how would you handle this - teen smoking

[HappyLady]

I posted yesterday about how my 16 year old nephew now smokes and it's honestly breaking my heart. :( He's like a son to me. Out of my sister's 3 children, I least expected this from him. He's always been the kid that didn't care what people thought about him, did his own thing, is incredibly intelligent, funny..... just all around the "perfect" kid.

 

Unfortunately, with the exception of my DH and myself, pretty much every adult in his life smokes. My sister started when she was 13 (I was 15) and the first thing our mother said to her when she found out was, "Don't tell your sister." :glare: Our parents let my sister smoke at home because they said it was better than smoking on a street corner, and I know my sister will feel the same way if ever her DH finds out about their son (I have a feeling he won't try and stop him either).

 

I know my nephew is not my responsibility, but I had such high hopes for him. I really thought he'd be different than the rest of our family and his father's family, but he seems to be heading in their direction (besides the smoking his honor roll grades have slipped over the last couple years and he stopped participating in all the activities he was once in).

 

Any advice on what I can do, if anything? I know I won't be able to keep my mouth shut about this, but my DH thinks if I keep saying something to him he won't want to be around us getting "hassled" and will choose "hanging on a street corner" versus hanging out with us. I'm sorry but how can you not hassle a 16 year old that has so much promise and is choosing to smoke and his own mom won't stop him?

 

I really want to do the right thing, but I don't know what that is. I'm truly so upset over this, especially after watching so many family members suffering because of their smoking (lung cancer, having a lung removed, death). What can I do??

[kalanamak]

I only found two things that seem to at least get teens to open their eyes (a tiny bit) about smoking:

 

Pictures of twin sisters who do/don't smoke for the girls: smokers look old sooner.

A chart showing the impotence rate in smokers by age, vs. non smokers. For the boys.

 

Good luck.

[HappyLady]

I only found two things that seem to at least get teens to open their eyes (a tiny bit) about smoking:

 

Pictures of twin sisters who do/don't smoke for the girls: smokers look old sooner.

A chart showing the impotence rate in smokers by age, vs. non smokers. For the boys.

 

Good luck.

 

It's funny you mention that because his paternal grandmother is an identical twin. The grandmother quit smoking years ago and looks pretty good for her age. The sister looks just awful (much older, yellow and missing teeth, etc). My nephew sees the two of them all the time. Apparently it wasn't enough to keep him from smoking. :( Even looking at the difference between his mom and I, you can tell she smokes and that I never have.

 

It still baffles me that he smokes because he's such a neat freak, is sensitive to smells, thinks everyone and everything has "germs" and doesn't like anyone touching his stuff, has always given my sister grief for smoking, yet he's doing it now.

 

I was told his friends all smoke so I'm guessing they're his biggest influence, but he still never used to care what people thought of him so it still shocks me that he'd follow the crowd.

[HappyLady]

Well you could try just telling him what you think about it, but I don't know that it will do much good. Sadly, my sister smokes. My mother's idea to get her not to when she was a teen was to let her smoke a bunch of cigarettes hoping it would disgust her. I don't know what the heck my mother was thinking. But what could my mother really say since she herself smoked?

 

I think that's the huge crappy factor, that everyone around him smokes. I never picked up smoking. But after inhaling it everyday for most of my childhood it was like I was smoking anyway. I'm so glad I've been away from it for many many years now!

 

My health is another reason why this is killing me. Both my parents smoked and didn't believe in cracking a window (we lived in a small apartment). Then add in my sister smoking like a chimney when I was 15 and until I was close to my 30s doctors thought I smoked because of how my lungs sounded. I've always had breathing problems and I'm convinced it's because of all the 2nd hand smoke I was exposed to. Nothing has ever helped me, even keeping away from smoke.

[Joanne]

Don't focus on the smoking (or other choices). Focus on love and relationship. Be the model/role model adult who loves him unconditionally. Be THERE for him, regardless of his choices. Show him that a happy, content, cool life can exist without chemicals.

 

He already knows about smoking (health, the risks) and he already knows how you feel.

 

You'll do more (in the long run) if you simply love.

 

You may have to remind yourself that teens experiment. Teens push. Teens "rebel" (hate that word in this context). It is not a determining trajectory. Yes, it may set the stage (yes, I know I am mixing metaphors) but it does not automatically determing. You may have to remind yourself that smoking (or other chemical behavior) is not a character issue. It's much more nuanced than that.

 

Just love him, and act as though he doesn't smoke so you can be there for him.

