Addressing Race with a 5 yo

[Alexigail]

I'm starting to think about how to address race issues with my 5 year old. How do I give him a historical context as well as appropriate social skills to deal with these kinds of questions? I've given him a brief overview of religious differences, racial differences etc and how we are to approach everyone with love and interest. But I'm at a loss as to how to explain to someone so young some of the events that took place and aditudes that exist. My son is really inquisitive and simply won't accept watered down versions of things, so I try to be as honest as possible. We are also fortunate enough to encounter people from many races, religions, and walks of life though we live in a predominately white area. I'm not so concerned about how he will treat people, but I do want to make him aware of things that happened and how it's affected the world we live in today.

 

I'd love to hear your thoughts or maybe if you've seen good age appropriate resources on these subjects that would be great too. I remember that things like this weren't even addressed in my PS career until much later (slavery in 5th grade, Native histories in Jr. High, the Holocaust in 9th grade, and the Russian Revolution pretty much never) and I want him to have a much broader context than I got. (Not that any of these things are appropriate for a 5 yo, just saying that my experiences didn't really prepare me to understand these things.)

 

 

Thanks, everyone!

 

ETA I can tell that I didn't explain myself very well. I'm definitely NOT looking to go into detail about slavery, race relations, the holocaust etc. He's asking questions and I'd like to answer them appropriately without drawing too much attention to differences and making things worse. Sorry I'm not great at wording things.

[Catwoman]

 

I'm starting to think about how to address race issues with my 5 year old. How do I give him a historical context as well as appropriate social skills to deal with these kinds of questions? I've given him a brief overview of religious differences, racial differences etc and how we are to approach everyone with love and interest. But I'm at a loss as to how to explain to someone so young some of the events that took place and aditudes that exist. My son is really inquisitive and simply won't accept watered down versions of things, so I try to be as honest as possible. We are also fortunate enough to encounter people from many races, religions, and walks of life though we live in a predominately white area. I'm not so concerned about how he will treat people, but I do want to make him aware of things that happened and how it's affected the world we live in today.

 

I'd love to hear your thoughts or maybe if you've seen good age appropriate resources on these subjects that would be great too. I remember that things like this weren't even addressed in my PS career until much later (slavery in 5th grade, Native histories in Jr. High, the Holocaust in 9th grade, and the Russian Revolution pretty much never) and I want him to have a much broader context than I got.

 

I don't think you need to worry about providing a 5yo with a lot of detail.

 

Just because you have a bright and inquisitive child, does not mean that he is emotionally prepared to process the deeper aspects of racial issues.

 

Personally, I'm not even sure why you would want to make a big thing out of this with a 5yo. :confused: It sounds like you're already modeling good behaviors and tolerance toward others, so what's the point of going into the gory details of the Holocaust (or whatever?)

 

Your son has a lot of years ahead of him in which to learn all about the bad side of people. Why go into it all when he's 5? Maybe I'm in the minority, but I would much prefer to focus on the positive aspects of diversity with a 5yo, not get bogged down in the depressing and horrifying stuff.

[SKL]

Honestly, as the mom of two brown children, I recommend that you do not approach the negative stuff so early. In my experience, the lessons on Martin Luther King etc. give young children this message: "brown-skinned people are less-than." It seems kids hear the part about all the intelligent adults in society historically legitimizing racism, but they miss the part about that being wrong. Little kids aren't wired to think all the adults in society could be wrong.

 

Ever since my kids' first MLK lesson at age 5, they have been judging people, including themselves, based on skin color. Before, they didn't do that.

 

Instead, I suggest you make sure he sees examples in fiction and in real life of the good side of diversity. There is plenty of time for them to learn the bad stuff later.

