Political Compatibility

[DragonFaerie]

How important is it for people in a relationship to be politically compatible? Do you think two people with vastly differing political views can still be happy together? Do you just agree to disagree? Agree to not discuss politics?

[lavender's green]

I can't imagine being married to someone with a radically different worldview from my own. Like Wendy said, it just spills into day-to-day life. We don't have to agree on every little detail or issue, though.

[caroljenn]

I agree with Wendy. Political views usually reflect what a person values. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't hold my same values.

[Word Nerd]

Mary Matalin and James Carville make it work. I think it would be difficult to get along with someone whose views are completely different in general, though.

[AlmiraGulch]

My parents are on opposite ends of the political spectrum and have been married for 55 years.

 

DH and I could be at odds only because I am quite political and he isn't at all. It bugs me that he is relatively uninformed and bases his opinions, when he forms any, on what someone happened to tell him.

 

It's not awful, though. I think our core values are pretty much the same, so that's what matters most in the day-to-day.

[Mergath]

Dh and I had different political views when we got married. I'm extremely liberal, he was sort of moderate Republican. We spent a lot of time talking about it that first year, and there were a few arguments. ;) Now he's almost as diehard liberal as I am. :p He boasts proudly to the guys he works with about the rainbow LGBT-support Obama bumper sticker I put on the car, lol.

 

Would things have worked out if he'd been a passionate rightie? That, I don't know. From what I've seen, most relationships have one person who cares more about political and social issues, and the other person tends to sort of get sucked into their political vortex over time. If both people are equally dedicated to their political party, I imagine things would be more difficult. I wouldn't say it could never work, but it'd be a lot harder.

[sparrow]

I know some can pull it off (yes, Carville/Matalin come to mind), but, no, I personally could not be in a relationship with someone that was the opposite of me politically.

[catz]

LOL - good job Mergath! Love it!

 

Ok - my husband and I have similar political views and always have. I kind of feel like Wendi about it. We live out some values that are pretty tied into our political thoughts too.

 

But my parents have been married for 43 years. My dad often votes Republican (although he's come somewhat left in the past 10+ years), and my mom always votes Democrat. Fundamentally, they have the same values but there are a couple sticking points for each of them on how they vote. It depends on the election too. I think they both call themselves independent.

[PachiSusan]

I am quite certain that because my beliefs are so strong and deeply ingrained in me that I would not be able to be married to a person who believes the polar opposite of me. My husband and I share the same deep convictions, but do have differences of opinion on how to implement/change issues that bother us. We've had quite the fiery discussions and each of us are better informed for the other's POV.

[ThisIsTheDay]

I agree with Wendy. Political views usually reflect what a person values. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who didn't hold my same values.

:iagree: :iagree:

:iagree:

[Jane in NC]

I have a neighbor who completely disagrees with me on national politics but we see eye to eye on town politics. This does not mean that we have different values because of our lack of agreement on certain issues. It means we perceive the world differently.

 

Not that I want to be married to him...

[ailysh]

I think it depends on how strongly policital they each are. You might have a couple with opposing viewpoints but they don't really care all that much. I think it would cause a lot of conflict if both people had very strong opposing policital viewpoints (and not "I'm a diehard moderate," lol, but far left and far right). My dad is so strongly conservative that he almost views liberalism as morally wrong (not quite but close). He could never be with someone who was strongly liberal. I consider myself conservative, but there are times when I have to agree to disagree with my dad. My husband and I agree almost always on policital issues, but we have our occasional disagreements. He's probably more liberal than I, but we are both so moderate that it doesn't really make a difference.

[TranquilMind]

How important is it for people in a relationship to be politically compatible? Do you think two people with vastly differing political views can still be happy together? Do you just agree to disagree? Agree to not discuss politics?

 

James Carville and Mary Matalin have done it for 25 years.

 

My husband and I never voted the same, but tend to agree on almost everything anyway. He just voted the way he did out of habit, but finally we have grown closer together over the years on political views.

 

I think if your moral views are the same, the political views (which are somewhat similar, but not exactly) won't matter so much.

[TravelingChris]

I could not be married to a liberal; it just wouldn't work. I have been a conservative from the get go, really about from when I was about 8, and if anything, I have become more conservative. Dh had dumb stickers on his notebook when I met him and he had never really thought about political policies before then. He quickly came about to my view and I would guess that he is probably even more conservative than I am now. However, we both have a very pragmatic streak so while I views about what should be done are one thing, what we think can be done is usually much less and we are not, unlike our son, my way or no way. We are more likely to consider compromises. My older dd also thinks political viewpoint is very important and is now engaged to marry another conservative.

