Married Folks: Do you nurture friendships with opposite sex individuals?

[bolt.]

I just wanted to apologize for not answering those direct questions up-thread in a timely manner. I wasn't feeling well and just didn't want to try to phrase my thoughts well.

 

As to "how" to nurture friendship in a busy life -- yes, that's hard. I've made an effort to develop a sort of conversational style that will tend to take any "surface" topic down to a more intimate kind of conversation, usually by saying things about my own deeper feelings or thoughts, or by transitioning to a related issue that is something I find significant, interesting or complex. I also try to be a good listener, and sometimes I ask personal questions.

 

Yes, I have trouble nurturing any friendships too -- it's just the categorical rejection of an entire gender's worth of potential friends (simply for gender reasons) that bothers me deeply. Friendship is hard enough, finding people you click with, without eliminating half the candidates right off the bat.

 

And, if you have not experienced it: being the one who is experiencing gender-based reflection in situations where friendship could have been nurtured hurts. I have a hard time not blaming "this culture" that creates wives so insecure that they would actively oppose thier husband being a close, loving, above-reproach friend to a person like me... just because I'm a woman. (And vice-versa.) It's not that I think peopleshould disregard their spouse's feelings. A real friend would not say, "Let your marriage suffer, and be my friend at their expense." Just that An ideal world would be different... And that's what I want for the world.

 

Also, it makes perfect sense that at-home mothers involved in home education would have generally more exposure to women and more in common with women in similar situations. Naturally, friendships develop where you spend your time... Not meeting many men to befriend is not the same as meeting them and intentionally rejecting them.

[ktgrok]

for me the issue isn't that it will instantly turn into sex. It is that if you spend time say, twice a week pursuing something fun with someone other than your spouse, and you develop an amazing connection based on mutual experiences, discussions of said experiences, shared goals, etc. Meanwhile you see your spouse a few hours a day, time spent getting kids clean and fed, and maybe a few days a week you clean the house, do grocery shopping, whatever. Talk about bills, finances, and discipline. Over time that kind of scenario can lead to feeling romantic feelings for the friend, and less romantic feelings for the spouse.

[Granny_Weatherwax]

I put other. When I played competitive tennis the only players in my area who would present a challenge were men. If I wanted court time, a good partner, etc I had to pursue and nurture. For me it was all about the game. DH once told me he wasn't comfortable with it so I quit playing tennis with guys. I went back to the women's league and became quite bored. They don't like my aggressive, fast paced style and I don't like the tea and crumpets game they play. Now, I rarely play tennis at all (mostly due to my permanently broken toe).

 

I also have a problem with my involvement in Scouting. I have had to attend meetings, roundtables, trainings, etc where I am the only woman or one of two or three. If I engage in scouting activities I spend time with men. I can't help that. Yes, I enjoy their company and I learn many things from them, but it's always about scouting, nothing personal. I always make a point of asking about their wives and children. I try not to hang around the divorced men.

 

For my outdoor activities - I rarely get to do these if DH isn't home. Few women in my area are into hiking, backpacking, kayaking, distance biking, etc, so I have no one to invite. Since DH doesn't want me going along with the guys and his work schedule is erratic, my fun trips are few and far between.

 

:(

 

I wish relationships weren't so difficult to navigate.

 

Then again, it's all moot for me. I am not the type of woman men pursue.