So sad about DD and lack of friendships.

[Rhonda in TX]

DD is almost 10 and basically has no friends. She never really has. At a time when all our friends were having babies, everybody had boys. The girls started a few years after DD was born - just young enough that DD was too far ahead of them to really be friends.

 

Even when she was in school (up to 2nd grade), there were just a couple of minor girlfriends, and they never seemed to reciprocate invitations over to play.

 

The past couple of years, she's made a friend at church. We don't see her a lot, but we do occasionally and they always enjoy seeing each at church itself. I recently found out they are planning on moving, so that's another friendship DD has lost.

 

I tell DD that she has many years ahead of her to find a friend (and I do believe that), but it still makes me very, very sad. We went to the Hannah Montana movie this weekend and we had nobody to call and ask to go with us. Her birthday is this month and she only has that one girl at church to invite for any type of "party". (Luckily she does not enjoy big parties.)

 

I just do not know what to do. She is in Girl Scouts, but only sees them twice a month and hasn't really clicked with any of them. We've tried being part of a homeschool co-op, but it was very class-oriented, with little time available for real socializing. Most of the members went to church together, so friendships were already established.

 

I just don't know what to do. I hurt for her. :(

[Anne/Ankara]

How about exploring more activities? We have remained connected with many families and made new friends through community sports (YMCA, rec soccer and such), art school, music school, library, museum programs and such. Even if these other youngsters are not true "friends," even having many and varied acquaintances could lessen any feelings of lonlieness.

[Rhonda in TX]

There's a homeschool book club at the library I've been meaning to call about. I'll do that today.

 

We've done sports in the past, and I will definitely look into it, but I want more than acquaintances for her. I want someone she can do things with outside of organized activities. A friend to spend the afternoon with - go to a movie with. I don't really know how to explain it. Sigh...

[Scarlett]

I know how you feel.....ds7 is very very outgoing and social. The children in our circle of friends that are near his age all seem to be girls! So guess what? He hangs out with girls. :) AND several of them are MUCH younger than he is. There is a boy in our congregation that is only a year older, but they have never really 'clicked'. I think I should make more of an effort to get them together, but every time I think that, ds tells me the boy says something mean to my ds and I figure 'why bother?'

 

I didn't get my 'best friend' until I was 11 1/2 when I moved to a new town. Over 30 years later we are still best friends, although now seperated by 3 1/2 hours. So don't fret. You never know what tomorrow will bring. And I don't think she, or my ds, will be scarred even if she doesn't get a 'best friend'.

[Tracey in TX]

DD is almost 10 and basically has no friends. She never really has. At a time when all our friends were having babies, everybody had boys. The girls started a few years after DD was born - just young enough that DD was too far ahead of them to really be friends.

 

Even when she was in school (up to 2nd grade), there were just a couple of minor girlfriends, and they never seemed to reciprocate invitations over to play.

 

The past couple of years, she's made a friend at church. We don't see her a lot, but we do occasionally and they always enjoy seeing each at church itself. I recently found out they are planning on moving, so that's another friendship DD has lost.

 

I tell DD that she has many years ahead of her to find a friend (and I do believe that), but it still makes me very, very sad. We went to the Hannah Montana movie this weekend and we had nobody to call and ask to go with us. Her birthday is this month and she only has that one girl at church to invite for any type of "party". (Luckily she does not enjoy big parties.)

 

I just do not know what to do. She is in Girl Scouts, but only sees them twice a month and hasn't really clicked with any of them. We've tried being part of a homeschool co-op, but it was very class-oriented, with little time available for real socializing. Most of the members went to church together, so friendships were already established.

 

I just don't know what to do. I hurt for her. :(

DD, also 10, has one very close friend who moved away. She has acquaintances, but nothing to call a friendship. It breaks her heart. Truth is she has high expectations of friends and most little girls don't meet those expectations.

It's heart breaking, and I try to help her find new friends. It just doesn't click. Maybe our DDs can be email pals?

