Help me critique this essay on Hannibal Barca

[Hoot]

When asked to write a history essay on Hannibal Barca and his contribution to the second Punic War, this is what DS13 (8th grade) came up with. His only instruction was that it had to be at least 2 pgs. double-spaced. What kind of feedback would you give him? He's not the strongest writer.

 

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The Greatest Militant in History

 

In 247 B.C. a boy by the name of Hannibal was born. No one ever would have suspected him to be one of the greatest generals in the history of mankind. His father, Hamilcar Barca was the Carthaginian general in the first Punic War which ended with Carthage's defeat. His younger brothers were Mago and Hasdrubal, and his brother in law was Hasdrubal the Fair. Not much is recorded about his mother and she is almost never mentioned in any historical document. At a very young age, Hannibal was trained to be a military man by his father, who pushed him to his limits. By his mid-twenties, he was ready to go into the real world and fight.

 

By the time the Second Punic War rolled around, Hannibal was a young, energetic man ready to do anything for the military that his father had once so faithfully served. At first Hasdrubal the Fair was selected to lead Carthage as the new head of the army after Hamlicar’s death. However, in 221 B.C. Hasdrubal was assassinated and the post was passed to Hannibal. For two years, Hannibal planned a massive attack on the Romans. Towards the end of spring in 218 B.C., he set out from New Carthage on an epic journey that would lead him across mountain ranges, rivers and all different tribes trying to stop him. The first opposition he encountered were the northern tribes just before the Foothills of Pyrenees. He demolished these tribes with ease. Knowing the Gauls would weaken his defenses, Hannibal chose instead to evade them. He then outmaneuvered a Roman force marching toward his army by turning inland up the valley of Rhone. After this, philosophers are in disagreement about where exactly the route continues. Nevertheless, Hannibal emerged from the Alps with less than half of his army alive. Cornelius Scipio, a Roman general, made an attempt to intercept Hannibal on his route to Rome. This was successful. However, the Roman forces were crushed and forced to flee the plains for Rome. General Scipio was near-fatally wounded and was only saved by his son, who rode back into the battle to retrieve his fallen father. Hannibal's troops were weary and given permission to stay with the Gauls, who had since allied with Carthage's side for fear of Hannibal returning to terrorize them. After the winter his troops crossed the Apennines, during which Hannibal contracted conjunctivitis and lost his right eye. Hannibal had a cunning plan to lure Flaminius, Scipio’s replacement, into battle by crushing the area Flaminius had been sent to protect. To the surprise of the Hannibal and the Carthaginian troops, this didn't work. Instead, a quick plan was enacted and the troops bravely marched around the Romans’ left flank causing the Romans to give chase. They finally met at Lake Trasimenus. Once again, staying true to his nature, Hannibal ravaged the Roman army and killed Flaminius along the way. After all of this, Rome was hurting badly so they appointed Fabius Maximus as its new dictator. Fabius adopted a new strategy wherein he sent different armies to different locations to spy on Hannibal and his huge army. The Romans however didn't back this strategy because they said it was a form of cowardice. Fabius was soon after thrown out of office. In 216 B.C. Hannibal captured Cannae and took supplies from them. When the new Roman army marched to the Carthaginians, Hannibal devised yet another strategy in which his army formed a semicircle around the Romans fighting them from all sides. After all was said and done, the Romans had suffered 50,000 to 70,000 casualties and the rest once again retreated. Hannibal was called back to Carthage and met with Scipio in a peace council that soon fell apart because of Punic faith. He was sent to Zama to fight with the Romans, but this time the Romans had the advantage and crushed Carthage. After peacetime in Carthage, the Romans realized that the Carthaginians were ready to fight again. Instead of fighting, they demanded that Hannibal surrender, which he did, and exiled himself to Tyre. Later, at Libyssa Hannibal took poison, which he always carried with him in a vile, and died.

