Married Folks: Do you nurture friendships with opposite sex individuals?

[Ginevra]

I'm in a disagreement with a friend. I think that to nurture a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is toying with fire. I'm not talking about retaining a friendship that pre-dates your marriage; I'm talking about pursing a closer friendship with someone that is not your spouse. Like the old "rediscovered my high school friend on FB and now want to get together for a cup of coffee" story that sounds like the plot for a made-for-TV-movie.

 

My friend says I am wrong; that this shows you either don't trust yourself or your spouse doesn't trust you (or both), if you would decline the cup of coffee get-together.

 

I think even a great marriage can have it's grass-is-greener moments and that it is better not to walk towards the green grass in the first place. What says the Hive?

[BrookValley.]

I think it's more complicated than either side. I did vote "yes" in the poll, but I have personal experience with this (I have a very long thread about the whole story somewhere, actually)...it's just, well, not that easy to say yes or no to that question.

[aggieamy]

No, I make a point of seperating DH's friends from mine. I work in a largely male dominated field so I know lots and lots of guys and many of them I really like. Really cool guys and before I got married (or before they were married) I would have been friends with them. Now if we do anything I make sure it's a group activity or invite DH along. There's no worries on either side that way. I also know that I'm a very "flirty" person at times and I don't want any guy to get the wrong idea.

[Jennifer3141]

DH and I both have friends of the opposite sex. He has to for work. I don't have to but like a neighbor or two and we've been alone togther all day long canning together and eating together.

 

I had to worry about DH once. And I wasn't really worried about him, I was worried for him. A little hussy coming onto a married Aspie is really quite amusing becase he will text his wife all day long and ask, "What does this mean!?"

We settled that problem by my dropping by the hospital and staring her down. I wanted to pee on DH's leg for affect but he wouldn't go for that.

 

DH only needs to worry if Daniel Craig shows up at my door and wants to run off to Tahiti with me. And since it seems rather unlikely, we're pretty safe.

 

We've been together 15 years. I know no one would go through what he's gone through for me and vice versa.

[TGHEALTHYMOM]

I do not "friend" anyone on Facebook that I have a past with in any way unless it was totally platonic and I know they are "safe". That list is very short.

 

We also made it a rule in our home to not allow anyone of the opposite sex in unless we are both home.

This is not possible when a repair man has to come over

 

I am sure my husband has much more contact and is more susceptible to women in his work place.

 

He used to go out to lunch with some women but I asked him to stop.

 

Still, I pray he will not nurture any relationships with any other woman.

 

I have had to avoid men in 2 different churches and both of them were married. I am very cautious of whom I even make eye contact with. Men are dangerous. No one should think otherwise!

 

His Needs Her Needs is a good book to read to understand better the extreme caution we should heed.

 

Although with 8 children I think I am prettty much affair proofed!

[Orthodox6]

Voted "other." Sometimes a friendship grows naturally, and was not "sought". Two of my adult godsons are close personal friends. I did not know them before they started coming to the church. Of course, though, they also are good friends with DH. I have long phone conversations with each of these men occasionally because we seek counsel from each other on certain topics, as well as enjoy friendship. Also, in our faith, godparents and godchildren are considered actual family members. No secrets from DH, though. THAT would be wrong.

 

Developing a close friendship with someone who is not part of your regular family activities (such as someone at your office or sports club) presents temptations and pitfalls without them being sought out, or desired by, either party. Yes, slip-ups happen and this type is preventable.

[AK_Mom4]

I voted Other.

When I was working full time in an office setting, I had friends at work of both genders that I spent a good deal of time with, went to lunch with, etc.

 

It probably has to do with what the friendship is based on. With my work friends, what we shared in common was "work" and it was just fine. But in your example, if what you share in common is an old dating relationship, then that's possibly not such a good base for a new friendship for a married person.....

[Impish]

No, I don't agree w/'seeking out' opposite sex friends. I just honestly don't see the point, in terms of being aware of potential issues. If you don't play w/fire, you don't run the risk of being burned.

