plain jane Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 I helped her a bit with the basic outline (what she was going to make her paragraphs about) but she filled in all the details that she wanted to include in each paragraph and wrote this by herself. It's her first attempt at a longer piece of writing without using IEW, but it is not at all the longest she has written. She has NOT gone back and edited for spelling/mechanics yet. Is this acceptable for third grade? What suggestions would you have for her to help her improve on this a bit? I would like her to do some editing on this piece and polish it into a well written final copy. :) Every man, woman, boy, or girl should visit the ocean. It is a beautiful sight to every eye, as there are many gorgeous places to explore. On the beach, you may be fortunate enough to see lots of amazing wildlife. There are seagulls, sandpipers, sand dollars, and clams. Sometimes you may spy a sea anemone on the beach after the tide has gone out. If you look carefuly, you might spot a few little crabs in the sand. If you are looking for a pretty place where you can lie in the sun and rest, the beach is a good place to start. There are many beautiful things to see on the beach; seaweed, the magnificent sea shells, and the hot golden sun. There are many fun things to do on the ocean other than look at the wildlife. Looking for sea shells, swimming, sitting in the sun and enjoying the weather, and building sand castles would all make my day. If there are waves, you may even be able to go surfing. Despite all the beautiful sights, and the amazing wildlife, these are only a few of the many things to do at the beach. I think she could have done a much better job of expanding her paragraphs. She could have used more description and used more than 2 sentences per paragraph. I also don't like how she simply listed everything out and called it done. She had about 5-6 subpoints for every paragraph (on her outline) but looking at her rough draft, she simply plugged them all into a series of items in one sentence. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
plain jane Posted January 21, 2013 Author Share Posted January 21, 2013 Alright, so I went over dd's writing with her. I didn't tell her what to do but we discussed not having "you" in a formal piece of writing. I asked her to go back and reword her sentences. I also asked her to try to expand on some of her ideas instead of bunching everything into one sentence. This is what she came up with: Every man, woman, boy, or girl should visit the ocean. It is a beautiful sight to every eye, as there are many gorgeous places to explore. On the beach, there is lots of amazing wildlife to be seen. The seagulls and sandpipers are a few of the many birds that may be found. Sand dollars, which are lovely echinoderms, can be found in warm, shallow waters. Sometimes sea anemones may be spied on the beach after the tide has gone out. If studied carefully, a few little crabs might be spotted hiding beneath the sand. These are only a few of the wonderful creatures of the sea. There are many beautiful things to see on the beach. The water is the best part of all! There are also many other things to be found on the ground, such as seaweed and magnificent sea shells of every colour. It is very common to like the pretty blue sky with all the fluffy clouds in it. There are many fun things to do on the ocean other than look at the wildlife. Looking for sea shells, swimming, sitting in the sun and enjoying the weather, and building sand castles are all favorites. Surfing would be fun if there are big waves. If surfing, it would be wise to wear a wet suit. These are very gleeful things to do at the beach! Despite all the beatiful sights, and the amazing wildlife, these are only a few of the many things to do at the beach. I plan to have her go back and change some of her wording and use some stronger verbs and better imagery. What do you think now? Is she on the right track? I think she did a fairly good job of her first edit. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jean in Newcastle Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I think it is wonderful writing for a 3rd grader. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Maela Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I am impressed! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mytwomonkeys Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 My son is in grade 3 & would not have been able to write a multiple paragraph paper. I think she did fabulous! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PachiSusan Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 I am very impressed. It's very well thought out and descriptive. My 4th grader is struggling through a "How to Clean the Fish Tank" paragraph. It won't be as descriptive, I can promise you that. LOL Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
texasmama Posted January 21, 2013 Share Posted January 21, 2013 The detail and mechanics are very good for a 3rd grader. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sueh16 Posted February 4, 2013 Share Posted February 4, 2013 I used to teach third grade. I think your daughter's paper is very well written. Sue Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jkeys Posted February 13, 2013 Share Posted February 13, 2013 This is a high level of relational communication for the 3rd grade level. Many public schooled children would not write at this level in the 6th grade! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.