Can you help me gain some perspective?

[1bassoon]

I need a little shoulder to cry on, talk to, something.

 

My oldest dd, 20, is a sophomore at a LAC. She lives at home, and likes living here for the most part (we have 4 younger kids). She's beautiful (but not in a glamour girl way, more in a girl-next-door way), funny, smart, and friendly. She invites people to our home, and they enjoy playing games here. She's had friends over before, and I've watched her interact with them. She's not the life of the party, but they talk and laugh together. She does tend to be more of an introvert.

 

But here's the thing. She never - I mean NEVER - gets invited to do anything social by her friends. (At least, this is according to her). Well, maybe once in the fall she did, it was a big group invitation.

 

It used to not bother her, but it's starting to now. She - who was always so big on courtship - wishes she had a boyfriend, or at least someone to pay attention to her. I just popped on fb and saw pictures of all her friends - her closest friends - at a dance on campus last night. Never heard about it from my dd. She wanted to move into an apartment with 3 of these friends, and they found a 4th before she could express her interest.

 

This bothers me tremendously. College is when you make life-long friendships. She's trying - and it just looks like nothing is working. My heart is breaking. She doesn't talk about it much, but the few times she does, it's clear it bothers her. What do I do? How do I help her? Does she need a counselor to talk this through, and help her realize what she might be doing that prevents her from making friends? Or am I making a big deal about nothing?

 

As I sit here, working in our downstairs, she's planned a get-together for some freshmen girls. She's made bread, salsa and chips, all sorts of stuff. I think about 4-5 girls will come.

 

It's just really hard for me to watch this, and wonder - is this normal? Should I be worried? And how should I talk to her about this?

 

If you have any advice, or just need me to take a chill pill, I'm all ears.

[songsparrow]

When I went to college, it was much more difficult for kids who lived off campus to feel like they were part of the social experience on campus. They often felt left out, and had more difficulty making friends. Lots of social events happened spontaneously; for example, was the dance last night something her friends had planned in advance to attend, or was it a spur of the moment decision? Maybe they aren't inviting her to things because they are last-minute decisions and she's not there on campus to invite. Same thing for the kids coming over to your house; it's just less convenient than hanging out on campus. Is there any possibility of her moving into the dorms, even just to try it out for a semester or two and see if she likes it?

 

Also, has she considered joining a sorority? That's another way to get more involved in the social life on campus.

[1bassoon]

That's what I'm thinking, too. It's the off-campus thing that's hard for her. She. . . .and we. . .have no funds for college. She's been able to go debt-free with scholarships by living at home. She really - REALLY - wanted to live with these friends who were getting an apartment, and when she found out they had 4 people already, she was crushed.

 

The dance was a semi-formal that had been planned; and no one asked her. I haven't even asked her about it - and truthfully, she might not have even known about it. She's not on facebook, doesn't want to be. And honestly, she doesn't really like dances! She is very not interested in a sorority, either. . .and we don't have the $$ for the dues.

 

So why am I so upset? I think b/c I just wish she had friends. . . .well, she has a few friends, but they don't seem to do anything with her! Sigh.

[MIch elle]

I know how you feel. Unfortunately your dd situation is normal and common, but I don't think it's right. People know how to take but they don't know how to give. Your dd is a giver who is being taken advantage of. I did what she did for years and have no friends to show for it.

 

I have no friends from school - grade, high or college. My sisters are my life long friends. She has her family. She has YOU - a loving mother. :grouphug:

[1bassoon]

Yes, she has a cell with texting. That helped her a lot her freshman year.

 

My dh thinks what you do, MIch elle. That they just don't think about her, because she's off campus. It stinks, it really does. Right now, she's upstairs playing games with her siblings, and they're having a great time.

 

So why am I so upset about this???

[regentrude]

Others have said many things. If she wants to be more involved with others plans, she nees to get on whatever social media they are using., If it's facebook, by opting out she is excluding herself.

I think there is possibly some miscommunication going on.

