Balancing the Needs of Gifted Kids and Gifted Parents

[JumpyTheFrog]

women with children are distracted indeed

 

Isn't that the truth!

 

Okay, how do we find women (or men, for that matter) to have intellectual discussions with away from our kids? Any ideas besides book clubs and Meetup groups? Sometimes the internet (even this forum) just isn't enough...

[ebunny]

 

... this reminds me of my friends at the women's college attended -- all of us had mainly male friends in high school, and were astonished to find how much we liked women! we finally decided that women are awesome, but women around men were perhaps something different; and women with children are distracted indeed ...

 

Aaah, college! The days when we could have platonic male friends without being misunderstood. The women were great to chat with too, but like you said, they're not completely themselves around men.

 

 

 

[serendipitous journey]

If you are in a family where at least one parent and at least one child seem to be gifted, how to you balance the needs? Especially if the mom is the gifted one and is homeschooling? It seems like it must be very difficult to meet the needs of kids who want to do "more, more, more" and still have time left to yourself to meet your own need for, as Johnny Number 5 would say (from the movie "Short Circuit'), "Input, more input!"

 

Any stories anybody would like to share? Does it get easier once the kids are past a certain age?

 

OK, taking all the above hints (prob. not aimed at me personally, but still ...) and responding to the OP.

 

I haven't the earthliest whether it gets easier as they get older -- mine are 7 and 2 -- but I suspect so, esp. if they are boys and you are pretty firm for the first several years.

 

So much depends on the details of the children & of the parents. For instance, Button (7 yo) is incredibly intense and structure-requiring. He NEEDS formal work 6 days/week but doesn't esp. LIKE it. With the result that he's wrapping up Singapore 5B and he doesn't like doing his math. I would be pretty happy with a relaxed approach, but the child cracks up. He's been exhausting, and actually this finishing-5B think is totally kicking me in the tushie: I though we had until June.

 

BotBot is pretty demanding in spurts, but nothing like his older brother, thank goodness. I wouldn't change my sweet, cuddly, affectionate Button for the world; but I don't know what I'd do with two like that.

 

So that's what I'm dealing with, roughly, on the child front. DH and I are both hi-IQ people, and both children are clearly on the "gifted" spectrum. I am fortunate that DH appreciates what I do & is sympathetic to how hard it is, and believes my mental health is important & would support me doing something else.

 

There have been times when I've gotten totally run down and teary, and it is no good for anybody. Then there was the time a couple of months ago when I lightened Button's school load, got regular exercise and enough rest and felt GREAT physically but Button was a mess. So clearly balance is necessary. What the balance is changes all the time, for the children keep changing & I keep getting older & then things happen in the world around us. At the moment my priorities are: children's basic welfare; Button's school; a clean home; exercise; eating better each month (January saw me instituting healthy breakfasts for myself, February has seen a great improvement in the # of veggies in my lunch, and so on); getting enough rest. The clean home is for me, I am so much happier in a neat home. It's sort of demoralizing to see how dependent my attitude is on my environment but hey, I have to pick my battles.

 

I read stupid, stupid literature before bed. Right now some pretty ridiculous -- but compelling, nevertheless -- Sci-Fi steampunky series. Before that Dune, which at least got editorial reviews and wasn't as embarrassing. Before that it was Stoics & history before bed but I slept terribly. So I accept my personal limitations and do not try to read Improving Materials before I fall asleep.

 

I live off of green tea. It is one of my little vices. The other is chocolate. I used to measure the goodness of a day by how much of it went by before I seriously considered shutting myself in the pantry with the chocolate. Things are better lately ...

 

I have asked the children to just not speak for a couple of minutes.

 

They usually get a "quiet time" of about 45 minutes. Because the tot was making a mess of this, I stick them in their father's "study" with a DVD instead of having them play with imaginative toys on their beds, or reading books.

 

When their father is traveling they often get dinner at a little table in front of a science documentary or a Magic School Bus episode so that I can have a quiet meal and read something.

 

When desperately tired or discouraged, Button gets a video instead of a bedtime story. Otherwise I read to him 5 nights/week for about 30 min.

 

I also focus on parenting first, above the academics per se. So being gentle & consistent & training good habits trumps academic progress (though this often bugs me, I'd rather Move Forward!). Seeing my job as raising & growing, rather than educating, persons is often centering.