Good luck,

[Plaid Dad]

I think we often have the image of kids, particularly girls, needing a "best friend," but not all kids have or want that. I know I was thrown together with certain kids more because our parents thought we should be friends, and often we had little in common. As soon as we met truly like-minded kids - not until high school, really - we moved on. The same was true for my wife growing up.

 

We really have to work to find social outlets for our extroverted dd - in our area, all the homeschoolers her age seem to be rough-and-tumble boys - but she doesn't seem to miss not having a best friend. And when she is in social situations, she just as often gravitates toward the adults. She's an only, though, so she is used to being surrounded by grown-ups and holding her own in conversations with them.

 

So I guess I would ask: Is your dd herself sad about not having close friends?

[Only me]

I have the same situation with two of my children. My ds (almost 10) really has no friends to speak of. Luckily he has two cousins that are close in age so he will occasionally do things with them. He is on a baseball team in the spring and has bowling August through March. He has a nice time during those activities but hasn't really hasn't developed any close relationships with these kids. For one thing most of the boys seem really immature or just aren't the type of friend that he would want to hang out with (constantly swearing etc.).

 

My dd (almost 13) has two close friends. One moved away so we only get to see her a few times a year. The other friend lives 1/2 hour away but is very busy with dance, etc. so she really only gets to see her a few times a year also. DD was active in dance and basketball (although currently doesn't do either) but she wasn't able to make any friendships there either. She tends to be shy and also isn't into the same things that most of the girls her age are (boys, clothes, gossip, did I mention boys).

 

We also have a large amount of kids living on our street but unfortunately that hasn't worked out well either. My dd used to be friends with two of those girls but they have turned against her. For some reason most of the kids decided that they don't really like my oldest dd and hence aren't the nicest to my other two children. They occasionally all play together but they can't count on these friendships and lately over half the time the kids are mean to her. My oldest dd sticks up for herself and her siblings and the other kids on the block don't like it.

 

Sometimes I am very sad about the situation. My dd is turning 13 next month and I would really like to have a party for her but she only has one friend to invite and that might not even work out because of the girl's schedule. My ds has his cousins and possibly one other boy to invite but that is it. Once in awhile I question whether or not I am doing them damage by keeping them home but then even my kids reassure me and say that they would much rather be at home. In fact, my son said that most of the kids would probably act the same way as the kids on his his teams and wouldn't be the type of kids he would want for a friend anyway.

[Rhonda in TX]

Does your DD have her own email address? Mine doesn't currently, but I've been considering it. I don't mind if the emails go through my email address, though.

 

rhonda dot miller at oplink dot net

[Tracey in TX]

Yes, she has her own. I will email you.

[Chris in VA]

I am saying this gently--how are her social skills? I'll bet it's more a lack of opportunity to get together in a way where friendships can be the focus, instead of sports or whatever (like you said, you want friends for her, not acquaintances, and I understand how being on a team or in an activity together may not lead to the deep friendship you want for her). But, does she need a little teaching on things like, how to initiate a conversation, or keep one going, or how to "put her best foot forward?" Is she a little bossy, or seen as a little immature, or loud, or painfully quiet? Please know I'm not blaming her for not having friends. I have a child with no friends, largely due to Aspie-like tendencies; not the loud, inappropriate stuff, but the introverted, can't-really-throw-the-ball-back in conversation stuff. It is a little heartbreaking, but he does get along with other kids. I'm hoping college will give him more of an opportunity to grow this way, and we are trying to equip him socially by just telling him "how to's"--Maybe it would help your child break into a group if she needed that sort of thing?

Just a thought.

[Rhonda in TX]

Plaid Dad - She does want a friend (has shed many tears over it), but I think it's based on the "idea" of friendship. I'm not sure how realistic her expectations are.

 

Scarlett - DD's brother is very close to her in age, so any boys tend to be friends with him (or not, but that's another post). She does hang out with one of DS's scouting friends when we're at those events.

 

hpymomof3 - We have very few neighborhood friends. There seems to have been some sort of falling out amongst the kids, basically instigated by one girl. They did hang out with a couple of boys down the street, but DD finally stopped. The boys did quite a bit of swearing and DD doesn't like that. (good for her, I say!)

