Married Folks: Do you nurture friendships with opposite sex individuals?

[freeindeed]

I voted "other." I converse with dh's male friends, but I would not say that I "nurture" those friendships. I would not share my intimate life details with any man other than my husband.

[EmilyK]

I don't see anything wrong with it. Obviously, both husbands and wives need to think about noticing if any friendship they have is veering into in appropriate territory, or they are experiencing feelings for that other person. But I work with many men as peers and clients, and my husband works with many women as peers and clients. We have friendly or mentor/mentee relationships with many of them. I think it would be odd for us to avoid one gender. I have lots of male clients, coworkers etc and it isn't like I'm attracted to all of them just because they are male.

 

I also have made a lot of neighborhood friend who are male -- the committee to improve the park, dads I volunteered in the classroom with when my kids were in public school, things like that. If folks are going out for coffee afterwards to discuss, why only go with women?

 

I think this seems odd to me because in my personal and professional life, about half the people I run across are men. It would be wrong, I think, to shun them for that reason. I also have made quite a few lesbian friends -- would I avoid them too?

 

I would probably feel differently if I lived in a time, place and circumstance where people followed more gender roles in terms of parenting, volunteering, hobbies, work etc.

[elizabeth]

LOL at pee on the leg. :)

 

DH only needs to worry if the Doctor shows up in the TARDIS.

 

Your husband is safe because I will edge you out of the Tardis if David Tennant is commanding the ship. MMhmm. yes I would. :laugh:

[mrseshaw]

Nope. One has to protect their marriage! Guard it like you do your children.

 

Dh is a young professor and has cute undergrads stopping in his office all the time with questions, asking explanations to problems, etc. I've put pictures of our family, son, sons art work all over his office as a statement.

I trust my husband, it's the undergrads I worry about!

 

 

[armymomma]

I could be friends with a man. I grew up in testorone filled home and joined the Army. I get along better with men because I am no drama kind of girl. DH tells me that sex is always on the guy's mind. Always. Guess he can't have any lady friends! I just go hang with my brothers, nephews, sons, etc....

[EmilyK]

I'm still a bit confused about this, so I thought I would throw my personal situation out there and see what people think.

 

Before we had kids, my husband and I had more time for socializing together. Even so, there were times when one of us just wasn't interested in a certain event. I had a male work friend who was then single, and he liked going to movies more than my husband, so sometimes he and I would catch a movie my husband had no interest in. I had a female friend like that too, and we didn't think anything of it, as long as I didn't get so busy with the movie friends that I didn't see my husband.

 

More recently -- my husband loves going to see live music, always has. When a band is in town that he likes, he tries to buy 2 tickets (we're talking small venue shows, not expensive mega shows). If it is a band I like, I'm sure I have dibs -- but honestly, I have limits about how many smoky late night shows I want to see when I have to get up in the morning. When the kids were little, that number approached zero. It is better now, but still I'm often happy if my husband takes one of his friends. Among those friends are a few women. I haven't thought anything of it. Would it bother the people on this list? Would you go even though you don't want to? Or ask your husband to give up that interest? Or only ask the men, or go by himself? Just curious.

[BigMamaBird]

I have male friends that I contact with via FB and chat with in church or at co-op. But I don't call them on the phone, meet them for one on one socializing, etc. So no, I don't "nuture" friendships with males but I do have them.

[Scarlett]

I'm still a bit confused about this, so I thought I would throw my personal situation out there and see what people think.

 

Before we had kids, my husband and I had more time for socializing together. Even so, there were times when one of us just wasn't interested in a certain event. I had a male work friend who was then single, and he liked going to movies more than my husband, so sometimes he and I would catch a movie my husband had no interest in. I had a female friend like that too, and we didn't think anything of it, as long as I didn't get so busy with the movie friends that I didn't see my husband.

 

More recently -- my husband loves going to see live music, always has. When a band is in town that he likes, he tries to buy 2 tickets (we're talking small venue shows, not expensive mega shows). If it is a band I like, I'm sure I have dibs -- but honestly, I have limits about how many smoky late night shows I want to see when I have to get up in the morning. When the kids were little, that number approached zero. It is better now, but still I'm often happy if my husband takes one of his friends. Among those friends are a few women. I haven't thought anything of it. Would it bother the people on this list? Would you go even though you don't want to? Or ask your husband to give up that interest? Or only ask the men, or go by himself? Just curious.

 

It would bother me very very much and I would go with my dh if it was important to him.

[Scarlett]

 

 

The fact remains that I successfully set boundaries. That I have never stepped out on my spouse. Just because it would be stupid and perhaps dangerous for me to nurture a friendship with a man that I did feel a spark with does not make it stupid for me to nurture ongoing and even new friendships with males. I think as a grown up lady I should be able to make that call. If I had issues with boundaries or was inclined towards cheating, then that would be a problem. But I am not. And I don't think most people are.