[UrbanSue]

I voted no because I would never seek to nurture a friendship with the opposite sex. I think that is dangerous. But maintaining old friendships is different. Or, I have a good friend whose husband gets along great with my husband so the two families get together often and, of course, I naturally get to know the husband better every time. But I would never say, "hey, other husband, let's go out for coffee so we can get to know each other better apart from the general chaos that ensues when our families are hanging out."

 

I don't think this is really a trust issue. It is normal for men and women to be attracted when a certain degree of intimacy is attained and fostering that intimacy is playing with fire.

[DianeW88]

I don't seek out new friendships with men, but I am still friends with the men I've known in the past. In fact, we're quite close with several of my old boyfriends. But my dh sees them far more than I do, as they golf together frequently. But I trust him with them. ;)

[aggieamy]

DH and I both have friends of the opposite sex. He has to for work. I don't have to but like a neighbor or two and we've been alone togther all day long canning together and eating together. I had to worry about DH once. And I wasn't really worried about him, I was worried for him. A little hussy coming onto a married Aspie is really quite amusing becase he will text his wife all day long and ask, "What does this mean!?" We settled that problem by my dropping by the hospital and staring her down. I wanted to pee on DH's leg for affect but he wouldn't go for that.

 

DH only needs to worry if Daniel Craig shows up at my door and wants to run off to Tahiti with me.

 

And since it seems rather unlikely, we're pretty safe. We've been together 15 years. I know no one would go through what he's gone through for me and vice versa.

 

LOL at pee on the leg. :)

 

DH only needs to worry if the Doctor shows up in the TARDIS.

[MIch elle]

Voted other. What if it's a friend of many years and is also gay?

[Impish]

Another thing:

 

I would be absolutely furious if Wolf went out w/another woman for coffee, beer, whatever. *Our* alone time is at a premium, so him spending time alone w/another woman would absolutely feel like a kick in the head.

 

I've no doubt that he feels the same.

 

And, reasonable or not, I do trust my husband, and he trusts me...but we can't know 100% other ppl's motivations, thoughts, feelings...so why run the risk?

 

Again, I'm not talking about someone that you've known for yrs, etc. I'm talking about new relationships.

[Seasider]

I have male friends, however, I think the operating words in the OP are "nurture" and "pursue." Of course I will get to know someone better just by having a conversation with him (or her). But if my internal radar ever starts pinging that I am in active "pursuit" of someone... Well, no, I don't think that is a place where I'd like to be, out of respect for both spouses involved.

 

I do think it's odd to be in an environment where women completely avoid interacting with men. Rather Handmaid's Tale, kwim?

[aggieamy]

Voted other. What if it's a friend of many years and is also gay?

 

 

I'd be totally okay with DH spending all kinds of time with a lesbian friend from high school. Chances are if he's been friends with someone for that long though they'd also be my friend by now. A majority of our entertaining is inviting people over for dinner and games at home of going to their houses. It's a situation that lends itself well for everyone being friends.

[alef]

I don't feel comfortable being friends with men unless my husband is also part of the friendship--and unless the man's wife is also my friend if he is married.

[celticmom]

When I was working and going to school I was working with men in both locations. In fact, at school during my last year all but one of the instructors in my major and most of the other students were male. I never had a problem with anyone crossing any lines.

[nmoira]

I don't "seek friendship" at all. It's either something that happens or not. Maybe that's why I make so few good friends, but I'm ok with it. Gender doesn't matter to me.

[jillian]

I don't actively seek friendships but I have working friendships with males (another intern) and I am friends with some of my friend's spouses. I don't seek them out and I don't really spend a whole lot of time with them either but I would consider them friends.

[LucyStoner]

IMO, to say that men and women can not be only friends to is presuppose that all men and all women must have feelings for or attraction to all others, even their relatives. Eww. My closest friend outside of my marriage is male. We've been friends since we were very young teens. We came of age together, shared many common experiences and are very close to this day. We've never had one second of sexual tension between us in our lives. Why? I don't know. We are both appealing enough people who have found spouses and are happily married. But never has the thought been that we should have ever been together crossed our minds. My friend is great and wonderful. But from the day I met my spouse, he was on a whole different level of important to me, and not only due to physical attraction. I have other male friends, not as close and again never any sexual interest. My friend and I are more like brother and sister than I am with my own siblings. The idea of romantic interest borders on incest. Not gonna happen. My husband and I are friends with a couple where the friendship bonds are more me to the husband and my husband to the wife (I share interests with the husband, my husband shares educational interests with the wife.) At no point have I been attracted to the husband physically or worried that my husband is attracted to the wife. We sit and talk and have a grand time while our spouses are discussing topics the bore us- he's like a favorite cousin. My husband works with mostly all women and has a couple of friends from that. Neither of us has any concerns and we have never dealt with infidelity.

