Sigh...moms of big, rambunctious boys I need your help! (very long)

[AndyJoy]

I need some help/hugs tonight from moms who understand.

 

Please don't just tell me I'm posting this because I'm proud/bragging about my son's size/personality/physicality/high pain tolerance, etc. I'm trying to state the facts and get help on the face of what I'm saying. I'm frustrated and stuck and need some input. I don't want everyone to JAWM, but I don't need "your kid isn't as clueless as you think," thrown at me either. He is very bright but is super naive/innocent in some areas compared to most of the boys he knows (who are mostly 4-5 or younger siblings, so thus more experienced in such things). What I'm saying about his personality/attitude has been confirmed for me by multiple people who see him almost daily and know him well. I've tried seeking help from some of them, but their son's personalities are so different that the advice we offer each other is mostly theoretical and we spend a lot of time saying, "I don't envy you!"

 

My son (3) is on the large size for his age--about 95th percentile for height and weight. He is in a gymnastics class with three girls (almost 5, 4.5, 3) and two boys (4.5, 4). One girl is taller than him by about 1/2 an inch, but he is taller than everyone else and noticeably larger. He definitely outweighs the others by quite a bit. This class is supposed to be w/out parents, but we all sit on the sidelines and call out to our kids as we see fit. It really is too many young kids for the coach to really have a good picture of what is going on.

 

He is a super-physical "class clown" type personality. He is usually very good about not starting anything physical, but if someone else starts it, his face lights up and he jumps right in! The problem is that he either ends up hurting the other kid, being the only one noticed by the coach, or being told on by the initiating party (who is older and more articulate and knows how to tattle). When they're all running around the floor warming up, there are inevitable collisions. Obviously, if my son collides with someone smaller, the other kid is thrown and he is unscathed. Plus, he has a very high tolerance for pain, so he rarely ever cries, even if it's a head to head collision! He gets told to watch where he is going 95% of the time, even though 50% of the collisions are because of the other kid. Last week he scraped his hands, legs, and arms on a rough gravel driveway. He stood up, cried for literally 2 seconds, then said, "I'll be OK mom!" and ran off. He and a 4-year-old hit heads--DS said "Ow." and went back to his project. The other boy ran to his mom and cried for several minutes.

 

I KNOW he needs to work on "keeping his hands to himself," but I don't know how much is reasonable to expect from him at 3.33 and what to say/do when he doesn't and the other kid initiated. I definitely don't want to absolve him from blame, but on the other hand, how is it possible to convince him not to tickle back, hug, or roughhouse back when touch is his "love language" and he really thinks another kid laying a hand on him means "instant best friend!"? He's even been known to interpret obvious angry attacks from older boys as a fun game to join in. He has never hit another person in anger. Every time it's occurred it's been returning a "superhero" move or what he thought was some sort of playful gesture (even though I could see that the other child was mad).

 

Here is what happened tonight:

 

At the beginning of class, the kids were supposed to be rolling around the floor like dogs. The kids were rolling all over each other, not just the mats. DS rolled onto the legs of B (4) who screamed at him and kicked him in the ribs. I couldn't tell if B was really hurt or just annoyed, because he reacts angrily to both. B's mom told him to "use his words and ask him to get off." DS sat up looking confused. The coach heard the scream, but didn't see the kick, and told DS to apologize for hurting B's foot, and DS did.

 

Later, he was standing in line and was minding his own business. B was standing behind DS and started tickling him, so he turned around and tickled him back. Then B smacked him on the shoulder playfully, so DS did it back with a giant grin on his face. B screamed, cried, ran to his mom (who didn't see what happened) and told her that DS hit him. The problem is that 1) DS definitely hit him hard enough for it to hurt but had no clue it wasn't all fun and 2) B often starts stuff but then whines to the adults, leaving out his part. I heard B's mom asking him who hit him, and B identifying DS. Then she started talking to the mom next her her. I went over and explained what happened. I called DS to to me and we talked. As I'm talking to him about not hitting, he's incredulous that the other boy is hurt. The other boy hit him, but it didn't hurt! The coach missed the entire thing, but B told him that DS hit him, so the coach reminds DS not to touch others.

