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Would it be rude?


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Would it be rude?  

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  1. 1. Would it be rude to ask if DD4 could go to the birthday party?

    • No, it can't hurt to ask.
      11
    • Yes, it would be rude.
      217
    • Other.
      5


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My oldest DD (6) was invited to a birthday party. The birthday girl is also turning 6. Our middle DD (4.5) was not invited, and I feel so sad for her. We have been friends with the girl's parents since before we each had kids, but we have all been so busy that we don't see each other much lately. All 3 of the girls play when we do get together. They have known each other since they were born. The birthday girl goes to PS, and most of the other guests are in her class at school (so 5 & 6 year olds). I think that is why DD4 was not invited, since she is younger.

 

Do you think it would be rude to ask if DD4 can come? Or should I just let it go? Maybe I'll just plan something fun for DD4 to do instead?

 

(Part of me says, just ask! The other part of me thinks that she purposefully wasn't invited, so I shouldn't ask. Ack! I'm worrying about this too much.)

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My little one turned four in Nov. She was very specific with how she wanted her party- what to play and do. We invited 3 of her friends, all of which had siblings. We are good friends with all the parents. This was the first party we had where the whole family wasn't invited. If everyone had brought siblings, they would've been left out of the game and crafts, as I only had enough for each of her friends. All this to say... she probably has a good reason for not inviting your other child. While I don't think it's rude to ask if she can come anyway, I do think it could put her on the spot and make her feel uncomfortable or even bad. Good luck!

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I agree with the others - don't ask. It would put the other mother on the spot.

 

Besides, now you have the opportunity to teach your kids that not everything has to be exactly the same for everyone all the time.

 

There will be times when your older daughter will want to have her friends to herself, and the same will happen with younger daughter. I don't know that I'd even plan something fun to do with the younger daughter during the party, because I'd want her to see that it isn't that big of a deal to have 2 or 3 hours of normal life while her sister is doing something else.

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I would not ask. We had a situation here where I invited the neighbor boy to my son's birthday but not his older sister who is 2 years older than my son. She asked me why she wasn't invited (herself, not her mom). Her mom was embarrassed and so was I. Of course, I then invited her. I told her it was a Power Ranger party and very boy oriented, so I didn't think she would like it, which is why I hadn't invited her. (She was into American Girl at the time.) Anyway, the whole thing was very awkward. I wouldn't recommend asking.

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I agree with the others - don't ask. It would put the other mother on the spot.

 

Besides, now you have the opportunity to teach your kids that not everything has to be exactly the same for everyone all the time.

 

There will be times when your older daughter will want to have her friends to herself, and the same will happen with younger daughter. I don't know that I'd even plan something fun to do with the younger daughter during the party, because I'd want her to see that it isn't that big of a deal to have 2 or 3 hours of normal life while her sister is doing something else.

 

 

This. I would explain to younger DD that sometimes they'll be invited to the same parties, but in most cases they probably won't. It doesn't need to cause a lot of drama. Whether you agree with the norm for birthday parties to include only same-age peers or not, it's the party host's decision to determine how many kids to invite and who will be on the guest list, and she has already done that.

 

I hope it doesn't sound like I'm dismissing your DD's feelings. My girls have both been invited to so many parties over the past few years, it just isn't a big deal to me.

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I don't think of it as "rude" to ask but I still wouldn't. They know you have another child. They didn't invite her. They must have their reasons. I would respect that and take the younger one to do something else.

 

 

:iagree: :iagree: :iagree:

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This. I would explain to younger DD that sometimes they'll be invited to the same parties, but in most cases they probably won't. It doesn't need to cause a lot of drama. Whether you agree with the norm for birthday parties to include only same-age peers or not, it's the party host's decision to decide how many kids to invite and who will be on the guest list, and she has already done that.

 

:iagree:

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Since they know her, they would have included her on the invite if she were invited. I think it would be best not to ask because that would be asking the parents to change the party to accommodate her (different "age-appropriate" activities, additional goodies if they don't have extra). I would explain that the party was only for children at least 5yo and go do something else with the 4yo. Hopefully she will understand the age criterion.