 

Chris in VA - She is a bit awkward socially. Her brother is an Aspie, and while I wouldn't say she is, she's not as "with it" as some other kids are. She's kind of shy, but doesn't have any real problems once she gets accepted into a group. She doesn't want to put herself out there, though, if you know what I mean.

 

I've told her many times that she just needs to be patient. I maintain no regular friendships with any of my elementary school buddies. I met my best friend in the world when I was in college. She knows all that, but still gets lonely. Goodness, I do, too! (BF lives in Tennessee, so we don't see each other often.)

 

I am going to look into more activities for her, though. It may be that just socializing on a more regular basis will satisfy her until she meets somebody she clicks with.

 

It's nice to know we're not the only ones facing this. Thanks for all the kind words! :)

[Hilary in MI]

I found that the events (classes, scouts, library events) were a good place to start a friendship, but for it to grow I needed to take some action. My older son is quite reserved, and classes/events don't leave lots of time for kids to get to know each other.

 

What did work was to meet kids through a class (or scouts or a library program) and THEN follow up with playdates. We usually started by meeting the child and mom at a park, museum, whatever. Then, we followed up by inviting them our house for coffee and play. And, then we invited for a second playdate--here's the kicker--even if they didn't call to reciprocate right away, if the first two times had gone well. I learned that everyone is busy, and many of us are shy--they may plan to call, but feel they have to have their house perfect first, or whatever.

 

It took a while for me to catch on that I needed to take a more active role. Unlike kids that are in school together day after day, my kids needed (need)my help in setting up times to see friends outside of structured homeschool or community events.

[Jenny in Atl]

Your daughter is definitely not alone in this. We homeschool for secular reasons and so our social choices are even smaller than some of our friends of faith. Both my girls have gone through times with lots of friends only to find most of those moved away, or they have grown apart. Since I tend to be shy (no help) I have started casting my net farther out into areas and groups I would not have considered in the past. We attend a hs music group on Friday that is Christian but inclusive, both daughters take classes outside the home for art and drama with, for the most part, public schoolers and some private. I have also found I don't need to be friends with the parents of my kid's friends. I still like to be friendly with them, but I don't need all the pieces to fit. I do think it sad (in the US) that the culture of kids playing outside in the neighborhood has in many places disappeared. You almost never see kids near us play outside, even though there is play equipment set up.

[Rachel]

to see your child unhappy. My 13yo daughter has very few friends, if any real true friends. She asked to go to school the middle of last year because she was so lonely (no cousins around here) so we let her hoping she would find friends. But she really hasn't found too much there either........in my daughter's case it has a lot to do with her personality. She is a bit difficult.........bossy.....but holds things in too and she is very picky and so she creates a lot of the problem herself.

 

SO I struggle between feeling sorry for her and being frustrated with her for not trying harder.

 

I don't know the answer but just to let you know that your daughter is not alone and that hopefully they get to a place and age where it becomes easier to not just find friends, but to be a good friend as well.

[TCoppock]

My DS has no friends either but I feel it is partly my fault. He is very social at play group and co-op classes and will play with just about anyone no matter what age. He doesn't seem to gravitate to any one person though. I myself am extremely shy and never quite fit in the groups. I have tried talking to other moms in an effort to fit in but notice I have little in common. Now I just bring a book to activities and read while my son interacts. I hope my son continues to be friendly and caring even though I appear anti-social. :(

[farmgirlinwv]

No advice. I just wanted to commiserate with you. My dd is 11.5 yo. She has social and academic delays. She will play w/ just about anyone though. We lived in a very rural area for years where she rarely saw children. We moved to the city, but the children here are not what I had in mind. At first, they acted like they liked her. She was so happy! As time went on it turned out they were just picking on her and taking advantage of her gullibility. :( We hope to start a hs art class in Jan. and find a church. She doesn't do sports. She has hearing sensitivities so we have to be careful.