 

Later, the 4.5 year old girl tickled DS's neck and hugged him around the neck, pulling him over on to her lap. He thought this was hilarious, so he just laid there with his head on her until the coach saw him (but not her part) told him to move and not touch others.

 

So I feel like a double failure. First, I can't get my DS to stay out of trouble physically. Then, I feel like an obnoxious tattling Mama Bear for wanting to explain to the coach what proceeded each event. I don't want to excuse my son, but I don't want him getting an undeserved reputation as the big bully, IYKWIM? I WANT the coach to say something to him, but I don't want him to get the impression that he's the only one out of line. How can I teach him to follow the rules at age 3 when other kids are getting away with it left and right? I was an obsessive rule-follower from a young age and caught on quickly to not joining the rule-breakers, but that is not DS's personality. He notices when someone steps out of line and thinks, "That looks like fun! I'll do that too (or x10)!"

 

I constantly remind him, "No touching." using various phrases. Part of the problem is he doesn't understand what could be wrong about returning a hug, tickle, playful shove, etc. He is a very physical kid who thrives on touch. So when I tell him not to tickle/touch back what he's hearing is, "That kid LOVES you, but you should just ignore him."

 

AFTER class today we talked about how gym class is for following Coach, not tickling, and that seemed to make more of an impression because it gave him hope that there IS a time for tickling. I'm hoping having this discussion again will help.

 

Do any of you have ideas for getting through to him? How much is just the age? What would you suggest I do in these situations or generally?

 

Also, how can I help him see when the other kid is hitting him in anger (often over something really random that he couldn't predict) so he should disengage? To some extent, I have shielded him from this knowledge because I didn't want him connecting his own feelings of anger with a desire to hit. I usually redirect him to something else before he can respond, saying something about how the other kid wants some space, doesn't want to play right now, is unhappy, etc. He is good about understanding crying means someone is sad or hurt, but not recognizing anger. He is rarely angry himself, and DH and I are not often strongly/noticeably angry with him. Just last week he started saying, "I'm mad," when his friend ordered him off the playground or when I wouldn't let him have juice, but it was accompanied by over-dramatic crossed arms, a slight grin, and he declared he wasn't mad anymore 15 sec. later. Anger is not really an emotion he has much experience with, so he is clueless. I am clueless about what I can/should do about these types of situations. What/how much should I say about anger?

[Barb_]

Anger is just an emotion. It's part of the human condition. I think you may be doing him disservice by avoiding the issue because he isn't learning to anticipate a negative reaction and is therefore repeating the same mistakes. That said, his friend sounds like a big ole crybaby.

 

Also,you may want to remove him from Group activities until he is a little older and has the maturity to rein himself in. A child who is considerably bigger than the other children and has minimal impulse control can be dangerous without intending to be.

[Starr]

Do you think some of this is because he is only three ? Maybe hold off on class type activity until he is older and can manage things better. In group settings with playmates you can more easily help him understand what's going on. It's going to be his responsibility not to hurt others even if they start it. :grouphug:

[Dandelion]

Your son sounds a lot like my DS at age 3. He's always been big for his age too (95%+ percentile) and was/still is very physical. He also has a high pain tolerance and was very rambunctious. I remember many frustrating classes and group situations at that age where I was dealing with exactly the types of issues you describe.

 

It sounds like "B" (the 4 year old) is instigating a lot of this stuff and then complaining when your DS simply reciprocates. I would talk to the coach and ask whether he/she can keep B and your DS separated a bit more in class. You could also role-play some of the situations your DS runs into in class and how to respond appropriately. Role-playing was more helpful to my DS at that age than trying to talk through issues. Beyond that, I think you just need to allow your DS to mature. He's only 3 - and he sounds like a perfectly normal, delightful 3-year old to me. :grouphug:

[Alte Veste Academy]

Your kid is three, which explains his behavior and inability to pick up all cues. Agree that the other boy is a trouble-making cry-baby. The teacher isn't paying enough attention and clearly doesn't have control. I would remove my kid from that class in your shoes.

[AndyJoy]

Anger is just an emotion. It's part of the human condition. I think you may be doing him disservice by avoiding the issue because he isn't learning to anticipate a negative reaction and is therefore repeating the same mistakes. That said, his friend sounds like a big ole crybaby.

