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s/o What if a young adult wants to marry someone you don't feel is a good match?


Lisa R.
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Let's say this young adult is in the nineteen to twenty-one age range. So, a full adult, legally, but still considered young.

 

As a older adult in this person's life, it doesn't appear to be a good match. Maybe this is your son or daughter, maybe a niece or a close family friend.

 

It seems like the board's consensus is that if you protest this relationship, it drives the couple closer. Do you approve of any match as long as neither party isn't do anything illegal, immoral, or dangerous?

 

On the other hand, can you help save a young person from their own foolish decisions? If this is the case, how do you help this young person see and consider issues before they make such a huge decision.

 

Let's say:

 

One of them, in particular, seems very young and immature.

One of them is a hard worker while the other one does yet posses a strong work ethic.

They don't have an education/job training and don't have good prospects to support themselves.

 

I'm sure there are 50 other possible reasons.

 

If this is our child and we say nothing in an effort to be supportive, couldn't they come to us later and say, "Why didn't you say something?"

 

For the purposes of this discussion, let's say the older couple/parents have legitimate reasons to feel this may not be a good match or that the couple should consider waiting.

 

I'm not in this situation, but a recent post has given me cause to think about these issues.

 

It almost seems like it's a bad idea to warn the couple, and a bad idea not to.

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I try to bring up the subject and then speak frankly yet gently. Then the rest is up to the young adult. I've been in that situation. However, I wouldn't have listened to anyone when I got married a month before I turned 20. That ended in divorce 7 yrs. later but I was so head over heels in love in the beginning that the whole world was rosy. Of course my mom thought he was a good catch. And that's all I say about that.

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I think as a parent, we build the relationship beforehand in which our kids might ask for our advice. Then we can give it. It's best to couch it in terms of a "match" though, not denigrating the chosen one. Every word must be chosen so that if repeated to the chosen love that it will not be a relationship-breaker if we end up in-laws.

 

I think people other than the parents have more leeway.

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I've told this story before, but it's relevant. The girl was seventeen and started going out with a man of thirty. He was a nice enough person but had lost all interest in anything except making just enough to fund his pleasures. The girl was very bright and studious and stubborn.

 

The parents decided to put limits on the relationship rather than banning it. She was only allowed to see him at weekends and homework had to be finished. She got into Oxford, came back at Christmas and dumped him, having found the love of her life at university. The parents were convinced that if they had objected, the girl would have left home to live with him.

 

Laura

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It's not good either way.

 

I lean towards a kind discussion laying out concerns, followed up by many affirmations of love and support. It may go badly, but if the tone is kept carefully kind and reasonable no matter what the reaction, then hopefully it may come right in the end. No follow-up told-you-soing or taking every opportunity to show how horrible the guy is--rather, just one calm, reasonable discussion. After that, as many conversations as the loved person wants to have, whether none or many.

 

"Silence in the face of evil is evil. God will not hold us guiltless. Not to speak is to speak. Not to act is to act." --Dietrich Bonhoeffer

 

"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter." Martin Luther King

 

"In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends." --Martin Luther King

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I was in this situation; I got married 3 months after my 18th birthday...it ended in divorce 5 years later.

My mom insists that she told me I shouldn't marry him, but I don't remember having a single conversation about that. Even if she did say something, I wouldn't have listened as I was/am stubborn and headstrong and we didn't have the best relationship at the point in time. Hopefully, if my DD is ever in this situation, I will be able to have a honest conversation with her and then let her make her own choices. I don't think that you can "save" someone from making their own foolish decisions as they have to make them and then face the consequences of their choices.

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If you have a healthy relationship with your child you can have a conversation where you can let your child know you are only thinking of their happiness and that you have made some observations that concern you in regards to lifetime commitment match. Gently suggest/encourage that these are subjects said child should speak to spouse to be about before getting married. That you recognize they are in love but marriage is about more then being in love. Love is grand but it doesn't pay the bills.