 

Once my dd (then age 4) was invited by a classmate to a birthday party. I didn't know the parents, and they did not know that I had another dd (also age 4) in the same class. I did call and ask if both dds could attend. The dad said that his 4yo son had only mentioned one of them when he asked for an invite list, but he was fine with my other dd attending. I would not have let just one of my dds attend that party, because they were the same age and in the same class, and there would have definitely been hurt feelings. (I should note that this was the first friend birthday invite we ever got, so it's not like they had lots of other opportunities and it was sort of a milestone.) (I should also note that I felt very uncomfortable asking, but ultimately it seemed better than declining the invitation outright.)

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I would not ask. I have had parents do all sorts of interesting things in regard to birthday invites. We invited a girl from my son's preschool class and her mom responded via email "DD (his classmate) and DD 2( younger sibling, we had never met) are excited to attend."

 

 

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Yes. When my youngest had her b'day party we had a good handful of her friends over - all same-age, pretty much, and selected by dd.

One girl had two younger sisters. The dad (mom was working and Dad was in charge that day)insisted when he dropped off the oldest, invited girl, that her sisters be allowed to stay for the party, too (he obviously wanted to NOT be in charge of the kids for a while!). DD was willing to let her friend's middle sister stay (this girl is tall and looks older than the other kids, too - so the rest of the girls did not think she was younger) and since one invited girl was unable to come I had an extra goody bag etc. to use - but dd and myself drew the line at the TWO-YEAR-OLD! This was a party for kids a good five years older and I was no longer set-up with a toddler-proof house! No no no.

 

Dad drove off. A few minutes later he called me to say he HAD to bring the toddler back as she was crying and wanted to come to the party. I said NO!

 

Please - do not ask. The party is planned. The mom will not appreciate having to keep an eye on an extra, younger kid. Other invited kids may also have younger siblings left home and wonder "Gee, if Susie's baby sister got to come, why didn't mine?". Just don't go there.Oh - this same all-girl party? The games involved dress-up, make-up, fairies - it was a GIRLIE party - the neighbor next door (her dd and mine were best buddies) got upset that her younger son was not invited to the all-girl party. When I had to ask him to stop crashing some of our out-side games (a make-up relay race for one - don't ask but it was hilarious!) his mom got upset. C'mon - this is a girl's party in our own yard! GIRLS!

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I would just tell the younger one that the party is just for the older kids this time and that there will be times that she will be invited to things that the older one isn't invited to. Then I would maybe set up playtime with a friend for her while the party is going on, but I wouldn't do anything more special than that.

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Please don't ask. My dd's 7th bday party was the first time we had a drop-off, all kids party. In the past we had the whole neighborhood and whole families. Dd was very excited to have a "big girl" party. I sent out the invites and one mom emailed to inform me that her "family policy" was that if one kid attends a party, the siblings must also be welcome. Her daughter has a younger sister who was 4 at the time. I begrudgingly responded that the 4 yo was welcome even though I was not pleased about it. I warned the mom that the activities were really directed towards the 6-8 yo crowd and that the 4 yo might feel left out. In addition, I was going to be the only adult there and we live on a busy corner with no fence.....this was to be an outdoor party. I was worried about supervising anyone younger than 6. Much to my shock, she dropped off her 6 yo, her 4 yo, AND her 2 yo son (with a DIAPER BAG)! I did not even see what happened. I saw them arrive, I welcomed the two girls, mom got in the van and drove away. It was just as she left my sight down the road that I noticed she did not take the 2 yo with her. He was just standing there with the diaper bag next to him, blinking at me. Then he started crying because he missed his mom. I spent the entire party chasing the 2 yo around! The 4 yo was also miserable and hid behind a tree the whole time. She was mad because the opening game was a treasure hunt that involved reading and she did not feel included. I was livid over the whole experience. Luckily, another mom took pity on me and the situation and stayed to help me out. She ran most of the party while I babysat. Unfortunately, despite the oldest still being friends with dd, she has not been invited to another party. She has not even been invited over for a playdate. I am too worried that an invitation will require the supervision of all of the children and I just cannot deal with that again.

 

I realize your situation is not nearly as extreme but the hosts know you have a younger child and if they did not include her in the invite, it is for a reason. Not a bad reason, just an age/space reason.

