Anyone a younger widow? I need ideas

[Ottakee]

A friend of mine just lost her husband today. He went in to the hospital with difficulty breathing last Sunday and was transferred twice to bigger hospitals (they were in the UP of MIchigan) but sadly passed away this morning of congestive heart failure. He was only 44. She is 43 and they have 2 kids---a boy 19 or 20 and a girl 16.

 

Right now they are all local to me as his extended family and her parents are all close to here which is where they grew up. I have no idea if she will stay here awhile and then go back and live in the UP or possibly move back down here or ???? Obviously they are still in shock.

 

I was just wondering if anyone else was widowed younger what were some of the best things people did for you, sent you, said to you, etc? We weren't super close but had been friends for 25 years and I had known her husband that long as well.

 

Any ideas on supporting her in a month, several months from now, etc.?

[Chelle in MO]

I'm so sorry for the loss. :grouphug:

 

It didn't happen to me, but things I can think of knowing several people who've gone through it:

 

--calling or writing whenever she came to mind (I would call just to tell her I thought of her when reading a certain Bible verse or to tell her that my dh and I were recalling a memory of her husband)

 

--giving her a tangible gift to remember people were caring about her--something like a little statue of an angel

 

--calling or writing on the anniversary of his death, whether it had been 1 month, 4 months, 9 months or however long

 

--people doing things around the house that her dh would've done--for example, mowing, washing the fence, taking her kids to play ball w/their kids

 

--making necessary, but unpleasant phone calls for her or just being w/her when she makes them

 

--calling or writing on his birthday, her birthday, the kids' birthdays just to say you know it is different now and see how they're doing

[Garga]

Don't start ignoring her a few months from now. I know from experience that you will intend to be there for many months to come, but then your own life will get in the way and you'll call her less and less. You will start to move on well before she does.

 

So, make a triple resolution to keep in touch with her 4, 5, 6, 11, 13 months from now. Put it on your calendar now to "call Marie".

 

My biggest regret was not keeping up when my best friend's husband died at 37. She was 34 and the baby wasn't even 2. I did good for 3 months, and then my own life got in the way. Big regret. But, that was 6 years ago and she's happily married now. But don't tell your friend that! They don't want to hear "you'll move on" a week after their lifelong partner has died.

[Garga]

Oh, and just be there. My friend didn't want to talk about it. But she liked for someone to call anyway, just to shoot the breeze. And she rarely told people she met after his death about it. She couldn't stand the pity and the way people got all somber around her. She wanted people to act normally around her and not like a bunch of undertakers.

[Danestress]

My dh was a young widow.

 

The best advice he got (he says now) was to make no major decisions for one year. No moving, no job changes, no engagements, etc. He let his dad move in for a month to help with his toddler, and then sent him home. He had to manage on his own eventually.

 

He says on a daily basis, the hardest thing was not having anyone to share his day with. Just having someone to talk to about normally daily things would have helped. He really missed that and found it hard to come home to a house with no other adult.

[Melissa in Australia]

MY mother was a young widow. She was 20, she had 3 children. I was 3, my brother 2, and my sister was about 8 months.

 

She told me once that the thing that had the single most impact on her life after my father's death was her aunt told her she should place all of us children up for adoption. This made my mother so mad that she had the strength to cope for the next few months and years.

[Ottakee]

Thanks for the ideas. I will have to put things on the calendar to make sure to call or send a card etc. every few weeks.

 

I do like the idea of not making any big decisions for a year. She will have the support of lots of family and extended family. I have no idea on their financial situation though as her dh was self employed. I pray they had some life insurance.

[sbgrace]

My sister was widowed at 28.

 

I can echo what others said in that people stop reaching out after the inital blast. The grief goes on for a long time and the inital part is mostly shock. The support is needed much longer than it is typically given. I know people helping with house stuff her husband had done was very appreciated as well. She joined a local grief support group and I know she also found help with an online group specific to young widows/widowers. http://www.youngwidow.org/

 

I do think the biggest thing is just continued contact and not being afraid to talk about him, let her cry, etc.

[*LC]

I guess I fit your criteria. I was in my 30s when my husband died.