 

 

I think I need some help with what specifically to say about anger. I have explained it in the context of him initiating something that will upset another child (taking a toy, getting in their way when they are trying to ride a bike, etc.) and he seems to get that. But when the anger is more "out of the blue" (the other kid wanted the blue ball but didn't tell anyone this, they wanted him to swing, not slide), etc. and they haul off and hit him that's when I usually pull him out of the situation and try to explain that/why the other kid is upset before he shoves/hits back thinking it's part of the game. Knowing how apt kids are to repeat things out of context and change wording, I'm not sure how to best phrase it so that he's not going back telling the other kid that he is "bad." I guess it's time to get explicit and tell him the other kid hit him because he was angry about X, but that is not a good way to tell someone what he wants. I'm good and walking DS through this with his own behavior, but I feel a bit odd trying to do it in a semi-public place about others.

 

The crybaby thing perplexes me. I would definitely say this is true of B. But it seems like we encounter a LOT of 4-5 year old boys who are the same way. Is this typical of this age? I don't remember this high of a percentage of the boys I babysat/taught at AWANA being this emotional over stuff like this. It was usually 1 in 15 or so. Has something changed? Many are rough and tough when they start it, but suddenly cry and run off. The old saying, "Don't dish it out if you can't take it back" seems fitting. Is it that being a tough boy and shaking things off is considered old-fashioned/sexist? (My dad encouraged my sister and me to be physically tough)

[GSOchristie]

We had these same issues, and while he is still very "hands-on", it has gotten so much better the past year or so. It used to drive me crazy during soccer when the coach only called him out when other kids were clearly instigating, but I just let her do her thing. He was in the wrong, no matter what they were doing, and eventually he got the picture. I think I would tell him to stay far away from B, that way there will be less of an opportunity for trouble and crying.

[AndyJoy]

Do you think some of this is because he is only three ? Maybe hold off on class type activity until he is older and can manage things better. In group settings with playmates you can more easily help him understand what's going on. It's going to be his responsibility not to hurt others even if they start it. :grouphug:

 

 

I'm sure some of it is his age. I just have trouble figuring it out! First born kid, and all that. He's been in gymnastics since 18 mo. and things have been good until fairly recently. When he first moved up to the parent-free class, the only problem was inattention/running around. Now the kid stuff is the main thing. Interestingly, when he did a make-up with the class of 5-6 year olds, he didn't have any problems. The others were on task and not touching him. He was a bit spacey, but the 6-year-old girls told him where to stand and explained standing in line to him.

 

I would hate for him to have to give up on this class right now as he ADORES his coach and it's a great physical outlet for him. I totally understand about the responsibility not to hurt, I'm just still trying to figure out how to get that point across (and when it might stick). He doesn't realize how much force he's using at this point.

[GSOchristie]

 

The crybaby thing perplexes me. I would definitely say this is true of B. But it seems like we encounter a LOT of 4-5 year old boys who are the same way. Is this typical of this age? I don't remember this high of a percentage of the boys I babysat/taught at AWANA being this emotional over stuff like this. It was usually 1 in 15 or so. Has something changed? Many are rough and tough when they start it, but suddenly cry and run off. The old saying, "Don't dish it out if you can't take it back" seems fitting. Is it that being a tough boy and shaking things off is considered old-fashioned/sexist? (My dad encouraged my sister and me to be physically tough)

 

 

Asher has a friend that is really rough, and he will cry if that friend takes it too far, especially after he's told him repeatedly to stop. That is the only time he cries over people his age. Jax is 3.5 and doesn't cry unless someone really pounds him. We do know some other boys who cry at the drop of a hat, and I've noticed that in our circle of friends they are either an only child or only have sisters. This is not true for every only child or brotherless boy we know, but if they are a crier, I found it to be the case most of the time. This is purely anecdotal, so I don't know if it is true anywhere else :).

