PeacefulChaos Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Just curious. Sometimes, part of me feels like the internet is this big, huge thing that feeds all of our (collective) insecurities - about ourselves and how we look, how we parent, how we dress, how ...everything. A magazine is published with a controversial parenting cover, and people go nuts. Everyone joins in, either in support of or against what was said. People feel defensive when others question them, etc, etc. I know this can happen in the real world, too, I just wonder if it was as rampant? I sometimes feel like facebook (while I do enjoy it to an extent) does the same thing. Someone has a party and everyone else is invited and we see pictures on facebook and think....'oh. Well that's nice.' but we're still a little hurt/annoyed because we weren't invited. Or it gets to the point, with facebook, where we tire of everyone else and every last thing that crosses their minds, and I know that I start to feel like this much constant contact with people is just a little over the top. I'm just musing and wondering if anyone else thinks the same way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Yep. To all of it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Yeah, I agree with your entire post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I think the internet has made it much more difficult to just be happy and content with our lives and choices, because we're constantly bombarded with information about what everyone else is thinking, doing, choosing, and so on. The pressure to "do more" and "be more" feels greater than in the pre-internet days, because you see evidence 24/7 of everyone else doing more and being more. The way others represent themselves on the internet, and what they share about their lives, may not always be factual. Things are definitely not always what they appear to be. And the pressure we feel from observing what others are doing is self-induced to a large extent. But yes, I think the internet has amplified the Mommy Wars and pretty much everything else about our collective experience. ETA: I think the way to combat this phenomenon is to recognize it for what it is. I would never want to go back to pre-internet days. So....take the good and leave the bad. I tune a lot of "stuff" out, I don't put a lot of stock into how people present themselves on Facebook, etc. But I had to recognize how it was impacting me before I was able to choose to react differently to it all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moxie Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I view the internet (blogs, FB, Pinterest, etc.) in the same way I view reality TV: heavily edited to give a certain impression. Not a picture of real life. I'm not bothered by what people put out there because I know that it is just a pretty picture. True story: I used to read a blog by a woman with the same number of young children as me. Her house was always clean, she volunteered, she wrote, all the stuff I can't find time for. Then she mentioned that her kids, all of them, go to some sort of school every day. Even the baby went to Mom's Morning Out two morning a week! Shoot, no wonder she got it all done! I learned then to stop comparing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 It depends whether I'm PMSing. Actually, I find that after a while, it's the same old thing over and over again. Each time it raises my hackles less, if at all. As long as we continue to have "new initiates" to the parenting "discussions," things will continue to get heated from time to time. Maybe someday some troll will post a Mommy War thread and everyone who sees it will say "yawn" and move on. We can hope! ETA: Though I will say I never would have even thought that some things were worth arguing / disagreeing about, before I saw some of these "wars." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I don't feel any sense of a "war". All I hear is "blah blah blah". I guess I don't take it all too seriously. Well, yeah, I agree blah blah blah is a better descripton than 'war'. Hee hee. I add plenty of my own blah blah blah. I need to get a life. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PinkInTheBlue Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Oh certainly! It seems an alarming amount of people do not stop and think or hesitate to post their opinions on the internet as if they are the only right way to be and everyone else is an idiot. So sad and disappointing. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I think women have always been nasty and catty to each other. I don't think the internet has changed the basic nature of women. I do think it can play more on our insecurities though, and allow people to act like they have it all together. But no, I do not think it has changed the basic nature of women to judge and hate each other. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kalanamak Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Except for those homemade joke videos, I've not seen Mommy Wars in print or in person. But, all of the moms I associate with IRL have full time jobs. No energy left over for war, I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Except for those homemade joke videos, I've not seen Mommy Wars in print or in person. But, all of the moms I associate with IRL have full time jobs. No energy left over for war, I guess. I beg your pardon! What are you saying about working moms!!?? LOL. It doesn't take much if someone is PMSing . . . or procrastinating (that would be me). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