 

I don't buy for one second that a man and a woman being friends must be playing with sexual fire. 1. People are not attracted to just anyone, are they? Attraction and love are complicated and don't just happen between everyone, even people that you otherwise care about. 2. People have self control, no? When I have, once, realized I had met a man that I could perhaps fall in love with who was not my husband, I pushed him right out of my affections and limited contact to the bare minimum required. I am not stupid enough to build a friendship when there is that extra spark present. 3. The benefits of friendship enrich my life and make me a happier and healthier person which is good not just for me but for my spouse and children.

[Guest]

Another thing: I would be absolutely furious if Wolf went out w/another woman for coffee, beer, whatever. *Our* alone time is at a premium, so him spending time alone w/another woman would absolutely feel like a kick in the head. I've no doubt that he feels the same. And, reasonable or not, I do trust my husband, and he trusts me...but we can't know 100% other ppl's motivations, thoughts, feelings...so why run the risk? Again, I'm not talking about someone that you've known for yrs, etc. I'm talking about new relationships.

 

This is exactly what I said to my friend - that if the shoe was on the other foot, I would not be okay with it. My logic was similar; my time is already limited and spending time with a friend *is* pursuit - it's saying, "Being close to you is important enough to me to carve out time away from my primary relationships." To do that with a male friend one has already had a "warm" friendship with previously? Not good.

[bnbacademy]

I think the catch word for me is "nurture". I do not make any attempts to be alone with a man, but I do like to talk to men at church, work, etc. Is this inappropriate? I love to laugh and there are a few very funny guys in my world that I like to joke with. I also happen to like football.

 

My best friends are female, but sometimes I do miss the single days of hanging out with the guys, who bring less drama/gossip to the party. Sometimes the emotional upkeep some female relationships require is more than I want to give. Men are easier to relate to. I will never hurt my husband, he is a gift to me and I treasure him.

 

I do think it is an overreaction in some circles, if women are not allowed to have conversations with men (without husband nearby). I try to always be mindful of how I talk, so that anyone walking up can be immediately included as part of the discussion, no exclusive/private conversations with other men. There are some opinions that a married woman should not talk alone with a man, and vise versa. I think this is an overreaction.

[Guest]

IMO, to say that men and women can not be only friends to is presuppose that all men and all women must have feelings for or attraction to all others, even their relatives. Eww. My closest friend outside of my marriage is male. We've been friends since we were very young teens. We came of age together, shared many common experiences and are very close to this day. We've never had one second of sexual tension between us in our lives. Why? I don't know. We are both appealing enough people who have found spouses and are happily married. But never has the thought been that we should have ever been together crossed our minds. My friend is great and wonderful. But from the day I met my spouse, he was on a whole different level of important to me, and not only due to physical attraction. I have other male friends, not as close and again never any sexual interest. My friend and I are more like brother and sister than I am with my own siblings. The idea of romantic interest borders on incest. Not gonna happen. My husband and I are friends with a couple where the friendship bonds are more me to the husband and my husband to the wife (I share interests with the husband, my husband shares educational interests with the wife.) At no point have I been attracted to the husband physically or worried that my husband is attracted to the wife. We sit and talk and have a grand time while our spouses are discussing topics the bore us- he's like a favorite cousin. My husband works with mostly all women and has a couple of friends from that. Neither of us has any concerns and we have never dealt with infidelity.