[Cassy]

I wouldn't even attempt to get into racial and religious differences too deeply with my 5 yo, I really don't think he has the conceptual maturity. We have older boys too and matters of racial abuse and prejudice, and of religious differences, have been discussed at regular intervals. We do study slavery as part of our history sequence, probably not the Holocaust for quite some time. SWB's Story of the World has an excellent global view of history, to which you can, of course, supplement to whatever extent you so desire. I'm not sure what you mean by 'appropriate social skills'. I expect all my boys to treat everyone with kindness and respect, regardless of any differences, be it hair colour, skin colour, body size, socio-economic status, etc.

[Alexigail]

Personally, I'm not even sure why you would want to make a big thing out of this with a 5yo. :confused: It sounds like you're already modeling good behaviors and tolerance toward others, so what's the point of going into the gory details of the Holocaust (or whatever?)

 

 

Woah, OK I obviously gave to wrong impression of what I'm asking for. I'm not going to give him any gory deatils of anything. I'm not thinking oh he's five, better start teaching him about the horrors of the world :). I'm really asking for more general lessons on how to treat people with respect, and why that's important. He recently asked me if people can own other people and I said no it's against the law. He wanted to know why a law like that was necessary. I do think there are ways to give context without being overly detailed. I want the information to be age appropriate. I was really just saying that when I got to the point where I studied those things I had NO IDEA that they had happened and by then it was a very confusing thing to learn.

 

Thanks for your reply.

[Catwoman]

Woah, OK I obviously gave to wrong impression of what I'm asking for. I'm not going to give him any gory deatils of anything. I'm not thinking oh he's five, better start teaching him about the horrors of the world :). I'm really asking for more general lessons on how to treat people with respect, and why that's important. He recently asked me if people can own other people and I said no it's against the law. He wanted to know why a law like that was necessary. I do think there are ways to give context without being overly detailed. I want the information to be age appropriate. I was really just saying that when I got to the point where I studied those things I had NO IDEA that they had happened and by then it was a very confusing thing to learn.

 

Thanks for your reply.

 

Oh! OK!!! I completely misinterpreted your post -- you were asking about how to address race issues with your ds, and I thought you wanted to be completely factual and detailed when you said,

But I'm at a loss as to how to explain to someone so young some of the events that took place and aditudes that exist. My son is really inquisitive and simply won't accept watered down versions of things, so I try to be as honest as possible.

 

I'm quite relieved to learn that I was wrong! :)

[SKL]

Perhaps find some examples from really long ago and far away, as opposed to stuff that is still a hot button in the USA today.

 

I have a daughter who asked those types of questions quite young. We watched some good movies that were a little old for her age, but she has a high-level understanding of many things. When watching The King and I, the sub-story of Tuptin affected her and we talked about how in those days in that place, women and foreigners could be treated as if they were less than full people, and even abused. A bit later we watched The Ten Commandments and got into a good discussion about slavery from the perspective of the Israelites in Egypt. There was no element of race in that discussion, and since it was a distant topic, we were able to go somewhat deep into it without anyone getting warped. (She was still quite horrified that humans could do that to each other.) She was about 4 at that time.

[Alexigail]

Instead, I suggest you make sure he sees examples in fiction and in real life of the good side of diversity. There is plenty of time for them to learn the bad stuff later.

 

Thanks, this is helpful.

[Arcadia]

He recently asked me if people can own other people and I said no it's against the law. He wanted to know why a law like that was necessary. .

 

We explain that in the context of how monarchy works in ancient times in places like Egypt, China, Europe where the king has absolute power. Also an age appropriate overview of colonialisation. We did not do that in terms of race.

[stripe]

I really recommend Does Anybody Else Look Like Me?: A Parent's Guide To Raising Multiracial Children by Donna Jackson Nakazawa

http://www.amazon.co.../dp/0738209503/

and Nurture Shock by Po Bronson and Ashley Merryman

http://www.amazon.co.../dp/0446504130/

 

Does Anybody Else Look Like Me? is especially helpful if your kids are of a mixed or different ethnic background than you, and includes a lot of suggestions about dealing with overly inquisitive strangers as well as weird relatives, with the aim of standing up for and protecting your child in those situations, but I think it could give suggestions for POSITIVE discussions about race and culture even for families not in that situation. I also think Nurture Shock is a great book for people who may feel clueless or tempted not to talk about race/ethnicity, in suggesting why it's helpful to do so in a positive and informative way.

