TranquilMind Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Thanks for listening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
swellmomma Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 sounds like he cheated on your daughter not that he physically hurt her imo. This may be one of those times where other than talking to her about healthy relationship boundaries in case he was physical, but otherwise get to sit back and wait to hold her close when she cries from her first broken heart. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 sounds like he cheated on your daughter not that he physically hurt her imo. This may be one of those times where other than talking to her about healthy relationship boundaries in case he was physical, but otherwise get to sit back and wait to hold her close when she cries from her first broken heart. No...I didn't mean physically hurt! I meant I hope they had not became intimate when he doesn't care about her- sorry for the lack of clarity. Was trying to be a little vague. I understood the "done something really stupid" to be publicly declaring the relationship itself (or hopefully NOT intimacy), when maybe he has unresolved feelings for someone else and doesn't really care about her. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbmamaz Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 its so painful . . .my daughter is very socially awkward in some ways, while often looking totally in control in other ways. She dated very little IRL but got seriously involved on line instead . . . one of the local guys was so sweet and she got bored. One of the distance guys put something on the web where I was tattling on something she did at a party . . . and i did set more strict limits then .. . but then the day she turned 18 she moved to CA to move in w bf, and she wasnt really speaking to me and she's 18, and she'd already tried to move in w my mom and sister and they'd each turned her down . . . so what can i really do, she's 18 and wants to go . . . and when it went badly . . . it was all my fault. sigh. I think you have to wait for her to figure out what happened on her own, and then be there for her like a girlfriend, and when she's ready, use it as a lesson about how not to trust people too easily. I wish I had had some good advice about the way boys take advantage of you when i was young . . i was so naive and it went pretty badly for me Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in FL. Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I interpreted it more along the lines of his having done something stupid with someone else and that people wouldn't understand because he and your daughter are such a great couple. Hoping for the best for your and your daughter's sake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 I interpreted it more along the lines of his having done something stupid with someone else and that people wouldn't understand because he and your daughter are such a great couple. Hoping for the best for your and your daughter's sake. I realize it reads this way when I reread it. But the declaration of relationship has only been a very, very short time. It isn't as if they are a longstanding couple, which is why I interpreted it otherwise. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cindy in FL. Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I agree with you that it's ambiguous. I'd sure have a hankering to get to the bottom of it if I was you! But how to do that? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I interpreted it more along the lines of his having done something stupid with someone else and that people wouldn't understand because he and your daughter are such a great couple. Hoping for the best for your and your daughter's sake. That's also the way I took it. Maybe he's avoiding her out of guilt. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 I agree with you that it's ambiguous. I'd sure have a hankering to get to the bottom of it if I was you! But how to do that? I don't know! I have no idea. Inquiring minds want to know and I just have to wait. So frustrating. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barb_ Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I realize it reads this way when I reread it. But the declaration of relationship has only been a very, very short time. It isn't as if they are a longstanding couple, which is why I interpreted it otherwise. Even more of a reason. He really likes her, doesn't want her to know, feels guilty, is afraid she'll dump him. But for whatever reason was pulled into "something" with someone else. Maybe an ex or long term crush? I have to say don't borrow trouble. Hold your breath and let it play out. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 its so painful . . .my daughter is very socially awkward in some ways, while often looking totally in control in other ways. She dated very little IRL but got seriously involved on line instead . . . one of the local guys was so sweet and she got bored. One of the distance guys put something on the web where I was tattling on something she did at a party . . . and i did set more strict limits then .. . but then the day she turned 18 she moved to CA to move in w bf, and she wasnt really speaking to me and she's 18, and she'd already tried to move in w my mom and sister and they'd each turned her down . . . so what can i really do, she's 18 and wants to go . . . and when it went badly . . . it was all my fault. sigh. I think you have to wait for her to figure out what happened on her own, and then be there for her like a girlfriend, and when she's ready, use it as a lesson about how not to trust people too easily. I wish I had had some good advice about the way boys take advantage of you when i was young . . i was so naive and it went pretty badly for me I'm sorry. It's really tough to be both the young woman - and the Mom! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Even more of a reason. He really likes her, doesn't want her to know, feels guilty, is afraid she'll dump him. But for whatever reason was pulled into "something" with someone else. Maybe an ex or long term crush? I have to say don't borrow trouble. Hold your breath and let it play out. My gut (which has proved pretty infallible over many decades) is telling me that he doesn't really like her, that he just entered this while being caught up in a moment during their recent event. I know. I can't do anything. I'm a "fixer" by nature and I just want to fix everything, and have to wait impotently. Drives me nuts. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Starr Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 :grouphug: Not fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Perhaps the next time your dd mentions that the guy hasn't been spending too much time with her, you could gently suggest that she pop online and see if she finds anything interesting. Or come right out and ask her if she wants you to check into the guy a bit and see what you find out. (If she says no, agree with her that your snooping around would be a bad idea. ;)) Truthfully, if I found out something like that, I'd tell my ds what I'd discovered and let the chips fall where they may. I would rather my ds hear the truth from me than have someone else possibly play him for a fool. But I know you and your dd have had some issues, and I'm sure you don't want her to think you don't trust her judgment. FWIW, this guy isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed if he's posting all this stuff online. Your dd may be better off without him. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Perhaps the next time your dd mentions that the guy hasn't been spending too much time with her, you could gently suggest that she pop online and see if she finds anything interesting. Or come right out and ask her if she wants you to check into the guy a bit and see what you find out. (If she says no, agree with her that your snooping around would be a bad idea. ;)) Truthfully, if I found out something like that, I'd tell my ds what I'd discovered and let the chips fall where they may. I would rather my ds hear the truth from me than have someone else possibly play him for a fool. But I know you and your dd have had some issues, and I'm sure you don't want her to think you don't trust her judgment. FWIW, this guy isn't exactly the sharpest tool in the shed if he's posting all this stuff online. Your dd may be better off without him. He's a super brainy kid, but just has NO concept of privacy, like so many in this era of constant online connection. I couldn't believe I was able to uncover every typical private piece of information one would need to open up accounts in his name. These kids just don't get it. Lots of others are the same way. I think she'd be really upset if I told her. I already casually told her of something (neutral) I saw a week ago, and she wasn't even interested in reading that! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I think she'd be really upset if I told her. I already casually told her of something (neutral) I saw a week ago, and she wasn't even interested in reading that! It's such a tough call to have to make. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 It's such a tough call to have to make. :( A bit of an update. He again ditched her all weekend, after very short times together, I discovered. Out of inexperience, she's thinking this just means they are so sophisticated that they don't need to live in each other's pockets. She did mention that she found it odd that he said he had to study on Friday night at 7:30 p.m. and then did something else with other friends. I can't stand it. How do Moms ever keep quiet?? I'm hanging by a thread here. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jenny in Florida Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I can't stand it. How do Moms ever keep quiet?? I'm hanging by a thread here. Given my own relationship with my daughter, I wouldn't keep quiet. Please don't misunderstand: I would not be rushing in with guns blazing, brandishing evidence of the other kid's "crimes." But I might very well say to my daughter something like, "Of course this is just me and my own experiences talking, but if I were in your shoes, I might be wondering how into this relationship what's-his-name really is right now." I'd say it in the most off-hand way I could and then, unless it seemed like she wanted to talk more, I'd move on to the next topic of conversation. But I wouldn't hesitate to say that much. Of course, truthfully, I don't think I would have started researching the kid in the first place. My daughter is much more adept at (and interested in) that kind of snooping than I am, and I would assume she knew more about her situation than I did. But, if I did for some reason run across information I thought might be important to her that I had reason to believe she didn't have, I would very likely try to find a non-threatening, casual, I-statement kind of way to share it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 A bit of an update. He again ditched her all weekend, after very short times together, I discovered. Out of inexperience, she's thinking this just means they are so sophisticated that they don't need to live in each other's pockets. She did mention that she found it odd that he said he had to study on Friday night at 7:30 p.m. and then did something else with other friends. I can't stand it. How do Moms ever keep quiet?? I'm hanging by a thread here. Given my own relationship with my daughter, I wouldn't keep quiet. Please don't misunderstand: I would not be rushing in with guns blazing, brandishing evidence of the other kid's "crimes." But I might very well say to my daughter something like, "Of course this is just me and my own experiences talking, but if I were in your shoes, I might be wondering how into this relationship what's-his-name really is right now." I'd say it in the most off-hand way I could and then, unless it seemed like she wanted to talk more, I'd move on to the next topic of conversation. But I wouldn't hesitate to say that much. Of course, truthfully, I don't think I would have started researching the kid in the first place. My daughter is much