Married Folks: Do you nurture friendships with opposite sex individuals?

[Jennifer3141]

It strikes me that the ones saying that having/nurturing a friendship with the opposite sex seem to be confusing gender with sexuality. I don't understand this thought that you can't or shouldn't have a relationship with someone based on a potential for sexual chemistry. Are you attracted to every man? Is every man attracted to you? Why the danger siren going off? You do realize that there is an equal chance that you could be friends with a woman who might *gasp* feel a sexual connection to you?

 

If you're talking about a former flame, I don't see an issue there either. Unless you're unable to mature past a childhood/teenage mind of making out in the back of someone's car? Is there unfinished business? I guess if you're just uncomfortable hanging out with someone who knew you when you were in training bras and braces... no, I don't get it.

 

 

KK, I don't get it either. I can count on one hand the number of men I am sexually attracted to and three of them are movie stars. But I can't shake a stick in my teeny rural community without whacking a guy I'd chose death over a date with any day!!

 

However, if you ever read a story about Daniel Craig going missing in northern MI, he's in my basement and I'm not giving him up. DH can go find a nice nurse somewhere.

 

Oh, and DH has the same deal with Denise Austin and I. Although I hope he doesn't kidnap her because a man kidnapping a woman is just creepy. Me kidnapping Daniel Craig just makes sense.

[Guest inoubliable]

 

 

However, if you ever read a story about Daniel Craig going missing in northern MI, he's in my basement and I'm not giving him up. DH can go find a nice nurse somewhere.

 

Oh, and DH has the same deal with Denise Austin and I. Although I hope he doesn't kidnap her because a man kidnapping a woman is just creepy. Me kidnapping Daniel Craig just makes sense.

 

 

Right. And if you ever hear of Jeff Goldblum gone missing while driving through VA...

 

Oh, seriously. I read that name and all I could think of was a pair of legs in shiny dance tights with scrunchie socks over top and feet in big high top sneakers. I need to go watch Jurassic Park to cleanse my mind now.

[Guest inoubliable]

 

No I get what you mean. I talk to other men. There have been men in our homeschool groups. I talk to DH's male coworkers. I talk to dads at bowling. I would join in a group activity if men were there. I just would not "nurture" a relationship with a man. Meaning, no I am not going to call him up and say hey lets go to the movies on Friday night. I would do that with a woman, but not a man. I guess because I don't want my husband to worry about it. And I would not appreciate it if he did that. If I have time to go out on Friday night I want it to be with my husband anyway.

 

 

Hmm. I get that you wouldn't want your husband to worry. I do see that. My DH wouldn't, but not everyone thinks a boxwood smells like boxwood. And, definitely if I had spare time that coincided with my DH's spare time, I'd rather spend it with him. Sometimes, though, a person needs to go out with a friend and just have some fun or a good talk or share a concert/book reading/movie/marathon with someone who also enjoys those things. Your spouse might not enjoy a smoky club listening to a cover band do R.L. Burnside, but your friend does. KWIM? I think I'm coming from a very different perspective here, though, than most here. I don't wrap my entire being around my DH and kids. First and foremost, I am KK. (Hear me roar...)

[Punks in Ontario]

I put no, but I don't find it's quite that simple. I have a few male friends, but dh is always around and the friendship will never be very close. There's one or two guys I would likely enjoy getting to know better as just friends, but it just isn't going to happen. I just won't let it. Dh has some contact with women at work, but once again there's limits on how friendly things get. Social distant acquaintances are fine. Just not going out to lunch or discussing personal matters.

[Jennifer3141]

 

No I get what you mean. I talk to other men. There have been men in our homeschool groups. I talk to DH's male coworkers. I talk to dads at bowling. I would join in a group activity if men were there. I just would not "nurture" a relationship with a man. Meaning, no I am not going to call him up and say hey lets go to the movies on Friday night. I would do that with a woman, but not a man. I guess because I don't want my husband to worry about it. And I would not appreciate it if he did that. If I have time to go out on Friday night I want it to be with my husband anyway.

 

 

Ok. Now I see what you're saying, Wendy. Whew.

 

I don't consider actively dating to be nurturing a friendship. If you start getting into Friday night movies with another man, then I don't consider that nurturing. I consider nurturing to be returning phone calls to the Aspie homeschool dad when he's got a crisis or hanging out for a drink after work with a co-worker to discuss a work issue.