 

Word of advice-don't hold your tongue until the night before the wedding. That is what my mom did. I was engaged for a year and half. 10 at night the evening before my wedding that is when my mom laid out her concerns. Thanks mom. 20 years later and any time she asks how my dh is the answer is always "fine". In fairness to my mother-she was not 100% incorrect in the things she noticed and even though I do wish certain things were different I do have a solid marriage.

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JMO (as the mother of two young adults)....

 

We support PEOPLE, not necessarily choices.

 

I most certainly will have opinions. If they are things that matter (not just whatever), then I have the responsibility to share my opinion with my adult children. If they are personal choice things, I need to keep my mouth shut. Of course, when I decide I need to speak up, I need to do so with respect, kindness, reasonableness, and love. I can tell them what I'm thinking and why, carefully. I could reason with them also (usually by asking questions). I cannot tell them what they should do though. That isn't my place!

 

In the end, they'll make the decisions they make. And along the way, we'll support the PEOPLE involved.

 

Wouldn't any of us do just these things for a close friend? a parent? A spouse? So of course we'd do so with an adult child.

 

This is sooooo hard sometimes.

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My parents were smart enough to keep their mouths shut (at least to me-I'm SURE their friends got an earful, and that I was being prayed for by a lot of people). I'm glad they did. Everyone else in my life was telling me that the guy was bad news, and eventually the message sank in, but if my parents had pressured me on it, at age 18-19, I might have jumped into the marriage just out of my desire for independence.

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My parent did and always have hated my DH. I can't repeat here what they have called him to his face. I come from a rich upper class family, his is lower middle class. When we met (I was 19, he was 21) he drove a truck delivering product to stores like Gap, Bath and Body Works, American Eagle, etc. My parents hated that and thought he was scum. They have never respected him or our relationship.

 

My DH is a very honest, hard working man. He is a fantastic father and a wonderful husband. We have been together for 15 years, martied for almost 13, and he is my soul mate. He has been nothing but kind to them, so he doesn't deserve the way they treat him.

 

Unless there are issues with abuse or such, I do not plan to step in or say anything and will completely support him. Even if it turns out to not be the best relationship in the long run, it is his life and HE needs to live and learn through those mistakes. Just b/c I don't like his choice in mate doesn't mean they aren't perfect for him, either.

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Guest inoubliable

If it were my child I'd tell them this: that money can't buy you love, but love doesn't buy the groceries, either.

 

If it were not my child (even someone related to me), I wouldn't presume to approve or disapprove of their love life. Even in my own children's lives, I don't expect to know everything that goes on intimately between two people.

 

Further, I don't think that I would be doing a service to an adult (even a new one) by "saving them from mistakes". They're technically an adult. Time to live like one, makes mistakes, learn from them. As the loving relative or friend, you get to be there for them when they fall.

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I think you have to be careful that you are actually reading things right too - I know when I was that age range, I got in a relationship with a guy my Mom hated because she felt he was "too controlling" - which I completely dismissed because I did not perceive him as particularly controlling. To this day I still don't know what she was seeing that was the basis of her concern. So I think it is better to say specifically what happened that concerns you rather than just a general "too controlling" (or too whatever).

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I don't think that you can "save" someone from making their own foolish decisions as they have to make them and then face the consequences of their choices.

 

 

Just thinking out loud here...

 

Isn't it the role as the parent of a young adult to be a safety net? In other words, the older they are, the bigger the decisions and the bigger the impact these decisions will have on their future.

 

I used to follow the thinking that "people will learn from their mistakes" but the older I get the more I see that so much grief can be avoided if we can somehow find a way to gently steer them in a different direction.

 

I do think parents can and do "save" their older kids from foolish decisions. Sometimes they try and can't. Sometimes they say nothing, and the kids comes to his/her senses.