more adept at (and interested in) that kind of snooping than I am, and I would assume she knew more about her situation than I did. But, if I did for some reason run across information I thought might be important to her that I had reason to believe she didn't have, I would very likely try to find a non-threatening, casual, I-statement kind of way to share it. Blowing her off on a Friday night, and her not realizing it.... I think it's time to say something. I would handle it like Jenny. She needs to know that kind of behavior is a warning sign. Maybe get her the book "He's just not that into you" or something (I've never read it, so don't know if it would help, but she needs to know how to read people and actions) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Given my own relationship with my daughter, I wouldn't keep quiet. Please don't misunderstand: I would not be rushing in with guns blazing, brandishing evidence of the other kid's "crimes." But I might very well say to my daughter something like, "Of course this is just me and my own experiences talking, but if I were in your shoes, I might be wondering how into this relationship what's-his-name really is right now." I'd say it in the most off-hand way I could and then, unless it seemed like she wanted to talk more, I'd move on to the next topic of conversation. But I wouldn't hesitate to say that much. Oh, I've casually suggested that, and will probably be more direct at a good moment. I know she will get this. I just hate standing on the sidelines knowing what it coming. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Blowing her off on a Friday night, and her not realizing it.... I think it's time to say something. I would handle it like Jenny. She needs to know that kind of behavior is a warning sign. Maybe get her the book "He's just not that into you" or something (I've never read it, so don't know if it would help, but she needs to know how to read people and actions) I've already compared this behavior to the behavior of a guy that was crazy about her (she thought of him as a friend). He called always when he said he would, kept in regular contact, always spent time with her, when possible. Hung onto her every word. Treated her like a queen. I told her that this was how a guy acts when he really cares about you. No online post you make goes unmentioned. He responds to everything you say. He listens. He hangs onto your words. He wants to spend as much time as he can with you. He slowly absorbs you into his life with his friends, rather than excluding you. She just hasn't made the connection yet with the behavior of this guy. She's a smart girl and I know it will come. I just hate seeing it and not being able to be direct. My own Mom watched me enter a ridiculous relationship with a much older man. She knew EXACTLY how this was going to go, she admitted many years afterward. However, she didn't say a word except, "He's the oldest looking 30 year old I've ever seen." (He had lied about his age). Oh, I miss my MOM. I'd love to talk about this with her and compare stories. She was just brilliant at letting me figure things out, even when she probably should have spoken up. She knew I wouldn't listen at the time. I knew it all (ha ha). Now I'm reaping what I sowed then. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I'm so sorry you're feeling like the only thing you can do is to sit around and wait for your dd to be hurt. :( One thing, though -- if they share mutual friends, this guy is playing your dd for a fool and the friends may know about it. If that's the case, I think you should tell her what's going on. I would hate to see her looking clueless in front of her friends. This guy is playing her in a very mean way. I'm not saying he's trying to be mean, but he probably wants to break up with her and doesn't know how to handle it, so he's trying to gain some distance. This could be very hurtful for your dd, and she might be losing sleep over worrying about this relationship. She's a bright girl. She knows there's something wrong, but she's not emotionally mature enough to know exactly how to handle it. I'm not sure that keeping quiet is the way to go at this point. (Obviously, you would want to be as sensitive as possible and try to get her to discover at least some of the information on her own, but I would much prefer that she find out what the guy is doing and have the power to be the one to break up with the boy, rather than being strung along for who-knows-how-long while he goes out with another girl behind her back.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 I'm so sorry you're feeling like the only thing you can do is to sit around and wait for your dd to be hurt. :( One thing, though -- if they share mutual friends, this guy is playing your dd for a fool and the friends may know about it. If that's the case, I think you should tell her what's going on. I would hate to see her looking clueless in front of her friends. This guy is playing her in a very mean way. I'm not saying he's trying to be mean, but he probably wants to break up with her and doesn't know how to handle it, so he's trying to gain some distance. This could be very hurtful for your dd, and she might be losing sleep over worrying about this relationship. She's a bright girl. She knows there's something wrong, but she's not emotionally mature enough to know exactly how to handle it. I'm not sure that keeping quiet is the way to go at this point. (Obviously, you would want to be as sensitive as possible and try to get her to discover at least some of the information on her own, but I would much prefer that she find out what the guy is doing and have the power to be the one to break up with the boy, rather than being strung along for who-knows-how-long while he goes out with another girl behind her back.) Yeah, I don't think he is trying to be mean either, based upon what he has posted. He just doesn't know how to get out of it, and called himself cowardly. I just hate that the other kids are going to know what is happening far before she will. Maybe with Valentine's Day coming up, she will get it. She already asked me what she should get him (arrgh!). I said something really small, and that she might not want to give anything to him if he doesn't give anything to her first. She decided that was a good idea. I know at least some mutual friends know, but likely they will think their loyalty lies with him since they are talking to him about it. Hopefully, someone will tip her off. I don't want any of this to affect her grades! If I can only find a way to get her to find what I found.... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 I would just tell her. He's going to take someone else out for Valentine's Day and she's going to be very sad and hurt about it. :( I know it's hard for you, and is probably a little risky, but I hope you can find a way to let her down as easily as possible. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