windmillmarie Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 yes but only because there's more exposure. I think it always existed, but it was more localized. Now I can have someone from across the country make me feel bad that I still can't convince my husband to allow me to homeschool instead of just someone in town /bitter. Seriously though, you have to kind of watch yourself and not allow yourself to get into too many comparisons. Whatever your sensitive point is at the time- homeschooling, cleaning, creative activities, country life, city life, income etc. - there will be a blog or article or social media bit out there that could make you feel awful if you are in that state of mind. Odds are, there's probably something about your own life that others would be jealous of if your life were on display too. I have a sister that just went back to work after her firstborn hit three months old and so many people just open their mouths at her for her decision. The same people would fight to be patients at her pediatric practice though. Obviously, my sore spot right now is my DH's resistance to homeschooling, so I am sensitive to things that relate to that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Except for those homemade joke videos, I've not seen Mommy Wars in print or in person. But, all of the moms I associate with IRL have full time jobs. No energy left over for war, I guess. I beg your pardon! What are you saying about working moms!!?? LOL. It doesn't take much if someone is PMSing . . . or procrastinating (that would be me). So what is she saying? That I don't WORK!! ;) Well, I don't. Not even getting my housework done. But I digress. Still not a war to me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lang Syne Boardie Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Except for those homemade joke videos, I've not seen Mommy Wars in print or in person. But, all of the moms I associate with IRL have full time jobs. No energy left over for war, I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Soror Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Online it seems that there is a constant p**ing contest. "I'm more rigorous. I'm more laid back. I'm the best liberal there is. No one is more conservative than me. I never make my kids do anything. My kids always listen to every word I say. " Yada, yada, yada. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Oops even I worded it that way. I don't mean SAHMs don't work. Some do some don't. I'm currently in the don't camp. I used to work very hard at SAHM. I'm a slacker now....but I don't like myself much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Oh I slack from time to time, but only in certain areas. I like you. Does that help a little? Yes it helps. I am now inspired to get off my bottom and go do laundry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Oops even I worded it that way. I don't mean SAHMs don't work. Are you folks assuming that WAHMs work?? Then what am I doing on the internet right now? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 I don't feel any sense of a "war". All I hear is "blah blah blah". I guess I don't take it all too seriously. I don't know that I would personally call it 'war' either - I'm just using the common term. :) And I haven't really seen much on here - when I do, I usually ignore it. I don't have time. :D I was just talking 'in general' on the internet, or hot button issues like the infamous Time magazine cover, etc. I personally think it all gets old and have started ignoring all of it. It does continue to baffle me to the extent that some people take things personally, or feel the need to defend themselves from personal attack. Though I can't say I've never done the same, especially in my early years on the internet (especially the ones where I was also a new mom). I was just curious as to whether others felt the competition had gotten more visible now, with the help of the internet, than what it was before. :) (Oh, and I'm the OP. Sometimes people don't notice lol :) ) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Yes and no. Yes, it feeds the lack of contentment with what we have. But then there are really encouraging places, some blogs that I love, that help me. Mothers who are older who are passing on their wisdom. And, there are things like that clean house thread, which set some basic standards. No child should have to live like that, so if mom sees that, and makes some changes? That's a good thing. Also, I heard an interesting perspective in that, why should we glorify the ugly? If we are not content with what we have, that is OUR problem, not the blogger's problem. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