 

I underestimated the amount of teaching and guidance older teens and young adults needed. I thought if I just did a good enough job when they were younger, that they would then have the knowledge and wisdom to make wise adult choices. Of course the discussions with older kids look very different than they did years ago, but they are still needed.

 

Perhaps one of the keys is maintaining a good relationship so they will listen when concerns are brought up. Also key is not having such a long list of concerns. When the list is too long, real and legitimate concerns can get lost in list of small, less meaningful ones.

 

Parenting is sure harder than it looks.

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I have a young adult daughter and a teen daughter.

 

I am very careful about how I approach these kinds of disagreements with them. I weigh speaking up against the potential consequences of their actions. If I do speak up, I approach them as I would any other autonomous person, with love and respect. I make it clear that their choices are their own. I tell them I support them no matter what they choose. And I share my concerns.

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I think it depends on the relationship, and the personalities involved.

 

Diva? I could see her TOTALLY going against anything I said, just b/c I'd said it. And I wouldn't want to end up in a situation w/her that she felt she needed to choose btwn us and him, etc.

 

I could see it being a fine line to walk w/her.

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Me, I probably would keep my opinion to myself. I would not free up $ that we have with/for that dc until they are older or the relationship has proven itself. I would encourage waiting to marry if that is their plan (just cause they are so young, though I might not have the same opinion of waiting if I found them more compatible).

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I wouldn't say anything. I certainly haven't lived my life perfectly with no mistakes, and I can't see the future. It's not my place to tell my child who to fall in love with and who to marry. She's the one that has to live with the person, not me. Some relationships that start out rocky end up being great (heck, I'm in one) and some relationships that start out wonderful go downhill very quickly. You just don't know what life will bring until you live it.

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I would talk to both of them together. "Here's what I see as your 'potholes' on the road of life." Not as in, "Don't get married." But as in, you may want to think about these things and start conversations about them now so they don't blindside you five years into the marriage. And, if I don't have a close enough relationship with both of them to speak freely, then I don't speak at all.

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it really depends upon the couple. I know of one where the mom is convinced the young man may end up abusive, or at least a loser - she tried to disuade for many reasons, but was unsuccessful. they are now married. I've no idea if this is how the young man is, or she's just being paranoid. The only thing that gives any credence to her fears (for me at least) is the siblings have some concerns.

 

 

that said - I had a few busybodies sticking their noses into my marriage plans ala "you're too young, he's too old for you" etc. Just let it be said, the most vocal woman against my marriage, whose dd (would have married with her approval) is divorced. I celebrate my 31st wedding anniversary in april. so, just because some outsider to the relationship "thinks" they know what's coming, doesn't mean they do.

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I spoke up in the thread that this thread spun off from that my parents planned to send me to Alaska. I didn't mention that up until that point, they had only peripherally mentioned that they didn't think the fiance and I were a good match. I look back twenty years and I am astonished that they were able to NOT say anything. My dad said things about the fact that fiance had "no drive", but mostly he kept quiet. And seethed. I'm sure my mom warned him not to drive a wedge between us, or chase me to him, but I never knew. I didn't know the real reason for the Alaska plan until dh and I were engaged! My whole extended family was in on it and it actually made me feel pretty good to know that they were all looking out for my best interest.

 

Overall, I think my parents handled it in the best way they could. We were all just really lucky dh came along :001_wub: . I know it doesn't always work out so well.

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If there aren't any major "red flags", I say keep out of it. If you are personally close to that person, you can certainly talk about marriage, values, hopes and dreams, etc in a general way and see if that has any bearing on the matter. What will be most important is that they have a community of people around them who love them and will help them through the tough times.

 

Dh and I were a horrible match in the terms you have mentioned. We got a few raised eyebrows from people who were more outspoken but weren't really close to us, and so it really just didn't matter to us. Many of our relatives and friends who we knew when they first got married were very different, and seemingly mismatched, and had "character flaws" up the ying-yang. But they are still married. And I know many "well matched and mature" couples who are now divorced.

