I talked to my sister yesterday...frustrated I guess this jawm...

[bettyandbob]

She said she just wanted to chat. OK. I guess I wish we were closer, but we are not. We never have been. She is older. So, she asks about my life and my dc. I tell her some nice stuff. I tell her positive stuff. I don't want to dwell too much on negative, but there's definitely negative and really she knows this stuff. I guess I think she's just so self centered that maybe she forgets about what I'm dealing with or thinks it can't be that bad.

 

Then, she proceeds to start crying about her arm. She had total shoulder replacement 2 years ago. She's an athlete so going through this was hard. She's upset now that her arm doesn't and won't work like it did when she was 22. She's in her mid 50s. She can do a lot. She can do a lot more than many (maybe most) people in their mid 50s.

 

I just wanted to scream I would cut my arm off if that would take away the fact that my ds appears no longer able to read or make academic progress, if I knew I would have the financial stability I need to care for ds for the rest of his life because there are no options otherwise in my state. Meanwhile she has a good income, healthy retirement plan, healthy dc finishing high school and college and she can still do some sports, maybe not the same ones she used to.

 

I'm pretty spent emotionally and have been for years. It's difficult sometimes for me to have what most people would think is an appropriate response to some events anymore, because I am spent. My sister does know all my family has been through (way more than listed above). Maybe if you want empathy you need to pick the person you are seeking empathy from wisely. It was all I could do to say something nicely about her situation being "too bad" and suggest she should go watch the moving she had mentioned she was planning on watching with her dd.

 

I just have a hard time understanding her and I don't know if I'll ever feel close to her. For many years, she whined about never having money. She's always had cars that were less than 5 years old (usually an SUV and a sedan). Her family take a vacation every year (not always fabulous, but the minimum is renting a beach house for a week). Her family has a nice large single family home and good sized yard (I live in a town house, I don't want a yard, but dh would like a garage).

 

I am fine with the way my family lives, but it's really annoying when she complains to me about not having "enough". It's just generally very frustrating to talk to her when conversations roll around to life being bad when I see life for her looks pretty easy. Perhaps life isn't easy and she's just not telling me what the real problem is, but I can't see it.

[Rebecca VA]

I'd tell her, gently. She is your sister, and she needs to know that her complaining about petty things is hurting you. It would be far better to compose a nice e-mail or letter to her asking her to be more diplomatic than for you to *snap* one day and destroy your relationship.

 

She might surprise you in a good way. It's worth trying.

[shinyhappypeople]

Do you have access to mental health counseling? It sounds like you're stuck in your pain and could use some extra support. :grouphug:

[bettyandbob]

Do you have access to mental health counseling? It sounds like you're stuck in your pain and could use some extra support. :grouphug:

 

 

I'm actually a lot better than I have been in previous years. Generally, I spend any "extra" I have on meeting my dc's medical needs. I finally started to make sure I was getting regular care for physical problems and that's where I have to be on what I like to call "recreational medical spending for a while". I have a couple friends I talk to IRL and that's great. Talking to me sister often reminds me of "how not great" things are and it also reminds me that we aren't really close and maybe we never will be and that kind of stinks. One of my IRL friends was telling me how lucky I was to have a sister. I don't think I have the kind of sister she dreams about having. I know some people have that kind of sister. I just don't.

[LibraryLover]

So sorry. :(

[AK_Mom4]

:grouphug: :grouphug: betty :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

Sounds like she was looking for a sympathetic ear and you just aren't in that place right now. Good for you to be able to be polite about it.

 

ETA: maybe next time she calls tell her that things are crappy at your house but you don't want to go into details. Maybe that will help her know not to dump her troubles on you. Sometimes the load we carry is enough.

[Anne in CA]

I have a friend who points out that a pebble in the road can be very irritating if your road is always smooth and paved. If you live on a gravel road, you are not bothered by a few pebbles. I do think your sister should know better than to complain to you like that, but maybe she is trying to let you know her life is not perfect and maybe she wants to feel closer to you. I'm sorry though, I have a Bible study where so many people have really big problems, that I feel I never get to make a request for myself because none of us have cancer, or a disabled child, or a child in jail, and both dh and I have jobs. So, I am a little sympathetic to your sister, lol, but she should not be using you to cry to. She must have friends who would feel that the shoulder thing was really bad.

[Danestress]

This actually seems like something that happens between women - sisters, friends, neighbors. Your sister, wishing she were closer to you, does what a lot of women do when they want more intimacy - she shares her problems. But rather than making you feel closer to her and confided in, it makes you feel angry and misunderstood, because your problems are bigger than her problems and she is failing to recognize that.