 

I don't buy for one second that a man and a woman being friends must be playing with sexual fire. 1. People are not attracted to just anyone, are they? Attraction and love are complicated and don't just happen between everyone, even people that you otherwise care about. 2. People have self control, no? When I have, once, realized I had met a man that I could perhaps fall in love with who was not my husband, I pushed him right out of my affections and limited contact to the bare minimum required. I am not stupid enough to build a friendship when there is that extra spark present. 3. The benefits of friendship enrich my life and make me a happier and healthier person which is good not just for me but for my spouse and children.

 

I don't think you understand the type of "pursuit" of friendship I'm talking about. Look at the part I bolded. Now - suppose instead of putting all that distance there that you instinctively knew was better, you rationalized it like this, "Oh, Bob is just a *great* guy. We are friends, that's all. We're both married and I'm sure nothing would ever go anywhere else between us. We both have good, strong marriages, right? So, what's the harm in getting together with him for coffee once a week?" Would that not be a different story?

[Jean in Newcastle]

Seek? no. Allow a friendship (not an attraction) to develop naturally? Yes. Are there boundaries? Yes. Nurture? Not sure how to answer that. I don't go out of my way to nurture relationships, I don't think.

[Hunter's Moon]

I am newly married and young, but I find that my views are quite opposite from those in my age group in serious relationships.

 

I voted "No" in the poll. I do not and will not seek relationships with those of the opposite sex. I see no value in it. I have a few male friends that I was particularly close to before DH, but no longer really keep in contant with. I keep a distance, not because I do not trust myself, but because my relationship with DH is more important. I would not blame him for being uncomfortable with me hanging out with other men.

 

DH has a female friend who he has been friends with since middle school. I know her, and she just acts like one of the guys. I trust him, and she does not seem to have ulterior motives. In fact, DH set her up with her boyfriend.

 

For some reason, I am seen as a prude in this regard. While I am sure there are many great guys out there, I have all the friends I need (who are female), and I have all the male companionship I need in my DH. Relationships (with anybody) require giving of myself. I feel I am giving enough of myself already, and I do not need to deal with the possibility of a male friend with ulterior motives.

[Anne in CA]

I voted other, because I am just not great with having girlfriends, so I do have male friends. My two best male friends are gay, so that is probably not the same as having male friends and being careful. I have had many male friends over the years and it has turned out every time that at some point they crossed a line and I had to step back.

[Mnemosyne]

Most my close friends are men. I've simply always gotten along better with men than I have most women. I wouldn't think twice about going to Starbucks and getting some coffee with one of them if we were both free. Of course, I'd invite my DH along if he was free too. Maybe it helps that he knows them as well? I know his friends, and he knows mine. We'll often hang out in groups and have a great time as well (the one on one thing [for either of us] doesn't happen much, we're all so busy). It has never been an issue.

[Guest inoubliable]

I don't generally "seek out friends" in the first place. Either I meet a person and like hanging out with them or not. Is there an eHarmony for friendships?

I also don't specify gender on any mental checklist when I decided whether or not a person is worth nurturing a relationship with.

I don't even think it has to do with having "enough trust" or not in my husband, myself, or my marriage.

I guess I just don't think about what a person's pants are covering when I make friends. And I don't start thinking about what their pants are covering when I maintain that friendship.

 

I'm guessing this is coming from a place where someone is defending their right to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex in the face of someone judging them for having it.

[NoseInABook]

I voted yes because I still am friends with men that I met before I married my husband. My husband knows the majority of them and likes them all. I recently went to a movie with a male friend I hadn't seen in years but we keep in touch on FB. Not a big deal to me, I'm 100% faithful to my husband and he knows that.

 

However, I don't see out new men to be friends with. Usually new friends come as a couple.

[gardenmom5]

I know of at least three "we're just friends" relationships that destroyed one or both marriages. one started out as "just" helping a single woman with her messy finances. there was no physical contact before divorces and marrying each other.

[Lady Florida.]

I voted yes but probably should have voted other. I don't seek friendships with anyone. To me, friendships happen organically. Gender doesn't come into play.

 

As far as past boyfriends, I don't even know if they're all sitll alive. I don't really care. (I don't mean I don't care if they died, just that I have zero curiosity about their lives today.)