 

I was thinking about this very thread today while crocheting in the hallway at homeschool center classes. I was sitting there and I got involved with a very long and animated conversation with a father who was waiting like me. I talk to this guy a fair bit and we see his family outside of the class setting. His son and my son have become fast friends. He also has a much older son who, like my son has HFA. He is home days, works evenings, while his wife works days so he is the one at the homeschool center on class days. We talked for 2 hours. About autism, math, car repairs, college plans for his older son, a little bit of everything etc. This is an example of a new friendship that is developing. There is literally zip in the way of sexual spark. Nada. He's nearly 20 years my senior and while he is super nice, it would just never happen. Would it be best for me to deny my son regular contact with his friend since playdates mean I see the dad alone for extended periods at times (we share a cup of coffee while the kids play)? Would it be a good idea to not learn from an experienced parent who has BTDT with a child who has HFA and is quite a bit older than my child because that parent happens to be male? Would it be a good idea for me to not talk to this man and isolate him because he's almost the only dad there and I can't trust myself not to jump the bones of a man I am talking to in the hallway? I mean let's get serious, does anyone buy that they have no free will in telling themselves no or saying no to others? If I couldn't trust myself in such a situation, I don't think I would have had any business getting married in the first place. If a male who was not my husband came on to me in any way, I am far more likely to smack them upside the head than get swept away.

 

Your 2 hours chatting with a fellow homeschoolers in a hallway is not what I have in mind as inappropriate. I guess that is the trouble with trying to pin this stuff down....all our experiences are so different.

[Mergath]

As a bisexual person (yes, I am, yes I've mentioned it here before, and no, it's not exactly something I put in my sig) I'd be in for a very lonely life if I didn't associate with any members of the genders to which I'm attracted. If I did meet someone I couldn't keep my hands off, I probably wouldn't go out of my way to cultivate a close friendship with them.

 

I think the people who feel like they can't ever associate with members of the opposite sex without something sexual happening should see a doctor. You might have some kind of hormonal imbalance or something. :huh: Getting all worked up every time you talk to a man must be painful.

[Scarlett]

As a bisexual person (yes, I am, yes I've mentioned it here before, and no, it's not exactly something I put in my sig) I'd be in for a very lonely life if I didn't associate with any members of the genders to which I'm attracted. If I did meet someone I couldn't keep my hands off, I probably wouldn't go out of my way to cultivate a close friendship with them.

 

I think the people who feel like they can't ever associate with members of the opposite sex without something sexual happening should see a doctor. You might have some kind of hormonal imbalance or something. :huh: Getting all worked up every time you talk to a man must be painful.

 

 

That is not the way it happens. It normally doesn't happen that you met someone you 'can't keep your hands off of.'

[aggieamy]

I've always been "one of the guys". None of my guy friends ever turned into a romance, and I can only think of two, particularly nerdy/shy guys in college even timidly putting a "shine" on me, which was easily extinquished. My romances have always started with a thumpa-thumpa in the first 3 meetings. When I met my current husband, the moment he spoke I felt I'd been struck in the chest with the blunt side of an axe. Physically, he was an amalgam of my first two crushes, and his voice the same pitch as a beloved father figure. I shook hands goodbye with the whole group of men (house repair company) just so I could shake hands with him (last) and I had to stiffen my legs to keep my knees from buckling when he touched me. No "one of the guys" ever got in the same solar system as that reaction.

 

I just love your story of romance with your DH. It has such a charm to it.

[Mergath]

That is not the way it happens. It normally doesn't happen that you met someone you 'can't keep your hands off of.'

 

 

No, but you usually know whether or not there is a physical attraction in the early stages of a friendship. And yes, there are friendships that develop into more over time, but the possibility that you might, possibly find yourself attracted to someone over time isn't enough to dissuade me from having friends. Life is too short to miss out on so many wonderful people. And I do have some small amount of self-control. Even if I am attracted to someone, I value my marriage and my family more than I would ever want any affair.

[shanvan]

It's not a sexual issue to me. It's an intimacy issue.

 

 

:iagree:

[Mergath]

It's not a sexual issue to me. It's an intimacy issue.

 

 

If that's the case, wouldn't it be a problem to have close friends of either gender?

[Mergath]

 

Could be. And of course lots of people are attracted to both genders. ***I didn't read anything here except the OP! There's probably a bunch of stuff I missed!! My personal opinion is, if your spouse//longterm partner is uncomfortable, you should quit it.

 

 

Lol... I skimmed really, really fast. :p

[nmoira]

As a bisexual person (yes, I am, yes I've mentioned it here before, and no, it's not exactly something I put in my sig) I'd be in for a very lonely life if I didn't associate with any members of the genders to which I'm attracted. If I did meet someone I couldn't keep my hands off, I probably wouldn't go out of my way to cultivate a close friendship with them.

 

I think the people who feel like they can't ever associate with members of the opposite sex without something sexual happening should see a doctor. You might have some kind of hormonal imbalance or something. :huh: Getting all worked up every time you talk to a man must be painful.

 

 

I find the kind of segregation talked about here to be problematic, in that it reinforces traditional gender stereotypes and offers little hope of truly understanding the POV of persons of the opposite gender. Men are people too, and not just walking bags of testosterone, so this goes both ways -- men are cheated as well. It is also hetero-normative in assumption, and of course not all affairs are opposite sex, even among those identifying as heterosexual.

[Guest]

 

The fact remains that I successfully set boundaries. That I have never stepped out on my spouse. Just because it would be stupid and perhaps dangerous for me to nurture a friendship with a man that I did feel a spark with does not make it stupid for me to nurture ongoing and even new friendships with males. I think as a grown up lady I should be able to make that call. If I had issues with boundaries or was inclined towards cheating, then that would be a problem. But I am not. And I don't think most people are.