 

Perhaps you both want the same thing - to be closer. But she is going about it by trying to get sympathy when she really needs to give it. And honestly, it sounds like the same could be said of you. Even though your problems are no doubt bigger, if you give her what she needs (recognition of her struggle, attention, love, an ear, concern) she might become closer to you and more able to give those things back to you, and it sounds like you also need those things.

 

I'm sorry. It sounds really hard and sad. Are your parents living?

[Catwoman]

:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

I'm so sorry, Betty. :(

[caroljenn]

I have a friend who points out that a pebble in the road can be very irritating if your road is always smooth and paved. If you live on a gravel road, you are not bothered by a few pebbles. I do think your sister should know better than to complain to you like that, but maybe she is trying to let you know her life is not perfect and maybe she wants to feel closer to you. I'm sorry though, I have a Bible study where so many people have really big problems, that I feel I never get to make a request for myself because none of us have cancer, or a disabled child, or a child in jail, and both dh and I have jobs. So, I am a little sympathetic to your sister, lol, but she should not be using you to cry to. She must have friends who would feel that the shoulder thing was really bad.

 

This is true. I know some people like this too. I want to scream sometimes. But I don't. I just complain to DH! Poor guy!

 

For you, I don't have any advice. Just :grouphug:

[cin]

I go through this with 'only' having 2 kids. Yes, I know it's only 2, but some days it's more than I can take! And I am careful to NOT complain to my mom friends with 4+ kids because I feel like a schmuck complaining about it. I do have 2 or 3 close friends who I can vent too, because they know the whole story about my oldest dd. But even then, I need to be careful, because her special needs are relatively minor.

 

If her shoulder causes her pain, then I would gently say to OP that chronic pain can wear a person down very quickly, especially if this pain is in her dominant shoulder.

 

It is very hard to put ourselves in other people's shoes and understand what they are going through. It is said that 90% of people would quickly go back to their own struggles once they get a glimpse into the world and struggles of someone else.

[Melissa in Australia]

:grouphug:

[elfgivas]

:grouphug: :grouphug: i am so sorry about your ds. it is just so so sad. :grouphug: :grouphug:

 

maybe with your sister you could just practice your reflective listening, as an academic exercise. it might well meet her needs without engaging your emotions quite the same way.

eg. "i am so frustrated with my stupid arm. i can't do anything the way i used to be able to. i thought with the replacement it would be way it used to be and it isn't."

 

you: "you sound really frustrated. you wanted to be able to swim/play tennis/golf the way you used to, and you can't."

 

then you listen. then you reflect back again what you are hearing, and maybe ask a question. "is it very painful?" or "have you been able to tell you doctor about your frustration? what do they say?"

 

and then if you really do want to be closer to her, you need to willing to share how you are really feeling, rather than just the good things.

 

there is actually a segue here that might work. "its hard when things don't turn out the way you expect. its like that with my ds. my heart breaks when i think of the future i imagined for him when he was little, and it just isn't turning out like that at all. i know i need to get myself to just accept the way things are, but its just so unfair".

 

i wish for you a path opening, and a lightening of the burden.

 

:grouphug: :grouphug:

ann

[bettyandbob]

Thank you for the replies.

 

My sister for years has whined about petty stuff. I think this may be the "real thing" she has complained to me about and I wasn't in the right mindset to hear it.

 

I talked to my brother this morning (we walk together a couple times a week). He works with my sister. I didn't say I thought sis was whining, I just asked his take on the situation. He says she does not have chronic pain. He thinks sis and the doctors did not communicate well. Along the lines of the doctor saying that her shoulder will work better than it has been and sis taking that to mean the shoulder would work like it did when she was a teen aged jock. He thinks the doctor may have raised her hopes too much. And she is terribly disappointed that her recovery has been long and she won't have the level of recovery she wanted.

 

I do know about doctors not being specific and giving unrealistic expectations. Multiple doctors last fall suggested "everything" would change for my ds with his surgery in December. To the point a few suggested the his speech would drastically increase. My ds's sleep has improved a little, but he isn't talking more than 2 words at a time. This is the level he was before the surgery. The thing is, I didn't believe the surgery would work like the magic ds doctors suggested, I've been disappointed by over expectation of outcomes too many times.

 

I guess my sister just believed her surgery would be the magic cure. I suspect her outcome is in the middle to lower end of positive results.

 

With that, I think I can talk to her with more empathy now. I do wish she'd have some empathy for the ringers I've been through, but I will move on.

[Joanne]

{{{Betty}}} Hugs for your life situation. As one poster who understands unrelenting stress, I think I get your frustration.

 

I have a sister whose sharings seem trivial in contrast to mine. I try, sometimes successfully, to match her sharing with the listening ear she expects.

[Trish]

Is she fair with you? If she gets to tell you her troubles expecting sympathy, does she do likewise with you?