 

(ETA: for the intellectual stuff, I do some books on topics we study & try to read Foreign Affairs, the Economist, and the Christian Science Monitor -- that's not esp. intellectual but is to give a perspective different to the New York Times which everybody else around here reads -- whenever possible.)

 

and the last thought is that I try to live a life I'd want for my children. If my child (or his wife :) ) were living my life, how would I feel about it? and I try to adjust accordingly. I so much want the children to grow to be good, well people (happy in the eudaimonia, not giggly, sense of the word) and I firmly believe my best shot at this is to model living such a life. Now I totally fall short of this! but it is the goal, and as a goal modeling well-being and the life well-lived (or the good life, or whatever you would call it) is a goal that involves balancing my needs with theirs.

Edited March 1, 2013 by serendipitous journey

[quark]

Halcyon, Mukmuk says it so well...I love the imagery of it all...and for some reason, I keep picturing you with a gleam in your eye while your patients repose in peaceful slumber lol.

 

Ana, that was wonderful to read. Thank you for sharing it with us. I often forget what it was like bringing up DS when he was younger and your post reminded me...so in that sense at least, it has gotten much easier with him being older...but oh, if only other things wouldn't come creeping up at each most-unexpected moment. But I am grateful for what we have and what we have achieved and shouldn't complain.

 

OP, I can only think of meeting interesting people sans kids through some sort of weekend membership event or drop-in public event e.g. rocketry associations/ star gazing parties, science lectures given at your local university and so on. Keep going frequently and you often end up seeing the same people there. These are some of the avenues I really hope to take advantage of more often once I have the time and DS feels more comfortable (or maybe even looks forward to) not needing to be with mom all the time.

[serendipitous journey]

OP, I can only think of meeting interesting people sans kids through some sort of weekend membership event or drop-in public event e.g. rocketry associations/ star gazing parties, science lectures given at your local university and so on. Keep going frequently and you often end up seeing the same people there. These are some of the avenues I really hope to take advantage of more often once I have the time and DS feels more comfortable (or maybe even looks forward to) not needing to be with mom all the time.

 

 

... that's a terrific idea! I'd completely forgotten about university- and college- sponsored events ... if there is a college nearby, there is sure to be something going on there. And I know people who have really enjoyed joining choirs associated with colleges/universities -- that's how my Jewish immigrant MIL learned all her showtunes! (she reports that an outstanding voice is not required, often, just some practice & a good will) The other folks at such things are often interesting & interested.

 

I'll join you, though, in waiting for the littles to mature a bit before really trying for such connections; I hope your wait is shorter than mine, you've already put in your little-years time! :)

[brendag]

I'm really enjoying reading this thread!

 

My DH was identified as gifted as a child and we started noticing signs in my DS when he was 3. It was only when we went to a therapist who specializes in gifted children/adults (6 months ago) that my own life actually started to make more sense. I'm still trying to wrap my brain around that one. The hard part for me especially was reading about the over-excitabilities. I always knew I was different, but could never quite figure out why. I would joke with my husband that I was just "overly complicated, overly sensitive" type of gal. :)

 

So I'm definitely introverted and never would have thought about homeschooling until we realized my son would not have access to the resources he needed. I do love getting into deep conversations with people, but small groups or one on one. Luckily my husband and one of my dear friends like to as well. I definitely love people, but they wear me out so I have to recharge after any get together. So many people I know just do not really understand this. I don't expect them to get it, but it has made for some "interesting" discussions.

 

I think the biggest challenge so far with homeschooling is that my DD is an extrovert and with everyone else being introverts, I am trying to go against my own strong introverted desires in order to provide her with the social opportunities she needs. Add my DS's non-stop chatter and questions and it makes for a very tired momma at the end of the day...mentally tired. I absolutely love homeschooling in general, even though it's only been for a short time (2 years), and find the research I put into it stimulating as I LOVE research.

 

One of my passions was genealogy before having kids. Starting around 18 (before Ancestry.com), I often enjoyed hanging out in libraries/cemeteries/churches with the older folks. Now that I think about it, my other hobbies (knitting, reading) make me sound really old. :tongue_smilie: I too always wanted to learn an instrument, so 6 months ago we bought a digital piano. Luckily my DH is very supportive with me pursuing my hobbies. They are what keep me sane. I have had to put genealogy on the back burner temporarily, but I know that when the kids get older, it will be waiting for me.