 

I was thinking about this very thread today while crocheting in the hallway at homeschool center classes. I was sitting there and I got involved with a very long and animated conversation with a father who was waiting like me. I talk to this guy a fair bit and we see his family outside of the class setting. His son and my son have become fast friends. He also has a much older son who, like my son has HFA. He is home days, works evenings, while his wife works days so he is the one at the homeschool center on class days. We talked for 2 hours. About autism, math, car repairs, college plans for his older son, a little bit of everything etc. This is an example of a new friendship that is developing. There is literally zip in the way of sexual spark. Nada. He's nearly 20 years my senior and while he is super nice, it would just never happen. Would it be best for me to deny my son regular contact with his friend since playdates mean I see the dad alone for extended periods at times (we share a cup of coffee while the kids play)? Would it be a good idea to not learn from an experienced parent who has BTDT with a child who has HFA and is quite a bit older than my child because that parent happens to be male? Would it be a good idea for me to not talk to this man and isolate him because he's almost the only dad there and I can't trust myself not to jump the bones of a man I am talking to in the hallway? I mean let's get serious, does anyone buy that they have no free will in telling themselves no or saying no to others? If I couldn't trust myself in such a situation, I don't think I would have had any business getting married in the first place. If a male who was not my husband came on to me in any way, I am far more likely to smack them upside the head than get swept away.

 

 

This is not the type of situation I'm talking about.

 

There was a homeschool dad I was friends with and I invited him into our playgroup. Sometimes it happened that others couldn't come so on a given playdate, it was this father, his kids and myself and my kids. Nothing "dangerous" in this scenario. BUT if I found myself thinking what an attractive guy H. was and how he was so good with the kids and then I started calling H. to chat and get close to him...this is what I think is wrong. Or likewise, if that seemed to be what H. was doing - started calling me to chat and behaving as though we should become exclusively close friends within the playgroup.

 

Naturally, I don't run screaming from the room whenever a man says "Hi" to me for fear that I might suddenly be attracted to him. :rolleyes: I don't feel at liberty to spell out every detail of the particular situation that brought on my question - it is the WORLD wide web, after all. But take my word for it, the male-female friendship in this case has the potential to lead to attraction that is more than just discussing backyard chicken habitats. The person rationalizing (is how it looks to me) the friendship seems in denial that this potential exists. I think many a mistake begins that way.

[Jean in Newcastle]

This is what I mean by boundaries. Personally I don't think it is good to have anyone be more important than my husband. So if I were to run to my sister, for example, every time I needed solace or wanted to talk about more personal subjects, then I think that would be wrong. And no, I wouldn't be tempted to have an affair with my sister.

 

I have male and female friends. We talk about many things - some personal. Some of my interests are not shared by my dh. So male or female, I go to friends with those same interests to discuss those things in depth. My female friends and relatives have a (surprise!) female way of looking at things with dh doesn't have. Sometimes I talk to them about things were I specifically want a female point of view. I value the male points of view of my male friends. But I have a boundary in my mind that I don't cross. It is hard to explain what that boundary is exactly since it is internal but there is a kind of softness in my relationship with my husband that I don't have with anyone else. (I know that doesn't explain it well but that' s the best I can do.)

[Murphy101]

I don't know what other people's concept of "nurture" means.

 

I don't go looking for friendship with men, but I don't put myself in weird situations either.

 

I have exactly two men other than my dh I consider friends. I would never meet alone with either of them for a coffee date. I don't touch them other than the rare hug of condolence or sympathy for a trial they are having. I don't discuss anything with them I wouldn't discuss with my husband, but I don't discuss anything with my girl friends I don't discuss with my dh either. I might not be at all close to their wives, but their wives are always welcome anytime. But then again, that is true of my girlfriends' husbands too. They are my friend, their spouse is someone they love, therefore their spouse is a de facto friend , tho maybe not a close one, baring some awful reason for them not to be.

 

I never planned to become friends with these two men. But they're good people and their wives and kids are good people. I don't have two am phone chats with them or have coffee dates or have secrets with them.

 

So I guess I don't know what is meant by nurture. Is it nurturing a friendship that I will do something nice for them if we haven't been able to schedule a playdate in a long time? Say drop off a coffee or cake? I've done that. Some days between all the kids and life, I might go a long time not seeing my IRL friends. Or even being able to have a long interrupted conversation on the phone. So I'll run by their house while running errands and make a coffee or cake fairy delivery. I don't go in, but it's just a way of keeping in touch, yk.

 

Is it nurturing a friendship that if they call with a crisis, I drop everything same as I would for any other friend and do whatever I can to help? Guilty.

 

There is nurturing a friendship and there is nurturing a romance.

 

I guess I don't understand why your friend needs a coffee date. Why can't they go on a double date? Or even just have him over for dinner if for some reason his wife can't attend?

 

I just asked dh. Soooo. What would he think if I said I wanted to go have a coffee date with Gideon?

 

Dh: I'd have a problem with my wife dating another man. You know, what with you already being married to me and all.

 

Okay what if I said I wanted to just go have a friends night out, but Gideon with the only friend I went with?

 

Son17 from other room listening in: That would be awkward.

Dh: yeahhh. Is this some board thing someone posted?

 

Okay, now what if it was someone male I haven't already been friends with for some time?

 

Dh and son17 in unison: I'd have a problem with that.

 

Dh says if I said Gideon and I were going out to brainstorm for a book, he wouldn't have a problem.

 

So there's a snippet of our vague sentiment on the matter.

[Dandelion]

I voted "other".