[Barb_]

 

 

I think I need some help with what specifically to say about anger. I have explained it in the context of him initiating something that will upset another child (taking a toy, getting in their way when they are trying to ride a bike, etc.) and he seems to get that. But when the anger is more "out of the blue" (the other kid wanted the blue ball but didn't tell anyone this, they wanted him to swing, not slide), etc. and they haul off and hit him that's when I usually pull him out of the situation and try to explain that/why the other kid is upset before he shoves/hits back thinking it's part of the game. Knowing how apt kids are to repeat things out of context and change wording, I'm not sure how to best phrase it so that he's not going back telling the other kid that he is "bad." I guess it's time to get explicit and tell him the other kid hit him because he was angry about X, but that is not a good way to tell someone what he wants. I'm good and walking DS through this with his own behavior, but I feel a bit odd trying to do it in a semi-public place about others.

 

The crybaby thing perplexes me. I would definitely say this is true of B. But it seems like we encounter a LOT of 4-5 year old boys who are the same way. Is this typical of this age? I don't remember this high of a percentage of the boys I babysat/taught at AWANA being this emotional over stuff like this. It was usually 1 in 15 or so. Has something changed? Many are rough and tough when they start it, but suddenly cry and run off. The old saying, "Don't dish it out if you can't take it back" seems fitting. Is it that being a tough boy and shaking things off is considered old-fashioned/sexist? (My dad encouraged my sister and me to be physically tough)

 

 

Yes it sounds like you've been over thinking it and tiptoeing around the subject. A 3yo really needs very clear, direct, simple explanations and it sounds like you have a good handle on how to handle it that way, but that you just aren't sure if you *should* handle it that way. If you walk him away from the situation and explain in similar words to what you posted above, I think he will understand. I wouldn't worry about his repeating that what his friend did was "bad " In the example above, the friend really is in the wrong. If your son tells him he is acting badly, then I'd say let your son have at it and be prepared to cross that bridge when you get there.

 

As far as the increase of crybabies? I think it's generational turnover. Each generation of kids is somewhat more indulged than the last, overall. Also, it could be that your son is only now old enough to be on the business end of peer relationships and you just weren't as aware of the tendency of kids to use tears to manipulate adults until you had a personal stake.

[AndyJoy]

We had these same issues, and while he is still very "hands-on", it has gotten so much better the past year or so. It used to drive me crazy during soccer when the coach only called him out when other kids were clearly instigating, but I just let her do her thing. He was in the wrong, no matter what they were doing, and eventually he got the picture. I think I would tell him to stay far away from B, that way there will be less of an opportunity for trouble and crying.

 

 

Yeah, I probably need to get better at disengaging and letting the coach handle it, but it's frustrating! I've always been very truth/justice oriented, so it's hard for me to see someone acting without the whole picture. I know DS needs to learn and he loves this coach, so maybe I should just let it go when he's singled out.

 

I think I'm going to ask the coach to try to separate him and B. He has done wonderfully on days when he sits near the two 4-year-old girls only. I just worry their parents are going to think DS is going to hurt them when he probably will do just fine. We used to have a 5-year-old boy A in the class who "introduced" himself to DS on DS's first night by saying, "I'm going to fart in your face!" and then doing it while we were waiting for class to start. Then, during class the coach got the impression that A and DS were friends because A was touching DS constantly and DS was laughing and joining in. He started talking about DS's buddy A and putting them together on purpose! I made it clear that I didn't want DS with him and A dropped out shortly thereafter. The coach is my age (30) but his only child is a week-old baby. I sent him an email 4 mo. ago with ideas for how to reach DS as some of his typical tactics were useless (counting to 3--DS had no clue what that meant!). I talked to him after class today and he was very encouraging and admitted that he figured DS wasn't starting it as he knows DS isn't the type to just hit or lash out. B's mom told the coach that "It wasn't just DS. I didn't see it, but B and DS were both playing."

[dangermom]

One problem you're going to have forever is people treating your son like he is older because he is bigger. I'm sure this is part of the problem now. It seems to be quite difficult for many people to remember that a really big 3yo is still just a 3yo and doesn't have any extra maturity.

 

I would take him out of group activities for a little while. And I'd go to great lengths to find him some playtime with kids who are bigger and older than he is--like, 8 and 10--who understand that he loves to tumble around and who are mature enough to treat him physically, with love.

 

My sister was very tall very early, and always towered over the other kids her age. This was a constant problem for her too.