 

I should also add that she's not unhappy playing alone most of the time. Dh and I are loners as well. Not everyone needs a best friend. However, I would like her to have some friends. I continue to pray about it and hope for the best!

[Melinda in VT]

I am saying this gently--how are her social skills? I'll bet it's more a lack of opportunity to get together in a way where friendships can be the focus, instead of sports or whatever (like you said, you want friends for her, not acquaintances, and I understand how being on a team or in an activity together may not lead to the deep friendship you want for her). But, does she need a little teaching on things like, how to initiate a conversation, or keep one going, or how to "put her best foot forward?" Is she a little bossy, or seen as a little immature, or loud, or painfully quiet? Please know I'm not blaming her for not having friends. I have a child with no friends, largely due to Aspie-like tendencies; not the loud, inappropriate stuff, but the introverted, can't-really-throw-the-ball-back in conversation stuff. It is a little heartbreaking, but he does get along with other kids. I'm hoping college will give him more of an opportunity to grow this way, and we are trying to equip him socially by just telling him "how to's"--Maybe it would help your child break into a group if she needed that sort of thing?

Just a thought.

 

The Unwritten Rules of Friendship is a great resource for helping parents teach kids explicit social skills. Until I read this book, I had a vague sense of some of the issues, but couldn't articulate them.

[amy g.]

I wonder how far you live from me.

 

I have a 10 year old (I need to change my sig since she isn't 9 anymore).

 

My daughter would love to have your daughter over to play dolls, or play with the baby goats.

 

PM me if you want to get together.

[ereks mom]

DD is almost 10 and basically has no friends. She never really has. At a time when all our friends were having babies, everybody had boys. The girls started a few years after DD was born - just young enough that DD was too far ahead of them to really be friends.

 

Even when she was in school (up to 2nd grade), there were just a couple of minor girlfriends, and they never seemed to reciprocate invitations over to play.

 

The past couple of years, she's made a friend at church. We don't see her a lot, but we do occasionally and they always enjoy seeing each at church itself. I recently found out they are planning on moving, so that's another friendship DD has lost.

 

I tell DD that she has many years ahead of her to find a friend (and I do believe that), but it still makes me very, very sad. We went to the Hannah Montana movie this weekend and we had nobody to call and ask to go with us. Her birthday is this month and she only has that one girl at church to invite for any type of "party". (Luckily she does not enjoy big parties.)

 

I just do not know what to do. She is in Girl Scouts, but only sees them twice a month and hasn't really clicked with any of them. We've tried being part of a homeschool co-op, but it was very class-oriented, with little time available for real socializing. Most of the members went to church together, so friendships were already established.

 

I just don't know what to do. I hurt for her. :(

 

We have also struggled with this issue over the years. EK is 14 now and has finally made a few friends, but none that are really close. It seems that every time she makes a friend, the friend moves away! Or she meets someone that we think is a good possibility, and it turns out otherwise. Even in our homeschool group, she is the ONLY girl her age; there are lots of boys, but NO girls except EK. She didn't click with anyone in her Girl Scout troup either; the rest of the girls went to public school together and had already formed their friendships. We tried dance classes too, but she didn't click with anyone. She had a special friend a year or so younger, but the girl moved away; they still talk by phone and we schedule visits periodically, but it's not the same as having someone to go to the movies with, or whatever. She made a special friend at church, but the family moved away and now we rarely see them. EK and her brother became very close -- they actually claimed each other as "best friends" -- but he left for college in August and we only see him on breaks and the occasional weekend. I actually considered sending her to school just so she would have a social life, but SHE doesn't want to! She has 3 cousins who were homeschooled and then went to public school and became very different -- boy-crazy, into fads & fitting in, etc. -- and she says she doesn't want that to happen to her. My only advice to you is to keep encouraging her and keep praying. That's what I am having to do.

[Plucky]

Keep trying. My dd is an introvert and making friends didn't come naturally for her. I put her in scouts for a couple years and no relationships started. The girls were very unfriendly and standoffish and they were homeschoolers. Finally, I started my own troop and we have a wonderful, fun, boisterous set of girls that are truly bonded. So sometimes the specific group isn't a good fit but another would be delightful. You have to keep trying.