You mention she did not want to go to the dance anyway; is it possible that she has, at some point, voiced such opinions to her friends?

She is living at home to save money; maybe the others did not even imagine she would want to share an apartment with them?

 

I lived at home while I attended college. Come to think of, I did not really did not form any deep friendships with any of the kids who lived on campus. I did, however, make great livelong friends with other students who also lived off campus, at home - we still keep in contact 20 years later and see each other every year, even though I am now overseas. So, she might have better luck trying to get close to other townies.

 

Lastly, for me, all my friendships grew from our tight-knit study group. We spent the majority of our time working together on homework, prepping lab, studying for tests. The social things we did grew out of working together. She might want to find other serious students and join a study group.

[1bassoon]

That's the thing: these students/friends are in her honors program, and they've been studying, etc together in different groups since freshman year.

 

I'm trying to figure out - is there some signal she's giving off that says, "I'm not interested; I'm stand-offish; I don't want to get involved". That could be very true. She has a HARD time sharing her feelings.

 

When she went to Italy on Jan term, and roomed with her friend, and was around these students (all from the honors program), I think she realized what she's been missing. But it's like. . . . something's not computing with her.

 

Sigh.

[teachermom2834]

It is unfortunate how many social plans and interactions run through Facebook these days. I respect your daughter's decision not to be on Facebook but that probably isn't helping the situation any. I think many people don't know how to invite friends to do something anymore. Teenagers post things like "who wants to go to the movies?" or "hanging out at the pizza place to watch the game at 7:00" and things like that. There might not be many personal invitations going out in her social group.

 

I am not saying your dd should get on FB or that it excuses friends from not thinking of her. Not at all. I'm just saying that it might when coupled with being off campus be making the situation that much more difficult. I don't think it is right but it might be reality.

 

Just a thought.

 

Sorry!

[MFG]

Many college have social events, dances, movies, coffee shops, that are open to all students. If she wants, she can attend events of this type. Was the specific dance you mentioned of this type? If that is the case, she would not need an invitation, as a student of the college, she is already invited. Did her friends go as a group or with dates? Maybe that would not be the most comfortable time to start putting oneself forward, but more casual, mixed group events might work. If she she sees or hears something advertised she could suggest to her friends that they go together. Living off campus means she may need to plan more. I guess the questions is, is it important enough to her to put in the effort? I hope she is able to find the level of involvement with which she is comfortable.

[Catwoman]

FWIW, I didn't make any lifelong friends in either college or grad school, so you may be overestimating the long term importance of your dd's current problem.

 

Why doesn't she just ask the other girls to keep her in the loop when they're going someplace? Maybe they assume she's busy with other things, or that she's not interested in making the drive back to school just to go out for pizza or some other little thing.

[Jane in NC]

My son missed out on some things during his first year of college because he too is not on Facebook. Now that he lives in a suite with like minded students, he is in the loop.

 

I was a commuter student during my first year of college. There were definite disadvantages--particularly in the age when most students did not have cars but either lived on campus or in the neighborhood outside of campus. There were a number of spontaneous things that happened.when someone stopped by your apartment or even when someone saw you walking or riding a bike by. My parents did not approve of my move from home to an apartment--and goodness I was poor without their financial support--but I think I had a better college experience because of it.

 

Perhaps your daughter needs to be assertive. Can she ask some fellow students to an event and then perhaps ask if she can crash on a couch so as not to disturb her family?

 

Also, all colleges have evening or weekend events. Even if she is going to the coffee house performance or concert or international fair on her own, she will probably run into someone.

 

Does she study in the college library? I always ran into people there.

[Mrs Mungo]

I commuted throughout college and never really made a ton of friends through my college classes. I did make lifelong friendships during that time frame, but they were with people I worked with.

[1bassoon]

I just got a little more information -

 

The dance last night was the semi-formal event that is held for the students who are NOT in a sorority/fraternity (most of her friends aren't). She said she didn't even know about it until Wednesday.