 

Going out to the movies with another man? How would that even work? Dad stays home while you go see The Hobbit?? I can't even imagine asking/telling my DH that.

 

But when he needs to discuss something privately about work with a woman friend, I have zero problems with him going out to dinner with her. So I suppose the intent of the time together matters.

[Guest inoubliable]

Ok, I see several potential problems... part of it is if you let these people make love bank deposits.. Like if good conversation is important to you and hubby is tired at the end of the day... So you go out with a co-worker to discuss a work issue but gradually the topic changes to things you both enjoy... You continue to meet and suddenly you are at least having an emotional afair.. I wish I could tell you the amount of people that I've known or have read on boards that said, "I never thought it could happen to me. I was never attracted to other men...." Yet there they were... I will talk to men, but I will never meet with them alone or discuss things of a personal nature. That is for my husband alone...

 

 

Love bank deposits?? I don't even...

 

So, you'd never have a discussion with a male friend about something you're both interested in or enjoy, even if your DH didn't enjoy it or wasn't available, because you'd be afraid of continuing to enjoy having those types of conversations with said friend? Is there the same danger with a woman?

[Guest inoubliable]

 

Oh I can see having a discussion about something we are interested in and enjoy, but what if we start talking about stuff beyond that? I talk to women about stuff that is as deep as stuff I talk to with my husband. I would avoid doing that with a man. Yes, I am worried about it getting out of hand. Not that I lack self control, but you never know. I really just don't even want to go there.

 

 

Well, yes, but then that is where maturity and self control come in. You wouldn't let some things go as deep with a man, as you would a woman, because unless they were of your sexual persuasion or in a relationship to you, they probably wouldn't relate anyway. KWIM? OP was talking about a friendship, and seemed to be assuming that ALL opposite-sex friendships would drift into the danger zones based upon the fact that the people involved have complimentary bits.

[Joshin]

Wow, I better watch out I guess, I could cheat at any moment! :confused1:

 

80 percent of my close friends are male. It's always been that way from the time I was a kid. My personal interests are usually male dominated interests (Hockey, comics, astronomy, etc.) I just click better with most guys, although I do have close female friends that are similar to me. DH has quite a few female friends, and I could care less. Generally our friends merge and become shared friends over time, so I could go out for coffee with one of his female friends one day and he could go to a gaming tourney with her the next. Now, most of our friends aren't single, but that's just the stage of life we are in.

 

Oddly enough, I've gone to movies with a male friend. DH doesn't do theaters on opening night, too many people for him to deal with and it causes anxiety. Fortunately, none of the three of us involved realized we were playing with fire by doing so! We picked DH up afterwards for drinks and a game of darts, though.

[Word Nerd]

I have male friends and acquaintances, but I don't seek to get to know them better or spend more time with them—much less one on one. It would be very weird and feel awkward for me to hang out with or go out to dinner with a man who isn't my husband. There are only a few female friends that I do those kinds of things with because I'm an introvert and I prefer to spend my free time at home or with my family. I suppose you could say that I don't "nurture friendships" in general.

[Joshin]

Lol, Wendy! I guess it helps being married to an introverted homebody! He would prefer to stay home and play board games with the kids most evenings. I have to drag him out once in awhile just so he can air out and remember how to socialize with adults :laugh:

[justamouse]

I can't answer. I have a dear, best friend that is a man, who I've been friends with since before I was married. I was their maid of honor, the wife is my dear friend, too.

 

I talk to him just as much as her, him differently. We're more alike, we totally GET eachother. I love his wife, he loves my Dh. He would DIE for his wife.

 

I feel completely safe nurturing that relationship, because we are so happy within our marriages.

 

Otherwise, no, I just personally don't feel that drawn to getting into relationships like that with people, either male or female.

[Guest]

Damn spotty internet. I typed up a response to KK's question, but it is gone!

[Jennifer3141]

 

Love bank deposits?? I don't even...

 

So, you'd never have a discussion with a male friend about something you're both interested in or enjoy, even if your DH didn't enjoy it or wasn't available, because you'd be afraid of continuing to enjoy having those types of conversations with said friend? Is there the same danger with a woman?

 

Perhaps if I stop laughing long enough at the hokiness of a, "love bank deposit" I'll get what you're saying but probably not. And maybe it's different for educated professionals but I don't particularly want to go hang out with my DH and his friend/s while they discuss the latest innovations in MRI technology. No thanks. Have a ball DH, but I ain't going.