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I wouldn't ask, even though the mom would probably say yes. I'm sure the 6 yo throwing the party was super excited to make her own guest list and make choices on her own for how she wanted her party, so I'd let her have that. Once they reach PS age, the parties are less about the parents throwing them and more about the kids.

 

I think your 4 yo would love some one on one time with you, too!

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I wouldn't ask.

 

Reading the stories here honestly baffles me. A family policy, demanding who is invited where?! Holy entitlement, Batman! If you feel your kids aren't allowed to be individuals, have individual friends, activities, etc, fine, but keep it to yourself, and simply decline the invite rather than demand other ppl accomodate you.

 

Sheesh.

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Much to my shock, she dropped off her 6 yo, her 4 yo, AND her 2 yo son (with a DIAPER BAG)! I did not even see what happened. I saw them arrive, I welcomed the two girls, mom got in the van and drove away. It was just as she left my sight down the road that I noticed she did not take the 2 yo with her. He was just standing there with the diaper bag next to him, blinking at me. Then he started crying because he missed his mom. I spent the entire party chasing the 2 yo around! The 4 yo was also miserable and hid behind a tree the whole time. She was mad because the opening game was a treasure hunt that involved reading and she did not feel included. I was livid over the whole experience.

 

 

That is crazy.

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My oldest DD (6) was invited to a birthday party. The birthday girl is also turning 6. Our middle DD (4.5) was not invited, and I feel so sad for her. We have been friends with the girl's parents since before we each had kids, but we have all been so busy that we don't see each other much lately. All 3 of the girls play when we do get together. They have known each other since they were born. The birthday girl goes to PS, and most of the other guests are in her class at school (so 5 & 6 year olds). I think that is why DD4 was not invited, since she is younger.

 

Do you think it would be rude to ask if DD4 can come? Or should I just let it go? Maybe I'll just plan something fun for DD4 to do instead?

 

(Part of me says, just ask! The other part of me thinks that she purposefully wasn't invited, so I shouldn't ask. Ack! I'm worrying about this too much.)

 

Since the majority of guests are from the birthday girl's public school, I would not ask about the younger sister.

 

In certain situations I don't think it;s rude to ask, though- especially with close friends. For example; we re-joined a homeschool co-op after a few years off- so there was an even mix of "old" families and new (to us) families. a girl we barely knew in 4th grade had a Valentine party for all of the 3rd-5th grade girls at the co-op (but I didn't know the age range at the time.) My littlest (gr. 3) was invited. My 5th grader didn't know about it- but when she came with me to pick up her sister ALL of her close friends (grade 5) were there.

 

After some asking around to a wise mom of another invitee who knew all of the moms well- it turns out the host mom thought my 5th grader was older. (Funny- she LOOKS older, but is young for her grade) so in that situation- had I asked- she would have been way more than welcome.

 

Other times- it;s just a matter of space or cost limitations. When I host something that for some reason I can't invite all of the friends in a sibling group- usually due to age- say, oldest of the sisters is already younger than the group invited- I explain it gently to the mom when I do the inviting. For example: "My 8th grader is having an Ugly CHristmas Sweater Party. It will mostly be girls from the public school who are in grades 8-11. 8th grader really thinks your 7th grader will have fun, but your 5th grader might feel out of place so we're just inviting older girls." SOmetimes I might add an invitation for my 8th, and her 7th & 5ths to get together soon- so the younger has something to look forward to.

 

Stinks to have to make decisions on a guest list like that- but I do the best I can when I have to.

 

EDITING TO ADD: haha- sorry if my "other" vote messed up the unanimous poll! I just meant there are rare situations when it is OK to ask.

 

Oh- the ugly sweater party? Sweet Child invited a new friend, but not her twin sister! (and not her two younger sisters, either!) Why? Only one twin was in show choir with her. No problem AT ALL!

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This sort of thing happens to DS11 and DS13 a lot - sometimes it's DS11's friends and DS13 feels left out, other times it's DS13's friends and DS11 feels left out. They have a lot of friends in common, a lot who have brothers very close in age; if all us mums tried to invite the siblings of all our boys' friends it would get ridiculous. I usually just tell whichever boy feels put out to get over it, and remind him how last time it was him who went to so-and-so's birthday party on his own. Life's not always fair, but things mostly even out in the end.