 

I don't actively seek out friendships with guys. All of my close friends are women. But, I'm still in touch with a lot of the guys I worked with at my last company and we occasionally check in with each other (every few months or so) via email, phone, etc. just to keep in touch. A few times, a group of us have gotten together for lunch or happy hour. Sometimes the group is mixed - sometimes I might be the only woman there. We have a great camaraderie from working together for 10 years, and it's important to me to keep in touch with them for both personal and professional reasons.

 

My DH has met many, but not all, of these guys (he and I used to work for the same company) and I usually mention to him when I've been in contact with someone, if it's someone he knows. He has no issue with this whatsoever.

 

I would say that if you're married and find yourself attracted to someone, the wise thing to do would be to steer clear.

[fraidycat]

No, I do not seek opposite sex friendships. I have some old ones - from high school, but in my lifestyle (live a couple thousand miles away from "home') those friendships are a quick text every now and again - maybe twice a year, to catch up. In a "Hey, still alive? Ok, cool." kind of way. :)

 

Acquaintances due to circumstances (work, volunteer work, classes, etc.) are another thing. You can talk to people, or grab a quick coffee or bite to eat even - if you both happen to be in the same place at the same time. However, making specific plans for, or not including your spouse for "outside of work/volunteer/class time" would be a huge no-no, in my book. That is looking to invite trouble.

[misty.warden]

 

This is not the type of situation I'm talking about.

 

There was a homeschool dad I was friends with and I invited him into our playgroup. Sometimes it happened that others couldn't come so on a given playdate, it was this father, his kids and myself and my kids. Nothing "dangerous" in this scenario. BUT if I found myself thinking what an attractive guy H. was and how he was so good with the kids and then I started calling H. to chat and get close to him...this is what I think is wrong. Or likewise, if that seemed to be what H. was doing - started calling me to chat and behaving as though we should become exclusively close friends within the playgroup. By this do you mean a situation where there is daydreaming and such about him (or him about you) as a potential mate? Because that's not my understanding of what "nurturing a friendship" means. That would be entertaining the thought of being in a relationship and I can see why anyone would think that is not OK. If it was "he's so good with kids, we should talk more about parenting tips because I'm having a hard time" that's friendship for me, "he's such a good guy and father, I'd rather spend time with him than DH..." is a big red flag and NOT friendship, IMO.

 

Naturally, I don't run screaming from the room whenever a man says "Hi" to me for fear that I might suddenly be attracted to him. :rolleyes: I don't feel at liberty to spell out every detail of the particular situation that brought on my question - it is the WORLD wide web, after all. But take my word for it, the male-female friendship in this case has the potential to lead to attraction that is more than just discussing backyard chicken habitats. The person rationalizing (is how it looks to me) the friendship seems in denial that this potential exists. I think many a mistake begins that way.

 

 

The potential is there, I don't see anyone saying it never happens or couldn't happen. There are multiple outcomes to any situation and I don't think it's a bad thing to know one's own boundaries, however it's good to draw the line at "I'm not comfortable" before (general) you get into "bad idea for everyone" territory, KWIM? Not everyone is susceptible to the same degree to every behavior.

[shanvan]

This is not the type of situation I'm talking about.

 

There was a homeschool dad I was friends with and I invited him into our playgroup. Sometimes it happened that others couldn't come so on a given playdate, it was this father, his kids and myself and my kids. Nothing "dangerous" in this scenario. BUT if I found myself thinking what an attractive guy H. was and how he was so good with the kids and then I started calling H. to chat and get close to him...this is what I think is wrong. Or likewise, if that seemed to be what H. was doing - started calling me to chat and behaving as though we should become exclusively close friends within the playgroup.

 

Naturally, I don't run screaming from the room whenever a man says "Hi" to me for fear that I might suddenly be attracted to him. :rolleyes: I don't feel at liberty to spell out every detail of the particular situation that brought on my question - it is the WORLD wide web, after all. But take my word for it, the male-female friendship in this case has the potential to lead to attraction that is more than just discussing backyard chicken habitats. The person rationalizing (is how it looks to me) the friendship seems in denial that this potential exists. I think many a mistake begins that way.

 

 

Since I had a friend who did exactly this, I knew what you meant. Some are misunderstanding completely. I agreed with your original post. And yeah, I'm not worried that I need professional help b/c I might be attracted to every man I see.

 

As several other posters mentioned I'm just not going to be putting energy into nurturing a relationship with a man other than my husband. I barely have time & energy for Dh as it is! And as JEan mentioned, it's possible for any friendship to become overly intimate to the point that it becomes competition for a marriage.

 

Loved Martha's conversation. Very entertaining. I can see my Dh asking 'is this from your board?'

[misty.warden]

Since I had a friend who did exactly this, I knew what you meant. Some are misunderstanding completely. I agreed with your original post. And yeah, I'm not worried that I need professional help b/c I might be attracted to every man I see.

 

As several other posters mentioned I'm just not going to be putting energy into nurturing a relationship with a man other than my husband. I barely have time & energy for Dh as it is! And as JEan mentioned, it's possible for any friendship to become overly intimate to the point that it becomes competition for a marriage.

 

Loved Martha's conversation. Very entertaining. I can see my Dh asking 'is this from your board?'

 

 

Was this what OP meant? If so, I think I was thrown off by the "opposite sex" part of the title. If you don't have time for your most intimate emotional relationship as it is, of course there's nothing wrong with pruning and not looking for other people to spend time with, but the emphasis on these "friendships" leading to teA is not the main issue in that case.