 

And I wouldn't expect him to go to the permaculture conference with me but he's got no issue with me carpooling and hoteling it at a conference for three days (different rooms obviously) with a cute-ish single guy (who I like to giggle about being almost theoretically my child... I'm OLD!!!)

[nmoira]

Love bank deposits?? I don't even...

 

So, you'd never have a discussion with a male friend about something you're both interested in or enjoy, even if your DH didn't enjoy it or wasn't available, because you'd be afraid of continuing to enjoy having those types of conversations with said friend? Is there the same danger with a woman?

 

The right woman.

 

But it sounds like a pick up line...

 

"Hey girl, my love bank needs a deposit." My mind didn't stop there, but I will here... I could riff on this for hours (yup, easily amused, even without wine). :tongue_smilie:

[T'smom]

I voted no, because of the word "seek". I wouldn't be completely against a friendship developing naturally, but I'm certainly not going to seek it out. I barely have a chance to get out with dh, I'm not looking to go out without him. (Aside from some girls nights). I'm not exactly against dh having female friends from work or whatever, but since our time is at a premium, I would be pretty irritated if he wanted to spend time that we could be together out with someone else.

[shanvan]

I'm in a disagreement with a friend. I think that to nurture a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is toying with fire. I'm not talking about retaining a friendship that pre-dates your marriage; I'm talking about pursing a closer friendship with someone that is not your spouse. Like the old "rediscovered my high school friend on FB and now want to get together for a cup of coffee" story that sounds like the plot for a made-for-TV-movie.

 

My friend says I am wrong; that this shows you either don't trust yourself or your spouse doesn't trust you (or both), if you would decline the cup of coffee get-together.

 

I think even a great marriage can have it's grass-is-greener moments and that it is better not to walk towards the green grass in the first place. What says the Hive?

 

 

 

I am in absolute agreement with you. I voted other b/c I am kind of 'friends' with a couple of men who are part of couples that both Dh and I are friends with. But, I don't go places with them alone, talk on the phone with them, etc. Any nurturing is done with others around.

 

I think the issue has very little to do with trust and a lot to do with wisdom, humility, and plain old common sense. I know there are times when I am disgusted with Dh. Wouldn't it be convenient to confide in a male friend who really understands me? Ummm...no. I'm not that naive. I realize I'm not perfect and can be tempted or discouraged enough to do stupid things. We all can, whether we want to admit it or not.

[Guest]

I should really just let WendyK make my point because she's saying it perfectly well.

 

I would not nurture a friendship with a guy the way I would with a girl. It would cause my dh angst - that is the primary relationship and I should defer to it. I don't have time to even nurture all my female friendships as well as I'd like, so driving to another state (as was the case in this story) to meet someone I "liked" would be unseemly. I also think many a bad situation comes about one tiny bad choice at a time, so to me, the trend is important - what direction are you going?

[elegantlion]

Nuture, I don't know because dh does get jealous. However, I click with men much better than women. In fact, most of my good women friends feel the same way, so we're all on the same boat.

 

I don't think gender equals sexual attraction. My best friend where we used to live was a bi woman, there was no awkwardness there. My best friend that introduced me to dh was a guy from high school.

 

I used to work in a large office. I would often just go to lunch with the guys.

 

I respect dh enough not to go out of my way to build friendships with men, however, I still talk and converse with them online and in person. There are handful of guys that dh wouldn't care about me interacting with, but we're more couple friends than anything.

 

I think the debate is better served as a discussion between spouses, and not focused on every opposite sex friend being automatically attracted or becoming a stumbling block in marriage. Spouses should decide for themselves, being respectful of each other's position.

[misty.warden]

I don't generally "seek out friends" in the first place. Either I meet a person and like hanging out with them or not. Is there an eHarmony for friendships? I also don't specify gender on any mental checklist when I decided whether or not a person is worth nurturing a relationship with. I don't even think it has to do with having "enough trust" or not in my husband, myself, or my marriage. I guess I just don't think about what a person's pants are covering when I make friends. And I don't start thinking about what their pants are covering when I maintain that friendship. I'm guessing this is coming from a place where someone is defending their right to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex in the face of someone judging them for having it.

