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Siblings at opposite ends (academically)


Emma S
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Hi,

 

I was just wondering if anyone else struggles with children who are very, very different? My oldest dd (14), is working way ahead in most areas (except math), she is academically very bright and is gifted in English. On the other end of the spectrum her brother (10) has dyslexia, dyspraxia and other developmental delays. He is working well below his grade level.

 

Lately his self-estem has been very low. We have never made a big deal of it, but he is starting to realise how far behind he is. Not only when he compares himself to his sister at his age, but also his peers. He also has a very bright 4 year old sister (who is very like her big sister), and it looks like she will over take him academically in a few years.

 

If anyone has any ideas of things we could do to boost his self-estem I'd be grateful. He is hands on, loves lego and science kits. He enjoys being outdoors and adores animals. I'm trying to add in more of these things, but we spend such a long time each day just getting some reading, writing and math done it can be a bit of a struggle.

 

TIA,

Emma

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My middle child is like that. Her older sister and younger brother both work above grade level in math, and she is working below grade level in math. I do my best to give her compliments in the areas where she shines...she is a wonderful artist and can write/tell the most captivating stories; she is definitely a creative person. I also try to give her opportunities to develop her creativity since it is her strength, things like art supplies and kits (ones that fit her specific interests, like fashion design). I can't hide her weaknesses from her, she knows them, but she also recognizes that everyone has strengths and weaknesses. It does her good to see her older sister cry over a difficult assignment sometimes :D .

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It's hard, whether the "slower" child is comparing her/himself to siblings or peers. I have a 7yo who cannot read as well as her 4yo baby sister and it really bothers her, even though we try hard to emphasize that everybody is different, we all have our own gifts, character is the most important thing, etc. One thing I have found can help with self esteem is to give each child responsibilities related to their areas of ability. My slow reader is great with animals too, so we ask her advice on animal related questions, and she is the designated supervisor if we have visiting kids wanting to play with our guinea pigs. Assuming your 14yo gets along well with her brother and knows how to be sufficiently subtle, you might suggest that she occasionally make a point of asking his advice on something that he feels competent in. Another technique is to let the kids see that you, too, have some things you aren't great at or find challenging (you won't want to do this too often, but I think it's good to do just often enough so that your children don't assume that you are brilliant at everything).

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Going through this too at our house. My older one is gifted - even doing Athena's academy now. My middle one has "gifts" in other areas. Eveything comes harder to her - she has to work so much more to understand anything. The problem is that they are only 18 months apart too. We just try and make an effort to let our dd who is struggling with math, reading, and writing (and spelling), how great she is doing in art, cooking, sewing, and music (can you say big right brain learner?!). It is a tough struggle. We actually also just found out how much she loves Snap Circuits - and how good she is at them too. So we have her doing more of that.

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Yes, we have this issue as well. DD7 has dyscalculia and ADD (non hyperactivity). She is barely average in reading, which was, at one point, her strong suit. Her math is just terrible.

 

DS6 is 11 months younger than she is, and the two of them are very much like twins. DS6 is academically gifted. He is several grade levels ahead of his same age peers in reading and other language arts. He is a full grade level ahead in math, and would be further ahead if we hadn't lost a year during an interstate move. Everything he does, he does very well. He is also very responsible and i find myself often overlooking DD, and asking DS to do certain things because I know he will do it correctly, like emptying the dishwasher, for example.

 

One thing that we are doing to help with the inevitable sibling issues is we're signing DD up for an activity that only she will do...horseback riding. It is an activity that she should be fairly successful with, and her little brother won't be able to upstage her. I hope that it will become somewhat of a respite for her.

 

We also do not talk about grade levels or anything else. It's a hard balance because I have had to have conversations with DS about how it's not ok to comment about how easy something is, when it's not necessarily easy for others. But I don't want him to feel ashamed or guilty for being academically gifted.

 

We do also talk quite a bit about how God gave each of us different strengths and different weaknesses. And I think it's a big help for DD knowing that Daddy also has dyslexia and struggles academically. She has somebody she can relate to.

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I have a similar issue with my kids, only they're closer in age. In our case, the younger child is academically ahead of the older child in some areas, and it was starting to affect DS's self-esteem about a year ago. I often point out and praise him for the areas in which he excels. It can be difficult because kids like this don't always excel in academic subjects.

 

I know you said you have a tough time getting through some of your basic subjects, but is there any way once/week or so you can give them time to work on independent projects? I just started this with my kids yesterday, and my reluctant learner researched and took 2 pages on notes on how to build his own terrarium! I had the kids join DIY.org and let them pick projects they wanted to do from there.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Just saw this quote on a wall decal at a friends house: "Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.". Albert Einstein.

 

One thing we kind of unknowingly fell into that has been tremendous at easing the differences is using curriculum that is not grade designated. Math U See, for example, labels their books using the Greek alphabet. So the kiddos don't know if they are doing 2 nd grade or 5 th grade work, just Beta or Epsilon. We use Critical Thinking's Language Smarts which is labeled by letter and mark out the only, tiny reference to grade level printed in the whole book.