 

I had a mom look me up in our hs group directory, call me up, and inviter her and her dd over once. I didn't know even know them and her dd was an extreme introvert and very, very shy. My girls are friendly with her now and this girl has really blossomed too from her mom putting her out there just enough to have some social success.

 

I also take my kids to park days, play dates, craft days, etc. Invite a mom and her daughter over to make some Christmas cookies or do a craft or play games. My kids do all have friends now but it's only through a lot of work on my and other parents part that these things happen. Homeschooling can make it harder to form these friendships that would otherwise be made on a school playground. Keep trying. I think finding those special friends is worth it.

[Tammyla]

I understand and will add that as children (especially girls age) they tend to make friends with others who have common interests and activities. Girls Scouts, Sunday School, 4-H, sports, choir, books clubs are a few places to find friends.

[MomOfOneFunOne]

What did work was to meet kids through a class (or scouts or a library program) and THEN follow up with playdates. We usually started by meeting the child and mom at a park, museum, whatever. Then, we followed up by inviting them our house for coffee and play. And, then we invited for a second playdate--here's the kicker--even if they didn't call to reciprocate right away, if the first two times had gone well. I learned that everyone is busy, and many of us are shy--they may plan to call, but feel they have to have their house perfect first, or whatever.

 

Hmm, this is something I will have to think about myself. I do very much the same thing: get to know someone through an acitvity, invite them for a playdate (usually at a park or something). That's it, though. I usually feel that if they don't reciprocate, there is a reason. So, if I call, arrange the get-together, we play, we then wait for the other person to call and if s/he doesn't, we don't call back.

 

My daughter lost her two best friends in a move. Let me tell you, that was tragic. Then, believe it or not, just as she was beginning to get close to another girl, UGH!, they moved! So lately we've been looking out for forming some friendships. I called two moms and arranged a couple of play dates. My daughter and the other kid had a wonderful time both playdates. The moms and I seemed to get along great. But, they didn't call back. They've both made comments (at book club, mass, et c) that we should get together and I say, "we'd love to, give us a call!" but they don't. So, frankly, if I don't call, it's because I don't want to. Kwim? If I don't call you, it's b/c I don't want to get together. If I do want to get together, I will absolutely call and get that ball rolling. After that, though, a no call back tells me (b/c that's the way I am) that a second call is not welcome.

 

How do you know this isn't true? I suppose it would be interesting to try it out but somehow it would be very difficult.

[sheryl]

I know exactly how you feel. My 9 1/2 year old dd has no friends, kind of. Maybe it depends on the meaning. I am referring to solid, meaningful (for that age) trustworthy, kind friends.

 

We live in a neigborhood that has a mix of people. There are young 20's to 80's. I like that. However, there are very few kids in the neighborhood. And there none on our short cul de sac street for the longest time. Then 2 girls moved 2 doors down, ps girls....nice. They were sooooo busy in ps that they rarely went out. But when they did my dd and the 2 sisters played well together. Probably not more than a dozen times each year for about 4 years. They moved. Now there are 2 more sisters up the street (9 1/2 year old and sister is 6 1/2) and an only girl down the street 6 1/2 and the go to ps. I prefer the behavior of the only child, but she and her single mom/attorney moved from Africa here and she is seldom outside in the cold months now. The girls up the street are tom boyish. That's ok to a point, but they are too "socially" mature.

 

My dd has a good friend that moved 45 minutes away and we NEVER hear from them now. I've called 4 times....no more.

 

She has a friend 15 min away and the mom and I are acquaintances, but we NEVER see them.

 

I just wish there was a homeschooling family. One that is not so rigid, but flexible in their schedule to allow playdates. Isn't that why you homeschool? To NOT do as the ps does?

 

My dd is an only child and it's a little more worrisome for me because of that. She has some behavioral issues. I think part of that may have been different if she'd be able to witness how other children live/interact.

 

On top of all of that our families are 9 hours away.