[Guest]

I became friends with a SAHD that lives by us. We hang out, but there are kids always around. So, it's okay under those circumstances, but we wouldn't hang out alone.

[Joanne]

I welcome friendship when it develops, emerges, or presents. Life is too short and people too precious to deny connection.

 

I allow and welcome relationships with humans. Their gender doesn't factor into that.

 

Once, when married to my xh, I had an *attraction* to another man. He was in AA and went to some of the same meetings I did. He was an English Major. :) My xh was a jerk and I was lonely. I found myself looking for my best looking on me clothes and looking forward to those meetings. I stopped myself from going to those meetings, minimized my interaction with him.

 

I have not had the same problem since. If I did, I'd make appropriate choices.

 

I think the "never a good idea" choice is sad, and the number of responses sad.

 

2 of my closest friends are male.

 

My DH has some social and boundary issues now, so *his* situation needs to be evaluated on a different standard.

[musicianmom]

I can't really fathom hanging out one on one socially with some other guy. It would just be weird for me. Even if I wanted to, 99% of the men I know are married and their wives would not approve, lol.

[violamama]

No, though if it were truly a cup of coffee only and it was an old school friend or something, maybe. Of course, I would be bringing my 7 and 4 year old.

 

I don't really find men other than my man all that interesting to hang out with anyway. I am also just bent enough that I prefer my social time to be spent in groups rather than frittered away in small talk with a single other person who I don't know well.

 

It would really bother me if my husband ever "nurtured" a friendship with a single woman, and it's not just a trust thing.

[Guest inoubliable]

 

I'm sure some of you will scoff, but my husband and I had drifted and since we have been spending more time together making those love bank deposits, we are more in love than we have been in many, many years.. So make fun if you want.

 

 

I wasn't making fun. It seemed a bizarre statement made without context and caught me (and others, I'm sure) off guard. It struck me as hilarious. Because I can be an immature ass sometimes. I apologize if I hurt your feelings.

 

I understand what you're saying. I think what you're saying makes sense. I don't think that's what the OP was talking about, though. It seemed like she was describing a simple friendship, not a reaching out for someone who "understands" or "gets it" or fulfills a need not being met by a spouse.

[Guest inoubliable]

 

LOL..I'm an immature @$$ too. FWIW immature @$$e$ have more fun.

 

 

Aye, LOL. That is so. Still, I wanted to apologize if I hurt someone's feelings. I didn't mean to do that.

[Guest inoubliable]

But see that is the danger and I've read about it on board after board or seen it in real life. They have been friends with someone since childhood or for 10 years. It has been innocent. No intentions whatsoever... and then the marriage hits a rough spot..... Of course innocent friend would be an easy person to talk to about it.... slippery slope... Before you know it at least an emotional affair.

 

 

 

 

I know. And that's all I'm saying on that.

 

I just don't think that friendships between people of the opposite sex should be off limits based on the potential for that happening. You could be missing out on a great friendship that way.

[Homemaker]

I am a Christian to preface this, no, men and women cannot be "friends" if married and they should not especially not be nurturing a friendship with someone of the opposite sex. My husband and I made a decision to not be alone with someone of the opposite sex if possible. It is just a way to protect our marriage. (of course there are a few situations it is unavidoble). I believe you are playing with fire big time by thinking it is fine to go hang out with the neighborman or whoever by yourself when you are married,

[Hunter's Moon]

I don't know what other people's concept of "nurture" means.

 

I don't go looking for friendship with men, but I don't put myself in weird situations either.

 

I have exactly two men other than my dh I consider friends. I would never meet alone with either of them for a coffee date. I don't touch them other than the rare hug of condolence or sympathy for a trial they are having. I don't discuss anything with them I wouldn't discuss with my husband, but I don't discuss anything with my girl friends I don't discuss with my dh either. I might not be at all close to their wives, but their wives are always welcome anytime. But then again, that is true of my girlfriends' husbands too. They are my friend, their spouse is someone they love, therefore their spouse is a de facto friend , tho maybe not a close one, baring some awful reason for them not to be.

 

I never planned to become friends with these two men. But they're good people and their wives and kids are good people. I don't have two am phone chats with them or have coffee dates or have secrets with them.

 

So I guess I don't know what is meant by nurture. Is it nurturing a friendship that I will do something nice for them if we haven't been able to schedule a playdate in a long time? Say drop off a coffee or cake? I've done that. Some days between all the kids and life, I might go a long time not seeing my IRL friends. Or even being able to have a long interrupted conversation on the phone. So I'll run by their house while running errands and make a coffee or cake fairy delivery. I don't go in, but it's just a way of keeping in touch, yk.

 

Is it nurturing a friendship that if they call with a crisis, I drop everything same as I would for any other friend and do whatever I can to help? Guilty.

 

There is nurturing a friendship and there is nurturing a romance.

 

I guess I don't understand why your friend needs a coffee date. Why can't they go on a double date? Or even just have him over for dinner if for some reason his wife can't attend?

 

I just asked dh. Soooo. What would he think if I said I wanted to go have a coffee date with Gideon?

 

Dh: I'd have a problem with my wife dating another man. You know, what with you already being married to me and all.

 

Okay what if I said I wanted to just go have a friends night out, but Gideon with the only friend I went with?

 

Son17 from other room listening in: That would be awkward.

Dh: yeahhh. Is this some board thing someone posted?

 

Okay, now what if it was someone male I haven't already been friends with for some time?

