New mom violent thoughts

[MeaganS]

I just read this article and it struck a chord for me. I would have entire senarios like the ones she described play out in my mind on a regular basis after my girls were born, especially after my first. It was awful, but I never really heard of anyone else doing this until I read this article.

 

http://www.cnn.com/2013/03/01/living/motherhood-violent-thoughts-nightmares/index.html?hpt=hp_bn11

[Parrothead]

Oh, so I'm not the nut job I'd thought I was. Mine were always about dropping dd into the hot oven. She was not allowed into the kitchen until she could walk.

[~Amanda~]

first few months nothing. I still get those, even though they aren't very often. I tend to have panic attacks when my kids go with DH to the store, and they take an extra long time. maybe that's not the same thing, but I still have uncontrollable daymares lol

[MeaganS]

Mine were about finding them dead, like having been accidentally smothered or dead from SIDS. I'd imagine myself walking into the room, discovering what had happened, and then being so upset. For the first few months after my oldest was born, I cried myself to sleep most nights because of these types of thoughts.

[MeaganS]

first few months nothing. I still get those, even though they aren't very often. I tend to have panic attacks when my kids go with DH to the store, and they take an extra long time. maybe that's not the same thing, but I still have uncontrollable daymares lol

 

Yeah, they still happen to me too, although definitely not as often.

[Halftime Hope]

I wonder if this phenomenon is limited to PP or if there is something similar with other intense relational changes. I don't remember having anything like this PP, but I sure did just after we got married. I had nightmares about something horrific happening to dh for several months. Poor guy, he usually had to talk me down off the ceiling.

[Crimson Wife]

Mine were about finding them dead, like having been accidentally smothered or dead from SIDS. I'd imagine myself walking into the room, discovering what had happened, and then being so upset. For the first few months after my oldest was born, I cried myself to sleep most nights because of these types of thoughts.

 

I used to have those morbid thought as well. Very bizarre what hormones can do to our minds...

[Mergath]

I had that happen after dd was born. My biggest fear was that I was going to get postpartum psychosis and hurt dd without realizing I was doing it. I'd be making a sandwich or something and sit there thinking, "Oh my god, what if I've had a complete psychotic break and I'm killing my baby right now and don't even know it?" It was horrible. There had been a ton of stories in the news that year about women who had ppp and did actually kill their babies, so with that and the ocd and the ppd, I had issues. I ended up on a lot of medication, and it took me years to get over it completely.

[mommymilkies]

I had that happen after dd was born. My biggest fear was that I was going to get postpartum psychosis and hurt dd without realizing I was doing it. I'd be making a sandwich or something and sit there thinking, "Oh my god, what if I've had a complete psychotic break and I'm killing my baby right now and don't even know it?" It was horrible. There had been a ton of stories in the news that year about women who had ppp and did actually kill their babies, so with that and the ocd and the ppd, I had issues. I ended up on a lot of medication, and it took me years to get over it completely.

 

That's kinda where I'm at. I'm weaned off the meds now, and never hurt them or wanted to. It was more the fear of what others have done exacerbating my anxiety, kwim? Glad to know I wasn't the only one!

[Mergath]

That's kinda where I'm at. I'm weaned off the meds now, and never hurt them or wanted to. It was more the fear of what others have done exacerbating my anxiety, kwim? Glad to know I wasn't the only one!

 

 

Nope, you're definitely not alone. When I was at my lowest point, I finally left dd with dh and drove myself to the emergency room. I was terrified they were going to take dd away or something, but when I went in and said, "I think I'm insane and I'm scared I'm going to end up hurting my baby," they didn't even blink. The doc told me that he constantly saw women in the exact same situation, all terrified they'd lose their children because of these thoughts. He also told me that in all the years he'd been a doctor, he'd never seen one of these women actually snap and hurt their baby. Just knowing that helped so much.

[beaners]

My level of anxiety over my 7 month old is probably unhealthy. He has reflux, and that caused an Acute Life Threatening Episode (ALTE) that triggered a 911 call, ER trip, and transfer to the Children's Hospital. I tended to hover over my others, but this is pretty over the top. He's napping in my bedroom right now, and I keep checking to make sure he's breathing. I can't count how many times I've woken him up in the middle of the night while I was checking on him. I can be carrying him in my sling, and if he falls asleep I will stop walking to make sure I can feel him breathing. I've improved enough to stop squishing myself between a car seat and a booster in the back of our van to watch him while we drive, but I do turn and look at him constantly. Sometimes I can even see him breathing, but I'm still not reassured until he does a little double sniff or twitches.