[Julie in Austin]

I think it depends on what kind of political beliefs you told. Dh and I are opposites and do just fine. (Actually, I'd feel impoverished without the interesting discussions. There's no spouting platitudes and getting away with it in this house--if you make a political statement, you better be prepared to defend it!) But neither of us is really 'partisan' in the sense of focusing on personalities or party loyalty. If you tend to view political issues as a continuum (such as: a continuum between protecting the environment at any cost to the economy sliding all the way to protecting the economy at any cost to the environment, with people arrayed at different points along that continuum), you can be just fine in a "mixed marriage."

[Liz CA]

We agree on the main things which makes it easier. But I cannot help wondering how James Carville and his wife do it and they seem to do it well.

[lovemykids]

I have a neighbor who completely disagrees with me on national politics but we see eye to eye on town politics. This does not mean that we have different values because of our lack of agreement on certain issues. It means we perceive the world differently.

 

Not that I want to be married to him...

 

 

hahaha!

 

James Carville and Mary Matalin have done it for 25 years.

 

My husband and I never voted the same, but tend to agree on almost everything anyway. He just voted the way he did out of habit, but finally we have grown closer together over the years on political views.

 

I think if your moral views are the same, the political views (which are somewhat similar, but not exactly) won't matter so much.

 

 

This, exactly.:)

[Parrothead]

I think it would work if the couple isn't too political, or enjoys good political arugments.

 

If dh were to suddenly do a 180 I wouldn't divorce him. We would make it work.

 

Honestly when we got together 15 years ago I swung much more to the right than I do now.

[regentrude]

I think it would be extremely difficult to have opposite views, since political viewpoint does not just manifest itself in political discussions, but also in values and lifestyle choices.

[Orthodox6]

Who are Carville and Matalin ??

[Word Nerd]

I think it's possible to have similar fundamental values yet still disagree on the best way to promote or attain them. Differences of opinion about specific strategies, solutions, and policies will affect how people vote, but they don't necessarily indicate that the people have wholly different values.

[Element]

It's doable. My parents were politically opposed for decades (they have now united on one side at long last.) I think it helped that neither was too far from the middle and they had the same views regarding the really divisive issues (abortion being the big one.) They didn't talk about politics and didn't even discuss whom they voted for on election day. It was all very hush-hush. Believe it or not, it was a fantastic way to grow up. I had no idea what my parents thought and was free to become my own person politically. I always feel bad when I hear my kids repeating something politically slanted they heard from dh or me.

 

Dh and I couldn't do it. He loves to argue about politics and I hate it. Fortunately we are on the same side. I don't have to argue with him and he can go online and argue all he wants.

[Dandelion]

I think it's more important for core values to be compatible in a relationship, than to have political compatibility.

 

DH and I have the same, or similar, core values. We either agree or are close to agreement on all of what I would consider the core issues that couples need to agree on in order for a relationship to work.

 

That said, we don't always see eye to eye on politics. In fact, we canceled out each other's votes in the 2008 presidential election. :glare: That made for some VERY interesting and heated discussions for quite a while. As another poster said, there's no spouting platitudes and getting away with it in this house either. ;)

 

We've got a great marriage and are very happy. We don't avoid discussing politics. Sometimes we just agree to disagree. But yes, it can work.

[Pod's mum]

I started seeing someone last year.

After a few weeks he, with a few drinks, came out with a statement re: Hitler and his 'failure to finish'.

I felt stunned.

He then explained, to make it better, and it got so much worse.

His real and strongly Facist views (and history) came tumbling out, coupled with a hatred of any religion and particularly my denomination.

 

In a sober conversation later he tried to reapply the veneer on his deeply held views.

 

When I recovered from the shock I walked...RAN.

 

If it's that strong, then the political difference is, well worse than an extra head. IMHO anyway.

[Julie in Austin]

I started seeing someone last year.

After a few weeks he, with a few drinks, came out with a statement re: Hitler and his 'failure to finish'.

 

 

 

:confused1:

 

Uh . . . just to clarify . . . my statement about easily living with political differences does not apply to that. I was thinking in terms of the basic American political spectrum, from Tea Party to Progressive, or however you want to label it.

[regentrude]

Uh . . . just to clarify . . . my statement about easily living with political differences does not apply to that. I was thinking in terms of the basic American political spectrum, from Tea Party to Progressive, or however you want to label it.

 

 

But the "basic American spectrum" does contain rather extreme views as well that are not much better than Fascism: racism for example, or hatred towards gays, or the belief that women are inferior to men. I would imagine it to be very difficult if partners had opposite views in this respect.

[Julie in Austin]

But the "basic American spectrum" does contain rather extreme views as well that are not much better than Fascism: racism for example, or hatred towards gays, or the belief that women are inferior to men. I would imagine it to be very difficult if partners had opposite views in this respect.

 

 

I guess I don't consider outright racism, for example, to be part of the American political spectrum. You can disagree about issues such as affirmative action, immigration, reforming inner-city education, etc., without being a racist. I would think you'd need a party or group saying, "We support X because those people are genetically inferior" before I'd consider racism part of the political spectrum. (Which is not to say that there are not racists in American politics.)

[BrookValley.]

*I* couldn't live with a partner on the opposite side of the spectrum, but I can only speak for myself, of course. It may because my political views are tied to my core values--support for certain current civil rights issues, for example. I could not live with someone who voted the opposite way. Now, this does not mean I think my husband and I need to agree on everything; we don't. But we do vote for the same party and we do hold the same core beliefs and values. If either one of us decided to swing to the other side far enough to change parties, I'm thinking divorce would be on the horizon. We wouldn't be compatible on many levels at that point.

[Alice]

My parents are complete opposite politically and have been married for 45+ years. My Dad actually works for the state government and always has so it’s not like it’s not a part of their lives at all For many years my Mom didn’t care much, now she cares a lot more. For the most part they just don’t talk about it.

 

I think on a lot of issues they actually agree and have many of the same values, they just disagree on how those values are best played out politically. Or they disagree on the importance of the values. For example, my Dad is anti-abortion as is my Mom. My Dad however sees other issues like social justice as being much more important and so will vote Democrat and for pro-choice candidates even if he disagrees with them on that issue. They are both probably closer to the middle of their party, even if they wouldn’t necessarily classify themselves that way.

[Dandelion]

I think on a lot of issues they actually agree and have many of the same values, they just disagree on how those values are best played out politically. Or they disagree on the importance of the values.

 

 

This is true for us. For example, we both think foreign policy is very important. However, we disagree on some key points relating to foreign policy. We don't disagree on the "what" - we disagree on the "how". And our respective positions put us on opposite ends of the political spectrum. That's just one example - we disagree on a few other key platform issues as well.

 

Now, agreement on foreign policy isn't integral to our marital happiness. I wish DH would just see that I'm right, but I can deal. :rolleyes: :D

[justamouse]

Mary Matalin and James Carville make it work. I think it would be difficult to get along with someone whose views are completely different in general, though.

 

I have one hundred and one million questions to ask them.

 

 

I couldn't do it. Those values spill out into every day life.

[Word Nerd]

Who are Carville and Matalin ??

 

 

Carville is a Democratic consultant and was Clinton's campaign manager, and Matalin is a Republican consultant and was George H.W. Bush's campaign director.

[Orthodox6]

Carville is a Democratic consultant and was Clinton's campaign manager, and Matalin is a Republican consultant and was George H.W. Bush's campaign director and George W. Bush's assistant.

 

 

Thank you! Sure would like to be a fly on the wall at their house, wouldn't you? :tongue_smilie:

[Word Nerd]

Thank you! Sure would like to be a fly on the wall at their house, wouldn't you? :tongue_smilie:

 

 

I've read that they try to avoid talking about politics, but considering that both of them have political jobs, I don't see how it's even possible!

[DragonFaerie]

Thanks for all the info, guys. Fascinating stuff! I think I could probably deal with differing views so long as they also came with respect for each other's way of thinking.

[QueenCat]

I think having the same core values is paramount but that does not always lead to the exact same voting pattern. Especially if one is just a little to the right of center and the other, just a little to the left. Most people I know have morals and values, and I manage to have real friendships with them, regardless of their political persuasion, so the same would hold true in a couple who did not concur on all political issues.

[GoVanGogh]

DH and I have been married over 25 years and are at opposite ends of the political spectrum. Opposites attract, right?

We have always been 'mixed' - religion, politics, etc. We enjoy discussing our views and even arguing a bit about our point of view, but we have never tried to convert the other one.

We neither one agree 100% with the party we are affiliated with, so that may work in our favor.

Our core values are much the same, though - we just have a different way of looking at things.

[mytwomonkeys]

well, my husband and i are pretty like minded. we don't agree on everything of course, but we just don't sit around debating about things that we don't see eye to eye on.

 

my relationship with my best friend has fairly different views though. we've been best friends since we were in 9th grade & we are 41 & 42 now. we have too much in common to let things we disagree on divide us though. we know each other really well & understand the place where each one draws their opinion from. we're just never going to end our friendship over a policy, law, or politician.

[Jennifer3141]

*I* couldn't live with a partner on the opposite side of the spectrum, but I can only speak for myself, of course. It may because my political views are tied to my core values--support for certain current civil rights issues, for example. I could not live with someone who voted the opposite way. Now, this does not mean I think my husband and I need to agree on everything; we don't. But we do vote for the same party and we do hold the same core beliefs and values. If either one of us decided to swing to the other side far enough to change parties, I'm thinking divorce would be on the horizon. We wouldn't be compatible on many levels at that point.

 

 

This is exactly how I feel. I'd have to stroke out to change politically and DH would no longer be an ally to myself or my daughter so that wouldn't work.

[nmoira]

We're mostly on the same page and usually remain civil when we're not; however, there is a small handful of topics DH and I just agree not to talk about at length, usually when one of us feels *very* strongly about something and the other disagrees, but dispassionately... most recently Aaron Swartz.

[Hockey Mom]

I'm sure it works for a lot of people, but it wouldn't work for me. One of the qualities at the top of my "list-for-consideration" was they had to have the same political belief system as I had. I wouldn't have even considered someone from the opposite side of the aisle. It ranks up there with religious beliefs and whether they wanted children or not.

 

That's not to say that I flat-out won't be civil to those who don't believe as I do. My own parents are the extreme polar opposite of me, and I not only love them, I enjoy being around them. :)

[gardenmom5]

I think it would be hard because there are so many fundamental differences of how to accomplish things (even if the goals are the same - and they're often different - the way they want to get their are vastly different.), that it would lead to major disagreements.

[staceyobu]

My political views have changed a lot in the last year. i voted a different party this election than I had since I have been old enough to vote. So, just because you marry someone with specific political views doesn't mean they will always hold those views. I feel in some ways that the parties have changed in the last decade, and therefore, my opinions as well.

 

I think it would be more important to analyze the values behind the political leanings. If one person is conservative because they feel it is the best way to stimulate the economy and feed the poor and the other is liberal because they feel that is the best way to feed the poor... there is a lot of common ground there.

[PachiSusan]

So, just because you marry someone with specific political views doesn't mean they will always hold those views.

 

That's a good point. Luckily neither of ours have changed away from each other.

[musicianmom]

Political incompatibility would be a deal-breaker for me. I can't even stand to see posts from the other side on my Facebook news feed. And I'm sure I would be impossible to live with for someone on the other side, because I take my beliefs very seriously.

 

[Sparkle]

DH and I are affiliated with different political parties, and we've managed to stay married 24 years :) I do joke that our votes cancel each other out at the ballot. I think we share a lot of the same values, but we approach them differently. I might be "We should outlaw abortion" and he might be like "We need to support women with social programs so they don't need to seek abortions" - but we are both pro-life. We meet in the middle on some issues, and on others we just agree to disagree. It makes for some good discussions.

[DaffodilDreams]

Dh and I do not agree on politics. Election time can be a little challenging, but most of the time our differences just make things that much more interesting. I think I'd be incredibly bored if we weren't so different, and I love that dd sees there's more than one way to view the world and that you can have a healthy relationship with your spouse and not always be in agreement.

[Cassy]

DH and I are just about as far apart politically as it's possible to be, but we're both fairly open minded and tolerant. We have some very lively discussions.

 

However, while DH and I can live peacefully with our differences I find it much more difficult putting up with his family's views, which are much more strongly felt and forcefully expressed.

[Shawna in Texas]

I think it would be very difficult and I can't imagine doing it. When DH and I got together we were both apolitical, but I became much more so around the '96 election. He was apolitical until around the '04 election. He has a very utopian, black and white thinking, "I'd be all for tyranny if I was in charge" sort of thing. No checks and balances if things are going his way. Luckily, it's only me he talks to about this stuff. :p I actually can't think of any political issue we disagree save the implementation. LOL

 

I do know a couple that are opposites. He's outspoken and she's not. Her face has a permanent condescending smile, though. I don't think he realizes.

[DragonFaerie]

More and more it's sounding like tolerance of other's opinions is key. It's fine to have differing opinions, but you can't try to force yours on somebody else, and you have to respect the other person's views in order to be able to put up with each other.