mom2lydia Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 My daughter goes to public school, but is advanced and a perfectinist. She has to have everything right or she beats herself up because she was wrong. For her even a 95% is not acceptable in her mind. I always praise her for B's and above, because I do know everyone makes mistakes. If she is struggling with something I help her. She is above grade level by about 2 grades in everything, but having a late May birthday and being a perfectionist who is also shy I don't want to put her in 3rd or 4th grade when she won't even be 8 until this May, the last day of school at that. Does anyone have suggestions for helping her to be ok with mistakes? I was the same way and when I started to get B's and below as I got older it crushed me and I basically gave up being "smart" and settled for average. My brother gave up from a lack of challenge in 3rd grade and it was high school before he got that love back when he was able to take vocational classes that actually mattered. I just want her to understand we all make mistakes and we all have trouble sometimes and it's ok because none of us are perfect. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dmmetler Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Sounds familiar-my DD's a little older than yours (turned 8 in late November) and is going through much the same thing. This is my thread from last week http://forums.welltrainedmind.com/topic/450396-anxiety-on-fairly-easy-things-but-not-on-hard-ones/ Some of the ideas I got there may be helpful to you, too. So far, this week, it's gone a little better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
regentrude Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 instrument lessons worked wonders for my perfectionist daughter. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
morgan Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 instrument lessons worked wonders for my perfectionist daughter. Just wondering how instrument lessons helped? My perfectionist daughter applies her high standards to her cello playing as well, and she is only 5! Maybe I need to approach things differently. It seems that perfectionism can be an internal issue, some people just have such high personal standards. I think you are doing the right thing though, trying to teach her that no one is perfect; hopefully, time and maturity will help her understand this and to accept her mistakes better (at least that is what I am hoping for with my dd). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Incognito Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 How have you dealt with your perfectionism? How do you model in your life that you are okay with being imperfect? Pointing out your own imperfections and persistence, with a good attitude, can help. So can you taking up something you need to practice and learn. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
3Blessings Posted January 29, 2013 Share Posted January 29, 2013 Incognito- totally agree with you. Just thinking about my own dd with a perfectionist personality . . . my words were saying it was ok to "just try", but my actions didn't always support that. Also, piano has been a good exercise for dd. Yes, she still gets frustrated if she feels that she can't do it right away, but she also has experienced working hard, failing, but surviving, and then working hard again. Also, your dd is still young. Some of this will iron out with time and maturity. My dh is fond of reminding me that this is a "cross country race, not a sprint". She is blessed to have a mother who cares for her and knows her for who she is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Donna Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Just wondering how instrument lessons helped? My perfectionist daughter applies her high standards to her cello playing as well, and she is only 5! Maybe I need to approach things differently. It seems that perfectionism can be an internal issue, some people just have such high personal standards. I think you are doing the right thing though, trying to teach her that no one is perfect; hopefully, time and maturity will help her understand this and to accept her mistakes better (at least that is what I am hoping for with my dd). Instrument lessons worked for my dd. When she first started playing violin, she'd start conversations with her teacher whenever she was expected to do something she didn't think would go over well the first time...it was her way to stall. I started giving her time at home that was "her time" to fool around with pieces she wasn't learning yet or little tunes she'd made up. She learned that sometimes what might have been a mistake sounds kinda neat. When she had difficulty practicing, I repeated the phrase "practice to make it easier" (rather than "practice makes perfect") and hearing that and experiencing it in action made her a believer. She believes she can do anything with enough practice now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Staceyshoe Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Ugh. Both of my children battle perfectionism, but my oldest made his perfectionistic tendencies known even during infancy. We've battled it ever since--and have made great strides. But it remains one of the greatest challenges I've faced as a parent. There are some wonderful children's book that address perfectionism. When we were focusing on it, we read a lot of books and discussed them. I started using language like "having the courage to be imperfect" when speaking about a character or even about myself (taking the focus off of him)--and making it somewhat admirable to be willing to be imperfect. And, obviously, pointing out that everyone struggles with something, everyone makes mistakes, and modeling (or trying to model!) a calm response to life's blunders. I am very intentional about reflecting back to my son his "other" positive qualities--not just his quick mind--and I really emphasize those and show that they have value. I don't want his identity to be too wrapped up in "being smart" or "knowing all the answers." I also think it's very important that they have to really strive for something every day. My son struggles with physical coordination, so we do Tae Kwon Do and swimming lessons. He needs to face something that he does not excel at--work hard, overcome, and experience a degree of success. But he needs to deal with imperfection every single day to get used to dealing with it and overcoming. Without that daily exercise in facing his imperfections, his entire world seems to crash down around him when he makes a mistake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Arcadia Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Just wondering how instrument lessons helped? My perfectionist daughter applies her high standards to her cello playing as well, and she is only 5! Maybe I need to approach things differently. Instrument lessons help my boys because there is no grades/marks. It is a mastery of skills in a progressive order. Also my hubby is teaching himself the piano so kids see it as a continuum with no end age to reach perfection. I am a perfectionist and music is where I don't need to be perfect unless I want to score well for my piano exams. But since my head classify all instrument playing as leisure, I was not aiming for that perfect score and could make mistakes without going into meltdowns. A good cello teacher would be able to accomodate her perfectionism even though I do know that finding a teacher who has hone her/his skills in handling perfectionist kids are not that common. My boy's first violin teacher could not do that and worsen his perfectionism tendencies with violin playing. She was a perfectionist like my boy. There was a book I read on perfectionism which talk about the dynamics of a perfectionist parent - perfectionist child pair. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2lydia Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Thanks. We have a keyboard that I had been considering both of us learning together since I've never played one before. I think it would help her a lot to learn a skill like that which isn't graded and isn't right or wrong at the end of the day. She does her homework on the bus and I have stopped checking it for her until after it comes back from the teacher, which has helped her some as well because then she takes her time more and asks if she needs help. It has also helped because on the bus her handwriting isn't perfect due to not having a desk, the nature of a bus, etc. It is still perfectly acceptable to her teacher but my duaghter doesn't spend nearly as long trying to make each letter perfect since she knows if it's done when she gets home she can have more time to play or read or whatever she wants to do. I've started putting time limits on lots of things and it does help some because she knows she can get it done and have things correct even if it isn't perfect. I know she has been perfectinistic since she was an infant as well. There are some things that she may never change like her clothes having to be lined up exactly perfect on her body with seams in exact spots but there are some things I can work on with her and I just keep working to improve it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kiwik Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 I have a budding perfectionist too. I don't know how to deal with it either. When I was a child the constant public failure in all things physical overwhelmed the private success in academics. It prevented perfectionism but meant a large part of my self image was of someone hopeless at sports rather than someone with academic talents. I'm just trying to say go for balance - if you can. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Is there a generalized view that perfectionism as a trait is a negative? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
quark Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Is there a generalized view that perfectionism as a trait is a negative? I was wondering the same. This article by Linda Silverman might be useful to some. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mom2lydia Posted January 30, 2013 Author Share Posted January 30, 2013 Is there a generalized view that perfectionism as a trait is a negative? I don't think it's negative within reason. However when you are 7, one of the youngest in your class of 2nd graders, and you know that you are one of the top students in the class(according to both dd and the teacher and what I have observed from her) and you are beating yourself up because you got a 95% on the spelling test because you added an e to a word by accident and spend all weekend obsessing over it then yes I think it becomes negative. She will beat herself up for days over a mistake at school or on homework or at sports or anything else she does. I'm talking almost to the point it's all she talks about no matter if I tell her we all make mistakes and it's ok because none of us are perfect. Or if she can show me that she can correctly do the work and messed up. She will be upset for days over an A rather than an A+ or an A- and if it's a B+ or lower it is nearly the end of the world. I think it depends on how far the child/person takes the perfectionism. Nobody is perfect at everything all the time, not even professionals in an area. Everyone messes up and I think it's important that she understands that and is able to move forward from the mistake. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bang!Zoom! Posted January 30, 2013 Share Posted January 30, 2013 Does your school have a psychologist available? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AndyJoy Posted January 31, 2013 Share Posted January 31, 2013 I don't think it's negative within reason. However when you are 7, one of the youngest in your class of 2nd graders, and you know that you are one of the top students in the class(according to both dd and the teacher and what I have observed from her) and you are beating yourself up because you got a 95% on the spelling test because you added an e to a word by accident and spend all weekend obsessing over it then yes I think it becomes negative. She will beat herself up for days over a mistake at school or on homework or at sports or anything else she does. I'm talking almost to the point it's all she talks about no matter if I tell her we all make mistakes and it's ok because none of us are perfect. Or if she can show me that she can correctly do the work and messed up. She will be upset for days over an A rather than an A+ or an A- and if it's a B+ or lower it is nearly the end of the world. I think it depends on how far the child/person takes the perfectionism. Nobody is perfect at everything all the time, not even professionals in an area. Everyone messes up and I think it's important that she understands that and is able to move forward from the mistake. I was this kid. My dad jokingly teased me about an A- on my report card one time I and was crushed because I'd already been flogging myself for it! When I was 10 I used to pull out my report cards from 2nd/3rd grade and obsess over them. Team sports and piano lessons helped me learn to make mistakes and move on. Watching the best softball player on my team get out was eye-opening. You say she even obsesses over sports? Maybe you could watch a professional sport and comment on the mistakes made by players who make millions of dollars! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hellojwolford Posted February 1, 2013 Share Posted February 1, 2013 I discovered that my son was an unhealthy perfectionist when he was 18mo old. Since then I've read many books on the subject, and one was a very big help to us. It's called Letting Go of Perfect: Overcoming Perfectionism in Kids by Jill Adelson This book defines perfectionism as either healthy or unhealthy depending on how it affects the child. It also divides perfectionistic styles into different categories and provides ideas for both teachers and parents to help the child move from unhealthy to healthy perfectionism. Two points that helped us tremendously are: 1) affirm the child's goal but give the child a time frame and smaller goals to help her reach the end goal. 2) never praise the end result, but focus on the process. For example, we now don't say "That's a great paper you wrote!" but instead we say, "great job putting so much time and effort into that." This book has been helpful in raising our son, but it was also a big help for my dh and me! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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