 

A few months ago I decided that I really needed to stop putting everyone else ahead of myself...all the time. I started exercising because I needed to, but now I know I will feel better in the long run even though I do not love doing it. Slow and steady. I feel I can't really be a good (much less great) teacher if I'm crashing and burning because I haven't taken care of myself and my needs to some extent. I'm getting "re-edumacated" myself along the way. It's a wild and crazy ride and there are some days when I just want to get off, but I mostly find myself getting back in line for another go! :D

 

Brenda

[serendipitous journey]

...

 

A few months ago I decided that I really needed to stop putting everyone else ahead of myself...all the time. I started exercising because I needed to, but now I know I will feel better in the long run even though I do not love doing it. Slow and steady. I feel I can't really be a good (much less great) teacher if I'm crashing and burning because I haven't taken care of myself and my needs to some extent. I'm getting "re-edumacated" myself along the way. It's a wild and crazy ride and there are some days when I just want to get off, but I mostly find myself getting back in line for another go! :D

 

Brenda

 

 

it is so hard not to do everything else first! I rarely have a really, thoroughly restful break b/c my mind only seems to be thoroughly mellow when most of the loose ends are tied up and I'm "ahead". It's been years since that happened, and years until it's likely to again!

 

the re-edumacation is one of the best payoffs. -- and do you do classes &c for your extrovert? is that helpful? maybe online discussion classes when the age & interest is right ... mine are both Meyers-Brigg introverts but apparently talking with Mama is even more like being alone than being alone is, when a person is little. I can't imagine an extrovert on my hands! thanks for raising one -- they are terrific gifts in the world! :)

[brendag]

it is so hard not to do everything else first! I rarely have a really, thoroughly restful break b/c my mind only seems to be thoroughly mellow when most of the loose ends are tied up and I'm "ahead". It's been years since that happened, and years until it's likely to again!

 

I understand. It is a huge challenge for me as well. I'm always trying to find the best way to organize everything and even that turns into a project in itself! :p

 

the re-edumacation is one of the best payoffs. -- and do you do classes &c for your extrovert? is that helpful? maybe online discussion classes when the age & interest is right ... mine are both Meyers-Brigg introverts but apparently talking with Mama is even more like being alone than being alone is, when a person is little. I can't imagine an extrovert on my hands! thanks for raising one -- they are terrific gifts in the world! :)

 

 

Right now my kids are getting play time at the park with other kids since they are just 5 1/2. We are definitely looking at art/dance/drama type classes for my dd soon depending on how much time/money we can allocate to those. This is a girl who wants to do everything! :)

[triadofchaos]

What a great topic! Balance is tough in our house full of weirdos. :)

 

I'm a RAGING extrovert, so I have a huge need for heaps of intelligent dialog and debate with those who can hold their own with me. Sadly, these days I get most of that online. I have a terrible FB addiction. We moved overseas nine months ago and I'm still working on establishing meaningful connections here in rural Australia. I'm usually cautious about how fast I peel back the layers, so to speak, on my crazy need to deconstruct the world around me out loud with other people. I have to ease people into hanging out with me! Lol! If I let every scrape of dialogue in my head come out my mouth, I'd constantly have potential friends running away screaming!

 

My kids are split. I have two introverts and an extrovert. All three are 2E in different ways, with an array of strengths and weaknesses, so that keeps me on my toes right there. Managing their educations requires an intense amount of research and creativity on my part. My DH is a strong introvert along with a hefty helping of combat PTSD he's slowly but surely working through. He also works 6 days a week, so most of the time it's me and the kids.

 

Volunteer work in the community has been a good thing for all of us. I read and read and read and read. I am in a book club that reads pretty "literary" works and actually discusses them thoroughly, so I look forward to that every month. And I do some freelance writing at this point, which gives me an outlet for all the thoughts & analysis that piles up in my head waiting to get out. I also just began a distance learning program and I try to go out for coffee & dessert with new friends every couple of weeks. Oh- and I watch a fair amount of vapid reality television after everyone else goes to bed in order to give my brain a break and wind it down at the end of the day. Guilty pleasure. Just in the last couple of months, I re-engaged my creative, artsy side. I joined a community theatre production of The King and I and I submitted a painting to a local International Women's Day art exhibit/competition.