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Not a little rude, but very, VERY rude!

 

Please don't teach your dd that if she's sad, then others must accommodate her desires. I wouldn't even give much discussion to it, I'd just say, "Dd, since you aren't going to the party, we'll have time to go ___________."

 

Then I'd take her out to lunch or the park or something.

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Please don't ask. My dd's 7th bday party was the first time we had a drop-off, all kids party. In the past we had the whole neighborhood and whole families. Dd was very excited to have a "big girl" party. I sent out the invites and one mom emailed to inform me that her "family policy" was that if one kid attends a party, the siblings must also be welcome. Her daughter has a younger sister who was 4 at the time. I begrudgingly responded that the 4 yo was welcome even though I was not pleased about it. I warned the mom that the activities were really directed towards the 6-8 yo crowd and that the 4 yo might feel left out. In addition, I was going to be the only adult there and we live on a busy corner with no fence.....this was to be an outdoor party. I was worried about supervising anyone younger than 6. Much to my shock, she dropped off her 6 yo, her 4 yo, AND her 2 yo son (with a DIAPER BAG)! I did not even see what happened. I saw them arrive, I welcomed the two girls, mom got in the van and drove away. It was just as she left my sight down the road that I noticed she did not take the 2 yo with her. He was just standing there with the diaper bag next to him, blinking at me. Then he started crying because he missed his mom. I spent the entire party chasing the 2 yo around! The 4 yo was also miserable and hid behind a tree the whole time. She was mad because the opening game was a treasure hunt that involved reading and she did not feel included. I was livid over the whole experience. Luckily, another mom took pity on me and the situation and stayed to help me out. She ran most of the party while I babysat. Unfortunately, despite the oldest still being friends with dd, she has not been invited to another party. She has not even been invited over for a playdate. I am too worried that an invitation will require the supervision of all of the children and I just cannot deal with that again.

 

I realize your situation is not nearly as extreme but the hosts know you have a younger child and if they did not include her in the invite, it is for a reason. Not a bad reason, just an age/space reason.

 

This happened to me once as well. Altho the Mom did call and ask if we would take her 2 yr old along with her other 3 who had been invited. She and her hubby got a date night out of the deal and my teens ended up babysitting the younger two kids. I really didn't know how to say no back then, altho that would not be the case if it happened to me today.

 

As my Dad used to say: Too soon old and too late smart.

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Does the other mom have more than one kid? This strikes me as something a person does who only has one kid. They don't deal with younger kids being left out and feeling left out.

 

I don't think this is about family size. I have 5 kids, and I don't regularly invite friends' sibs to birthday parties, play dates, or other events. My kids, as a whole or in parts, don't get invited together either.

 

I do host one-on-one play dates for my kids at the same time. If those one-on-one playdates are sibs, that's great, but I let my kids pick who they want to invite. We actually have a situation right now where my 10yo is taking a break from a friend. Her friend is the big sister of my 6yo's best friend. That situation is a little dicey.

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Much to my shock, she dropped off her 6 yo, her 4 yo, AND her 2 yo son (with a DIAPER BAG)! I did not even see what happened. I saw them arrive, I welcomed the two girls, mom got in the van and drove away. It was just as she left my sight down the road that I noticed she did not take the 2 yo with her. He was just standing there with the diaper bag next to him, blinking at me. Then he started crying because he missed his mom.

 

I'd be calling the cops for child abandonment. What the heck is wrong with people?

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Much to my shock, she dropped off her 6 yo, her 4 yo, AND her 2 yo son (with a DIAPER BAG)! I did not even see what happened. I saw them arrive, I welcomed the two girls, mom got in the van and drove away. It was just as she left my sight down the road that I noticed she did not take the 2 yo with her. He was just standing there with the diaper bag next to him, blinking at me. Then he started crying because he missed his mom. I spent the entire party chasing the 2 yo around!

 

 

This is probably the most bizarre thing I've heard in quite some time...what the heck are some people thinking???

Did you say anything to her when she returned to pick up her kids?