 

Dh and son17 in unison: I'd have a problem with that.

 

Dh says if I said Gideon and I were going out to brainstorm for a book, he wouldn't have a problem.

 

So there's a snippet of our vague sentiment on the matter.

 

 

My conversation with DH went the same.

 

Like someone up thread said, it is not a sexual issue, but an intimacy issue.

 

If DH confided in any friend more than me, no matter the gender, I would be hurt and wonder if he does not trust me.

 

I would not want to give DH an unnecessary reason to worry. If I am hanging out with guys in a group setting of other friends, DH would have no problem with it. If I was alone with a guy though, DH would, and I do not blame him.

 

I think it all comes down to each specific relationship. There is no one size fits all in this or any situation. What seems foreign to me in a relationship may not be to another, and vice versa. Live and let live and all that :)

[Heather in Neverland]

No, I do not "hang out" with men who are not my dh. It would not even occur to me and seems inappropriate.

 

This always cracked me up (and rings true to me):

 

 

[Scarlett]

If that's the case, wouldn't it be a problem to have close friends of either gender?

 

 

Intimacy can lead to sex and that is a very real danger---so that is the problem with opposite sex friends (and for you I guess everyone) As mentioned here several times, intimacy in the extreme with ANYONE can take away from intimacy with your spouse especially when there are problems as is normal in life.

[Scarlett]

No, but you usually know whether or not there is a physical attraction in the early stages of a friendship. And yes, there are friendships that develop into more over time, but the possibility that you might, possibly find yourself attracted to someone over time isn't enough to dissuade me from having friends. Life is too short to miss out on so many wonderful people. And I do have some small amount of self-control. Even if I am attracted to someone, I value my marriage and my family more than I would ever want any affair.

 

 

I never meet any man ever and feel physically attracted to him. Maybe when I was 15, 16 whatever....once I was married I reserved that for my dh. It is the intimacy that is created when one spends a lot of time with someone, or nurtures a relationship through conversations (even on line and email) that leads to attraction to me.

 

Also I try to be very careful with other's feelings...I wouldn't want to to give the wrong idea to a lonely man.

[Joanne]

I don't really find men other than my man all that interesting to hang out with anyway. I am also just bent enough that I prefer my social time to be spent in groups rather than frittered away in small talk with a single other person who I don't know well.

 

 

 

I find this odd. Frittered?

 

The question is about friendship - to me that implies already knowing a person.

 

You don't find men interesting? I find many humans interesting, engaging, and worth my time. Some of them male..

[Guest]

I'm sorry I'm not up to speed on every post since last night, but I wanted to speak to a couple.

 

In the original situation, Attractive Male Friend extended an invitation to Female Friend from Teenagerhood, "Hey, it would be great if you could come to (a neighboring state) and hang out for a bit." So Female Friend says, "Hmmm. I would like to, but my husband may definitely think it's going a bit far to give up a weekend (since the drive would necessitate a stay in a hotel) to go 'hang out' with my friend I haven't seen IRL since teenagerhood." Attractive Male says, "Bring your husband if you want. I don't care." Female Friend says, "That's not really a solution, Dh doesn't want to give over a weekend to go hang out with my best male teenager friend. So, if I came at all, it would be alone." Attractive Male says, "Then your dh is a jealous @ss. Or you don't trust your own character. Or both." Female Friend says, "But wouldn't that indicate that I'm willing to put quite a bit of effort into seeing you? I don't even spend as much time with other, current friends as I want to, let alone those that live in another state." Attractive Male gets offended that he's not "worth" the time investment. Female Friend wonders if she is correct and making a wise decision or if she's being old-fashioned and paranoid.

 

I think her decision is wise.

 

Was this what OP meant? If so, I think I was thrown off by the "opposite sex" part of the title. If you don't have time for your most intimate emotional relationship as it is, of course there's nothing wrong with pruning and not looking for other people to spend time with, but the emphasis on these "friendships" leading to teA is not the main issue in that case.

 

Ok, since I'm getting tons of flack about love bank deposits I will explain. It is a concept from Dr. harley and Marriage Builders. Everyone has emotional needs. ( affection, admiration, sex, conversation, etc.) The reason you fell in love with your spouse is because they met that need very very well. You spent tons of time together talking, and holding hands ( Typically, women have conversatin and affection as their top needs, though they aren't mine.) They filled up your love bank. typically they were not making withdrawals by doing love busters either ( angry outbursts, disrespectful judgements, etc) Because if they were, you would have stopped dating them. As long as you and your husband continue to make those love bank deposits, you will continue to feel like you are in love. If you don't make deposits, then your love bank will go in the red: just like, don't care for, hate. The problem is that in most marriages you drift. Work takes time away. Children take time away. Homeschooling, your hobbies. So the husband goes off golfing ( recreational companionship is typically a top need for males) the wife goes shopping with her friends. And the love bank deposits are not made and suddenly you have little in common. Enter a male friend. If conversation is your top need and your husband isn't meeting it but he is...danger ahead. If the most recreational activitiy you enjoy you enjoy with someone other than your husband...danger ahead. I'm sure some of you will scoff, but my husband and I had drifted and since we have been spending more time together making those love bank deposits, we are more in love than we have been in many, many years.. So make fun if you want.

 

I understood "love bank deposits," and I agree with you. I think it's a silly name, but I agree with the premise. I know that my "love language" is words of affirmation. If a male friend of mine started telling me how awesome I am at everything, it would feel like he loves me more than dh, who is not dumb-struck with my awesomeness anymore and, as such, doesn't continuously give me praise.