 

After Hannibal's death, the Romans remembered him as the man who had terrorized them, while the Carthaginians remembered him as their valiant leader in the Second Punic War against Rome. The Romans even told disobedient children stories about Hannibal in order to scare them. Some of the tactics that Hannibal created are still being used today. Many people were inspired by Hannibal's exploits in Rome. In fact, after so many years, he is still considered one of the greatest militants in history.

[Hoot]

Anyone? :bigear:

[Jean in Newcastle]

It has a clear progression and is well written. The only thing that stood out to me was his use of the word "militant". While technically it can mean someone active in warfare, in modern usage it is usually used for a person active in political or social causes. I'm not saying it is wrong, just that it made me do a double take.

[Hoot]

It has a clear progression and is well written. The only thing that stood out to me was his use of the word "militant". While technically it can mean someone active in warfare, in modern usage it is usually used for a person active in political or social causes. I'm not saying it is wrong, just that it made me do a double take.

 

 

Thank you, Jean. I hadn't even thought about his use of the word "militant." I don't think he even realizes that it can be used in another way. The dual meaning would probably be a good discussion to have with him. Thanks!

[Mom in High Heels]

That was fairly well written for someone who isn't a strong writer. He made his point and made in interesting point about how both sides viewed Hannibal.

 

This caught my eye:

 

After this, philosophers are in disagreement about where exactly the route continues

 

I don't like the beginning of the sentence as it makes me think "after what?" I know I can get the context from the previous sentence, but this cannot stand on its own. It should be written with some reference to the previous sentence, like After the army crossed the Rhone...

I'm also not sure why he used the word philosophers instead of historians.

 

Good catch Jean, on the militant. I didn't even see it until I read your post.

 

 

On a side note, we went to Carthage in 2010 and it was breathtaking. The views were gorgeous. I could totally understand why they built their city there. Our tour guide told us that the city of Barcelona in Spain is named after Hannibal's family. There is one legend that says the first queen of Carthage, Dido, who fled her native land, asked the Berber king for a small piece of land for her people and they agreed that she could have as much land that was contained in a single ox hide. Dido had the hide cut into super thin strips and placed it around the base of the hill which would become Carthage. Clever woman. Aren't we all though?

[Hoot]

That was fairly well written for someone who isn't a strong writer. He made his point and made in interesting point about how both sides viewed Hannibal.

 

This caught my eye:

 

After this, philosophers are in disagreement about where exactly the route continues

 

I don't like the beginning of the sentence as it makes me think "after what?" I know I can get the context from the previous sentence, but this cannot stand on its own. It should be written with some reference to the previous sentence, like After the army crossed the Rhone...

I'm also not sure why he used the word philosophers instead of historians.

 

Good catch Jean, on the militant. I didn't even see it until I read your post.

 

 

On a side note, we went to Carthage in 2010 and it was breathtaking. The views were gorgeous. I could totally understand why they built their city there. Our tour guide told us that the city of Barcelona in Spain is named after Hannibal's family. There is one legend that says the first queen of Carthage, Dido, who fled her native land, asked the Berber king for a small piece of land for her people and they agreed that she could have as much land that was contained in a single ox hide. Dido had the hide cut into super thin strips and placed it around the base of the hill which would become Carthage. Clever woman. Aren't we all though?

 

 

Thank you for your thoughtful response, Mom in High Heels. I agree with your assessment and had actually brought up the "after that" phrase to him in the past. He will often add lots of detail to begin, and then get to a point where he feels like it's getting too long so he starts getting lazy and thin in his details in order to get to the end faster.

 

I hadn't even noticed "philosophers." Good catch.

[kiwik]

I agree militant and philosophers. It is spelled vial or phial here. Is vile the accepted US spelling or is it a typo?

[Hoot]

I agree militant and philosophers. It is spelled vial or phial here. Is vile the accepted US spelling or is it a typo?

 

Typo. Vile is synonymous with awful or terrible. Vial is a small container.

[kiwik]

Here to but there are spelling differences in a lot of cases so I am cautious.