[Annie Laurie]

 

You may have to remind yourself that teens experiment. Teens push. Teens "rebel" (hate that word in this context). It is not a determining trajectory. Yes, it may set the stage (yes, I know I am mixing metaphors) but it does not automatically determing. You may have to remind yourself that smoking (or other chemical behavior) is not a character issue. It's much more nuanced than that.

 

 

 

Yes. The slipping grades and smoking does not mean he's doomed to be a terrible person. I was a rebellious teen and did all that and a lot more. But I settled down and ended up happily married with children, a well-adjusted adult and productive member of scoiety. :)

[QueenCat]

Joanne said it best....just be there for him.

[celticmom]

Nicotine is addictive. He may have become addicted to it from the second hand smoke before he ever started smoking himself. It would be very hard especially for a teen to break such an addiction without enough control over his enviornment to stay away from the offending substance.

[Joyofsixreboot]

I agree to just keep loving him and keep the relationship connected. I was a nightmare teen but in the end turned out to be a home educating, Sunday School teaching, college graduate mother of seven. I had relationships that made that possible.

[Guest inoubliable]

:( I don't think there is much you can *do* for him, unfortunately. I love Joanne's advice and I think she's spot on. I was the teen who smoked. Nothing anyone ever said made a difference. I already knew the health risks. I already knew that it was stinky. I already knew how much of my teenage sized paycheck it was eating into. Anyone telling me those things earned a great big eyeroll and a "whatever". I think you'll best serve him if you continue to be a positive force in his life and love him no matter what.

 

Also, thanks for being the sort of aunt who cares enough to worry like this. You're a star.

[Jane in NC]

How can people afford to smoke?

 

Seeing lungs of smokers at the Body Worlds exhibit was sufficient to convince my son that he doesn't want to smoke.

[Perry]

I agree with Joanne, but I also think it's fine to tell him that you're disappointed. It might be nice for him to realize that someone has high expectations for him.

 

But he isn't necessarily doomed. Lots and lots of people experiment as teens and then quit.

[TravelingChris]

My dh smoked for about two years and stopped. So he started in high school, smoked regularly from about 16 to 18.5, came to college, smoked very, very occasionally, and quit before his sophomore year. He had grown up in a totally smoked filled house.

[elegantlion]

I smoked as a teen and quit pretty easily in my 20s. Dh smoked since he was a young teen and has quit off and on through the years. He's gearing up to stop again. *sigh*

 

Quitting for the addicted body is hard, it just is. I haven't smoke in probably 20 years, but there are times I see someone smoking and my brain jumps to thinking I'd like one of those.

 

I agree with Joanne, just love on him, and set boundaries. No smoking in the house, no smoking in the car, do not smoke near my child. etc.

 

When we were kids a neighbor started smoking. Her dad caught her and made her sit on the deck and smoke one cigarette after another until she was sick. I don't think she ever picked up another pack.

 

I know teens experiment and it sounds like he's just following the family model, sadly.

[Miss Mousie]

I agree with your husband on this one.

[gardenmom5]

 

It's funny you mention that because his paternal grandmother is an identical twin. The grandmother quit smoking years ago and looks pretty good for her age. The sister looks just awful (much older, yellow and missing teeth, etc). My nephew sees the two of them all the time. Apparently it wasn't enough to keep him from smoking. :( Even looking at the difference between his mom and I, you can tell she smokes and that I never have.

 

It still baffles me that he smokes because he's such a neat freak, is sensitive to smells, thinks everyone and everything has "germs" and doesn't like anyone touching his stuff, has always given my sister grief for smoking, yet he's doing it now.

 

I was told his friends all smoke so I'm guessing they're his biggest influence, but he still never used to care what people thought of him so it still shocks me that he'd follow the crowd.

 

he probably doesn't associate the grandmother/aunts differences in looks due to smoking. many adults don't make that association even if it is pointed out to them.

 

My favorite quiting-smoking story was a woman who put the money she would have spent on cigaretts in a savings account. when she no longer craved the smoke - she bought herself a pair of *diamond* earrings. . . . .

 

you might even try getting him to do that on paper - how much he smokes vs how much is costs and what he can't afford that he'd like (an ipad?) because he has to buy cigaretts instead.

[DianeW88]

When we were kids a neighbor started smoking. Her dad caught her and made her sit on the deck and smoke one cigarette after another until she was sick. I don't think she ever picked up another pack.

 

My great aunt did the same thing to her son back in the 1950s when she caught him smoking. He had to smoke an entire pack in front of her...one right after the other. He never picked up another cigarette again.

[Hikin' Mama]

Another person here who agrees with Joanne. Besides, he's not your child. I would put up strong boundaries about where he can smoke when he's around me, though.