cathmom Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Next time I think you should resist the online snooping. Then you won't know and you won't have to sit around upset and wondering what to do. It's hard being a mom of older dc. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 Next time I think you should resist the online snooping. Then you won't know and you won't have to sit around upset and wondering what to do. It's hard being a mom of older dc. Well, sure. That would be ideal, and probably would never have happened if my Mom radar wasn't going off. Things just weren't adding up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Granny_Weatherwax Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 :grouphug: I have a problem with 'looking for info' when it comes to DD and her now ex-boyfriend. Since he is the father to my DGD I feel I need to be as informed as I can be regarding his (and his current gf's) activities. No good has ever come of it. All it does is cause me to fret, eat sweets and feel emotions that I can do absolutely nothing about. I have spent many days in tears knowing what was coming and not being able to stop it. When I have said something to DD, out of love, or so I told myself, it did nothing but cause her pain and undue worry. I let her in on things she never would have known had I not put my nose into a situation that was better left undisturbed. I still think it is best if I know what is going on and I continue to learn things, either passively (through casual conversations with my students for example) or actively (by looking things up online). I no longer relate much of the info to DD. If I feel it is important I will save it for when we speak with DD's attorney. My goal is to no longer be the vehicle for DD's pain and worry but to be the one she turns to when she is hurt or worried. That means I have to sit back sometimes and keep what I know to myself and cry in private (or complain to DH). This does not and will not apply to anything that may put either my DGD or DD in harm's way. If that is the case, I will speak up and take action. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 :grouphug: I am really sorry. That would really get my Mama Bear up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted February 10, 2013 Author Share Posted February 10, 2013 :grouphug: I have a problem with 'looking for info' when it comes to DD and her now ex-boyfriend. Since he is the father to my DGD I feel I need to be as informed as I can be regarding his (and his current gf's) activities. No good has ever come of it. All it does is cause me to fret, eat sweets and feel emotions that I can do absolutely nothing about. I have spent many days in tears knowing what was coming and not being able to stop it. When I have said something to DD, out of love, or so I told myself, it did nothing but cause her pain and undue worry. I let her in on things she never would have known had I not put my nose into a situation that was better left undisturbed. I still think it is best if I know what is going on and I continue to learn things (either passively, through casual conversations with my students for example) or actively (by looking things up online). I no longer relate much of the info to DD. If I feel it is important I will save it for when we speak with DD's attorney. My goal is to no longer be the vehicle for DD's pain and worry but to be the one she turns to when she is hurt or worried. That means I have to sit back sometimes and keep what I know to myself and cry in private (or complain to DH). This does not and will not apply to anything that may put either my DGD or DD in harm's way. If that is the case, I will speak up and take action. Yes, I hear you completely, and I understand. Hope all goes well for your grandchild. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catherine Posted February 10, 2013 Share Posted February 10, 2013 Maybe it's just me, and maybe it's because I don't have a daughter, but I would not say anything at all except the most veiled hints about his behavior, if I even said that. I had no guidance when it came to this stuff. I was humiliated and mocked by a boy in high school who took me out once, decided I would not be "easy" and had some mean fun with me instead. I was very embarrassed, but it also taught me to be less trusting and avoid guys who were shallow. I think that's the kind of lesson a lot of kids need to learn on their own. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dbmamaz Posted February 11, 2013 Share Posted February 11, 2013 yes, its like when you are going through a divorce and you want to tell your kids how horrible their father is but you cant - they will be mad at you. You have to be as neutral as you can and know that they will discover it on their own . . .they were both teens by the time they realized. She stopped all contact with him when she was about 14, and he kinda vanished about 2 years ago . . turns out he was off his meds. he did show up on line a few times in the last 3 mo, but ds 16 seems much less interested in him than he was 2 years ago. Sad, but i'm so glad i never tried to convince them what a loser he was - he did it on his own, leaving the kids and I on the same side, kwim? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.