Pondering myself lately...

[caitlinsmom]

I guess I am not the only one whos feeling a little at odds with themselves lately. I have been trying to get into my own head lately.....I just dont understand why I have the reactions to things that I do. I dont always understand why I feel the way I do. It bugs me not to know my own mind if that makes any sense. I have come to a disturbing few things about myself this last week.....

 

-I am judgmental, with those I love and this makes my family weary of my reactions.

-I am overly critical of others in a not so helpful way and I get very irritated when someone I love is making a mistake and wont listen to me (yes I know their life, their choice). It makes me very sad that my concern comes across as critisizm.

-I am a prefectionist as far as everyone else is conserned, but am totally willing to give up if I see I am not going to reach perfection.

-I am in emotional denial. I like to think that I am emotionally strong but I have decided that my definition for years of "strong" really is denial. I just dont deal with it if it will make me emotionally vulnerable in any way. I hate letting myself let go because most times I feel totally retarded and then I have to deal with embarassment on top of the original problem.

-I totally lack patience with everything including myself and that this makes it so I miss out on a lot of the good moments, I get to wrapped up in irritation.

-I am overly concerned with what others think, bothering others, or getting in others way that I hinder the fun my family has in many situations.

 

There is more but those are the ones that have really hit me lately. I dont like them and it bugs me to look at the bad side of my personality. How do I find the kindness, love, acceptance ect in myself when really I feel like there isnt much?

[Sugarfoot]

:grouphug:, Kim, It sounds like you're being really hard on yourself. I tend to expect more from myself than I ever would from anyone else, and I feel like I hold myself to a higher standard than I do others. I'm trying to stop being such a perfectionist, but it's hard.;) Anyway, I think that it's easier to accept my own faults when I can accept the faults in others. The other thing that helps is to remember that I can only control my own reactions to things. I want peace and acceptance--in my mind, in my home, in my relationships. I try to form my actions to achieve that. Once I have peace and acceptance, I can improve on other things. I'm sorry for rambling--it's a hard thing to put words to! I hope this has helped you in some way? Please don't be so hard on yourself!

[Kathleen in VA]

I have no advice, just wanted you to know I characterize myself in a similar way oftentimes. Just wanted to offer :grouphug::grouphug:.

[Mom to Aly]

Wow! First, if all this is true, what a lot to realize and admit! And to take in all at once! You may be being overly harsh on yourself! Maybe, as you are realizing some things, it is making you overly critical of others. You know, you think you do one thing, so you look through a microscope at everything else and it is all over amplified?

 

Even if you are doing all of those things, all of the time, so what? Not "so what", let it go on, but "so what", you have realized it, and can do something about it!

 

First, YOU HAVE REALIZED IT!!!! Most people go their whole lives without realizing their smallest faults, much less their biggest! Second, if you think you can do it without WWIII starting up, I would sit down with your dh, or your best friend, or someone like that, maybe having written out what you feel so you don't get over emotional, and have them read it, or they can read it ahead of time, and give you feedback? But you have to try not to get over emotional. Maybe deal with one thing at a time?

 

A lot of what you talked about seems to come from stress, anxiety? Maybe that is something to look at? Therapy is something I would consider--we've talked about this before. I thought it was a joke until, after my xh left me, I found a wonderful therapist who really kept me from losing it. A therapist you don't click with is like someone you chat with in a coffee shop, take it or leave it. A good one can change your life.

 

The things you mentioned are too important to just give up on. You are on your way to making yourself a better person. I grew up in dysfunction city, and have worked all my life not to repeat the mistakes I saw all around me. It is hard, and I still battle some of those probs every day. Some days I am a champion, others I have to kick myself in the butt and sometimes cry myself to sleep, wishing I hadn't even gotten out of bed, but I know tomorrow is another chance to do better. I have less and less days when I cry myself to sleep as I get older, I know that.