[Whereneverever]

One problem you're going to have forever is people treating your son like he is older because he is bigger. I'm sure this is part of the problem now. It seems to be quite difficult for many people to remember that a really big 3yo is still just a 3yo and doesn't have any extra maturity.

 

I would take him out of group activities for a little while. And I'd go to great lengths to find him some playtime with kids who are bigger and older than he is--like, 8 and 10--who understand that he loves to tumble around and who are mature enough to treat him physically, with love.

 

My sister was very tall very early, and always towered over the other kids her age. This was a constant problem for her too.

 

I think the suggestion of finding significantly older kids is a great one. Someone old enough to model some restraint while still being playful, and big enough that he's probably not going to accidentally hurt them. I think 8-10 is a great range, fwiw. I have an almost nine year old who is amazing with kids that age, both related to her and not. Maybe see if a homeschooled kid would like to be a mothers helper for you a few times a week, and spend all that time playing with him?

[AndyJoy]

One problem you're going to have forever is people treating your son like he is older because he is bigger. I'm sure this is part of the problem now. It seems to be quite difficult for many people to remember that a really big 3yo is still just a 3yo and doesn't have any extra maturity.

 

I would take him out of group activities for a little while. And I'd go to great lengths to find him some playtime with kids who are bigger and older than he is--like, 8 and 10--who understand that he loves to tumble around and who are mature enough to treat him physically, with love.

 

My sister was very tall very early, and always towered over the other kids her age. This was a constant problem for her too.

 

Oh, you are so wise!

 

We have definitely had the problem of people thinking he's older and expecting him to act like it. Kids and adults alike. 4-6 year olds treat him like a peer, but it's not a level playing field emotionally/verbally so he gets socially trampled though he can hold his own physically. Understandably, they don't realize he's so young. If he were typically-sized, they might ignore him like they do other kids his age. One of our biggest issues has been with 2 boys who are 4 & 6. After trying various things, having a discussion with their moms, etc. I have decided it's best to just keep him away from them at this point. It's just not fair to him because they seek him out, initiate rough play, then cry/flat-out-lie/tattle about him to their parents and other random adults. He has NO idea what is going on. I feel like I can't leave him alone with them (or even in the same Sunday school class) because he is outgunned and oblivious.

 

DS and another slightly older boy in town constantly get comments about how big they are and are becoming well-know as the giant boys who aren't as old as they look. I've had multiple moms try to explain to their sons that he looks their age, but is only 1, 2, 3, so can't do X to/with him. My DH was the same way and it was hard on him. He is 6'3", but was 6' already at 13! People assumed he was much older and he was expected to always be the mature one in every situation.

 

I had noticed he does wonderfully with much older boys (8+) at church. A few times I've had a 10-year-old boy who is the 2nd of 5 kids come over and play with DS as a mother's helper. I should do this more! They have SO much fun together. It didn't occur to me to seek out boys who are this much older when we have issues with slightly older ones, but this makes sense! In a few years the issues with boys who are 1-2 years older won't be as big, I hope!

[AndyJoy]

I think the suggestion of finding significantly older kids is a great one. Someone old enough to model some restraint while still being playful, and big enough that he's probably not going to accidentally hurt them. I think 8-10 is a great range, fwiw. I have an almost nine year old who is amazing with kids that age, both related to her and not. Maybe see if a homeschooled kid would like to be a mothers helper for you a few times a week, and spend all that time playing with him?

 

We posted at the same time! I have a perfect candidate. He is 10, homeschooled, LOVES DS (and little kids in general). He is the 2nd of 5 kids and seems to have a lot of common sense and understand how to play with little ones. He has come over as a mother's helper before, but his mom wouldn't let me pay him because he enjoyed it and she thought it was good for him. I need to talk to her/him about the possibility of him coming again, esp. now that I'm pregnant and DS could use someone with the energy for more active play!

[Whereneverever]

 

 

We posted at the same time! I have a perfect candidate. He is 10, homeschooled, LOVES DS (and little kids in general). He is the 2nd of 5 kids and seems to have a lot of common sense and understand how to play with little ones. He has come over as a mother's helper before, but his mom wouldn't let me pay him because he enjoyed it and she thought it was good for him. I need to talk to her/him about the possibility of him coming again, esp. now that I'm pregnant and DS could use someone with the energy for more active play!

