking only votes from AA parents.) I had the same concerns as you when I decided to adopt. I think the basic parental relationship is not limited by color. I also think that all kids are so different, you will want to take the child's lead as far as how much to get into AA-focused topics / activities.

 

I think the concerns about racism are very real, and yet they don't have to define who your child is. If you find the need for additional resources at some point, I'm sure you'll be able to find them.

 

Good luck!

[Stellalarella]

You are in a much more diverse environment than many! That will be of great benefit.

 

A child is better off with a white parent than no parent at all. Just work hard to be open to learning and growing beyond your comfort zone. Learn about proper skin and hair care. Get comfortable talking about race. Be aware of the cultural impacts of your own race in your life (white is a culture, too!).

 

Andrea Lowry, your dd is beautiful, wow. You are so fortunate to be able to adopt! I wish we had the money. :(

 

 

Thank you for the kind words.

 

We did not have the financial resources to adopt. Our two adoptions were brought about by the financial support of fellow Christ followers. These girls coming into our family was through the love of many people. We are thankful for our non-profit Christian adoption agency, the kindness of a lawyer who donated his time, gifts from an agency grant fund, and the support of believers.

 

We have also had the opportunity to support friends in their adoptions who also had a burning to desire to adopt a child, but lacked financial resources.

 

At this point, we are friends with eight other families in our city who have brought African American children into their caucasian families. Seven of those families have chosen to adopt more than one child.

[Pamela H in Texas]

There are several blogs and articles and such. I would check those out.

Honestly, I never thought we'd be "so white." Having various other ethnicities

hasn't been a problem even with all seven of us being "so white." We most

certainly would accept any race kiddo.

 

I do think the idea of "color blind" is naive, even harmful. It sounds like

you'd be more mindful than that though. And you're life is a tad more

diverse than average.

 

One thing I think we have in our favor is a very diverse life. It isn't that we

"have black friends" (LOL). It is that our life really is very fluid in terms

of race. I kinda like the idea of our family being more similar to our

congregation, friends, associates, neighbors, etc. The only time I

hesitated was when my mom told me my grandfather asked if the

children were white. Of course, I've seen my grandfather once since I was 11.

 

BTW, the majority of people I know prefer the term "black" to AA. Though

I use AA with the agency and such, I think it is wise, especially if you'll have

"AA" children, to know what society around you does and why. Seriously,

my friends, congregation (except for one guy from Zimbabwe), etc are no more

African than I am German.

Just a thought.

[EthiopianFood]

 

 

Thank you for the kind words.

 

We did not have the financial resources to adopt. Our two adoptions were brought about by the financial support of fellow Christ followers. These girls coming into our family was through the love of many people. We are thankful for our non-profit Christian adoption agency, the kindness of a lawyer who donated his time, gifts from an agency grant fund, and the support of believers.

 

We have also had the opportunity to support friends in their adoptions who also had a burning to desire to adopt a child, but lacked financial resources.

 

At this point, we are friends with eight other families in our city who have brought African American children into their caucasian families. Seven of those families have chosen to adopt more than one child.

 

I have wanted to adopt so badly that it has made me cry, for 12 years now. I try not to think about it anymore because there is no way we will ever have that kind of money. If you have any ideas, I am interested in hearing them in a PM. :)

 

Sorry for the hijack!

[kbpaulie]

RaeAnne- While it's a very hard road, we are looking to foster/ adopt through the county system. There are no fees asociated w/ this and you are paid a daily stipen for the child's expenses, rec'v medical care for them and frequently rec'v benefits after they've been adopted. It's not an easy road but may be the answer to your heart ache and the heart ache of a local child needing a home.

 

I'm actually not even that concerned about race differences while a child is younger. It's more preparing them for adolesence. For example durin gour fostering classes a black woman was explaining how a white family can never teach a black boy what it means to be a black teen - to have the police and society questioning you more than they would a white boy, etc. Or what it means to be a proud black woman...

[Lilaclady]

I think a child is better off with a loving caring home than none and honestly since you have these questions, it may be nice to look for an African American family that will help with some issues like, what products to use for the kids hair etc. I think as long as the child Is well cared for, that is the most important thing. You might end up with a child who is not concerned with cultural issues or you may have one who is.

Also lots of American adopt kids from china and it is no longer see as a big deal.

[Laurie4b]

My time is limited right now, so I will try to come back later. My experience: I'm white. An African-American older teen/young adult kind of chose me as her mother. We also had an AA foster daughter later. We have friends who adopted cross-ethnically so long ago that their kids are adults with kids of their own. They had a huge family, so a breadth of experience. We attend a church with many bi-ethnic couples and many cross-ethnic adoptions.

 

A child raised by parents of a different ethnicity has a very unique and challenging experience--NOT as a child, but as a teen and young adult. It may be akin to a child raised by parents from country A who lived in country B for most of the child's upbringing. If they move back to country A, their children will have a hard time. In some ways, they have an experience of being able to fit into diverse environments. In another sense, they often express that they don't feel like they really belong anywhere.

 

During childhood, the experience of being a child of a different ethnicity than the parent doesn't appear to be that challenging. However, once the child is in the older teen/young adult years, that changes. (Sorry! GTG More later.)

 

ETA: So in the teens, it is normal developmentally to do two things: one is to begin to separate from one's parents and form one's own identity, we are all familiar with that. However, teens also clique up in many ways: athletes hang together, geeks hang together, and so do clusters of kids based on ethnic identity. I'm thinking of families I know in which parents I know who have relationships that are cross-ethnic and whose kids kind of hung out with "whoever" when younger without regard to ethnicity. They are then surprised when in high school, their kids are clumping ethnically.

 

So what happens in the teen/young adult years when the kids are of a different ethnicity than either parent, is that they frequently experience really intense pressure from the ethnic age group to choose their ethnicity over their family. I have known this to be so intense that a young adult child essentially leaves the family. That is not the norm, but it happens. But what does seem to be very frequent is for the kids to feel terribly torn in way that they would not if they were with parents who were ethnically the same as they are and it greatly exacerbates normal parent-teen issues. What if you're not just a "mean mom" but a "mean white mom"? What if your parental decisions become viewed as racial? (This happens.)

 

Some examples from my own experience: the young adult who essentially chose me to be her mother lived with me a couple times for short periods of time when she was down and out. But when she'd come home after being with her friends of her ethnicity and report a tremendous amount of pressure/condemnation for living with a white woman. Or our foster daughter, who was placed with us privately by her own mother, would visit at home with her old friends and family (notice none had taken her in) and report the same pressure. Our friends with the multiple adoptions cross-racially reported the same thing with their kids as they got older. They didn't lose any of their kids permanently as the kids grew up, but went through some years of estrangement over these issues.

 

So here are some things I would recommend someone who is white in the US think through when preparing for a cross-ethnic adoption:

 

I think it is important to love and honor the culture of the ethnicity of your child. (No one loves/honors everything about every culture, including their own.) So rather than being color-blind, seek to be color-appreciative and culture-appreciative.

 

Some thoughts on color-blindness: People speak of being color-blind, but that is largely a phenomenon of the dominant culture. If an ethnic group is both the majority and the culture in power (in some places in the world, a minority is in power) it kind of heightens the effects. But in the US, people of Euro ancestry have been the majority and have been in power though that is changing. We can point to this or that influence in music or other specific aspects of culture, but the majority of culture is still quite ( Other ethnicities often view Europeans as colonizers even if they don't live in the US (ie if they are from Latin America or other parts of the world which were colonized.) Being in the majority and in power, white culture is the one other ethnicities have had to adjust to. One good example is the concept of time . Several other ethnicities have phrases for WPT (white people's time), which is different from their sense of what being "on time" means. So they cannot be color-blind; they must be students of white culture to be successful. White folks on the other hand, can just do what seems "normal." So an adoptive parent from a majority culture will have to be thoughtful about issues of ethnicity, or the "blindness" can change from what they mean as a loving, accepting thing to an area of true blindness in which they miss seeing things that will be important for their child.

 

Before adopting, I would encourage a couple making a cross-ethnic adoption to look around and see if the greater community and your personal community niche is one that will be optimal for the child. Parents do this for all sorts of reasons, one of the most common of which is whether the school district is good for their child's academic needs to be nurtured positively, or perhaps they look for a community in which their child's faith can be nurtured. In the same way, make sure your community is good for your child's sense of ethnic identity to be nurtured in a positive way. If it's not going to be one that's best for the child, are you willing to change your niche now? Don't go into it assuming that your child will need to be the one doing all the adjusting to your ethnic niche. Make sure you do some accommodating as well. Part of your community is your extended family. If you find out your grandparent or your parent disapproves, what are you willing to do about that? Better find out and cross that bridge before you become a parent of a child who will raise those issues. It can surprise you who might harbor prejudice.

 

Before adopting, I would encourage couples making cross-ethnic adoptions to make sure that you know people who are of the child's ethnicity who are supportive and can help your family, and help the child as she or he grows and when the teens are challenged. (Don't assume that everyone will think it a good thing for a child to be adopted cross-ethnically.) When our foster daughter was mocked for "talking white" for instance, the people who could best help were our neighbors, an AA pastor couple, and an AA couple who were youth leaders in our church. When you immerse yourself as a family into a community like that, it will definitely help your child when the challenge comes to choose between their family and their ethnic identity.

 

If you don't have friendships of different ethnicities, I think that it would be really important to explore the question of why before adopting. Is it because your community is homogenous? Would you be willing to move? If your community is mixed, why don't you have close relationships with others of that ethnicity? I think it's best if the child is not the couple's first meaningful cross-ethnic relationship.

 

Lastly, if you can , find a sub-community in which there are many cross-ethnic adoptions, as it will help normalize things for your child as she or he hits those teen years. You can benefit from the experience of those with kids older than yours and your kids can see other families who "look like" yours, literally. It helps.

 

Hope this is helpful.

[Flowing Brook]

I have some friends of mine that have adopted twenty one children. Quite a few of them are AA. Most of the children are now adults or in their late teens. The children all seem very stable and they are truly one big happy family. They also have a child from Vietnam.

The parents are white but you can tell from being around them and the children that no one in that family sees color.

[kbpaulie]

The parents are white but you can tell from being around them and the children that no one in that family sees color.

 

See, as a white person I've always thought it's good to not "see color". But if you're in a minority group, couldn't this be somewhat insulting? I think sometimes when we saw we don't see color we're saying "you seem just like me (white)."

 

Laurie 4b - thanks for your response. Lots we've thought about and lots more to think about. Your story shares some of my thoughts/ concerns - it's those teen years that make the difference as they are looking for their identity. You take a "normal" child, teen years are hard. You take a foster (adoptive) child, it's harder. You take a foster (adoptive) child in a mixed family and the identity challenges may be even harder.

[EthiopianFood]

See, as a white person I've always thought it's good to not "see color". But if you're in a minority group, couldn't this be somewhat insulting? I think sometimes when we saw we don't see color we're saying "you seem just like me (white)."

 

And why is color something that shouldn't be seen, as though it is bad or embarrassing? ;)