 

I'm a praise glutton.

[Scarlett]

I'm sorry I'm not up to speed on every post since last night, but I wanted to speak to a couple.

 

In the original situation, Attractive Male Friend extended an invitation to Female Friend from Teenagerhood, "Hey, it would be great if you could come to (a neighboring state) and hang out for a bit." So Female Friend says, "Hmmm. I would like to, but my husband may definitely think it's going a bit far to give up a weekend (since the drive would necessitate a stay in a hotel) to go 'hang out' with my friend I haven't seen IRL since teenagerhood." Attractive Male says, "Bring your husband if you want. I don't care." Female Friend says, "That's not really a solution, Dh doesn't want to give over a weekend to go hang out with my best male teenager friend. So, if I came at all, it would be alone." Attractive Male says, "Then your dh is a jealous @ss. Or you don't trust your own character. Or both." Female Friend says, "But wouldn't that indicate that I'm willing to put quite a bit of effort into seeing you? I don't even spend as much time with other, current friends as I want to, let alone those that live in another state." Attractive Male gets offended that he's not "worth" the time investment. Female Friend wonders if she is correct and making a wise decision or if she's being old-fashioned and paranoid.

 

I think her decision is wise.

 

 

 

 

 

I understood "love bank deposits," and I agree with you. I think it's a silly name, but I agree with the premise. I know that my "love language" is words of affirmation. If a male friend of mine started telling me how awesome I am at everything, it would feel like he loves me more than dh, who is not dumb-struck with my awesomeness anymore and, as such, doesn't continuously give me praise.

 

I'm a praise glutton.

 

Wow. Yeah, red flags all over that interaction Quill. I would back waaaay off of that relationship.

 

I'm a praise glutton too.

[EmilyK]

I guess I'm hearing a couple of different things here - one is how wise it is to have friends of either gender be the ones you pour your emotional energy into as opposed to your spouse. I think that's a definite issue to be wary of, but I guess every marriage has to figure out a balance on that. Personally, I don't think it is optimal to have your spouse be your only friend you can confide in. If you agree, then you have to find a spot on the continuum between that and putting all your social energy outside the marriage that's healthy for you and your spouse.

 

I thought the issue of this thread was not really that, but whether it was okay to have the friends you do have be men. If you are training for a marathon, and your husband thinks that's really cool but hates running, do you limit yourself to running buddies that are women? Would you (or he) notice that a mutual male friend is into running, and see if that guy wants to plan to run every Saturday morning?

[Scarlett]

Just by dint of INSULTING my husband in that situation, I'd tell that guy to eff off in that scenario.

 

 

 

Good point. "cept I wouldn't use the F word. ;)

[Jean in Newcastle]

I'm sorry I'm not up to speed on every post since last night, but I wanted to speak to a couple.

 

In the original situation, Attractive Male Friend extended an invitation to Female Friend from Teenagerhood, "Hey, it would be great if you could come to (a neighboring state) and hang out for a bit." So Female Friend says, "Hmmm. I would like to, but my husband may definitely think it's going a bit far to give up a weekend (since the drive would necessitate a stay in a hotel) to go 'hang out' with my friend I haven't seen IRL since teenagerhood." Attractive Male says, "Bring your husband if you want. I don't care." Female Friend says, "That's not really a solution, Dh doesn't want to give over a weekend to go hang out with my best male teenager friend. So, if I came at all, it would be alone." Attractive Male says, "Then your dh is a jealous @ss. Or you don't trust your own character. Or both." Female Friend says, "But wouldn't that indicate that I'm willing to put quite a bit of effort into seeing you? I don't even spend as much time with other, current friends as I want to, let alone those that live in another state." Attractive Male gets offended that he's not "worth" the time investment. Female Friend wonders if she is correct and making a wise decision or if she's being old-fashioned and paranoid.

 

I think her decision is wise.

 

 

 

 

I think her decision is wise too but not specifically because he's male. Who asks a busy person to travel to another state just to hang out a bit? And then gets offended because he's not worth the time? His reaction there is way overblown for someone who apparently hasn't seen her since high school. (Of course my high school days are over 30 years ago and so it might be very different if high school was only a couple years ago.)

 

It sounds like the male (who it really doesn't matter if he's attractive or not) really wanted to see her and didn't have designs on her body if he said to bring the husband. But he sounds petulant and whiny and I wouldn't like that in a male or female friend!

[Guest]

I guess I'm hearing a couple of different things here - one is how wise it is to have friends of either gender be the ones you pour your emotional energy into as opposed to your spouse. I think that's a definite issue to be wary of, but I guess every marriage has to figure out a balance on that. Personally, I don't think it is optimal to have your spouse be your only friend you can confide in. If you agree, then you have to find a spot on the continuum between that and putting all your social energy outside the marriage that's healthy for you and your spouse.

 

I thought the issue of this thread was not really that, but whether it was okay to have the friends you do have be men. If you are training for a marathon, and your husband thinks that's really cool but hates running, do you limit yourself to running buddies that are women? Would you (or he) notice that a mutual male friend is into running, and see if that guy wants to plan to run every Saturday morning?

 

 

Personally, I would limit myself to running with another lady. I would run with my brother, if he lived nearby, but I wouldn't run with my friend's husband, who runs. It just feels too personal to me. Of course, some others may feel fine with having a male running partner that is not their dh, but I wouldn't.