 

I think this sounds like a marvelous option. It'll give him a chance to have positive interactions with kids and learn some boundaries naturally, without always being the one who is in the wrong.

[AndyJoy]

After talking to DH, I think I'm going to take the suggestions of just pulling him out of class, but still have him attend the open gym time. We started gymnastics because it was the only indoor thing he could do at his young age to burn off some energy. He's always had good balance, strength, etc. so I wanted to encourage that. We never expected him to continue long term; he will never be a competitive gymnast due to his size (plus our small town only has recreation gymnastics for boys). It was mostly something for him to do until he was old enough for other sports (that we would continue if he still enjoyed it). Since the social issues are so big, he's not even getting much out of it physically anymore. This age-range is just not working for him, and I think I'm going to go crazy trying to handle/manage/teach him through this class. He LOVES gymnastics, but as my DH just pointed out to me, he LOVES EVERYTHING. This is so true. I'm probably more attached than he is, really, so I think I need to let it go for everyone's sanity! I'll try not to envision the other parents' glee or relief when my DS stops showing up... In Sept. he will be 4 and old enough for T-ball fall training with other 4-year-olds.

 

I suspect part of the problem with him fitting in with the other boys is that at age 4+ the boys who are still at the gym are the ones who have chosen (or whose parents have chosen) gymnastics over the other available options (T-ball 4, karate 3, soccer 5, basketball 5, flag football 5). Thus, we seem to encounter more smaller, shyer, less rough-and-tumble boys than DS is used to playing with elsewhere.

 

His own coach has repeatedly forgotten his age and expected too much of him, like suggesting it was time to move up from the parent-child class when he was only 2.5 because he thought he was at least a few months over 3! The owner/manager suggested I leave him at the Parent's Night Out when he was 2.5--it's advertised for 5 and up! I said, "He's not 5!" and she said, "But he's 4, right? As long as he's potty-trained we can make an exception."

[Jenny in Florida]

My now-14-year-old son has always been that kid.

 

He's tall (95th percentile or more), well spoken, etc. People have always assumed he was older than his actual years. And he has usually been mature for his age, in many ways. In other ways, he's just a typical boy. He is also the kid who always seems to draw focus, which is great for theatre, but not always in class situations. He is always the kid who gets noticed, for good or for bad.

 

He also frequently had one or two kids (always boys) when he was younger with whom he would have troubled relationships. He seemed to be drawn to them, wanted to think of them as friends, but couldn't actually get along. To be honest, I often felt like he was being bullied, but he didn't seem to notice. So, he would keep trying to be friendly and hang out with the boys, who would be awful to him until he lashed out, at which point the other kid would cry or tell on him and he would get in trouble. The one and only thing I found that worked even a little bit in those situations was to insist that my son just keep away from the problematic kids during class time. I would tell him he could say hi and socialiaze for a few minutes before and/or after class, but that class time was for listening to the teacher, not playing, and that he needed to keep way from those specific kids during class. Period.

 

I'm going to be honest and tell you that it took several years for him to get past those problems. But nowadays, he rarely gets into trouble outside the house. At home, he still has me ripping out my hair sometimes, but other people think he's wonderful. People still assume he's older, but he can mostly live up to those expectations now. Over the years, I got better at picking teachers and leaders for him whom he liked and respected. And we eventually learned how to help him channel his "look-at-me!" quality into leadership. Part of the task was re-framing these qualities as potential abilities to be nurtured and guided, rather than as character flaws to be solved.

 

It's still a work in progress, but it's definitely better.

[AndyJoy]

My now-14-year-old son has always been that kid.

 

He's tall (95th percentile or more), well spoken, etc. People have always assumed he was older than his actual years. And he has usually been mature for his age, in many ways. In other ways, he's just a typical boy. He is also the kid who always seems to draw focus, which is great for theatre, but not always in class situations. He is always the kid who gets noticed, for good or for bad.