 

I worry about crazy things with all of mine though. We were at a zoo with my oldest when she was 1, walking on a bridge that overlooked part of an animal enclosure. I was holding her in my arms, walking on the far side of the path, and still envisioning how I would leap in after her if she fell in. I freak out if my husband is carrying one of the children and within 5 feet of the edge on an upper floor in a mall. I can't read the news any more if there is anything about kids in it.

[SproutMamaK]

Mine were always about dropping knives on the kids heads while they toddled around as I made diner. They're 8, 7, and 5 now and I still get flashes of car crashes, falling off balconies, etc. Maybe that's because I've been pregnant so often and the hormones just won't shut up.

[Um_2_4]

I think this is an anxiety related issue, that is how my dr diagnosed it.. I had this pre-kids. If DH didn't answer his cell and was late getting home from work, I would be on the floor crying as though the police were at the door telling me about the accident that killed him. If DH went to the Dr because x was bothering him and he didn't call to let me know what was up (as he usually does), I would imagine that they had to rush him to the ER for something and I was sitting there waiting for THE CALL in tears. Exhausting. I always made sure to not nag DH and he only found out recently about this, I kept it to myself. No one IRL knows this either. Still happens to me now, but I am able to control my reaction thanks to some meds.

[justamouse]

Oh, so I'm not the nut job I'd thought I was. Mine were always about dropping dd into the hot oven. She was not allowed into the kitchen until she could walk.

 

 

This was mine. That I put them in the oven. When was baking something, I'd always ask the olders WHERE The baby was, check the oven for me...

 

I never let them NEAR the kitchen. Another was driving the van off the road into the freezing river. For three years I was *terrified* of driving over bridges, and where we lived? I couldn't drive out of town without crossing one. Bigs ones that went over a river like the Delaware.

 

Now, every once in a while, I still freak about the oven. I never took anything for it, I knew what it was, and my Dr said it'd eventually pass. It did.

[SorrelZG]

I think this is an anxiety related issue, that is how my dr diagnosed it.. I had this pre-kids.

 

 

I can empathize. For me motherhood just gave a new opportunity for it. I never got meds but do have better control of my mind, not that it's all sunshine and daisies in there everyday now.

[Crimson Wife]

Another was driving the van off the road into the freezing river. For three years I was *terrified* of driving over bridges, and where we lived? I couldn't drive out of town without crossing one. Bigs ones that went over a river like the Delaware.

 

 

I drive over the Bay Bridge multiple times per week, and it always makes me uneasy because of how it collapsed in the '89 earthquake & several cars drove right off the edge to the occupants' deaths. :scared: Intellectually, I know the chance of a big quake happening at the exact time we are on the bridge is low, but I still feel nervous until we are back on solid ground.

[Parrothead]

 

 

This was mine. That I put them in the oven. When was baking something, I'd always ask the olders WHERE The baby was, check the oven for me...

 

I never let them NEAR the kitchen. Another was driving the van off the road into the freezing river. For three years I was *terrified* of driving over bridges, and where we lived? I couldn't drive out of town without crossing one. Bigs ones that went over a river like the Delaware.

 

Now, every once in a while, I still freak about the oven. I never took anything for it, I knew what it was, and my Dr said it'd eventually pass. It did.

 

 

That was it exactly. When I was baking. I never told anyone. I was afraid they would take her from me. Now I know that it is somewhat normal I'm feeling better. The guilt is gone.

[GSOchristie]

When Asher was born, we lived in Louisville where they have a park right on the Ohio river. The sidewalk is right next to the river, like a deep part, with a retaining wall, not the shoreline. I would have these visions of dropping him in (on accident) and watching his face sink into the murky water. We never, ever went anywhere near the river again. I also have driving off a bridge visions, which I have shared before, and I practically have a panic attack when we have to drive over water.

 

http://www.google.com/search?q=louisville+park+on+ohio+river&hl=en&client=safari&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=tlMyUcCgIM-z0QGs5ICACw&ved=0CAkQ_AUoAQ&biw=768&bih=928#biv=i%7C12%3Bd%7C-5DNp9GD1xsxrM%3A

This is a picture of the exact spot I was thinking of, shudder.

[Melinda in VT]

This was mine. That I put them in the oven. When was baking something, I'd always ask the olders WHERE The baby was, check the oven for me...

 

I never let them NEAR the kitchen. Another was driving the van off the road into the freezing river. For three years I was *terrified* of driving over bridges, and where we lived? I couldn't drive out of town without crossing one. Bigs ones that went over a river like the Delaware.