 

Can't say I've ever felt the need to cut out potential friends because they have similar plumbing to my partner. "sorry, I know we both could laugh for hours about how much more 4th edition D&D sucks than 3rd but you have a penis so I have to eliminate you from my pool of friends so I don't feel any potential temptation to your junk."

 

It strikes me that the ones saying that having/nurturing a friendship with the opposite sex seem to be confusing gender with sexuality. I don't understand this thought that you can't or shouldn't have a relationship with someone based on a potential for sexual chemistry. Are you attracted to every man? Is every man attracted to you? Why the danger siren going off? You do realize that there is an equal chance that you could be friends with a woman who might *gasp* feel a sexual connection to you? If you're talking about a former flame, I don't see an issue there either. Unless you're unable to mature past a childhood/teenage mind of making out in the back of someone's car? Is there unfinished business? I guess if you're just uncomfortable hanging out with someone who knew you when you were in training bras and braces... no, I don't get it.

 

In my world, nurturing a friendship does not equal having sex with this friend, or even contemplating it. I've never understood that mind set.

 

This. Even in the "former flame" camp, I don't see why a previous relationship always is a harbinger of sexual tension leading to a slippery slope to your current marriage's doom. I don't want to continue having teA with all the people I have previously shared it with and no amount of coffee or talking about our mutual hobbies will cause it to be so. Other people have different boundaries, however passing judgement and saying "that's a BAD idea, your husband/wife would be so jealous!!!1" is juvenile and assumes a lot about all three people.

 

Coparenting after divorce requires nurturing a relationship with an ex, sometimes less close than others but should it be looked down on and thought of as dangerous because of the previous teA? People grow up. The teenager you had a crush on and haven't seen in 20 years has probably moved on, letting 20 year old forgotten tension keep you from having a friend because of his/her plumbing strikes me as paranoid. If you still harbor feelings for this person then by all means stay away, but don't project onto the rest of your gender that they can't move on because you haven't.

[*Lulu*]

I couldn't answer the poll. I like people in small doses and to be familiar. I tend not to pursue friendships. I have had the good fortune of having a few people stick around long enough that I got used to them, and then was able to become friends with them. I have a handful of people (think 3) that I consider "move the body" friends. I have a wider circle of friends that I can chat with about some things, but not all. I do have a slightly wider circle of acquaintances, although I must confess I have a general dislike for half of them.

 

Maybe I am just at the wrong stage of my life to see a viable scenario where I spend enough time with ANY new person to become what I consider a friend. Maybe when I reach the stage where I can go to the bathroom without worrying about a kid trailing me I can put some energy into something besides guarding my alone time! (And my secret stash of chocolate- can't let the little buggers into that!)

[Word Nerd]

I think that to nurture a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is toying with fire.

 

 

FWIW, I know someone who started having an affair with a female friend of hers. Both of them were married to men at the time.

 

I think that nurturing certain friendships can be toying with fire, but it depends on the people involved.

 

When I was single, I had a crush on an older married coworker. A group of people had made tentative plans for an outing at a nearby pub after work. Near the end of the day, it became clear that no one else who'd been invited was planning to go except me. I opted out of going at that point too because I was already attracted to him and it seemed like a really bad idea to go out with him one on one, regardless of whether the attraction was one-sided. If it had been another guy I worked with, I wouldn't have thought anything of it, but with this guy, it was not a friendship that would have been appropriate for me to pursue.

[katilac]

Here is a great example of just how different people can be, and how they can be using the same words with completely different intent. I said earlier that I would not reconnect with an old flame, but I would never in a million years think to include a childhood sweetheart in the old flame category! People I crushed on at 14 or younger are fair game, lol.

 

 

 

Well, that is why I specifically used words like "pursue," "seek" and "nurture." I think it is different being casually friendly with males who are your co-workers vs. seeking to get to know a male friend better, trying to "nurture" the friendship - moving in the direction of getting to know them better.

 

I understand that I didn't put a lot of choice in the poll, but that is because I want people to pick the choice that resonates with them the most strongly. People can always pick "other" if they just can't say the answer is that obvious.

 

Also - the "old flame" in the specific story I'm thinking of was not a physically involved relationship. The pair were friends, but they were also young and so perhaps not at a place of being physically involved. Does that make sense?