 

I don't think one's spouse has to be their only confidant, but it should be the primary relationship one invests in. It is possible to put all your energy outside of your relationship, even if there's nothing sexual going on, such as someone who would do anything for their church so much so they aren't available to their family.

 

My dh is my primary confidant. I really don't trust many other people.

[nmoira]

BTW, you didn't hurt my feelings. I realized it was a bizarre statement on this board. That is why I explained.

 

Thanks for explaining, and in good spirit. :)

 

I'd only like to add that it's not a zero-sum game, and it's not as simple as confiding in one's partner instead of a friend. So my friendship, my capacity to make "deposits," to bond, is not finite. Its only restricted by time (and willingness). Would I be upset if DH were spending significant time with anyone at the expense of our alone time together -- male, female, whatever -- when our time together is restricted by his work and our children? Yes. But not because I don't trust him. But, we also have our own interests, our own friends, and not all our activities are shared; those need to be respected and accommodated as well, because we are also people independent of each other.

 

I also don't think it's unhealthy to share certain confidences with a friend that one might not share with one's partner -- not because anything is being necessarily being hidden, but rather because not everyone has that type of relationship with their partner. It's also helpful to have a sounding board not intimately involved in the situation: e.g. I can't muse over MIL issues with DH because he simply can't discuss it dispassionately... he can't hear it with objective ears (nor should be be expected to).

[Joanne]

There are currently two posters on the marriage builders board who had affairs with people they met while training for a marathon!!! It has been hard because these guys have had to give up running because their spouses can't trust them to do that anymore and they loved running. So, yes limit it to people of your same gender!!!!!!!

 

 

 

I am familiar with Marriage Builders and the (wacky) boards. The only thing I agree with him about is the predictable nature of an affair that ends a marriage, and how it functions similarly to an addiction.

 

His "Plan A" and "Plan B" can be very risky from a lega/family law standpoint.

 

Affairs are an issue of character and integrity. If there ARE issues of character and integrity, opportunity will be risky. If not, running (or bowling, or a book club...........) won't create a problem.

[kalanamak]

 

Would I be upset if DH were spending significant time with anyone at the expense of our alone time together -- male, female, whatever -- when our time together is restricted by his work and our children?

 

Or a hobby. I work with someone who has a poor relationship with his family and has a grotesque home-made bumper sticker: My life is hunting, everything else is a waste.

 

Or a TV addiction, etc. etc.

[kalanamak]

Or church leaders?

 

I am suspicious of all people who like to be "leaders". Of course it is not across the board, but I think "leaders" tend to be higher up on the ego scale and more likely to accept the attention of "followers" than the average joe/jill on the street.

 

It is also why I'm not bent out of shape when some mucky mucky I think is a decent senator/CEO/etc fools around. Par for the course.

[Laurie4b]

I'm in a disagreement with a friend. I think that to nurture a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is toying with fire. I'm not talking about retaining a friendship that pre-dates your marriage; I'm talking about pursing a closer friendship with someone that is not your spouse. Like the old "rediscovered my high school friend on FB and now want to get together for a cup of coffee" story that sounds like the plot for a made-for-TV-movie.

 

My friend says I am wrong; that this shows you either don't trust yourself or your spouse doesn't trust you (or both), if you would decline the cup of coffee get-together.

 

I think even a great marriage can have it's grass-is-greener moments and that it is better not to walk towards the green grass in the first place. What says the Hive?

 

What someone might call lack of trust in oneself, others might call over-confidence . It is possible for people with every intention of remaining faithful to "find themselves" in affairs they never would have thought possible. In those cases, it's often because they weren't aware of how easy it was to move down a continuum from "not possible" to "possible, but I can control it" to "I can't or don't want to control it." For many folks, it's a decision to keep it "not possible" by setting boundaries on a relationship before it even has a chance to become a temptation.

 

For me, fidelity also means emotional fidelity, not just the absence of physical contact of a certain sort . I do not have close male friends and I would not appreciate my husband having close female friends with whom he was "cultivating" a friendship. I am fine with him keeping up with old female friends via FB, etc, but he doesn't do it in person.

[Laurie4b]

I'm in a disagreement with a friend. I think that to nurture a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is toying with fire. I'm not talking about retaining a friendship that pre-dates your marriage; I'm talking about pursing a closer friendship with someone that is not your spouse. Like the old "rediscovered my high school friend on FB and now want to get together for a cup of coffee" story that sounds like the plot for a made-for-TV-movie.

 

My friend says I am wrong; that this shows you either don't trust yourself or your spouse doesn't trust you (or both), if you would decline the cup of coffee get-together.

 

I think even a great marriage can have it's grass-is-greener moments and that it is better not to walk towards the green grass in the first place. What says the Hive?

 

What someone might call lack of trust in oneself, others might call over-confidence . It is possible for people with every intention of remaining faithful to "find themselves" in affairs they never would have thought possible. In those cases, it's often because they weren't aware of how easy it was to move down a continuum from "not possible" to "possible, but I can control it" to "I can't or don't want to control it." For many folks, it's a decision to keep it "not possible" by setting boundaries on a relationship before it even has a chance to become a temptation.

 

For me, fidelity also means emotional fidelity, not just the absence of physical contact of a certain sort . I do not have close male friends and I would not appreciate my husband having close female friends with whom he was "cultivating" a friendship. I am fine with him keeping up with old female friends via FB, etc, but he doesn't do it in person.