 

She really does tend to be clueless - she's like my dh; so wrapped up in their work/projects/etc, that they miss events going on around them. So. . introvert combined with task-oriented combined with not-on-facebook = daughter out of the social loop.

 

She has said to me that she needs to be on campus more. . the irony is, now that her schedule includes less of her honors classes, all of a sudden the kids she thought were her friends don't have time for her. Plus, her schedule is wacky - the time when she would be going to a large-group campus fellowship, she's in rehearsals for her dance ministry. Stuff like that.

 

I'm sorry to be beating this to death - my dh is out of town on a job interview (which is making me REALLY stressed out) and this whole situation has just gotten under my skin.

[Jane in NC]

Another thought: maybe she needs new friends.

 

I sort of stumbled into one group as a first year student but after a while found a group with a better fit. I have several life long friends from this second group.

[Catwoman]

Another thought: maybe she needs new friends.

 

:iagree:

 

If she's serious about her studies, perhaps she needs to find some likeminded friends. Perhaps she could organize a little study group that would meet at a local coffee shop or something. I'm sure there are a lot of "non-social-butterfly" types who would be very happy to find a way to get to know their classmates better, but who are too shy to walk right up to your dd and start a conversation.

[1bassoon]

But see. . . .here's the disconnect. These ARE the serious students. And the past 3 semesters, when they had 2 classes per semester together, she went to study groups with them and loved it.

 

But this semester, everyone's in their majors more, and she's only in 1 class with her honors peers. Fewer study groups, fewer social opportunities.

 

I do think that a lot of it is that she didn't live on campus last year, and didn't form those friendships.

 

I just - I'm sorry, guys, I totally sound like Debbie Downer and am shooting down all your suggestions. I just don't know IF she needs help, HOW I should help her, or if I should just shut my mouth and let her figure it out on her own.

 

And I feel stupid complaining about this. Many of my friends are dealing with kids who are too peer-oriented, or sneaking out to meet boys, or whatever. They think I've got it easy.

 

But I tell you, my momma heart senses something is wrong, and I don't know what - if anything - to do about it.

[1bassoon]

 

I'll only say that I don't make friends easily. The whole introvert thing. For years it bugged me. Especially at that age. It no longer does because I understand myself better. It really is "me" not other people. I often don't take the necessary steps to maintain friendships. I've accepted that about myself now, but years ago it was upsetting to me.

 

Maybe that doesn't help you at all though.

 

No, it does help Wendy.

 

She is an introvert. I'm an extrovert. I'm working that balance, you know? I had just hoped - and prayed - that college would be where she would find one or two close, good friends.

 

I thought she had, and now this semester no one seems to have time for her.

 

Honestly? She needs some nice, wonderful young man to take a shine to her and draw her out more. But that hasn't happened, either.

 

I stink at parenting these older ones. I want to give her a cracker and put her down for a nap, and have her wake up and be all better. Not happening.

[texasmama]

Haven't read the other replies, but I wanted to say that I (an extrovert) found my best friend (an introvert) at college when she was about your dd's age. I'm a couple of years older than she is. The friendship grew slowly, and I preferred her sister to her at the beginning. That was in 1990. We are still best friends today. I think your dd sounds lovely and sweet and everything that anyone would want in a friend. I think it just takes time and putting herself out there. Hugs for your mama heart. I have a dd going to college next year, and I'm sure we will face some similar (or other) problems.

[Catwoman]

But this semester, everyone's in their majors more, and she's only in 1 class with her honors peers. Fewer study groups, fewer social opportunities.

 

I do think that a lot of it is that she didn't live on campus last year, and didn't form those friendships.

 

 

Here's the thing, though -- even if she had lived on campus last year, it probably wouldn't have made a bit of difference if her friends were no longer in her classes and study groups. College friendships are often based on nothing more than a current common interest and convenience. Your dd isn't in the same classes with those girls any more, so they've moved on. And when they don't have classes with each other any more, they will probably move on from each other to new friends. I sincerely doubt it's anything personal about your dd.

 

The girls sound more like acquaintances than real friends.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

:grouphug: for you and your DD.