 

To me, the choice really is totally stark. If I was dear friends with Sally when we were 14, didn't see her for 20 years, but now she wanted to get together and talk about old times, no problem. If I was dear friends with Bob when we were 14 and too shy to get physical, didn't see him for 20 years, but now he wanted to get together and talk about old times - I say no. I don't think it's wise. That ship sailed when I married dh. There's no concern that I'll decide I'm in love with Sally, but I can't be sure about Bob. I feel it is better to not go there.

 

[Scarlett]

 

 

Well, that is why I specifically used words like "pursue," "seek" and "nurture." I think it is different being casually friendly with males who are your co-workers vs. seeking to get to know a male friend better, trying to "nurture" the friendship - moving in the direction of getting to know them better.

 

I understand that I didn't put a lot of choice in the poll, but that is because I want people to pick the choice that resonates with them the most strongly. People can always pick "other" if they just can't say the answer is that obvious.

 

Also - the "old flame" in the specific story I'm thinking of was not a physically involved relationship. The pair were friends, but they were also young and so perhaps not at a place of being physically involved. Does that make sense?

 

To me, the choice really is totally stark. If I was dear friends with Sally when we were 14, didn't see her for 20 years, but now she wanted to get together and talk about old times, no problem. If I was dear friends with Bob when we were 14 and too shy to get physical, didn't see him for 20 years, but now he wanted to get together and talk about old times - I say no. I don't think it's wise. That ship sailed when I married dh. There's no concern that I'll decide I'm in love with Sally, but I can't be sure about Bob. I feel it is better to not go there.

 

 

I voted never a good idea. I am super cautious about this type if thing.....and it is not always convenient because I am friendly and I like to talk. When I worked I never went to lunch alone with men. Except when I traveled and it could not be avoided without a big problem.....but I am not sure running through airports together and stopping at Denny's on the way to drop off rental car really counts. Still and yet a lot of that I probably wouldn't do again.

 

I am friendly with men I know...but I am not alone with them nor do I have on line conversations as a rule.

 

 

And your example about the childhood boyfriend even one that wasn't physical is dead on accurate. When I first got divorced men came out of the woodwork and one of them was my boyfriend from when we were 14. It was a very innocent relationship....but chatting with him via private fb messaging it was VERY apparent those feelings from over 30 years ago could have been reignited instantly.

[Scarlett]

 

 

 

Utah State University

 

I'm thinking.... Mormons, lots and lots of Mormons.

 

I'm thinking Mormon country. Even people who aren't Mormons are surrounded by Mormon theocracy.

 

I'm thinking it's a real shame these young men still giggle about sex. I want to shake them by the shoulders and tell them to grow up.

 

Life is so much more rewarding when you can learn how to be in control and choose the experiences you want.

 

Good grief.

 

The girls giggled too. They are college kids.

 

I am confused by your point about it being Mormon country....do Mormons convince girls they can be just friends with men, but convince men it is not possible?

[Scarlett]

To bring a little levity to this conversation....

 

 

 

Love this video.

[Scarlett]

Oops

[Scarlett]

Ok, I see several potential problems... part of it is if you let these people make love bank deposits.. Like if good conversation is important to you and hubby is tired at the end of the day... So you go out with a co-worker to discuss a work issue but gradually the topic changes to things you both enjoy... You continue to meet and suddenly you are at least having an emotional afair.. I wish I could tell you the amount of people that I've known or have read on boards that said, "I never thought it could happen to me. I was never attracted to other men...." Yet there they were... I will talk to men, but I will never meet with them alone or discuss things of a personal nature. That is for my husband alone...

 

I agree with you. There is a segment of the population who will never see it this way though. And if they or their mate ends up cheating then they will just say the marriage wasn't a good marriage anyway.

[misty.warden]

*sigh* I guess it's all been decided for us. Men and women can't be friends because a bunch of giggly 19 year olds who may or may not be Mormon say so. Random interviews on YouTube totally define what actions are appropriate after all.

[Scarlett]

*sigh* I guess it's all been decided for us. Men and women can't be friends because a bunch of giggly 19 year olds who may or may not be Mormon say so. Random interviews on YouTube totally define what actions are appropriate after all.

 

I think the point of the video was that men see it much differently than women. I also think a lot of people who think opposite sex friendships are perfectly fine have not seen marriages failing up close and personal.

 

People can do whatever they want. In my life and dh agrees with me.....we will both keep up good boundaries with opposite sex friends.