windmillmarie Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Yes and no. Yes, it feeds the lack of contentment with what we have. But then there are really encouraging places, some blogs that I love, that help me. Mothers who are older who are passing on their wisdom. And, there are things like that clean house thread, which set some basic standards. No child should have to live like that, so if mom sees that, and makes some changes? That's a good thing. Also, I heard an interesting perspective in that, why should we glorify the ugly? If we are not content with what we have, that is OUR problem, not the blogger's problem. Really good point. I think that's something I needed to read today. Maybe I should make a concentrated effort to seek out the things that make me feel positive. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 But, all of the moms I associate with IRL have full time jobs. No energy left over for war, I guess. LOL, my ex-classmates does the mommy wars on facebook during work time probably using their iphones We had a very nasty mommy war at the PTA of my older boy's school a few years back. As bad as TV. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 It does continue to baffle me to the extent that some people take things personally, or feel the need to defend themselves from personal attack. I agree. I never engaged in the "Mommy Wars" either - and I've been on both sides. I worked full-time up until DS was 5 and DD was 9 months old. I'm sure there were people who judged me for that, but I really didn't have the time or inclination to care. Now I'm a homeschooling mom - and I'm sure some of my former colleagues don't quite get that either. Whatever. :rolleyes: Generally speaking, it seems people have become more self-centered and egotistical. I don't know how else to explain why any pronouncement of "this is what I do - it works for me" equates to a judgment on their choices. Everyone seems to be so focused on themselves that they evaluate everything based on how it reflects on them. So then they get defensive, instead of simply recognizing that people are different. In this "age of tolerance", it seems we're more intolerant than ever. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SKL Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 This reminds me of the first big mommy war I got into. I had been playing around on the internet doing some sort of parenting-related research, and I came across a site called Blogging Baby. I did not previously realize that sites like this largely pander to people who are looking for something to fight about. So this one particularly sharp-voiced blogger tells a story of how her kid ticked her off and she squeezed his leg and wanted to smack him, but she felt she'd take it too far. Therefore, she declared, it is her opinion that nobody should ever use spanking as a punishment. Certainly since she did this for a living, she worded it with the intention of creating a "lively discussion." Of course I took it as "you who do that are wrong and bad parents." I gave her a piece of my mind. Unbeknownst to me, she had (has) many internet groupies who came to her rescue. Now I was subjected to many accusations and nasty comments that went way over the top. Next an internet buddy emailed me to tell me that the blogger had opened a whole new blog post on her personal blog, dedicated to trashing me. Of course I responded to that one as well. At one point she used her superior internet knowledge (or maybe her job at Microsoft) to find personal info about me and posted it publicly on her blog, along with threats to contact my "boss" and ruin my career. LOL. (It wasn't funny at the time.) Every once in a while, I check back at her personal site and I used to comment occasionally as "anon," but not in a mean way. She would always come back with something nasty and put my "real internet name" out there. LOL. The hilarious thing is that as she gets older, she gets more and more like me (beliefs-wise). I haven't had the guts to mention that on her blog . . . yet. ;) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PachiSusan Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Yes, I do believe that the Mommy Wars are greatly exacerbated by the internet. I don't have HALF the things said to me in real life as I do from emboldened people who seem to just want to denigrate and hurt. A very painful example: I was a moderator on an Attachment Parenting board while I was pregnant. We all talked about how we would breastfeed, sling, co-sleep...you get the picture. Well, with my infertility issues, my body could not produce milk. I did everything I could, but in the end by 6 weeks, I had to go to full formula. I was devastated and I had a supportive family, thank God. I finally posted the end result on the board one day and oh my God - you would not believe the comments I was getting. It came down to the fact that since I was "poisoning" my child with formula, that I needed to give my child to a wet nurse. It was better for me to lose my child and my child lose her mother than to poison her with formula. Add to the fact that Melissa HATED the sling and I chose to vaccinate her, they banned me from the forum and kicked me off the board. NO ONE would DARE be so nasty in real life to me about this. People feel emboldened to say things they would never say online because there is no repercussion. There is no face to look at as you skewer them. There is no quavering voice to hear, or tears in the eyes to see when you hurt someone. It's like we have a whole new generation of people that get their rocks off by hurting others online. My personal feeling is that people have completely lost the ability to debate from facts and realize the difference between "judging" someone and having a different point of view. People see, "I home school" as a judgement of them because they don't rather than simply a comment that someone else has chosen something different. People have completely lost sight of the fact that tolerance goes both ways, and that tolerance is not agreement. I am probably one of those facebookers that people think I"m whitewashing to be positive. Nope, I've been blasted from here to kingdom come every single time I post anything about what I deeply hold true and right in my heart that I don't post anything about politics, religion or any other hot topic anymore. I try to be a positive light in the internet world. I even get blasted for that, and some of my friends as well. On FB, I truly think you just can't win. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Online it seems that there is a constant p**ing contest. "I'm more rigorous. I'm more laid back. I'm the best liberal there is. No one is more conservative than me. I never make my kids do anything. My kids always listen to every word I say. " Yada, yada, yada. Perhaps sometimes. But at least as often I see misinterpretation. Someone types "I take a rigorous approach to homeschooling" and someone else reads that as "you now need to write a dissertation on why a more laid back approach is better and defend yourself ad nauseum". For the record, I fall more on the laid back end on this board. I think justamouse makes an excellent point! When my first was small, I found myself getting sucked in to some of this stuff and worrying about what my quirky kid was and wasn't doing. I found if I relaxed and didn't make everything about me, my kids are more relaxed too. There is a mom I come across on a weekly basis who is so outright and blatant with the comparisons and the bragging. She is a good person for me to meet up with because she's the exact model of the parent I do not want to be. I have literally been speechless at some of the things that come out of her mouth. Our kids go to the same music school, so it's easy to know who is doing what. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 It depends whether I'm PMSing. Actually, I find that after a while, it's the same old thing over and over again. Each time it raises my hackles less, if at all. As long as we continue to have "new initiates" to the parenting "discussions," things will continue to get heated from time to time. Maybe someday some troll will post a Mommy War thread and everyone who sees it will say "yawn" and move on. We can hope! ETA: Though I will say I never would have even thought that some things were worth arguing / disagreeing about, before I saw some of these "wars." I don't find myself always agreeing with you but this is spot-on how I feel. (I basically do go out looking for trouble when I have PMS! I don't mean to, it just happens.) But yeah, in my maturity I'm finding those issues that I used to get so worked up over, I just don't anymore. I know that my opinion won't change, and I won't change someone else's opinion, so why bother wasting precious breath over it? And I think the anonymity of the Internet encourages people to share opinions they would have politely kept to themselves if face-to-face. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TravelingChris Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 No. The facebook stuff I get is all pretty tame. Most of my facebook friends are current or retired homeschoolers. My one friend who is a teacher is very supportive of homeschooling. My friends all know I have a number of chronic illnesses and no one is ever giving my any hassles about working or even going back to work when my youngest graduates in 2.5 years. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 SKL and Susan - WOW!!! That stuff is NUTS!! :svengo: People are crazy. I'm not even kidding. :willy_nilly: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PachiSusan Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 No. The facebook stuff I get is all pretty tame. Most of my facebook friends are current or retired homeschoolers. My one friend who is a teacher is very supportive of homeschooling. My friends all know I have a number of chronic illnesses and no one is ever giving my any hassles about working or even going back to work when my youngest graduates in 2.5 years. I think that I need to do some FB clean out...LOL I didn't carefully friend when I first started out and I feel so sensitive about kicking people off. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
OH_Homeschooler Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 A very painful example: I was a moderator on an Attachment Parenting board while I was pregnant. We all talked about how we would breastfeed, sling, co-sleep...you get the picture. Well, with my infertility issues, my body could not produce milk. I did everything I could, but in the end by 6 weeks, I had to go to full formula. I was devastated and I had a supportive family, thank God. I finally posted the end result on the board one day and oh my God - you would not believe the comments I was getting. It came down to the fact that since I was "poisoning" my child with formula, that I needed to give my child to a wet nurse. It was better for me to lose my child and my child lose her mother than to poison her with formula. Add to the fact that Melissa HATED the sling and I chose to vaccinate her, they banned me from the forum and kicked me off the board. Hmmm, I think I may know which board you are talking about. I visited there and it's become one of my "don't even bother" places because of stuff like this. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 I think that I need to do some FB clean out...LOL I didn't carefully friend when I first started out and I feel so sensitive about kicking people off. I unfriend people all the time. And then sometimes, if it's someone that it would be really obvious or that I know pretty well but I find their posts annoying (more people than I'd care to admit sometimes :lol: ), I just hide them. :D I just got back on FB after 21 days off of it, and immediately rolled my eyes at one status (not parenting related, but religion related) but I was used to it and moved on... only to find a more recent status by someone else, calling out the other person for their status! I was like, 'Forget it! I'm hiding all you people!' :tongue_smilie: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Perhaps sometimes. But at least as often I see misinterpretation. Someone types "I take a rigorous approach to homeschooling" and someone else reads that as "you now need to write a dissertation on why a more laid back approach is better and defend yourself ad nauseum". LOL! This is true. I think it is 100% about our insecurity as mothers (women?). I am curious WHY we are so insecure. I know I am, painfully so. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PachiSusan Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 [/size] Hmmm, I think I may know which board you are talking about. I visited there and it's become one of my "don't even bother" places because of stuff like this. Yes, I have quite a few "don't even bother" places now. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PachiSusan Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I unfriend people all the time. And then sometimes, if it's someone that it would be really obvious or that I know pretty well but I find their posts annoying (more people than I'd care to admit sometimes :lol: ), I just hide them. :D I just got back on FB after 21 days off of it, and immediately rolled my eyes at one status (not parenting related, but religion related) but I was used to it and moved on... only to find a more recent status by someone else, calling out the other person for their status! I was like, 'Forget it! I'm hiding all you people!' :tongue_smilie: I need to do that. There are many people I friended from another board when my Dad died. They were so loving and supportive to me, but since then they haven't commented on anything, or I have learned we're just not on the same page with many things, which is fine, but they're a bit um, hurtful about their vehemence of their side. It is hard to let them go because of how nice they were then, but that's like staying with an abusive boyfriend for the good times, isn't it? LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PachiSusan Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 LOL! This is true. I think it is 100% about our insecurity as mothers (women?). I am curious WHY we are so insecure. I know I am, painfully so. For me, it's the "I want people to like and accept me" bone. LOL It drives me crazy when I realize someone has a false impression of me, or just plain doesn't understand my POV. I don't know if that's insecurity or not. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PachiSusan Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Oh I quit facebook. I found I couldn't talk about homeschooling on facebook and that's stupid because it's a big part of my life. My "friends" couldn't handle it. I made a home education list and put all my "homeys" on it. I talk there and a private FB group about my home schooling and leave it alone on my general page. I have many teacher friends and they would constantly get their panties in a rumple when I talked about any thoughts on education they didn't agree with. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LMD Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Yeah I agree, I also hate that the internet (specifically facebook) makes people (some people) think that they have to be best friends with everybody and that by liking a picture means you're soooooooooooooooo close! So what if we haven't actually had a conversation in years, I saw your holiday pics on facebook so we're bffs. I'm not on facebook, because this is exactly what my family does. I refuse to buy into that guilt trip thankyouverymuch. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mommy22alyns Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I totally think that the internet exacerbates things. I've said it before, I've run into more opposition to homeschooling online than IRL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Word Nerd Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Except for those homemade joke videos, I've not seen Mommy Wars in print or in person. But, all of the moms I associate with IRL have full time jobs. No energy left over for war, I guess. That made me laugh. Sometimes even an eyeroll seems to take too much energy. I have no interest in fighting in the Mommy Wars. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 Parenting is not a competition. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PeacefulChaos Posted January 31, 2013 Author Share Posted January 31, 2013 Parenting is not a competition. I say that all the time! :) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
G5052 Posted March 11, 2013 Share Posted March 11, 2013 Yes, I agree. I'm sometimes not sure that Internet has made us better people. That's also why I don't have a smart phone. I hate being chained to something that is a dilemma, part good and part bad. But the majority of my face-to-face friends would disagree with me. The world has changed, and I don't see us going back at all. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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