ProudGrandma Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 that I do understand things when she expresses them to me? I mean, whenever she has a problem with something, she tells me and if I either don't have the perfect answer or I don't side with her "I don't understand". What do I do with this?? Most recent example: she has a scab on her face, she picks on it. She can't seem to keep her hands off it. No matter what I say, no matter what suggestion I give, either I "don't understand" or she has a reason why that won't work. But this also applies when she tattles on her brothers and I don't take her side...."I just don't understand"....I can repeat exactly what she said to me and yet "I don't understand"...HELP me!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wonderchica Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 She's twelve. She's not supposed to think you understand her and her complex feelings/emotions/life :p Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeindeed Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Ah, the preteen years.....I feel your pain. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bettyandbob Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 The truth is you really don't understand. You've never been a kid. You've never been a twelve year old girl. You cannot possibly understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 You could preface everything with, "Not that I would understand, but picking a scab does not speed healing." :laugh: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 I've noticed that my kids often just want me to listen and not give advice (much like I want DH to just listen to me). ;) Maybe you could try not giving any advice for awhile (unless it's a serious health or safety issue, of course) and just say things like "I can see why that bothers you" or "That sounds difficult". Just mirror her emotions or feelings back to her without any advice or judgment of the situation on your part. My kids are younger, but I use this quite a bit and it's amazing how quickly they calm down and get over whatever is bothering them - just because they feel understood. They seem to feel much more heard and understood if I just empathize and don't give any advice or solutions. Again, I don't have a 12 year old so I'm sure it's more difficult when the hormones kick in. Just wanted to share this approach as I've really noticed a positive difference when I use it with my kids. :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AKshanmar Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 LOL.... I think I'm going into old lady mode! I'm sitting here looking at my youngest child who is 15, and thinking, I don't remember her ever acting like that. When in reality, all of my kids at 12 were completely and totally irrational, barely tolerable, obnoxious, grumpy, reducing me to a screaming maniac...etc, and she was the worst. But now, a mere three years later, I can't even remember (oh wait, one instance just came to mind... :cursing: ) ok, I can barely remember that relationship. Now we have the new improved relationship which is really pretty nice. So hang in there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NotSoObvious Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Wait...you mean in two years, "Get your hands off your face," isn't going to work anymore?!? ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 "You don't understand." "The dinosaurs were alive when you were my age." "Times have changed Mommmmmmmm." All above said with eye roll and tears. In a couple of years, you will be intelligent again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyS Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 that I do understand things when she expresses them to me? I mean, whenever she has a problem with something, she tells me and if I either don't have the perfect answer or I don't side with her "I don't understand". What do I do with this?? Most recent example: she has a scab on her face, she picks on it. She can't seem to keep her hands off it. No matter what I say, no matter what suggestion I give, either I "don't understand" or she has a reason why that won't work. But this also applies when she tattles on her brothers and I don't take her side...."I just don't understand"....I can repeat exactly what she said to me and yet "I don't understand"...HELP me!!!! Just say, "Yeah. You got the short end of the stick...stupid mom and all. Must be tough for you." Then walk away. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Maybe all she needs is a hug and for you to say "I'm sorry" or "I understand." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Got a twelve yo girl------ when you figure it out, let me know. Lara (sitting at the corner of mean and stupid) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lara in Colo Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 Honestly, I do try to let her know that I have been there in as many things as I can. I let her off of school on those really emotional days when I can see she just cannot cope-- but not with the " just go" attitude, more like "I see that your hormones are making it hard today-- why don't you just take a break" I do a lot of "I understand" and then I bore her with a related incident from my childhood-- where my mother did such and such or my best friend was "just awful"-- I still get the "you don't understand" -- but really just when I refuse to listen to her during an emotion- charged argument. I do listen when she calms down. I also do some pampering--- "go take a hot bath-- that always make me feel better when I am upset" You need to start treating here like a female--- you know use stuff like baths and chocolate and little notes/gifts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted February 22, 2013 Share Posted February 22, 2013 She is 12. Pour yourself some wine, and just make it through. Don't get all screamy, though, that's the worst thing you could do. Hence the wine. I will need you to remind me of this in one year when the twins hit 12. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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