 

Young people are often that - young and immature. They won't likely stay that way. Maybe they will, but it's really hard to judge how those dynamics will play out in the long run. I can say that dh and I are NOT the people we were 22 years ago.

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If it wasn't my own child, I say butt out. If it is my own child, it would depend some on my rapport with that child, but I would still lean towards butt out. If I had a great rapport with my child, it is possible I would point out my most major concern; i.e., "Have you and Bob discussed what impact his being Jewish while you are Catholic will have on your marriage?" But I would still be disinclined to "lecture."

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Most adults, regardless of age, in America marry without really considering the things that matter. In a nutshell, people should be compatible when it comes to 1. religious/philosophical views, 2. childrearing, 3. finances, and 4 lifestyle. If I knew a couple that didn't agree on any one of those things, or they hadn't discussed those things at length, regardless of their ages, I would privately point it out and tell them that I think it needs their attention. Those are all things that fall under the "irreconcilable differences" in divorce proceedings and almost always lead to divorce or a strained marriage. Additionally (I know I will probably get flamed here) anyone failing to do discuss those issues at length before marriage is categorically not ready to be married.

 

When my brother married 6 years ago I knew he and his soon to be wife disagreed on having kids. (He had one by a previous relationship and she had none. He was done and she wanted to have one with him.) I have a very long questionnaire that I've given to couples that covers lots of issues under those 4 aspects of marriage. I told her, "I don't want to get into your personal business, but here's a questionnaire you might find helpful to make sure you guys have covered everything about your future together before you tie the knot." She married him anyway. She deeply regrets not having more children. I haven't said anything about it. I just listen to her complain and cry. She knew what she was getting into.

 

My husband and I went through those things in great detail before we married (I was 3 weeks passed by 20th birthday and he was almost 26) and the agency we used to adopt internationally went over those things with us in detail 12 years later when they were evaluating our marital stability before approving our international adoption with our 3rd child. Those are the most accurate indicators of a long term marriage (assuming no adultery is involved.)

 

While people who do agree on all 4 of those aspects of a marriage will very likely stay married long term, there is one wild card that can't be predicted beforehand: if one person later makes a very large change in their views on those things. There are no guarantees in life, but there's a HUGE difference between a taking a blind risk and taking a calculated risk.

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My parents were were silent about my first marriage. I know I was technically an adult but it was a BAD BAD situation.

 

I frankly wish they would have asked me to move home, or sent me to England to visit family, of course only after I was pregnant so that I would still have my wonderful DS, but have escaped the worst of the relationship. Honestly if they had come to me and said, we see you are pregnant and wish it wasn't right now, but it is a blessing, and we will make sure you and your child are safe, housed and fed until you can do this for yourself I would have happily avoided the marriage.

 

They did however step up and give me a place to fall when I left the day after DS birthday, I am sure they were horribly relieved and I am thankful for that landing pad every single day, even 11 years later.

 

They didn't like my now DH for quite some time, he was really quiet, but stood up to my dad at the very beginning, and rightly so. But I was older and wiser and knew he was the one for me, having zero concerns about kindness or hard work or respect. They have certainly come around, and consider him a son of their own now and see what I saw in him from the beginning.

 

:001_wub: :001_wub: :001_wub:

 

With my own child I will encourage going slow, waiting until you know yourself and have some idea of the path you want your adult life to take. Love in the beginning is heady and emotional, but the kind of love that makes a family for life is about action, and thought, and mutual respect. Don't get me wrong I still get flutters in my tummy sometimes, but flutters alone won't get you through the day to day work of a marriage!

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I would say something, but at the right time and right place. Hopefully early in the relationship. My father was a master at that, and I found his advice that way invaluable. I made my own decisions, but he was a good judge of character and gave advice thoughtfully.