[KungFuPanda]

I voted 'other' because I don't think it's wrong. The only toxic friend I had to deliberately cut from my life was actually female. Personally, though, while I have male friends, those friendships aren't as close as my female friendships and I don't cultivate them in the same way simply because I think it would probably make my DH uncomfortable. I have gay friends of both genders, and my friendships with the females are closer than with the males. Puzzle that one out.

[misty.warden]

I think the point of the video was that men see it much differently than women. I also think a lot of people who think opposite sex friendships are perfectly fine have not seen marriages failing up close and personal.

 

People can do whatever they want. In my life and dh agrees with me.....we will both keep up good boundaries with opposite sex friends.

 

I think the generalizations that aren't sarcastic as mine was need to stop. Some men and women see these things differently. I hardly think every person interviewed in that library was included in the 3 minute video, there were at most 15 shown, the questions were leading, and the film heavily edited, I suspect to portray what the interviewer wanted to say.

 

I defy your second statement just by existing: I have both seen marriages fail and been in a marriage that failed, doesn't get much more personal than that. Whether or not an opposite sex friendship was part of any given divorce does not make it true that it will cause similar divorces in other marriages. Correlation is not causation and as someone else says in their sig (sadly slips my mind their username) the plural of anecdote is not data.

[Scarlett]

 

 

I think the generalizations that aren't sarcastic as mine was need to stop. Some men and women see these things differently. I hardly think every person interviewed in that library was included in the 3 minute video, there were at most 15 shown, the questions were leading, and the film heavily edited, I suspect to portray what the interviewer wanted to say.

 

I defy your second statement just by existing: I have both seen marriages fail and been in a marriage that failed, doesn't get much more personal than that. Whether or not an opposite sex friendship was part of any given divorce does not make it true that it will cause similar divorces in other marriages. Correlation is not causation and as someone else says in their sig (sadly slips my mind their username) the plural of anecdote is not data.

 

I realize the video was light hearted and probably heavily edited....but I do believe there is an element of truth to it.....is it ALWAYS true? No.

 

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and everyone can run their life the way they see fit.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

 

People can do whatever they want. In my life and dh agrees with me.....we will both keep up good boundaries with opposite sex friends.

 

:confused: I have good boundaries with opposite sex friends. Having friends do not mean not having boundaries. But you are of course right that it is best do do what you and your dh think is best for your marriage.

[Element]

I voted other. I don't really like new people, regardless of gender. My old friends are male and female and I love them all, regardless of gender. :tongue_smilie: ETA: Surprisingly (or maybe not so!) many of my male friends from my school days turned out not to like ladies anyway.

[Susan in TN]

 

No I get what you mean. I talk to other men. There have been men in our homeschool groups. I talk to DH's male coworkers. I talk to dads at bowling. I would join in a group activity if men were there. I just would not "nurture" a relationship with a man. Meaning, no I am not going to call him up and say hey lets go to the movies on Friday night. I would do that with a woman, but not a man. I guess because I don't want my husband to worry about it. And I would not appreciate it if he did that. If I have time to go out on Friday night I want it to be with my husband anyway.

 

This...I have men that I would consider friends on a certain level, but I certainly don't "nurture" the relationship i.e. lets go have lunch for no other reason than to have lunch or meet to play tennis. And on the other side, I also don't know how that man and/or his wife/SO would react to the relationship.

[Scarlett]

 

 

:confused: I have good boundaries with opposite sex friends. Having friends do not mean not having boundaries. But you are of course right that it is best do do what you and your dh think is best for your marriage.

 

 

I wasn't disagreeing with you....and I do have opposite sex friends. Just felt like a few people were being made fun of for their boundaries. Not by you.

[Jean in Newcastle]

OK - I don't like making fun of people.

[OrganicAnn]

I would describe it as "maintain acquaintances" which is more remote and not a chummy as nuturing friendships, usually former co-workers. Often involves getting together with a group of former co-workers when someone comes to town. This applies to both male and female acquaintance. I feel comfortable with my Dh doing the same thing.

[Maela]

 

My best friends are female, but sometimes I do miss the single days of hanging out with the guys, who bring less drama/gossip to the party. Sometimes the emotional upkeep some female relationships require is more than I want to give. Men are easier to relate to. I will never hurt my husband, he is a gift to me and I treasure him.

 

I do think it is an overreaction in some circles, if women are not allowed to have conversations with men (without husband nearby). I try to always be mindful of how I talk, so that anyone walking up can be immediately included as part of the discussion, no exclusive/private conversations with other men. There are some opinions that a married woman should not talk alone with a man, and vise versa. I think this is an overreaction.

 

This exactly. I enjoy being with people that have a good sense of humor, and I know more men that are like this than women. DH and I have been together since high school so we're friends with roughly the same group of men and women. I don't get jealous very easily.

[albeto]

The girls giggled too. They are college kids.

 

I am confused by your point about it being Mormon country....do Mormons convince girls they can be just friends with men, but convince men it is not possible?

 

 

Being Mormon implies a socially conservative culture. Socially conservative suggests sex is more often to be understood as potentially dangerous. The giggling implies an immature response to a particular subject - sex. That the women were more confident with being friends and the men thought that was just silly, suggests to me the men interpret women in sexualized roles more than equal partners / friends.

[SunnyDays]

However, if you ever read a story about Daniel Craig going missing in northern MI, he's in my basement and I'm not giving him up. DH can go find a nice nurse somewhere. Oh, and DH has the same deal with Denise Austin and I. Although I hope he doesn't kidnap her because a man kidnapping a woman is just creepy. Me kidnapping Daniel Craig just makes sense.

 

I don't know what it says about me that I follow the logic of that completely!! ;)

 

We're at a stage of our life where we have mostly couple friends. DH also has work friends... when he goes out with a group of people, no problem. If he were to start spending a lot of one on one time with a woman... I admit it would make me uncomfortable, trust or no trust. So while I talk to guys, am comfortable conversing with nearly anyone and hanging out in a mixed group, I probably wouldn't go deliberately seek out a close, one-on-one male friendship. Part of that is also circumstances... I don't have any social situations where I interact with a lot of guys without my husband, so it would be weird for me to go looking for that. When I worked, yes, I had guys that I knew and hung out with, but not really now.

 

One exception to the rule is a guy I've been very close friends with for twenty five years. DH and I both knew this friend growing up, but I worked with him and we ran in the same social circles. We have never dated or even considered it, we both attended one anothers' weddings and came (with our spouse) to the hospital for visits when children were born. He knows my family of origin and I know his. We still e-mail and talk to one another, but he also plays golf with my husband. My friend recently divorced, but it's not like DH suddenly has a problem with our friendship now that there's availability, KWIM??

 

I think each couple needs to know where their boundaries lie and what is comfortable in their OWN relationship.

[Word Nerd]

 

 

Being Mormon implies a socially conservative culture. Socially conservative suggests sex is more often to be understood as potentially dangerous. The giggling implies an immature response to a particular subject - sex. That the women were more confident with being friends and the men thought that was just silly, suggests to me the men interpret women in sexualized roles more than equal partners / friends.

 

 

So socially liberal college males don't ever giggle about girls?

 

I think you're reading much more into that video than is warranted.

[kalanamak]

I've always been "one of the guys". None of my guy friends ever turned into a romance, and I can only think of two, particularly nerdy/shy guys in college even timidly putting a "shine" on me, which was easily extinquished. My romances have always started with a thumpa-thumpa in the first 3 meetings.

 

When I met my current husband, the moment he spoke I felt I'd been struck in the chest with the blunt side of an axe. Physically, he was an amalgam of my first two crushes, and his voice the same pitch as a beloved father figure. I shook hands goodbye with the whole group of men (house repair company) just so I could shake hands with him (last) and I had to stiffen my legs to keep my knees from buckling when he touched me.

 

No "one of the guys" ever got in the same solar system as that reaction.

[albeto]

I think you're reading much more into that video than is warranted.

 

 

You could be right.

 

:)

[nmoira]

 

I laugh about everything so I must be like 2 and 1/2 in maturity years.

 

 

Between the two of us, we might hit 5.

[nmoira]

Wanna build a sand castle with me? Or maybe we could make a mud pie.

 

 

Given the nature of the thread, "doctor" would have the most comedic oomph, but I'll stick with mud pies. :D

[Alenee]

Voted "other." Sometimes a friendship grows naturally, and was not "sought". Two of my adult godsons are close personal friends. I did not know them before they started coming to the church. Of course, though, they also are good friends with DH. I have long phone conversations with each of these men occasionally because we seek counsel from each other on certain topics, as well as enjoy friendship. Also, in our faith, godparents and godchildren are considered actual family members. No secrets from DH, though. THAT would be wrong.