 

Now, every once in a while, I still freak about the oven. I never took anything for it, I knew what it was, and my Dr said it'd eventually pass. It did.

 

I have the bridge issue. I discovered it when I was living in Newport, Rhode Island and working on the mainland. Two bridges each way, twice a day. Fun, fun.

[Word Nerd]

I would have nightmares like visiting the Grand Canyon and accidentally dropping my baby over a cliff. I had postpartum anxiety and had panic attacks whenever she was sick, especially if she had a fever of any kind.

[bpskowski]

Is the bridge thing something different? I've always had that. Driving over a bridge, I get this scary feeling that I am going to steer right over the edge. As for the babies, I was always hyper aware of other people when I was out in public. I was just waiting for someone to hijack my car with the kid in it. I'd be waiting for someone to try and steal my baby. Come on bring it on, come tangle with me! I used to wonder when I read stories in the paper why anyone would even attempt something with a new mama. Didn't they know we all turn into mama lions? But yeah, now I actually get sleep. Proper perspective has returned (I think).

[swellmomma]

I didn't have those thoughts in the early months, but oldest ds has certainly flipped the switch for them. Started when he was about 3 they became a regular occurance. He would take off out the door and I didn't know where he was and of cource every bad thought of what if creeped in. It became such a regular state to be in that I have those thoughts/worries almost daily now. I was getting better but now that he is working and I leave him at work, or leave the others at home to drop him off etc the thoughts are present the whole drive back and forth. The thoughts of me getting into an accident and the kids are left alone, or some crazy person holding up his place of work etc. The thoughts these days focus on me not being able to get to one or more of the kids, of us being separated and bad things happening. While I know the likelyhood is small, it did happen the 1st time I left ds9 to spend more than a weekend with gramma, he had a severe break in his arm and 10 months later the first time I let him go to an activity at camp without me he was in a car wreck etc. Certain situations make it worse, though I am doing better at training my mind to redirect the thoughts. For example, standing in line at the bank I 100% everytime have visions of bank robbers and having to protect my kids etc. I used to have that fear that went with it, but not anymore but I do always have an escape route/plan thought out. I don't go into buildings without checking where the exits are and a plan to kick some butt rofl. Yeah, I am a freak. I would have been better off with the occasional daymare when they were tiny.

 

I went from occasional daymares to non-stop worry with bouts of intense imagination. I don't let it stop me for living life as is, I don't have panic attacks but it has ruined my adrenal system.

[Catherine]

Mine anxieties are similar to yours, Swellmomma. I didn't really have them when they were babies-I actually felt very serene at times and life seemed slowed down for many months after they were born. It started when my eldest was walking-he was very active and quick and nearly got away from me a few times. I started having "daymares" of falls into water, falls off precipices, running into the road, those kinds of things. It seemed intolerable at times but is mostly confined to my children, not my dh, and mostly confined to their early childhoods. Youngest is now 11 and I have fewer and fewer of these with him now.

[justamouse]

 

I have the bridge issue. I discovered it when I was living in Newport, Rhode Island and working on the mainland. Two bridges each way, twice a day. Fun, fun.

 

 

Many people DO just have a fear of bridges or tunnels. This came with PPD with me, though, as I'd never had it before and it eventually went away.

[Heatherwith4]

I'm glad I'm not as much of a nutter as I thought! Or at least if I am, I'm not alone. :D

[Mom in High Heels]

I totally had this with both boys. I associated it with sleep deprivation. When Han Solo was 2 and half months old, Indy and I went to Paris for 4 days (he really needed some Mommy time) and James Bond stayed home with Han Solo. I should say that Han Solo was a good sleeper, but at that stage was still waking up every 2 hours to eat, so it was tiring. When we got back, JB told me he'd had all these horrible thoughts about HS getting hurt or JB accidentally dropping him or tripping and having HS fly out of his arms and hit the wall or something. He thought he was going insane until I told him I had similar thoughts. He felt much better after that (I think).

I have these same sorts of thoughts about JB when he's deployed (like right now!) and I know they are anxiety related. Every time our door bell rings my heart skips a beat because I just know it's a casualty assistance officer and a chaplain coming to tell me something has happened.

[JumpyTheFrog]

I had disturbing thoughts of throwing my kids down storm drains or over the second story railing at the mall until each of them looked like preschoolers and not toddlers. I am so relieved to find out this is common.