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This is probably the most bizarre thing I've heard in quite some time...what the heck are some people thinking???

Did you say anything to her when she returned to pick up her kids?

 

I did not. There was no point by then. I had already promised myself I was not inviting this kid over ever again for anything. I realize I could have had a rational discussion and perhaps changed the situation so that we could again invite dd's friend to things, but I was far too angry at that time to be rational. And frankly, her idea of OK and mine are just so far apart, I did not see us every agreeing on this.

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I wouldn't ask. If I were the other parent, I would feel obligated to say "yes", but if I had only invited one reason, there was likely a reason. My daughter and her best friend play very, very well with my younger son, but in a group? Not so much - understandably, they have different interests at their age than my son does at his and it just doesn't work well; inevitably my son would feel left out.

 

I understand that it's hard to have one child sad and feeling left out, but I believe it is important for children to have their *own* things in life - toys, books, AND friendships.

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We invited a girl from my son's preschool class and her mom responded via email "DD (his classmate) and DD 2( younger sibling, we had never met) are excited to attend."

 

Wow! The only extra sib I would ever bring would be a baby I was carrying, not actually participating. That's just odd to tell someone like that they're bringing an additional guest.

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My oldest DD (6) was invited to a birthday party. The birthday girl is also turning 6. Our middle DD (4.5) was not invited, and I feel so sad for her. We have been friends with the girl's parents since before we each had kids, but we have all been so busy that we don't see each other much lately. All 3 of the girls play when we do get together. They have known each other since they were born. The birthday girl goes to PS, and most of the other guests are in her class at school (so 5 & 6 year olds). I think that is why DD4 was not invited, since she is younger.

 

Do you think it would be rude to ask if DD4 can come? Or should I just let it go? Maybe I'll just plan something fun for DD4 to do instead?

 

(Part of me says, just ask! The other part of me thinks that she purposefully wasn't invited, so I shouldn't ask. Ack! I'm worrying about this too much.)

 

I think it is rude to ask if an uninvited guest can be included. I feel for your situation, having had kids close together, but if her classmates are invited, they won't necessarily include a younger child.

 

I think the most you can get away with is a quick, "Now this is for X (older girl) only...or is Y (younger girl) invited also? I wasn't sure if it was just classmates and kids exactly her age." (Said with bright smile). Even that is pushing it a little, but if you are friends, you can do it.

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If she wanted your younger child there, she would have invited her..... As the host, I'd probably say yes even if I didn't want to, and it would cause a strain on our relationship because you had put me in an awkward position.

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I agree with the others - don't ask. It would put the other mother on the spot.

 

Besides, now you have the opportunity to teach your kids that not everything has to be exactly the same for everyone all the time.

 

There will be times when your older daughter will want to have her friends to herself, and the same will happen with younger daughter. I don't know that I'd even plan something fun to do with the younger daughter during the party, because I'd want her to see that it isn't that big of a deal to have 2 or 3 hours of normal life while her sister is doing something else.

When you have lots of kids, not everyone gets the same stuff all the time. My oldest gets more opportunities because she's 15. She's more responsible. A parent can invite my 15 yo over to hang out with another kid and it won't change a thing about the way things go in the house. Inviting a 7 yo is different, and that's what I tell my 7 yo dd when she complains. I also mention that when oldest dd was 7 she didn't get to go out and stuff as often as she does now. It's just different. Be matter of fact and your dd will be fine.

 

In a large group of 6 yo's your 4 yo will likely be left out. That's just the way it would probably play out. Then the mom will have the hassle of trying to work out the situation. Don't ask.