 

I've yet to hit the perfect balance though. Heaps of times I either feel like I'm not doing enough for myself or I'm getting too wrapped up in my own passions and neglecting the rest of the family. It's rare that I step back and look and say, wow- check out the great balance! You do what you can, I think. The kids are always growing and changing so fast, so they're needs are always changing. It's a continual process of adjustment and growth for all of us.

[Embassy]

One of my passions was genealogy before having kids. Starting around 18 (before Ancestry.com), I often enjoyed hanging out in libraries/cemeteries/churches with the older folks. Now that I think about it, my other hobbies (knitting, reading) make me sound really old. :tongue_smilie:

 

 

Nah, not too old! I would often go to the library on the weekend as a teen and spend time doing genealogical research. There was no one close to my age there.

[Woodland Mist Academy]

One of my best friends in high school and college was 90ish. The stories she told! :smilielol5: and :ohmy: and :svengo:

 

I miss her. :sad:

[texasmama]

Working part time has fulfilled my need for intellectual and social stimulation. I was miserable in every possible way when I was home alone with babies/toddlers (for about 7 years...a long time to be miserable). My profession allows for many different types of part-time opportunities. In the past several years, I have done therapy, taught as an adjunct instructor (mostly grad level courses), provided clinical supervision to other professionals who are seeking an advanced licensure, and done utilization management, my current part-time gig. The UM job is not in and of itself intellectually stimulating, but my officemate has her Ph.D and is very extroverted, and my supervisor is an intellectual introvert. Catch him on a trip out of his "man cave" office, and he will bend your ear on a variety of intellectual and interesting topics. Even though I am an extrovert, I tend to be drawn to introverts because many of them are deep thinkers...and if the extroverts stay quiet long enough, the introverts have a lot of interesting things to say. (Don't really know if I consider myself highly gifted or not, BTW...just adding what I can to this fun conversation.) :)

[dharmacat]

Mascara is now smeared onto my eyelids from reading this entire thread without sufficient blinking and since (full disclosure) I am at work today, am not a speed reader, and get completely engrossed in the words of "soulmates" such as I feel many of you to be, the mascara is the least of my concerns right now. ;) Connections like this are manna for the introvert soul.

[brendag]

There have been times when I've gotten totally run down and teary, and it is no good for anybody. Then there was the time a couple of months ago when I lightened Button's school load, got regular exercise and enough rest and felt GREAT physically but Button was a mess. So clearly balance is necessary. What the balance is changes all the time, for the children keep changing & I keep getting older & then things happen in the world around us. At the moment my priorities are: children's basic welfare; Button's school; a clean home; exercise; eating better each month (January saw me instituting healthy breakfasts for myself, February has seen a great improvement in the # of veggies in my lunch, and so on); getting enough rest. The clean home is for me, I am so much happier in a neat home. It's sort of demoralizing to see how dependent my attitude is on my environment but hey, I have to pick my battles.

 

and the last thought is that I try to live a life I'd want for my children. If my child (or his wife :) ) were living my life, how would I feel about it? and I try to adjust accordingly. I so much want the children to grow to be good, well people (happy in the eudaimonia, not giggly, sense of the word) and I firmly believe my best shot at this is to model living such a life. Now I totally fall short of this! but it is the goal, and as a goal modeling well-being and the life well-lived (or the good life, or whatever you would call it) is a goal that involves balancing my needs with theirs.

 

 

 

I completely get this. As to the clean house...well, for me if my house is dirty, it just adds more chaos. My house doesn't have to be spotless, but visual clutter makes my brain feel cluttered in a weird way and it is only that way with my house. I just accept it as well. :)

 

I've also noticed that my son actually does better with more structured learning. I wanted to be a bit more carefree, but it just had the opposite effect of what I was hoping for. He has thrived with gentle structure and routine in almost every other way so I'm not that surprised.

 

Regarding the last quoted paragraph. I love this! I think looking at what I'm doing through a different lens so to speak might help, especially when the perfectionist part of my personality goes a little overboard and I'm spending too much time worrying about all of the little details. I sure wouldn't want that for my kids.

 

Brenda

 

ETA: In response to the OP. One thing that I'm thinking about is joining a SENG support group or a local gifted homeschooling group. I love the idea of these and feel like I'd probably meet other adults who are going through some of the same issues with their kids (and possibly themselves). The introvert in me would have to overcome the anxiety about joining yet another group though. :lol: