itsheresomewhere Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Apparently, I am an ungrateful family member. Relative is 100 years old, will be 101 in March. She apparently fell and broke her hip. A few years ago, she was decided to be too medically fragile to have some back surgery to fix several disc issues ( lots of medical issues). So now the family is searching for a surgeon to fix the hip. I suggested that we make her comfortable and let her live out what she has left instead of putting her though surgery which several doctors have told the family that she will not survive nor will they do. I was told that I am an ungrateful family member for even suggesting that. I can't say for sure but I don't think this fall was an accident. There have been several times that I know off that she has fallen even with the nicest caregiver there. Waiting for the lady to go to the bathroom to launch herself to the floor. Somehow a few months ago, overdosed herself on blood thinners. I can't figure out if this is a form of crying out for attention or she is trying to tell the others she is ready to go. The relative is very stubborn so there is no way she would even to physical therapy. That old joke about the person is so mean heaven doesn't want her really comes to mind :ph34r: . I guess I will wear that ungrateful badge proudly. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 If the doctors are telling the family that the woman will not survive the surgery, it would seem that your suggestion makes a lot of sense. If she was 100 years old and still active and healthy, I would be in favor of the surgery, but in this case, it seems like it shouldn't even be an option. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 If the doctors are telling the family that the woman will not survive the surgery, it would seem that your suggestion makes a lot of sense. If she was 100 years old and still active and healthy, I would be in favor of the surgery, but in this case, it seems like it shouldn't even be an option. You would think that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I suggested that we make her comfortable and let her live out what she has left instead of putting her though surgery which several doctors have told the family that she will not survive nor will they do. Scratching my head here... what kind of family member wants a relative to have a surgery that she won't survive??? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Scratching my head here... what kind of family member wants a relative to have a surgery that she won't survive??? The only thing I can figure is that they don't want to let go. She has no money but SS so that throws that thought out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anotherbrother Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 That happened to my DH grandfather when he was in his late 90s. There's something about the hip that requires it to be fixed regardless of age. His was fixed when he was considered terminal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
WTMCassandra Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Scratching my head here... what kind of family member wants a relative to have a surgery that she won't survive??? I suspect because then they will feel they have done all they can and it won't be their fault if/when she dies--they'll be able to blame the doctor. If they "let" her die, they will feel at fault. I suspect they are making this decision to manage their own feelings. Any chance they can ask the ornery 100 year old what SHE wants? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Orthodox6 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I wish that someone will come along to reconcile what you were told in your family's case with what OP understands from more than one doctor to contradict this. (I have parents aged 89 and 90, and the younger one -- Mom -- is a constant risk for falls.) Given only the original post to reflect on, I strongly recommend hospice care. NOT surgery. I could speculate in a lot of directions about the other family members, but that would be of no help. That happened to my DH grandfather when he was in his late 90s. There's something about the hip that requires it to be fixed regardless of age. His was fixed when he was considered terminal. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 I suspect because then they will feel they have done all they can and it won't be their fault if/when she dies--they'll be able to blame the doctor. If they "let" her die, they will feel at fault. I suspect they are making this decision to manage their own feelings. Any chance they can ask the ornery 100 year old what SHE wants? Currently, she is so medicated she makes no sense. I think she would be happy right now to be the center of attention truth be told. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 I wish that someone will come along to reconcile what you were told in your family's case with what OP understands from more than one doctor to contradict this. (I have parents aged 89 and 90, and the younger one -- Mom -- is a constant risk for falls.) Given only the original post to reflect on, I strongly recommend hospice care. NOT surgery. I could speculate in a lot of directions about the other family members, but that would be of no help. And I quote " Hospice care is for the sick and dying not for her." I have suggested it to the more sane/balanced relative. He is driving down tomorrow to see if he can help with the decision. He lost his MIL a couple of years ago and talks about how wonderful hospice was to them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gardenmom5 Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 :grouphug: It's hard when some family members want their delusion as to the health of a loved one. I went through this with my siblings during the last two months of my mother's life. (I had the medical POA) at least the drs are being realistic about her chance of coming through surgery at her age and health. Hopefully it will help them start to 'let-go'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
anotherbrother Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I wish that someone will come along to reconcile what you were told in your family's case with what OP understands from more than one doctor to contradict this. (I have parents aged 89 and 90, and the younger one -- Mom -- is a constant risk for falls.) Given only the original post to reflect on, I strongly recommend hospice care. NOT surgery. I could speculate in a lot of directions about the other family members, but that would be of no help. I'll admit that I don't know all the particulars in regards to DH's grandfathers situation. He was in the process of seeking hospice care when he broke his hip and went straight to the hospice facility after being released from the hospital. Having a broken hip is supposed to be VERY painful. The main thing I remember is the doctors said that it was incredibly important to quality of life (only if it was a small remainder of life) to have the hip repaired. I think that it may be because the entire pelvis can become unstable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MedicMom Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Broken hips can be extremely painful, leave one bedbound and as a PP said, cause the pelvis to be very unstable. This is a different category than back surgery. That said, nobody will operate unless she is medically cleared for surgery. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 Broken hips can be extremely painful, leave one bedbound and as a PP said, cause the pelvis to be very unstable. This is a different category than back surgery. That said, nobody will operate unless she is medically cleared for surgery. She is already bed bound and has been in renal failure for awhile. She has been in so much pain for so long. It is really time to let her go. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 I'm so sorry. I hope everyone can find a solution they can live with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 (Drat and blast!) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
magnificent_baby Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 Broken hips can be extremely painful, leave one bedbound and as a PP said, cause the pelvis to be very unstable. This is a different category than back surgery. That said, nobody will operate unless she is medically cleared for surgery. I agree. This is different than an elective surgery, even if the odds are she will endure complications from surgery. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted February 17, 2013 Share Posted February 17, 2013 A good nurse manager or social worker will talk with the family and work with them to understand what is in the best interest of the patient - including letting them go. You can ask for one to help your family with the very difficult issues that you are facing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted February 17, 2013 Author Share Posted February 17, 2013 A good nurse manager or social worker will talk with the family and work with them to understand what is in the best interest of the patient - including letting them go. You can ask for one to help your family with the very difficult issues that you are facing. I am not there. I did tell the sane one to ask for a social worker. He understands what more is going on and can hopefully make everyone understand. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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