 

My DD is a commuter student to her LAC. She also hasn't made too many friends. She was on the tennis team and had a group she hung out with during the tennis season. As soon as it was over, however, nothing. Neither a call nor an invitation. She has tried contacting some of the girls but they seem to have conflicting schedules, etc. There is always an excuse.

 

I have friends who work at the LAC and asked them about it. They said that, hands down, commuter students have the worst time on campus. Most friendships are made in the dorms, not in classes, and without the communal living experience, commuters rarely plug in. It's the main reason LAC's require freshmen to live on campus and must petition to become commuters.

 

DD's LAC opened a Commuter Lounge this year for the commuter students. The idea was that they would have a place to congregate and form friendships. It's not working out that way, though. Most of the commuters, DD included, are only on campus for their classes and then leave as soon as classes are finished. DD said two older guys (in their late 20's) have pretty much staked claim on the lounge and use it for political debates and whatnot. DD says it is very uncomfortable so she doesn't hang around much.

 

I have tried telling DD to stay on campus, join clubs, find someone to have lunch with, etc. She tells me it is more difficult than I think it would be because everyone else is talking about last weekend's party, next weekend's party, who got busted doing what in the quad, etc and DD just isn't up on the social happenings so she rarely has anything to contribute to the conversation.

 

She has also been labeled a 'townie', which is like wearing a red H on her chest. Everyone knows she lives at home and it's just not cool.

 

We keep reminding her that graduating debt free will be cool and she will be happier in the long run but it doesn't make it easier on a day to day or week to week basis. Especially when she should be having a bit more fun and being social. (That's how I feel anyway.)

[1bassoon]

Here's the thing, though -- even if she had lived on campus last year, it probably wouldn't have made a bit of difference if her friends were no longer in her classes and study groups. College friendships are often based on nothing more than a current common interest and convenience. Your dd isn't in the same classes with those girls any more, so they've moved on. And when they don't have classes with each other any more, they will probably move on from each other to new friends. I sincerely doubt it's anything personal about your dd.

 

The girls sound more like acquaintances than real friends.

 

Yes. This.

 

And I remember thinking last year - she said the best part of college was that she had made friends. But then I would think, "Why does no one text you? Why don't you get invited to things?"

 

Maybe she doesn't really know what a friend - a real, true friend - is.

 

D*mn, that breaks my heart just typing that.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

 

I stink at parenting these older ones. I want to give her a cracker and put her down for a nap, and have her wake up and be all better. Not happening.

 

 

Me, too. I long for the days when it was that easy.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I wish our DD's attended the same school. They could be commuter buddies.

[1bassoon]

Yeah - if I had it to do over again? I would have made her live on campus last year, debt or no debt.

 

:sigh:

[TranquilMind]

I just got a little more information -

 

The dance last night was the semi-formal event that is held for the students who are NOT in a sorority/fraternity (most of her friends aren't). She said she didn't even know about it until Wednesday.

 

She really does tend to be clueless - she's like my dh; so wrapped up in their work/projects/etc, that they miss events going on around them. So. . introvert combined with task-oriented combined with not-on-facebook = daughter out of the social loop.

 

She has said to me that she needs to be on campus more. . the irony is, now that her schedule includes less of her honors classes, all of a sudden the kids she thought were her friends don't have time for her. Plus, her schedule is wacky - the time when she would be going to a large-group campus fellowship, she's in rehearsals for her dance ministry. Stuff like that.

 

I'm sorry to be beating this to death - my dh is out of town on a job interview (which is making me REALLY stressed out) and this whole situation has just gotten under my skin.

 

 

I really can relate to what you are saying, as my own daughter tends to have situations like this too. She just doesn't read social situations as well as I'd like yet either.

 

There really isn't anything you CAN do, but pray! That's what I do. You can't be there assisting in any way, but you can be someone for her to talk to.

 

It will come. Some just kick in later than others, I think.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I wish our DD's attended the same school. They could be commuter buddies.

