I.Dup. Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Every once in awhile I need advice on this. I have 2 difficult children out of my 6, and they require about 90% of our parenting energy, which is unfortunate for the others. :glare: I wrote it into the schedule that my daughter (11 y/o) must go to her bedroom and start on her schoolwork right after breakfast because she was just loitering and stalling for the longest time after breakfast and getting everyone else distracted and behind. I have her go to her room to do schoolwork because she cannot concentrate on doing ANYthing if there is ANYthing going on around her. Of course like everything else she pushes me on this. This morning she asked if she could stay out an extra 10 minutes and I warned her that she may get more behind (they cannot have screen time if they do not finish their chores and school work by a certain time). She pushed this as well and I had to remind her once again to go to her room after 15 minutes had passed. She threw a little hissy fit and yelled at 2 of her brothers and I told her in a frustrated tone "this is why I have you go to your room after breakfast, because you cause trouble when you're out here in the morning!" She yelled "I don't cause trouble, don't say that, it makes me feel like a horrible person!" I agree that I probably shouldn't have said that. She does make comments that she is a "bad child" and "nobody likes her" (when she's pouting or huffing off) and sometimes I wonder if I have contributed to that. Of course I have never told her that, but I certainly have pointed out during heated times that she is difficult and demanding. Should I not? Also, she is VERY hyper and overly animated. My Dad is bipolar and was the same way and this really pushes my buttons in a triggering way. I always had to overcompensate as a kid for my Dad's manic episodes and her hyper animation reminds me of that. She comes at me first thing in the morning holding her arms straight out and wiggling her hands really quickly and wants to give me a loud, smacking kiss, she talks in really obnoxious tones of voice if she is trying to be funny, if I hadn't given her signals against it I'm pretty sure she would be fine to lay on top of me and probably still nurse if I let her. lol. Again, she is 11-years-old. She did just recently start her period, and I can tell her cycle affects her moods but she is still difficult regardless. I feel that she tends toward being obnoxious and I really don't like being around her very much. :( I'm sure I give her signals of this (of course, that is not good!) and it doesn't seem to be lessening as she gets older. We have really great times and we ARE close, but everything feels like a big struggle a lot of the time. I am wondering how to TEACH her to act differently so she is more socially acceptable (other adults have commented on her behavior but she is popular with other kids) or just accept her for who she is? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cassy Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 DS11 is my 'difficult' child, and like your DD is tends to be rather hyperactive, easily distracted and very sensitive, it's a potentially explosive combination. I think you're absolutely doing the right thing insisting she keep to a morning routine that enables her to focus and work efficiently. I can also imagine DS11 pushing the boundaries the way you describe, and I don't think there's anything wrong with relaxing boundaries like that a little from time to time, too much rigidity can be just as detrimental as too much freedom. With DS11 I am very firm, and immediately put a stop to any behaviour that I find over the top, but I also make sure that I do so in a very calm, loving way. He knows when I mean business by now, and knows that it's pointless pushing it any further, so has learned slowly, but surely when to back down. I believe her accusations that you make her feel like a "horrible person" and a "bad child" are merely said to play on your guilt. Whenever DS11 said things like that I would, again very calmly, tell him that I didn't believe for a moment that he was "horrible" or "bad", but that he had the type of personality that meant that we had to work on keeping him calm and focused when we needed to do schoolwork. I'd also point out the strengths of his particular personality: his enthusiasm, energy, and sense of fun. Obviously DS11 is not your DD, and much of what I've described might not work for you, but at least you know you're not the only one fighting this particular battle :001_smile:. Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 My eldest (6yo) has always been one to say negative things about herself when she's gotten in trouble, even when she was a preschooler. "I'm so very very bad, everything is my fault, ohhhhhh." I just try to remain even-keeled and rephrase it as how I see it - "you did something wrong, that's all, everybody does sometimes, you have your consequence; next time you can and should do better." I always try to point out my own mistakes to my kids, along with a reminder that everyone makes mistakes and all we can do is try our best. I feel you about one child taking up 90% of your parenting time. My eldest does this, between her educational needs and her poor choices. I never thought I'd feel sorry for my youngest for not having many needs / demands on my time. I'm still working on finding the right balance. The other thing I'd say is that your daughter is at an age that is difficult - for her and you. She doesn't know why she overreacts to things (at least you have the benefit of understanding hormones and heredity). It's just a "poor me" age, so don't take it personally. :) Good luck! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted February 5, 2013 Author Share Posted February 5, 2013 My eldest (6yo) has always been one to say negative things about herself when she's gotten in trouble, even when she was a preschooler. "I'm so very very bad, everything is my fault, ohhhhhh." I just try to remain even-keeled and rephrase it as how I see it - "you did something wrong, that's all, everybody does sometimes, you have your consequence; next time you can and should do better." I always try to point out my own mistakes to my kids, along with a reminder that everyone makes mistakes and all we can do is try our best. Thank you both! And I agree that her "woe, terrible me" cries are most likely ploys for attention or to play on my guilt. Funny thing, when I started backtracking and telling her the above, the next time she made a mistake and I held her accountable for it, she would say "nobody's perfect, everyone makes mistakes." :001_rolleyes: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 Thank you both! And I agree that her "woe, terrible me" cries are most likely ploys for attention or to play on my guilt. Funny thing, when I started backtracking and telling her the above, the next time she made a mistake and I held her accountable for it, she would say "nobody's perfect, everyone makes mistakes." :001_rolleyes: "Very true, dear! And everyone is accountable for their mistakes. Your consequence is . . . ." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fairfarmhand Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I found that my "challenging" (I like that word better than difficult) dd needs at least 30 minutes of exercise first thing in the morning. It is not a cure-all, but it does help mellow some of her moodiness. With my challenging child, I remember that so many of our interactions are negative, that I have to go to great lengths to have positive interactions. Even if it is just complimenting how she put an outfit together, I must remind myself that she's not all bad. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Mousie Posted February 5, 2013 Share Posted February 5, 2013 I too have a DS11, who clearly has much in common with your daughter! I'll try to offer a few tidbits, and if you don't find them helpful, at least know I'm out here trying to tread the same water. This morning she asked if she could stay out an extra 10 minutes and I warned her that she may get more behind (they cannot have screen time if they do not finish their chores and school work by a certain time). She pushed this as well and I had to remind her once again to go to her room after 15 minutes had passed. She threw a little hissy fit and yelled at 2 of her brothers and I told her in a frustrated tone "this is why I have you go to your room after breakfast, because you cause trouble when you're out here in the morning!" She yelled "I don't cause trouble, don't say that, it makes me feel like a horrible person!" Assuming I had some patience, I'd say, "You asked for ten more minutes, stretched it to 15, then complained when time was up and yelled at your brothers. How is that not causing trouble?" My reasoning here is that the child needs help looking at the scenario factually, and identifying where a rational person would call foul. She does make comments that she is a "bad child" and "nobody likes her" (when she's pouting or huffing off) and sometimes I wonder if I have contributed to that. Of course I have never told her that, but I certainly have pointed out during heated times that she is difficult and demanding. Should I not? I agree that these statements are intended to be manipulative. Or, if she is not consciously trying to make you feel guilty, she is simply wallowing in "woe is me." I would either ignore it or call her on it. I feel that she tends toward being obnoxious and I really don't like being around her very much. .... I am wondering how to TEACH her to act differently so she is more socially acceptable (other adults have commented on her behavior but she is popular with other kids) or just accept her for who she is? This is the most difficult part for me, too. But DS does indeed need to learn what constitutes obnoxious behavior, and needs to realize how it affects his relationships (or, more accurately, lack thereof, where potential friends are concerned). I try to help him notice other people's reactions to his annoying behaviors ("I've asked you three times now to stop grabbing my hat; have you noticed that I've sounded more aggravated each time? Do you think continuing to do that would make me more or less eager to hang around with you?"), and I also point out his own annoyance at someone else behaving the same way toward him. It is a long slog, though, and while he seems to be making progress, it isn't happening fast enough to make any of us claim success just yet. Good luck, and hang in there. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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