 

Developing a close friendship with someone who is not part of your regular family activities (such as someone at your office or sports club) presents temptations and pitfalls without them being sought out, or desired by, either party. Yes, slip-ups happen and this type is preventable.

 

 

I voted "no" but you bring up a good point. I have been slowly trying to nurture a relationship with my godfather but as much as I like him, I'm still very uncomfortable with it. I had a coffee date with him but took dh along with me and I've also been trying to get to know his wife.

 

I've had situations that have made me nervous which is why I voted "no".

[Guest]

Interestingly every guy I ever fell for took me months to fall for. I never had that instant O M G thing. But that's just how I am. I need to over analyze things first.

 

My dh was an O M G thing. I was absolute putty. i remember once when I was planning a date with him and while I was getting ready, I was telling myself I was going to keep him at arms length and play it super cool. Then I walked out of the hallway into the family room where he was sitting. He looked up at me from his petting-the-dog posture and it was like I got conked on the head and I said to myself, "OMG, I am in trouble!" :laugh:

 

I can still remember exactly how gorgeous he looked to me in that moment. I even remember what his shirt looked like.

[kalanamak]

 

 

I don't buy for one second that a man and a woman being friends must be playing with sexual fire.

 

I grew up with a pack of brothers, and 99.9999% of the men I've met I've had a sisterly (or professional or adversarial or maternal) feelings for.

 

I also think being able to be brother/sister friends with men makes you less likely to get caught up in a passion fueled by taboo. Maybe if you from a culture where you never so much as spoke to a male who wasn't a relative or a servant from a lower caste and therefore, well, unthinkable as well as untouchable (I'm thinking my ex MIL, who grew up that way, but broke tradition by becoming a nurse).

 

It was not acceptable that I ever sit next to my FIL at a table. My ex used to play little games where he'd grab a chair and force his Dad to sit next to me, and the poor man would crouch at the edge of his chair while his mother called her son "the burnt one" in Panjabi. Really, every time I had to sit next to FIL, I thought of his genitals. Talk about bringing up thoughts that wouldn't have come without the taboo! I don't think about the genitals of any other man I happen to sit next to.

[LucyStoner]

 

I don't think you understand the type of "pursuit" of friendship I'm talking about. Look at the part I bolded. Now - suppose instead of putting all that distance there that you instinctively knew was better, you rationalized it like this, "Oh, Bob is just a *great* guy. We are friends, that's all. We're both married and I'm sure nothing would ever go anywhere else between us. We both have good, strong marriages, right? So, what's the harm in getting together with him for coffee once a week?" Would that not be a different story?

 

 

The fact remains that I successfully set boundaries. That I have never stepped out on my spouse. Just because it would be stupid and perhaps dangerous for me to nurture a friendship with a man that I did feel a spark with does not make it stupid for me to nurture ongoing and even new friendships with males. I think as a grown up lady I should be able to make that call. If I had issues with boundaries or was inclined towards cheating, then that would be a problem. But I am not. And I don't think most people are.

 

I was thinking about this very thread today while crocheting in the hallway at homeschool center classes. I was sitting there and I got involved with a very long and animated conversation with a father who was waiting like me. I talk to this guy a fair bit and we see his family outside of the class setting. His son and my son have become fast friends. He also has a much older son who, like my son has HFA. He is home days, works evenings, while his wife works days so he is the one at the homeschool center on class days. We talked for 2 hours. About autism, math, car repairs, college plans for his older son, a little bit of everything etc. This is an example of a new friendship that is developing. There is literally zip in the way of sexual spark. Nada. He's nearly 20 years my senior and while he is super nice, it would just never happen. Would it be best for me to deny my son regular contact with his friend since playdates mean I see the dad alone for extended periods at times (we share a cup of coffee while the kids play)? Would it be a good idea to not learn from an experienced parent who has BTDT with a child who has HFA and is quite a bit older than my child because that parent happens to be male? Would it be a good idea for me to not talk to this man and isolate him because he's almost the only dad there and I can't trust myself not to jump the bones of a man I am talking to in the hallway? I mean let's get serious, does anyone buy that they have no free will in telling themselves no or saying no to others? If I couldn't trust myself in such a situation, I don't think I would have had any business getting married in the first place. If a male who was not my husband came on to me in any way, I am far more likely to smack them upside the head than get swept away.