 

 

 

I am on FB and I "liked' the college's main page. By doing so I am able to keep up with some of the campus happenings. I try to check the school's calendar page weekly so I know what's going on. The problem is I do not want to be 'that parent' but let her be and do what she feels is right for her.

[Catwoman]

Yes. This.

 

And I remember thinking last year - she said the best part of college was that she had made friends. But then I would think, "Why does no one text you? Why don't you get invited to things?"

 

Maybe she doesn't really know what a friend - a real, true friend - is.

 

D*mn, that breaks my heart just typing that.

 

 

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry. :(

 

But I don't think your dd's situation is particularly uncommon. I'm sure it appears to her that everyone else has friends and is out having lots of fun, but let's face it, a huge number of kids are just like her, wishing they had someone to do things with, but not knowing how to meet them. They are the ones who are sitting by themselves in the library, or sitting alone in the dining hall, walking by themselves between classes, or walking alone to and from their cars every day, just like your dd -- minding their own business and not being noticed by most people.

 

And those are the kids your dd should probably try to meet.

[Jane in NC]

She is an introvert. I'm an extrovert. I'm working that balance, you know? I had just hoped - and prayed - that college would be where she would find one or two close, good friends.

 

I thought she had, and now this semester no one seems to have time for her.

 

Honestly? She needs some nice, wonderful young man to take a shine to her and draw her out more. But that hasn't happened, either.

 

I stink at parenting these older ones. I want to give her a cracker and put her down for a nap, and have her wake up and be all better. Not happening.

 

 

It is true that serious students have greater time commitments to their academics. My son's best friend is really busy working on his senior thesis. My son (a junior) shares his meal swipes once or twice a week to pick up dinner for this friend. The two then eat together in the suite. They sort of figured out a way to stay connected.

 

You wrote that no has time for your daughter. Does she make time for them?

 

I don't want to sound harsh. I too am an extrovert so sometimes what is simple for me is impossible for someone else.

[Catwoman]

I don't want to sound harsh. I too am an extrovert so sometimes what is simple for me is impossible for someone else.

 

 

I know what you mean. I'm pretty outgoing, so I was thinking that her dd could just strike up conversations with other girls as they walked out of class, or that she could arrive a few minutes early for her classes to give her time to chat with her classmates, or to walk up to someone in the dining hall and ask if she could sit at her table, or to sit across from someone at the library and ask her what she's studying, but I'm not sure how comfortable she would be about doing any of that.

[briansmama]

It sounds to me like this group of honors students is pretty cliquish- I agree with the pp who suggested she may need to find other friends.

 

I don't really think there is a problem with your dd, from what it sounds like. While I'm sure it's painful to watch, this is something she needs to figure out on her own, and likely would have to in some way even if she were living on campus, so don't beat yourself up over the fact that she couldn't live on campus.

 

A thought came to mind- does she have a job? You know, once college is over she will be in a totally different arena. And others there could be cliquish too, and her introverted personality might make for a few uncomfortable years too. But, she will figure it out and decide if she wants to go outside of her comfort zone to change that situation (or not!).

 

It sounds like you have a very bright, wonderful girl who is going to figure these things out and go on to have a successful life.

[TranquilMind]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry. :(

 

But I don't think your dd's situation is particularly uncommon. I'm sure it appears to her that everyone else has friends and is out having lots of fun, but let's face it, a huge number of kids are just like her, wishing they had someone to do things with, but not knowing how to meet them. They are the ones who are sitting by themselves in the library, or sitting alone in the dining hall, walking by themselves between classes, or walking alone to and from their cars every day, just like your dd -- minding their own business and not being noticed by most people.

 

And those are the kids your dd should probably try to meet.

 

 

This is so true. There are ALWAYS people out there who need friends. Everyone presents a wonderful image on Facebook, but the reality can be different.

[1bassoon]

Thank you all - SO MUCH - for just listening to me. If I had dumped all this on my dd, or just stewed about it all afternoon, I would not be in a very good place right now.