[AlmiraGulch]

I definitely have friends that are men, most of which pre-date my marriage, one of which could really have the "best friend" label. That said, my husband is very uncomfortable with some of them, particularly the one I said could have been "best friend" labeled, because we did have a serious relationship years ago. That part is long past, but we have always been very close confidants. Still, because my husband is uncomfortable with it, I have pulled way back from that relationship. Honestly, it hurts me to be apart from my friend, but my husband and his feelings are more important. Friend doesn't really get it, because he never thought I'd be a woman who would be with someone who seems to be "so insecure" (his words). I can't make him "get it", and it doesn't matter. My marriage comes first.

 

I have other friendships with men, but most of those are work friendships and I never see them because I work from home. The main problem is that my husband seems to think that every man who talks to me must want me. :confused1: I'm flattered, but...um....no, dear.

[KrissiK]

I put no. I think in most cases it would be playing with fire, whether yu want to admit it or not. And men are wired differently than women and might have different... er... expectations of the friendship. Personally, there's no way I would. I know myself and I have a good marriage and I love my husband and I want to keep it that way. So I personally need to keep myself as faaaaaar away from temptation as possible.

[Arcadia]

I would maintain but not nurture. My best friends are guys and my best hairdressers are gays. I have no issues with meeting a guy friend at a cafe for a chat but I won't nurture the friendship.

[katilac]

Hmm, it's hard to answer, because you seem to be missing the gigantic middle ground.

 

I would not 'pursue' and 'nurture' a time-consuming friendship with an old flame. But would I be just as much friends with a dad in the home school group as a mom? Certainly. Would I be friends with an interesting person in my reading group who happens to be male? Yep. Keeping up with old friends and pursuing old flames are hardly the only two choices!

 

I voted 'yes,' based on the straightforward wording in the poll. Yes, I will be friends with both sexes.

 

I'm in a disagreement with a friend. I think that to nurture a friendship with someone of the opposite sex is toying with fire. I'm not talking about retaining a friendship that pre-dates your marriage; I'm talking about pursing a closer friendship with someone that is not your spouse. Like the old "rediscovered my high school friend on FB and now want to get together for a cup of coffee" story that sounds like the plot for a made-for-TV-movie.

 

My friend says I am wrong; that this shows you either don't trust yourself or your spouse doesn't trust you (or both), if you would decline the cup of coffee get-together.

 

I think even a great marriage can have it's grass-is-greener moments and that it is better not to walk towards the green grass in the first place. What says the Hive?

 

[Guest]

I don't generally "seek out friends" in the first place. Either I meet a person and like hanging out with them or not. Is there an eHarmony for friendships?

I also don't specify gender on any mental checklist when I decided whether or not a person is worth nurturing a relationship with.

I don't even think it has to do with having "enough trust" or not in my husband, myself, or my marriage.

I guess I just don't think about what a person's pants are covering when I make friends. And I don't start thinking about what their pants are covering when I maintain that friendship.

 

I'm guessing this is coming from a place where someone is defending their right to have a friendship with someone of the opposite sex in the face of someone judging them for having it.

 

 

Almost. It's coming from a place of someone judging a friend who is not willing to go there as displaying a lack of trust because, "what could go wrong." So, you're wrong about who is doing the judging.

[Parrothead]

I don't actively seek out guys to hang out with. I barely actively seek out women to hang out with.

 

But in another stage in my life, say after dd is launched, perhaps, yes I might make friends with a man when I go back to work/school. I think having worked with so many of them when I was working I've developed the ability to see men as people not potential.

 

And there is no old flame. Any past relationships are so dead that the flesh has rotted off and the bone is starting to disintegrate.

[katilac]

Quill, upon reading follow up posts, I think you would need to reword both your OP and your poll to get an accurate response. I'm sure most people would agree that ardently pursuing a relationship with an old flame, complete with regular meetups at a coffee shop and so on, is something that should be approached with all due caution ;)

 

but your poll simply asks, Do you seek friendship with opposite-sex individuals? Like other posters have mentioned, I don't feel like I 'seek' friendships at all, really, but I'm certainly fine with being friends with a male, or dh being friends with a female. No, I wouldn't meet alone with a male friend for fun lunches and activities on a regular basis, but that goes for my female friends as well! Who has that kind of time, lol?