 

Sorry, didn't mean to whine. This is a serious issue. I want her to learn how to interact with friends, work through problems, respect others (peers and of course her parents).

 

It's too bad we all can't start a 9-11 club for our dd's huh?

 

Sheryl

[kewb]

I have the same challenge with my 10 year old ds. There are just not a lot of 10 year old boys where I live. He does have one good friend (but he does not get home from school until after 4) and another one that I can not stand (he is not a good friend in any way) so I limit contact there. He is happy and he will play with anyone-no matter there age but I do wish I could find for him that circle of friends where you go places together and just roam around town with.

[sadiegirl]

I, too, could have written this post. We moved to a small town about 3 years ago and there is little or no homeschooling community here. Our home is on a lake with 5 other houses(no kids though) We are good friends with two of them(older couples who happen to love our boys!) However, we have struggled to find a church there is very little activities for kids to get involved in here. They take art class after school but there it is a small class and the other 2 students are girls that show no interest in friendship with my boys. My youngest son just signed up for Upward basketball which starts in Jan. so I am praying it will offer some friendships. We also started 4-H this month but our next meeting is in Feb and since it only meets once a month, I am not sure any actual connection will happen this year. All the other kids know each other. I feel sad for my boys...they don't have a single friend their ages here. They say it doesn't matter but everyone should have at least one friend in and around their age. This is the one thing I hate about living where I live now.

[laughing lioness]

I see this has been posted already but I want to second the email pals. My older girls have really relied on friendships that are not local, they email, send packages, and of course, fb and blog.

My older dd really did not develop close friendships until she went abroad. It can be rough, especially for those social, outgoing girls. I totally understand!

[Rhonda in TX]

Since this has been brought up to the top, I thought I'd give an update. I originally wrote this back in February. DD now has two very good friends. One is from another homeschool family and the other is from church. They don't see each a lot, but there are enough get-togethers to make her happy.

 

Those of you in the same boat, don't give up hope. I had no idea where her friends would come from. These were actually girls we already knew, and just over time (and with some effort from me), the friendships grew.

 

She is a much happier little girl. :)

[Stacy in NJ]

I encourage you to just keep trying. Friends don't become friends until after they've had several opportunites to see and get to know each other outside of planned activities. Keep plugging away. Choose a few activites that seem promising. When you daughter becomes friendly with another girl, invite her over - a few times, not just once or twice. If it doesn't work out - that's fine. Try again with another girl. You might be surprised, friendships develop in the most unlikely places sometimes. What I see frequently is that people stop trying, and that really limits opportunites. Sooner or later your dd will meet someone eager for a friendship, and what a blessing that will be.

[Kathy in MD]

I think we often have the image of kids, particularly girls, needing a "best friend," but not all kids have or want that. I know I was thrown together with certain kids more because our parents thought we should be friends, and often we had little in common. As soon as we met truly like-minded kids - not until high school, really - we moved on. The same was true for my wife growing up.

 

We really have to work to find social outlets for our extroverted dd - in our area, all the homeschoolers her age seem to be rough-and-tumble boys - but she doesn't seem to miss not having a best friend. And when she is in social situations, she just as often gravitates toward the adults. She's an only, though, so she is used to being surrounded by grown-ups and holding her own in conversations with them.

 

So I guess I would ask: Is your dd herself sad about not having close friends?

 

I agree. I never wanted a lot of friends. In college, I'd even rather curl up with a good book than go out with just any date or to a party on Friday night.

 

But often I did have one good friend, who just as often was male as female. So I must ask you, are you or your friends with ds's the age of your dd inadvertantly discouraging her from making friends with a boy? My sister actively discouraged her second dd from becoming friends with her male cousins -- ironic since she knew I often had male best friends. She would never acknowledge what she was doing, but it was obvious to me or another outsider.

[ereks mom]

...Once in awhile I question whether or not I am doing them damage by keeping them home but then even my kids reassure me and say that they would much rather be at home.

 

That's what EK says too.

Edited December 18, 2008 by ereks mom
accidentally submitted post before finishing typing title