 

So, tonight - she invited a bunch of girls over for dinner and games. 6 girls came - they had a nice night, and she was happy as a clam.

 

Honestly, I think I just need to "keep on keeping on". . . .supporting her, listening to her concerns, offering gentle mommy-tips when I can. And praying for her. I also have to remember that she is not me, I'm an extrovert, and my college experience (which - honestly? - I remember as being pretty miserable at times) is going to be different than hers.

 

And coming to the Hive when I feel a freak-out coming on. :D

 

Thanks, y'all.

[DianeW88]

To be honest, if she wants deeper friendships, she needs to live on campus and she needs to be on social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram).

 

My dd lives in an apartment with three other girls, and she's constantly doing something social. She met her boyfriend in her apartment complex, too.

 

Off campus students are "out of sight, out of mind."

[Rosie_0801]

If there is an SCA group on campus, she could look into that if it's not too geeky for her. The good thing about that is there are parent groups outside of the college, so when she graduates, she can continue on without having to completely start over. If she attends events outside the college group, she'll get to know people, *especially* if she volunteers in some capacity. Even if she doesn't make a best friend, she will still be part of the group and may find a mentor.

[Mommyof4ks]

I lived on campus that first year of college, and I was always out doing social things, but I do not have any lasting friendships from those days. Some people are aquaintences that I see around town, but I do not have a deep connection with them. I am just one of those people though who tries to be helpful and friendly, but I cannot seem to connect on a deeper level with people. For years it really bothered me, but now I am learning to accept that it is what it is. There are some incredible people that have been in my life for over a decade, and it hurts to know that at some point we will drift apart, but I am learning to live in the moment and enjoy the interaction. You are such a sweet mama to care so much about this, and your dd is a lucky girl.

[Guest submarines]

FWIW, I didn't make any lifelong friends in either college or grad school, so you may be overestimating the long term importance of your dd's current problem.

 

Why doesn't she just ask the other girls to keep her in the loop when they're going someplace? Maybe they assume she's busy with other things, or that she's not interested in making the drive back to school just to go out for pizza or some other little thing.

 

 

:iagree: I'm introverted, and I had plenty of casual friends in college, but none became life-long. Sure, there were times when I wished I had "more friends", but I've also realized that I much more prefer having 2-3 quality friends, and I don't really like crowds. It is normal to wish for a closer friend, but I don't think actively looking for a friend ever works. If she pursues her interests and passions, gets together with like minded people, friendships will follow.

 

If she's organizing a get together for 4-5 people. I think that's lovely.

 

 

 

I also agree that she might assume that they are busy, and they might assume that she's busy.

 

I might be wrong, but from the post it seems that you (the OP) is much more upset than your DD, at lest the post focused on how you are on the verge of crying. Is she really that upset that she doesn't have more / better friends, or she wishes she had a boyfriend? These are quite different things.

[Guest submarines]

To be honest, if she wants deeper friendships, she needs to live on campus and she needs to be on social media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram).

 

My dd lives in an apartment with three other girls, and she's constantly doing something social. She met her boyfriend in her apartment complex, too.

 

Off campus students are "out of sight, out of mind."

 

 

As an introvert, I did wish for a deeper friendship when I was in college, but the idea of living on campus and "constantly doing something social" was never appealing to me. Eventually I found like-minded people and developed deep, meaningful friendships.

 

Honestly, an introvert won't be happy in a situation you describe, and besides an introvert is not very likely to find meaningful friendships doing "social things." I've never felt I had much in common with those who craved parties.

[mumto2]

:grouphug: As an extrovert mama to an introvert dd I feel your pain. My dd is much younger but her reactions to situations are so much different then mine would be. Sometimes she does feel excluded and we talk about it but frequently when she is excluded imo, she has had a lovely time. I am so glad that she is not hurt in these situations.

 

I think the fact that you are willing to open your home to her friends is great. That may be the most comfortable setting for her. With the dance ministry she obviously has some other campus involvement. Maybe those friends should be invited over next.