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Tough call. I have told my kids to be sure to chose a partner I like because I don't want them to be in the middle of issues between me and said partner and If I really don't like them I plan to be *that* MIL. BUT in reality if the person was not facing addictions, criminal record, and was not abusive I would shut my mouth and be pleasant because whether or not I think it is a good match that is up to my adult child and his/her partner. However, if the circumstances were that this person had addictions, or was a lazy bum etc I will not keep my mouth shut about it. Again ultimately it is up to said adult child but I would be clear what my concerns were and why I was worried for their wellbeing. If the person was abusive I would ensure they never were again even if it meant I was in jail after teh fact, it would be worth it imo.

 

I would never do what my parents did. As I prepared to walk down the aisle and the music began my dad told me my mom was willing to pay me $5K to walk out of the building instead of down the aisle. They were right about my ex but that was not the right way to approach it.

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Let's say this young adult is in the nineteen to twenty-one age range. So, a full adult, legally, but still considered young.

 

As a older adult in this person's life, it doesn't appear to be a good match. Maybe this is your son or daughter, maybe a niece or a close family friend.

 

It seems like the board's consensus is that if you protest this relationship, it drives the couple closer. Do you approve of any match as long as neither party isn't do anything illegal, immoral, or dangerous?

 

On the other hand, can you help save a young person from their own foolish decisions? If this is the case, how do you help this young person see and consider issues before they make such a huge decision.

 

Let's say:

 

One of them, in particular, seems very young and immature.

One of them is a hard worker while the other one does yet posses a strong work ethic.

They don't have an education/job training and don't have good prospects to support themselves.

 

I'm sure there are 50 other possible reasons.

 

If this is our child and we say nothing in an effort to be supportive, couldn't they come to us later and say, "Why didn't you say something?"

 

For the purposes of this discussion, let's say the older couple/parents have legitimate reasons to feel this may not be a good match or that the couple should consider waiting.

 

I'm not in this situation, but a recent post has given me cause to think about these issues.

 

It almost seems like it's a bad idea to warn the couple, and a bad idea not to.

 

 

The thing is, IMO, if we've done our job right as parents, we've been talking to our children for YEARS about what makes a good marriage and a good mate. If my children bring someone home that I don't approve of, they should probably already know before they bring them that I won't approve. And if they want to get married when they are not ready, they should already know that I'm going to think that, because I've been telling them for years what I think ready looks like.

 

So the only way that they are bringing someone home that I'm not going to approve of is:

 

A. They have decided to reject all of my counsel, in which case I'm not sure what I'd do. It's easy to want to talk to them about it, but would it help? I doubt it.

 

B. They think they are taking my counsel, but I see something in the other person that they don't. In that case, I would probably try to do an end run get some other adults that they respect (aunts, uncles, godparents) to talk to them first. Either they will listen to them and change their mind, or they will at least have softened the ground for me.

 

Also, possibly,

 

C. I do basically approve of the person and the match, but I don't think they are quite ready. In that case, I would come along side and try to help them get ready as quickly as possible.

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It all depends upon the people, the issues, the ages, and the approach. Some of the things listed in the OP are not things that I consider as something to necessarily call off a wedding over...mixed with certain personalities, yes. Some of it the couple grows and changes together. It all depends. There were people that thought my husband and I would never make it. We survived four years of highschool, we survived our early marriage/college years, we've survived every thing life has thrown at us (and it has thrown us more curve balls than most people get in their entire lifetime). Last year, before we lost our home, I was starting to wonder if we would survive. We have.

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Getting someone to see character issues is harder than compatibility issues. I would say something as objectively as possible in private. Then I wouldn't say anything else again. It would be a "(S)he says this, then does that" kind of thing. My grandfather did it with my mother when she married my dad (her 1st husband.) "He doesn't have the same values we do and that will come back to haunt you." She didn't listen so she learned it the hard way. My mother did it with my oldest step-bother. "Notice how many jobs and certification programs she's quit, how many churches she's left, how much she plays the helpless victim of her own choices." He didn't listen, so he learned it the hard way.

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