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Please don't ask. My dd's 7th bday party was the first time we had a drop-off, all kids party. In the past we had the whole neighborhood and whole families. Dd was very excited to have a "big girl" party. I sent out the invites and one mom emailed to inform me that her "family policy" was that if one kid attends a party, the siblings must also be welcome. Her daughter has a younger sister who was 4 at the time. I begrudgingly responded that the 4 yo was welcome even though I was not pleased about it. I warned the mom that the activities were really directed towards the 6-8 yo crowd and that the 4 yo might feel left out. In addition, I was going to be the only adult there and we live on a busy corner with no fence.....this was to be an outdoor party. I was worried about supervising anyone younger than 6. Much to my shock, she dropped off her 6 yo, her 4 yo, AND her 2 yo son (with a DIAPER BAG)! I did not even see what happened. I saw them arrive, I welcomed the two girls, mom got in the van and drove away. It was just as she left my sight down the road that I noticed she did not take the 2 yo with her. He was just standing there with the diaper bag next to him, blinking at me. Then he started crying because he missed his mom. I spent the entire party chasing the 2 yo around! The 4 yo was also miserable and hid behind a tree the whole time. She was mad because the opening game was a treasure hunt that involved reading and she did not feel included. I was livid over the whole experience. Luckily, another mom took pity on me and the situation and stayed to help me out. She ran most of the party while I babysat. Unfortunately, despite the oldest still being friends with dd, she has not been invited to another party. She has not even been invited over for a playdate. I am too worried that an invitation will require the supervision of all of the children and I just cannot deal with that again.

 

I realize your situation is not nearly as extreme but the hosts know you have a younger child and if they did not include her in the invite, it is for a reason. Not a bad reason, just an age/space reason.

 

 

Laughing at the woman's hubris here. Her "family policy" does not trump your family's judgment. She is free to accept the invitation or decline, not to renegotiate it, as if it were a contract! Ha ha ha.

 

And Oh MY...can't believe she dropped the TWO year old! Wow. She's got some nerve!

 

That's one of the worse birthday party stories I've heard! I've had parents drop 6 year olds and not come back until several hours after the end of the party (which they knew), but wow...two??

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I have had parties where I invited siblings and some where I did not. Every time I only invited the friend of my child and not siblings for whatever the reason at the time the parents planned something special with the child not attending the party. I vote for plan an outing with your dd.

 

I did get asked once if little sister can come to ds party with her older sons and I just told the mom if you stay to watch her she can come. I had several activities planned for the boys and I had my own 3yr old dd to keep up with with the help of my older sons. The dad dropped the boys off and was planning on staying with dd but I saw my dd wanting to play with the little girl and I offered to let her stay but the little girl was to shy to stay with us and left with her dad.

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I would not ask.....but I'd probably not send my older one either. My girls are 5 and 8. Any friends that they have are the same group and play together. It would be very unfair to my younger daughter if my older daughter got invited and she didn't when they are all friends.

 

ETA...it's not just a case of sending a younger sibling along. They are actually friends.

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I would not ask. One would plan different games for different age groups and what would be fun to one group would not be fun to another. Also, younger children require a different level of supervision and care. My son is four and there is NO WAY I would expect him to go to a six year old's party. He would probably annoy the other children, start crying at some point or another or throw a tantrum. Sure he is all sweetness and light as long as everything is interesting but if he gets bored...yeah.

 

My mom was always sending me with my older sister to things, it is annoying and awkward to be in that situation.

 

Also, IMO homeschooling kids are often thrown together with mixed ages. I think it is fair to let the older kids get a break now and then from their siblings.

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I would not ask. One would plan different games for different age groups and what would be fun to one group would not be fun to another. Also, younger children require a different level of supervision and care. My son is four and there is NO WAY I would expect him to go to a six year old's party. He would probably annoy the other children, start crying at some point or another or throw a tantrum. Sure he is all sweetness and light as long as everything is interesting but if he gets bored...yeah.

 

My mom was always sending me with my older sister to things, it is annoying and awkward to be in that situation.

 

Also, IMO homeschooling kids are often thrown together with mixed ages. I think it is fair to let the older kids get a break now and then from their siblings.

:iagree: I know when we've planned things for one kid or the other, it's totally geared to age/interests. What's good for Tazzie, a 7 yo boy, doesn't work for Princess, a very girlie 6 yo. And vice versa.

 

Honestly, I've always been rather happy when the kids were invited places individually. They need some seperation, some independance. They spend all their waking hrs together, the opp for them to be apart is a *good* thing, imo.

 

2 yrs can be a heck of an age gap, esp when it comes to planned activities. To expect folks to include such a range in a party is unreasonable, imo. 10-12 is a closer gap than 4-6, in terms of interests, maturity, skill set.

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