[Amy in NH]

When eldest was a newborn I had extreme anxiety about something bad happening to him. It wasn't me doing the harm, but I played out dozens of morbid scenarios in my mind each day. I didn't go out of the house with him for two weeks! Slowly the scenarios slowed and then faded, but I still have similar little anxiety pangs from time to time.

[Elinor Everywhere]

In my PP dreams I'd set my dd down, strapped in her car carrier, on top of the car while I was putting groceries in. Then I'd drive off with her still on the roof. Awful dreams.

[HappyLady]

Wow, I honestly thought I was the only person in the world who thought like this!! I was fine right after my DD was born, but when the weather started getting nice out (a few months later) we'd go on walks through the neighborhood. I live in a pretty quiet neighborhood and at first I loved it. Then, it started to creep me out. I realized I was the perfect target for someone who knew I'd be walking alone with my infant. Then one day there were some new builds going up in my neighborhood and one of the construction workers was in his truck, eating lunch I think. He looked at us. That's all it took for me never to take that route again, at least until I got a dog. And that's another thing, I was so scared walking my DD by myself and being home alone with her that I got a dog, some mace, and my DH bought me this baton that goes on my key chain.

 

With my DS, he slept so horribly at first that whenever he'd sleep longer than an hour during the night I'd wake up in a panic and swear he was dead. But I didn't want to be the one to discover him and I was literally paralyzed in fear. I'd start crying and thankfully that would be about when he'd make a noise and I knew he was ok.

 

I absolutely hate when my DH takes the kids anywhere without me and I make him stay in constant contact with me when he does. My DD spends the night at my sister's sometimes and I always think there's going to be a fire or something. I don't calm down until my DD is home.

 

So glad to know this is all "normal"! :)

[Elinor Everywhere]

I know how you feel. I have the same panic when someone else is watching my kids. But now that they're 15, it's much better.

 

When my dd was small (3-12ish), my parents would occasionally watch her while my dh and I went on a short vacation. I always told my mom, "I couldn't care less if she has fun - just keep her alive!" my mom would just shake her head and comment about raising 3 healthy kids to adulthood.... :D

[Wheres Toto]

Glad to see I'm not the only one. I still have this happen especially if we've been out somewhere unusual for us. I'll come home and start thinking about "what if..." scenarios. What if my attention wandered for a minute and I lost one of the kids, what if I looked the other way and they walked in front of a car, what if... They are older now but ds especially has very poor impulse control and no common sense.

 

Mine were always about dropping knives on the kids heads while they toddled around as I made diner. They're 8, 7, and 5 now and I still get flashes of car crashes, falling off balconies, etc. Maybe that's because I've been pregnant so often and the hormones just won't shut up.

 

I thought I was the only one who did that with balconies. I don't think I'll ever be able to stay in a hotel with a balcony ever again.

 

I would have nightmares like visiting the Grand Canyon and accidentally dropping my baby over a cliff.

 

I would have nightmares about the kids falling in the Grand Canyon. I've never even been there and we live on the other side of the country. I finally decided to Google "falling in the Grand Canyon deaths" figuring it would make me feel better knowing how ridiculous I was being. It didn't help, about 100 people die each year from falling in the Canyon.

[Excelsior! Academy]

I'm glad I'm not as much of a nutter as I thought! Or at least if I am, I'm not alone. :D

 

 

Totally agree!

 

When my youngest was a newborn I was terrified that someone would lay her in the floor and someone else would walk in the room, not knowing the baby was on the floor, and step on her. I purchased two bassinets in addition to her crib and bouncy seat so she would never be on the floor.

[Word Nerd]

I would have nightmares about the kids falling in the Grand Canyon. I've never even been there and we live on the other side of the country. I finally decided to Google "falling in the Grand Canyon deaths" figuring it would make me feel better knowing how ridiculous I was being. It didn't help, about 100 people die each year from falling in the Canyon.

 

 

My parents are newly retired and have talked about taking the grandkids on a trip with the camper sometime. One of their ideas was to take them to the Grand Canyon. Even now, the idea makes me nervous.

[Sukale]

The thoughts never happened to me. But my grandma told me that when my aunt was a baby she had a vision of her taking my aunt and drowning her in the creek in the back yard. It bothered her so bad that they moved from that house. She said it was so real to her. She pictured my grandpa coming home and finding her on her knees by the creek hold and crying over the dead baby, she even pictured the funereal for my aunt.

[kwickimom]

I would constantly think someone was going to break into my house and take my babies. Day or night. I was terrified that someone would just snatch them and I would never see them again. I would just sit there and sob thinking about the pain of it. I would feel guilty for having them because they were just going to get snatched by a monster. It was terrible!!