 

He also frequently had one or two kids (always boys) when he was younger with whom he would have troubled relationships. He seemed to be drawn to them, wanted to think of them as friends, but couldn't actually get along. To be honest, I often felt like he was being bullied, but he didn't seem to notice. So, he would keep trying to be friendly and hang out with the boys, who would be awful to him until he lashed out, at which point the other kid would cry or tell on him and he would get in trouble. The one and only thing I found that worked even a little bit in those situations was to insist that my son just keep away from the problematic kids during class time. I would tell him he could say hi and socialiaze for a few minutes before and/or after class, but that class time was for listening to the teacher, not playing, and that he needed to keep way from those specific kids during class. Period.

 

I'm going to be honest and tell you that it took several years for him to get past those problems. But nowadays, he rarely gets into trouble outside the house. At home, he still has me ripping out my hair sometimes, but other people think he's wonderful. People still assume he's older, but he can mostly live up to those expectations now. Over the years, I got better at picking teachers and leaders for him whom he liked and respected. And we eventually learned how to help him channel his "look-at-me!" quality into leadership. Part of the task was re-framing these qualities as potential abilities to be nurtured and guided, rather than as character flaws to be solved.

 

It's still a work in progress, but it's definitely better.

 

Thank you! This is so helpful! We've already had the problem of him adoring and seeking out two older boys who are just plain rotten to him and intentionally get him in trouble. Since he's too young to avoid them in groups, I just supervise and keep him away from them completely.

 

My best friend was teasing me yesterday, saying, "Are you sure you want to homeschool? You know you'll be depriving DS of the chance to be the class clown!" This is definitely a plus for homeschooling in my mind! I'm hoping we'll find good opportunities to "channel his 'look-at-me!' quality into leadership" as well!

[gingersmom]

Your post bought back a flood of memories.

 

When my son was 7 days old someone asked me how many months he was.

 

When he was 2 someone asked why he was in a stroller.

 

At 3 people thought he was 5 or 6.

 

He also had a speech delay and did not speak till he was 4.

 

We went through everything you went through. It does get easier as they get older.

 

I must say though that at 13 my son has been mistaken for both a high school and college student.

[AndyJoy]

Your post bought back a flood of memories.

 

When my son was 7 days old someone asked me how many months he was.

 

When he was 2 someone asked why he was in a stroller.

 

At 3 people thought he was 5 or 6.

 

He also had a speech delay and did not speak till he was 4.

 

We went through everything you went through. It does get easier as they get older.

 

I must say though that at 13 my son has been mistaken for both a high school and college student.

 

 

You understand! DS wasn't large at birth, but was 22 lbs at 3 months and wearing 12 mo. clothing! There are two boys at church who are just over a year older than him and I'm constantly correcting people who think he is their age, as he is taller than one and heavier than both. DS is right on track or a bit advanced verbally, but he can't keep up with a verbal 4-5 year old.

 

My DH was accused of having a fake ID to make him 12 (thus qualifying him for a discount). The accuser thought he was 16. DH wanted to know what self-respecting 16-year-old would pretend to be 12 to save few bucks!

 

I used to play sports with two girls who were 5'7" at age 12 and 6' and 6'1" at 14. Their moms carried their birth certificates everywhere because of the nasty comments made about how they must have flunked, been intentionally held back for an advantage, etc. They both had summer b-days, so they weren't even on the old side for their grades. A lot of these comments were made at city rec soccer games! What would be the point of cheating?

[Χά�ων]

I feel your pain. DS is the same size as many 12 year olds. Things are ackward because of his size with same aged peers but he does much better with kids 2-4 years older then himself.

[Alte Veste Academy]

Yeah, it is unfair. A few months ago, DS10 (when still 9) was playing chess with a nine year old friend. He beat her and her dad said something like of course, well, he's so much older. Um, no. They are the same age. LOL DS is just a really tall kid.

[Miss Mousie]

My DS isn't particularly large or tall, but he could speak articulately and with a large vocabulary from a very young age, so he too has often been expected to be older and thus more mature. And he has all the physical and impulse control issues of your son - as well as the history of being the only one reprimanded or punished. He has improved over the years, but is not yet where he needs to be. Jenny's post about her son's improvement gives me hope, but I am still afraid DS will never get there!

 

I can't tell you how many times I have said "hugs aren't supposed to hurt" before he stopped bowling people over with his enthusiasm. And just yesterday I asked him if he remembers me saying that, and he said no! I guess I should be glad he got the message but doesn't remember the sheepish feeling of having his behavior in the spotlight.