 

I agree with what others have said -- even the conflicting advice about whether to talk about her husband or not, because everyone is different. She doesn't even know yet if she will want to talk about her husband or not in the future. I love talking about my husband, my kids and I do all the time. He was such a big part of my life that if I don't talk about him there are a lot of stories I can't tell. I do realize it confuses people that don't know him.

 

If you can, I would take the the card/call/e-mail thing farther than you are probably thinking. Let her know you are thinking of her on their anniversary, his birthday, her birthday, Valentine's day, the big holidays, any small holidays or occasions that meant something special to them, I met a women a few years ago whose daughter died in an accident more than 10 years earlier; she still spoke of a woman who sent her cards on every

 

birthday and anniversary of the death. It has been a number of years since my husband died, and it feels like no one remembers. I have a couple of friends who had children die around the same time as my husband, and I have to admit that deep down it hurts that our mutual friends sill remember these losses and not ours. I'm sure people remember and are praying for us, but I don't live there anymore and there are days that it would be nice to "know" it.

 

Don't take it personally if your friend doesn't acknowledge your gesture. My husband had an out-of-state business friend, who wrote me a number of times to let me know she was thinking of us. I appreciated it and kept those letters even though I haven't responded.

 

I have tried to send cards or e-mails to folks that have have spouses/children die when their child/other children graduate/get married, because those days are not what they dreamed those special days would be like before the death.

 

Are you local? It would be great to have help with those thing that her husband handled. Also, think about things that she will need to do alone for the first time that are normally done as a couple, such as attending a party, going to a movie, going on vacation, going out to dinner, etc. If you can, offer to go with her; ask her t go with you, etc. The thread about the Die Hard movie reminded me ow much I miss my husband. We saw those movies together. Since we moved, I think I have been out to dinner less than 5 times without kids since my husband died.

 

As a previous poster mentioned, it is hard to lose that person that you talked to about everything. It is hard to make big decisions (and everything seems big) without someone to discuss the pros and cons with. Mention that you will be there to talk/listen when she wants/needs to discuss something. We all have those things we see/hear/do during the day that we want to talk to about with someone, and your friend doesn't have that person in her life anymore. Call her and offer her that chance to simply talk about her day, her kids, etc. Or be that person she can vent to about whatever has gone wrong lately.

 

People mentioned waiting a year to make big changes, but I found a year wasn't really enough time. A lot of people I have talked to say the 2nd year is harder than the first as that is when the shock begins to wear off.

 

I'm sorry for your loss.

[gardenmom5]

My mother was a younger widow. don't leave out the children, they are hurting too, and are often overlooked in the months after. at least today there are grief support groups, both for widows and children and passing on the details for groups in her area could be helpful.

[cathmom]

Definitely keep being her friend! When my sister's dh died, she lost not only him, but his whole family, who never contacted her again, and many mutual friends of theirs, who just stopped calling. I find this behavior very baffling and hurtful.

 

She joined a widow support group with other woman who had lost their dhs around the same time, and seven years later still meets with them regularly. I know that's been helpful to her.

[Ottakee]

If she stays down here we will be local but if she goes back home to the UP she will be in a very rural area (but with great church family support) about 6 hours away.

[Cinder]

When my friend's dh died--they were in their mid-30's--they had 4 young dc and one on the way. I asked my friend what was most helpful. One of the things she mentioned was that when offering help be specific. Don't just say, Call me if you need anything. She probably won't. Try to think what she might need and offer that with a date/time. Like, Would you mind if I come over on Tues afternoon to mow your yard? (My dh did that one, not me.) Or, Would you like a ride to your next doctor's appt and maybe we could grab some lunch before/after? (That was me. And I was able to offer watching her dc about once a week.) Stuff like that.

 

Hugs to you for being a great friend to your friend! :grouphug:

[KungFuPanda]

A friend with 4 homeschooled children lost her husband a few years ago. Our HS group set up one of those online meal-delivery calendar for several weeks after. She said it was a huge help.

 

She also seems to appreciate other people sharing memories of her husband and saying they miss him too. It can be hard when the world goes on and you are destroyed. Mentioning the lost loved one helps the family feel that other people cared for and miss him too.