 

ETA I'd also read picture books about people of different backgrounds, not necessarily *about* their culture, but just ones with a mixed cast (Ezra Jack Keats is good for this). Don't only stick with the oldies, because they are mostly white kids. The other thing is read books that are explicitly about other cultures, but sticking to positive books rather than a book about some horror. "Heart and Soul" is an example of a book about the African American historical experience that is not scary or awful, but is probably above the head of a 5 yo. I'd stick with nice books about American kids of varying ethnicities and kids around the world for now.

[Alexigail]

I'm quite relieved to learn that I was wrong! :)

 

I totally see how I came across that way. I do want to be honest, but I don't think that all subjects are appropriate for all ages. I was thinking more that I don't want to be misleading about things. Like when he asked me if boys are better than girls and I was like :glare: . It brought on about a million questions about why there are different toys for boys, why mommies stay home instead of daddies etc. He has a lot of misconceptions and I want to be honest with him without making things more confusing or making too big a deal out of it.

[Orthodox6]

In our family, such topics arose naturally. When one of our dc asked a question, s/he was ready for an answer.

 

I think our eldest was maybe four when he noticed for the first time that he had black friends and asked us about it. We just told him that God makes people in many shapes, sizes, and colours, and that is a wonderful thing about the world. Simple question, simple answer, no resultant problems -- ever.

 

Treating people with respect is modeled-and-copied behaviour. If an age-peer injects some wrong talk or wrong behaviour, just discuss your family's values with your children. Yes, this will require teaching what you believe is right. Sometimes topics do come up when a child is too young to undergo a very rude awakening about the world. Trust your parenting skills for what to say and for what to delay.

 

When my oldest two were little, I volunteered at a center for battered women and children. When the boys would ask where I was going, I told them that I helped at "a place for sad mommies." They took me at face value, and asked no additional questions.

 

Are boys better than girls? No. Are girls better than boys? No. People are people. I think that should work for age five!

[Irene Lynn]

I have actually discussed this a fair amount with my son, who just turned 6. We have read books about Squanto, Harriet Tubman (because I think she was so cool), and George Washington Carver (who was also a great example of a person who did not let difficulty become an excuse) They were treated badly and beautifully, depending on the person. We talk about how people are often looking for ways that they can think they are superior to others so they make up ways. If they don't understand something about the other person, that is an easy place to start. Sometimes people do mean things to others out of ignorance and sometimes because they are bullies and sometimes because they are afraid to be different from others who are treating others badly. Sometimes it is just convenient for economic reasons. I make sure that he sees that this type of behavior happens everywhere. Sometimes it is done on a big scale, when one people group generally is mean to another, sometimes it just happens between two people. I talk to him about being the strong person, who will stand up for others. We have talked more than this, but the main points are: God made variety, because he loves variety; people are people everywhere and throughout time; a major part of ds's character will be determined by how he treats others. I try to teach him compassion for all sides of the issue. That doesn't at all mean that I condone certain behavior, but I try to see the fear, or foolishness, or arrogance, or ignorance behind the bad behavior. Those issues are more important to me than the outcome. If they are dealt with then the effects fall away. It is never done, because people continue to be born with the same tendencies as the billions of people who have already been born.

 

Yes, I talk this way with my young children. It isn't like we talk all the time about these topics, but when it comes up, we do talk for a little while. It can be done graciously without going over the depth of the wickedness/evil to which some have stooped and the great sorrow that has come from it.

 

He has also been exposed to people who are different in appearance and culture in a positive way.