 

As some others have said, we downplay grade levels ("What grade am I in? ". "Well, I guess if you were in ps you'd be in 3rd, but you and your brothers have never worked at just one grade level all at the same time in every area".). Tim Hawkins has one of my favorite quotes about this: "My kid speaks Greek but still eats bugs. What grade is that?"

 

We share our own struggles too. "I know you can do it b/c I remember how hard it was for me to (memorize my times tables) and I did it. So I know you can do it too!". (and on that one I might add a vignette on how laborious the drilling with dad was every night.... Just to emphasize that I really do understand).

 

 

 

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Another thought, we had to get outside of the academic box to find giftings for our visual spatial ds. Building, sculpting, art? Definitely. Just took a bit longer to see it. The youngest struggles with the books, too, but thrives on helping and serving....anytime, anywhere. Pointing out and praying for those gifts with them has made a difference.

 

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Encourage him in whatever he is good at! I have a dyslexic 11 year old. His 13 year old sister is two grades ahead and everything comes easy to her. His 6 year old brother is extremely gifted in math (to the point that the 11 and 6 year olds are BOTH in the same 5th grade math currently... and the 11 year old struggles and the 6 year old has no problems whatsoever). The 6 year old has also really taken off in reading recently and will overtake his older brother's reading level before too long. We've talked to the 11 year old and he's cool with it. He's an exceedingly easy going child. I worry though because it's one thing for an *older* sibling to be ahead, but one that is nearly 5 years younger? That could hurt. He's proud of his little brother, though. At least for now. We do focus a lot on how incredibly hard working the 11 year old is. He'll be successful *because* of his struggles, not in spite of them.

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I strongly agree with the PPs' advice about developing his strengths! That can make a huge, huge difference when it comes to confidence.

 

Also, in light of his gifted siblings, consider that there's a good chance he may be twice-exceptional, even if his IQ scores don't show it yet. These types of kids may be late bloomers and actually score differently at different points in time (BTDT). I'd keep on a regular schedule of testing with a psych who specializes in 2e, every 3 years or so, especially looking toward high school and the possibility of accommodations for college admissions tests. I'd be sure to keep working on all reasonable therapy angles, OT, have ruled out developmental vision issues (which IMO would be a very important angle to consider for a student who is both dyslexic and dyspraxic), etc. etc.

 

Eta, note that you might also post on the Learning Challenges board

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Also, in light of his gifted siblings, consider that there's a good chance he may be twice-exceptional, even if his IQ scores don't show it yet. These types of kids may be late bloomers and actually score differently at different points in time (BTDT).

It would be unusual to have two academically gifted children have a sibling that has below average intelligence. Since he has dyslexia, dyspraxia and other developmental delays, these may cause test scores to be inaccurate.

 

It would be unusual for two siblings to be gifted and one to not be gifted, but it could happen.

1. My oldest is 2e. He has a disparity between his verbal and written IQ, needed speech therapy, therapy to build the muscle tone and coordination in his hands, displays ADD traits, went to a tutor who worked with colored films and such, went to The Bodine School for a year, and used Riggs (orton-gillingham) instruction for LA for a couple of years after that.

2. My middle falls in the upper end of average. Academically, he developed at a very typical pace, but was always a strong math student.

3. My youngest has a different father and has never been tested, but he is definitely accelerated and shows no sign of any learning differences.

 

I agree with having him tested by someone who deals with 2e children. You may find that he is very bright or you may just find that he is indeed of typical intelligence. Either way maybe this person can assist you in exploring different ways of instructing your child.

 

Explore ways of input that play to his strengths. Audio books, videos, etc.- it is amazing how much my son could retain from a video that he watched while playing with legos. (Animals: Blue Planet, Winged Migration, Planet Earth, anything with David Attenborough, the walking with videos) Anyway, cover the content subjects of literature (on audio or read to him), history, and science in ways that don't conflict with those areas where he needs remediation or therapy.

 

Explore output that plays to his strengths. (speech software for dictating reports or dictating to you, oral presentations, discussions, demonstrations with science kits, constructing replicas of buildings out of legos.)

 

(I really feel like it was during ds's 2 years with Riggs that he blossomed in spelling, grammar, and reading. If you are ready to use something outside of Orton Gillingham for LA, my son liked and did well with Winston Grammar. Be sure to use WG as designed rather than racing through it. Honestly, at 11yo and with everything else going on I would drop composition instruction for now. When he is ready to dictate a report, tell him he needs a topic. Ask him to dictate that topic. Then, ask him to tell about that topic. When finished ask him what he feels, thinks, or would like to summarize about his topic. Also, I need to do a plug for MUS. I always say that I wish that I had used this for my dyslexic son from the beginning. He loved Steve Demme and video instruction alongside a mastery program is just what he needed.)

 

Separate his remediation/ therapy from his content. Work on reading and handwriting skills and any other therapy separately.