[Guest inoubliable]

 

Almost. It's coming from a place of someone judging a friend who is not willing to go there as displaying a lack of trust because, "what could go wrong." So, you're wrong about who is doing the judging.

 

 

*shrug*

You asked, I answered. If you don't want to be friends with someone for any reason, I don't understand why your friend is making a big deal out of it, either. The whole thing strikes me as bizarre. I don't have so many friends that I'd turn one down because of what's in his undies. You've certainly got the prerogative to do so and for any other reason you want. FTR, I don't think it's your friend's business.

[Guest]

Quill, upon reading follow up posts, I think you would need to reword both your OP and your poll to get an accurate response. I'm sure most people would agree that ardently pursuing a relationship with an old flame, complete with regular meetups at a coffee shop and so on, is something that should be approached with all due caution ;)

 

but your poll simply asks, Do you seek friendship with opposite-sex individuals? Like other posters have mentioned, I don't feel like I 'seek' friendships at all, really, but I'm certainly fine with being friends with a male, or dh being friends with a female. No, I wouldn't meet alone with a male friend for fun lunches and activities on a regular basis, but that goes for my female friends as well! Who has that kind of time, lol?

 

 

Well, that is why I specifically used words like "pursue," "seek" and "nurture." I think it is different being casually friendly with males who are your co-workers vs. seeking to get to know a male friend better, trying to "nurture" the friendship - moving in the direction of getting to know them better.

 

I understand that I didn't put a lot of choice in the poll, but that is because I want people to pick the choice that resonates with them the most strongly. People can always pick "other" if they just can't say the answer is that obvious.

 

Also - the "old flame" in the specific story I'm thinking of was not a physically involved relationship. The pair were friends, but they were also young and so perhaps not at a place of being physically involved. Does that make sense?

 

To me, the choice really is totally stark. If I was dear friends with Sally when we were 14, didn't see her for 20 years, but now she wanted to get together and talk about old times, no problem. If I was dear friends with Bob when we were 14 and too shy to get physical, didn't see him for 20 years, but now he wanted to get together and talk about old times - I say no. I don't think it's wise. That ship sailed when I married dh. There's no concern that I'll decide I'm in love with Sally, but I can't be sure about Bob. I feel it is better to not go there.

[albeto]

 

Almost. It's coming from a place of someone judging a friend who is not willing to go there as displaying a lack of trust because, "what could go wrong." So, you're wrong about who is doing the judging.

 

 

I would probably make this judgement. If I think about it and am honest, yeah, probably. I would assume that a person who refuses to get to know a person because there might be a sexual spark would lead me to believe that they lack the maturity to compartmentalize instinctive feelings from rational choices. I think it's a shame to refuse to surround oneself with potentially great friendship experiences because one has not learned how to restrain sexual impulses. I think it's a shame to teach children that's the best policy. So yeah, there's judgement there from my end. But then, we all judge. That's how we stay out of trouble.

[jennynd]

I am a engineer and 95% of coworkers are guys, and I was the only girl in my undergraduate class. If I don't seek friendship with guys. That will almost means no friend at all. So, yes, I do seek oppsite sex friendship. Usually are older guys, married with older kids or kids fresh out college .

[mommymilkies]

Nurturing friendships with either sex has never been my strong suit. That said, I do get along better with males than females. I've always had more male friends. I only really have one friend right now (female) and I never get out enough to make friends with either gender, so it's irrelevant. I don't low what nurture really means to a friendship, though. My dh has many female friends. I don't like it, but that's because he's lied about certain things that makes me wary.

[mommymilkies]

Quill, upon reading follow up posts, I think you would need to reword both your OP and your poll to get an accurate response. I'm sure most people would agree that ardently pursuing a relationship with an old flame, complete with regular meetups at a coffee shop and so on, is something that should be approached with all due caution ;)

but your poll simply asks, Do you seek friendship with opposite-sex individuals? Like other posters have mentioned, I don't feel like I 'seek' friendships at all, really, but I'm certainly fine with being friends with a male, or dh being friends with a female. No, I wouldn't meet alone with a male friend for fun lunches and activities on a regular basis, but that goes for my female friends as well! Who has that kind of time, lol?

 

 

Oh. Guess I should've read ahead! I agree with this. BIG difference between being friends with someone of the opposite sex and rekindling a relationship with an old flame.

[Jean in Newcastle]

 

Well, that is why I specifically used words like "pursue," "seek" and "nurture." I think it is different being casually friendly with males who are your co-workers vs. seeking to get to know a male friend better, trying to "nurture" the friendship - moving in the direction of getting to know them better.

 

I understand that I didn't put a lot of choice in the poll, but that is because I want people to pick the choice that resonates with them the most strongly. People can always pick "other" if they just can't say the answer is that obvious.

 

Also - the "old flame" in the specific story I'm thinking of was not a physically involved relationship. The pair were friends, but they were also young and so perhaps not at a place of being physically involved. Does that make sense?

 

To me, the choice really is totally stark. If I was dear friends with Sally when we were 14, didn't see her for 20 years, but now she wanted to get together and talk about old times, no problem. If I was dear friends with Bob when we were 14 and too shy to get physical, didn't see him for 20 years, but now he wanted to get together and talk about old times - I say no. I don't think it's wise. That ship sailed when I married dh. There's no concern that I'll decide I'm in love with Sally, but I can't be sure about Bob. I feel it is better to not go there.

 

 

Well, since many of my old flames were destructive and abusive, no I would not pursue or even allow any contact at all. In fact if a couple of them were to pursue contact I would get a restraining order. But having said that, if my high school boyfriend were to be in town, I would definitely meet him and talk about old times. Any feelings I have at all for him are based on nostalgia for being young, not nostalgia for the relationship. We are totally different people now than we were 30 plus years ago. If we were to meet and hit it off, it would be because the people we are now are friend material. I would answer the same for any old girl friends from high school too.

 

I'm not afraid of friendships with men because I don't share intimately my emotions or my thoughts with anyone - male or female - in the way that I share those with dh. And I keep that mental boundary in place.

[4kidlets4me]

I voted yes. I don't see a problem with it at all. I have a male friend I've known since the 5th grade, when we've lived in the same area we've gone out for coffee or to a movie. Why should I have to stop being friends with someone I've known longer than my husband just because we aren't the same gender? It is possible for men and women to just be friends and not have any sexual chemistry between them.

[Lisa R.]

 

 

I have had to avoid men in 2 different churches and both of them were married. I am very cautious of whom I even make eye contact with. Men are dangerous. No one should think otherwise!

 

 

 

 

I do not think it is healthy for someone that is married to nurture friendships with opposite sex individuals. However, I do think it is healthy talk to those around me, and this would include both men and women. Talking with others should certainly include eye contact. I think it's part of proper social behavior that I wish to model for my children.

 

I'm confused as to why you said men are dangerous. I hope you're joking. One of two boys is already an adult, and I hope he is not perceived as dangerous. I'm also raising two daughters and teach them to be discerning and wise regarding boys/men, but I don't want them to think that they are dangerous.

[Seasider]

To bring a little levity to this conversation....

 

 

[Guest inoubliable]

It strikes me that the ones saying that having/nurturing a friendship with the opposite sex seem to be confusing gender with sexuality. I don't understand this thought that you can't or shouldn't have a relationship with someone based on a potential for sexual chemistry. Are you attracted to every man? Is every man attracted to you? Why the danger siren going off? You do realize that there is an equal chance that you could be friends with a woman who might *gasp* feel a sexual connection to you?

 

If you're talking about a former flame, I don't see an issue there either. Unless you're unable to mature past a childhood/teenage mind of making out in the back of someone's car? Is there unfinished business? I guess if you're just uncomfortable hanging out with someone who knew you when you were in training bras and braces... no, I don't get it.

[albeto]

To bring a little levity to this conversation....

 

 

Utah State University

 

I'm thinking.... Mormons, lots and lots of Mormons.

 

I'm thinking Mormon country. Even people who aren't Mormons are surrounded by Mormon theocracy.

 

I'm thinking it's a real shame these young men still giggle about sex. I want to shake them by the shoulders and tell them to grow up.

 

Life is so much more rewarding when you can learn how to be in control and choose the experiences you want.

 

Good grief.