 

Anyway, kids seldom do math speed drills or spelling contests at the park. They usually discuss content, so just make sure that you are covering the content topics in other ways. As far as self-esteem, I agree with the things that everyone else has said about explaining how everyone is different. My oldest was/ is always proud of his brothers. He loves to brag about his siblings, so comparison was never an issue for him. However, I had an extra student for over two years who was over two years older than my youngest. She is one of the best swimmers on the middle school swim team; runs like the wind; has a expressive, gruff singing voice; bakes and makes preserves better than most adults; and raises award winning chickens. My youngest can't/ doesn't do any of these things. She worked at a lower level in math than my youngest and sometimes that did bother her. Whenever she expressed discomfort or displeasure over the math issue, I tried to talk about her accomplishments. Ds was good about joining in, so I also agree with enlisting the help of your daughters.

 

As far as animals, my oldest son started volunteering at the animal shelter when he was in jr high. He is now 21yo and still volunteers at the animal shelter. :-) You could call your local shelter and see what age your ds needs to be to volunteer.

 

HTH-

Mandy

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I think we have almost the same children, so I'm all ears. Its like classical education was made specifically for my dd...she devoured Homer, Shakespeare, excelled in Latin and French, applied her logic lessons to every day things, read 24/7 without being asked...but my son...not so much. He was different and I thought something was wrong.

 

I made the mistake of putting him in public school, thinking "more experienced teachers" could help. He only got held back two years and suffered in numerous ways because of it. Including a dislike of school in general.

 

What I will be doing next year when he comes home is tailoring what we do to his strengths (of which, come to find out, he has an abundance) and letting him have plenty of time to explore his interests (science, art, sports). We will still work on the other stuff but I think when we try and fit our children into a one-size-fits-all box, we do them a great disservice. We each have our own gifts, talents, strengths and weaknesses. My ds is very physical, has a big heart, loves to help others, loves animals, science, art and is great at sports. So he isn't the best speller, the best at math, the most avid reader.... We can work on making improvements in those areas, while focusing on ways help him find and perfect his strengths and interests. No two children are the same - and what a dull world it would be if they were ;)

 

Best of luck!

 

ETA...if I could do it all over, I would have put of formal school until he was 7-8. I would have done a more Waldorf, Charlotte Mason type of thing and let him have the early years to play, explore nature, do art and fun science experiments. But at the time I thought doing school ala TWTM was the only way to go. *sigh*

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My oldest has dysgraphia and dyscalculia so he is about 1.5 years behind in math at this point. His next-in-line younger brother is very good at math, it just comes very naturally to him. And so because of this, the two of them will spend about a month in the same level of math starting next month. It'll be interesting if oldest brother notices that.

To deal with it, I try to remind all of my babies that they were each given different gifts and talents. Middle son's gift is easily picking up on new concepts. Oldest son is very good at figuring out alternative ways of doing things. He can think outside the box where middle son doesn't even know there IS an outside to that same box. He sticks to the rules, does what he is "supposed to do" all the time (academically speaking of course lol.gif ).

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  • 1 year later...

Sorry for digging up such an old post, but I just wanted to thank everyone for the replies you left. I always meant to come back and say thank you, it helped so much knowing that I was not alone in this. I was given some great advice and ideas. Unfortunately just after I posted this I became very unwell and have only just made it back to the forums. I'm on the mend now, although taking things slow as I have to be carefull not to overdo it. In amongst everything, and perhaps because I could only do the very basics with my son when unwell, he has started to choose to write now and again! His reading has also improved, although I doubt he will ever read for pleasure his confidence grows everyday. He also loves latin! Who would've thought! He learns in such a different way to me and my girls that it hasn't (and isn't) an easy journey, but we are getting there.

Thanks again everyone.

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Great update!

He could probably do above grade level physics or chemistry if you read it for him, and mechanical engineering types of things, gears, etc.

 

Thanks ElizabethB. You are right. These are subjects he's good at, and he's especially drawn to engineering. It's just a case of thinking outside the box and finding videos or audios he can use. I also still read lots to him, and we do much of the written work verbally rather than him having to write it down. :)

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My sister has the same issue at her house. She has 3 kids. Her son is average smart but lazy boy. Middle daughter is genius, already grade advanced twice and will probably be doing dual enrollment by sophomore year of HS. Her youngest daughter has dyslexia and several other dys- diagnoses which escape me at the moment. The middle kid is gifted on such a level that the youngest really does see how far apart they are. Especially because the girls are only 18 mos apart and as little kids they did everything together.

My sister found that her youngest loves to be outdoors and loves animals. So sis took DD2 to the barn and let her begin to ride horses. Dear Niece2 fell in love with horses. So my youngest niece spends all her extra time pursuing horse activities thru 4H and Quiz Bowl and other horse sports like polocrosse and hunting events and western shows. This has built her self-esteem greatly. The Quiz Bowl thing was new for 2014 and we were all concerned how DN would be able to study for it and if she would crack under pressure of a timed quiz event. Turns out, because she has to memorize so much to compensate for the dyslexia, she scored the highest score on Quiz Bowl exam.

All that to say, find an extra-curricular that your child can do just for fun and maybe you can help build confidence that way.

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