I.Dup. Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Dh is really wanting to move to FL (we live in WA right now) to be closer to his family because his mom has malignant breast cancer. This totally makes sense, and I'm proud of him for wanting to be closer to support his parents. I have tried to be nothing but supportive in the 2+ months since we found out and there are many perks of moving to FL. I do love his parents and want to help them also. BUT we moved near them once. It did not work out at ALL. They have made it clear over the past 11 years that we really aren't a huge priority in their lives and dh says that shouldn't matter, that we should move near family to help THEM and to model for our kids that family helps each other. I agree with that in theory and think it's wonderful that he feels that way. BUT my problem is that he is going into this move with very starry-eyed expectations and we have never been on the same page with family issues. For some reason he doesn't see his family for what they are. He thinks they will be totally helpful with the kids, take them over night, take them so we can go on dates, and of course they won't (with my MIL being sick!! And they have never changed so much as a single diaper of one of our kids in any of our visits, ever. They have no desire to help with our kids.). Also, the dynamic between him and his parents is very strange to the exclusion of the kids and I. It's always like this. They get these ideas of things they're going to do (4 wheeling, shooting, hunting, fishing, whatever) and they run off with dh and I'm just kindof left with the kids. Dh LOVES this. He loves reliving his childhood. I hate it and resent him for it. He's a MUCH better dad when he is away from his family. We are all closer when it is just us. I know I'm being terribly selfish and I guess I'm trying to figure out how to process this. We have moved across country once to be near his family, and again to be near my family, and both times it was a total nightmare. But I understand his mother is sick and want to support her, etc. He has never been close to her before. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
itsheresomewhere Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 I am modeling mental health to my kids by letting them know it is ok not to live near family. Meet certain relatives and trust me you will get it in 5 minutes. I can not live near them but I do have my kids make cards, call them and other stuff to show them how to love someone far away. It is not selfish to admit what you can't handle. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RoughCollie Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Gee, let's start with I don't think you are being selfish under the circumstances. If it were my husband, I'd suggest he visit his family instead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Have you discussed these things w/him? That would be the first thing to do, imo. Discuss boundaries. Discuss how it feels to be left behind...and now that your kids are older, how that will affect them. About the priority of being 'Husband' and 'Daddy' over 'Son'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ewe Mama Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 I would not move. Show your dh your post and see it triggers his memory. Dh wants to be a good son and do all the things that a good son would do, in his mind. This is great if the family were welcoming and supportive of all of you, but they aren't. They only have eyes for him. That whole scenario would end very badly, with lots of resentment. Stay far away. Help him to visit frequently, if possible, on his own. Have him send a card or note every week. Send flowers from time to time. You can be loving and supportive from a distance. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 I'm sorry, I wouldn't do it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 Yes, we have started discussing this AGAIN although we have always had arguments about how things are around his family. He and I just don't see eye to eye on this at all. We started discussing this 2 nights ago when he was bashing my family (my family isn't the most helpful or involved either but they HAVE been there for us way more than his side of the family has) and I started crying and told him that my family is way more supportive than his family ever was, that he's not living in reality of what his family has been like, etc. I finally told him last night that I would rather not discuss moving anymore until he is ready to job search and/or actually finds a job there. Right now it's all talk, talk, talk. Moving to FL would be better in many ways. Not such cold weather, more to do (we are in the middle of nowhere out here). But there would also be a lot more and different expectations on us, and negatives as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 I do not have the best relationship with my brother. He and his wife have shown over and over that my feelings, family, and kids are not high on their priority list. My parents are disappointed by this and not long ago my dad wanted me to start reaching out to my brother more. The fact is I was the ONLY one reaching out for years. I am sad I do not have a relationship with his kids. We do get together with them occassionally. I'm just not going to cancel other things and stop my life to do it. My parents were not in town over the holidays and we were traveling, so we did not see them for the holidays. We were hoping to get together with them this month, but one of my kids is in a show and has weekend rehersals. The thing is, we could plan something, and they could cancel or only half would show (very disappointing to my kids). My dad told me I'm not modelling good family relationship by doing this. No - I'm modelling that I don't have to let people walk all over me and be the one who gives always. Especially, to my daughter. I truly hope that if my kids have someone (relative or not) that treats them poorly over and over again as an adult, that they chose to keep their distance. It's very noble your husband wants to help. But you have baby #7 coming, right? How helpful are you really able to be in this season of your life anyway? It sounds like there are some family dynamics there that would be very difficult to move back to. I think I would gently tell my husband you don't think it will work. I would look at ways you help and be supportive from where you are now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 But you have baby #7 coming, right? How helpful are you really able to be in this season of your life anyway? It sounds like there are some family dynamics there that would be very difficult to move back to. I think I would gently tell my husband you don't think it will work. I would look at ways you help and be supportive from where you are now. Yes, we have many young children. That's where the whole "thinking they're going to help" thing comes from. My dh thinks they will do the whole grandparent thing and he's looking forward to that, when they have NEVER been that way. They all seem to have these odd expectations of what things will be like when none of our visits or our time together has been like that. I hate feeling so differently from dh on this but there doesn't seem to be a way around it. Would you stay where you were, even if you didn't particularly love living there? I do think it's best for us to be away from family, but where we are living now isn't totally ideal. It's not terrible, but I can see the perks of being in FL. I can also see many downsides. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Well I will be the dissenter and say I'd go and try to look to the positives. I would hate to have the regret of not going to my mom when she was sick. Edited to add---- and part of why I say that is because you are not tied to where you are now. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Woodhaven Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Have you discussed these things w/him? That would be the first thing to do, imo. Discuss boundaries. Discuss how it feels to be left behind...and now that your kids are older, how that will affect them. About the priority of being 'Husband' and 'Daddy' over 'Son'. This. You need to discuss this with your dh if you haven't. Does he need to see it in writing? You could write it down for him and then discuss point by point. Sorry! I wouldn't want to move under those circumstances either! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Yes, we have many young children. That's where the whole "thinking they're going to help" thing comes from. My dh thinks they will do the whole grandparent thing and he's looking forward to that, when they have NEVER been that way. They all seem to have these odd expectations of what things will be like when none of our visits or our time together has been like that. I hate feeling so differently from dh on this but there doesn't seem to be a way around it. Would you stay where you were, even if you didn't particularly love living there? I do think it's best for us to be away from family, but where we are living now isn't totally ideal. It's not terrible, but I can see the perks of being in FL. I can also see many downsides. If you really wanted to move somewhere warmer and wanted to move to a more metro area, maybe a compromise would be to move within a 3-6 hour drive of the in-laws? I totally get it with the pre determined grandparent behavoir. It'd be one thing if they were doing the whole jump in and be supportive grandparent thing when you were there. But I'd definitely feel like they weren't likely to change their tune now either. And I also think going into a situation like this would be really worrisome! Also, the dynamic between him and his parents is very strange to the exclusion of the kids and I. It's always like this. They get these ideas of things they're going to do (4 wheeling, shooting, hunting, fishing, whatever) and they run off with dh and I'm just kindof left with the kids. Dh LOVES this. He loves reliving his childhood. I hate it and resent him for it. He's a MUCH better dad when he is away from his family. Behavoir like this is NOT something you want modelled to kids IMO, KWIM? If you do end up moving there, I definitely try to reign this in and say something like, I know you want to hunt, fish, etc. How about we each get one Saturday a month to ourselves? I know for you that is harder and may involve taking the coming newborn, but at least get him try to be mindful about just running off to "play". Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 I think that if you consider a move, you guys *must* be on the same page. You *must* agree to boundaries. You *must* talk about the feelings of resentment, etc that happened before. Loyalties *must* be agreed upon, adhered to. Otherwise, he may gain a relationship w/his parents, but lose the one w/his wife...and that's too high a price. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kewb Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Based on what you have described as his behavior around his family I would not move. I think it is admrable that he wants to be a good son and close by to help his parents but I think the reality is that you will be doing all the heavy lifting. Your husband will most likely be at work when mom goes to the doctor, they need a prescription filled, groceries purchased, meals made. Who will be helping-you. He will get to feel good for moving closer and you will do all the work. If it was me I would end up resentful and ticked off all the time and that would not be healthy for me or our marraige. It is certainly not behavor I would want my kids to be learning. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaxMom Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 I found, after years of my husband not "hearing" me on a particular subject (which was trivial compared to a cross country move), that he understood it very clearly when our marriage counselor (who we were seeing for a completely different issue) "translated" it for him. Somehow, someone else saying essentially the same words came across without the emotional "she hates my family" component, and we were able to work out a compromise. Perhaps a third party could help with the translation between the two of you, and help get you on the same page with expectations and boundaries? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
matrips Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 FL is a large state. Couldn't you move to Fl if you want to for the warmth etc, and still be a very long drive away from the parents? That would lessen the false expectations of them being helpful, any pressure for you to be on call running errands, and dh couldn't as easily or often, join them for a fun day. Yet you would be closer if there were any emergencies or if he really needed/wanted to see his mom. Yes, we have started discussing this AGAIN although we have always had arguments about how things are around his family. He and I just don't see eye to eye on this at all. We started discussing this 2 nights ago when he was bashing my family (my family isn't the most helpful or involved either but they HAVE been there for us way more than his side of the family has) and I started crying and told him that my family is way more supportive than his family ever was, that he's not living in reality of what his family has been like, etc. I finally told him last night that I would rather not discuss moving anymore until he is ready to job search and/or actually finds a job there. Right now it's all talk, talk, talk. Moving to FL would be better in many ways. Not such cold weather, more to do (we are in the middle of nowhere out here). But there would also be a lot more and different expectations on us, and negatives as well. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Well I will be the dissenter and say I'd go and try to look to the positives. I would hate to have the regret of not going to my mom when she was sick. Edited to add---- and part of why I say that is because you are not tied to where you are now. :iagree: :iagree: :iagree: I'll also join in on being part of the lone dissenters... Having experienced this back in Spring/Summer 2011 with my MIL dying of advanced stage brain cancer and we turned her beloved lake vacation home into a hospice for her final days. MIL and I never got along, period. We had epic battles during my 25 year marriage to her son. Even though it was evident of the toll it took on me (I became the "Mom" for everyone... cooked, cleaned, made arrangements with the funeral, notified people of the funeral, wrote thank you cards, and contacted insurance/settled her estate) as no one in the family could cope with her end stages and finally her death. I even recall one late night sitting at her side (she could not communicate at that point) forgiving her and asking her to forgive me for my past treatment of her as a DIL. Once I did that, I felt free emotionally to see her in a different light -- we were both mothers and it was bittersweet to see her and her children in her last days. Brought me to tears. I'll admit it was a pain in the butt to move over and live with them for 5 months. I also grew from that experience seeing my MIL in a different light. Family members saw me in a new light as being kind and not complaining when it came to the scutt work... stuff I like doing. I like to make people feel better and care for them. But looking back, I do NOT REGRET the fact I allowed my husband a chance to bond with his dying mother before she passed this world. I gave my son a chance to see his only grandmother. If I had been selfish or prideful, it would have devastated my husband and caused problems in our relationship. I suggest if not moving, at least make some long term visits to give the OP's husband a chance to say goodbye. Who cares if the grandparents are not perfect? Do the right thing. Sometimes you have to sacrifice in a relationship for the greater good. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dsmith Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 We moved in with dh's parents. It was to help both of us out, and in a way it did. In other ways it has been disappointing. We envisioned ds and his grandparents becoming closer and recapturing what they had when ds was younger, before sil had kids. Sadly, that has not happened at all. My mil spends most of her time with sil's kids, and fil spends most of his time in front of the tv or in his bedroom. I know you would not be moving in with your in-laws, but I feel that if you're moving close to them only to help them, and to get help from them that seems unrealistic, you will be feeling a lot of resentment. Perhaps your husband won't, but I think you definitely will. I know I do. (Dh does, too.) On the flip side, moving here enabled me to spend more time with my mother before she passed away last year. I can't tell you how much that means to me and how much I cherish the time we had. If you had other reasons for wanting to move to that area, perhaps a move closer but not too close would be worthwhile. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 I think a compromise in "closer", but not "too close" would probably work best in this situation. I agree with a PP that a 3-6 hour driving distance seems reasonable. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TranquilMind Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Yes, we have started discussing this AGAIN although we have always had arguments about how things are around his family. He and I just don't see eye to eye on this at all. We started discussing this 2 nights ago when he was bashing my family (my family isn't the most helpful or involved either but they HAVE been there for us way more than his side of the family has) and I started crying and told him that my family is way more supportive than his family ever was, that he's not living in reality of what his family has been like, etc. I finally told him last night that I would rather not discuss moving anymore until he is ready to job search and/or actually finds a job there. Right now it's all talk, talk, talk. Moving to FL would be better in many ways. Not such cold weather, more to do (we are in the middle of nowhere out here). But there would also be a lot more and different expectations on us, and negatives as well. I would do it and without expectations that they are going to be any different with the kids than they've ever been. It could happen, because sometimes being around creates relationships, but I wouldn't expect it. You won't love it, but if he really thinks it is the right thing to do, and his mother is sick, I'd do it, with some careful discussions beforehand. I certainly wouldn't want to be the cause of his resentment later, if he really wants to do this (assuming he has really thought it through). She may be dead in a year. Who knows? But then we've lost everybody, so I'm sure my perspective is different. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KungFuPanda Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Do they WANT you to move there? If I were battling cancer I'd be completely freaked out if a relative moved to town and expected me to help with 7 children. I have a great relationship with my brother and sister, but I can only ever take two of their kids at a time. I LOVE them, but when they leave I really appreciate how quiet my house and kids are. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Just. Say. No. Let your dh go and visit his mom and spend some quality time with her, but do not even think about moving there. He can talk to her on the phone every day. He can visit whenever he has time available. Instead of a family vacation, you can all go see his mom. But don't move. If you know that your in-laws will come between you and your dh, put your foot down and refuse to move. Because a temporary visit is one thing, but a permanent move is another, and you could end up lonely and miserable as a result, and you might even end up divorced. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parrothead Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 Think about how much money it will cost to move. Write out a budget for a potential move. Then when you get that money, use it to send dh to Florida once every couple months so he can be with his parents. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted January 17, 2013 Author Share Posted January 17, 2013 Wow, really good cases for both sides. Maybe that is why I am so torn. :( I will NOT be putting my foot down and refusing to move if dh is really set on it. He seems as he is but like I said right now it is all talk. But I don't want to be the sole reason we don't move, that is a lot of responsibility. :( I mainly wanted to know if what I felt was normal considering the circumstances, and okay I guess. It's comforting to know that it is. I really don't want to be selfish and keep dh from enjoying his family. But our marriage hasn't always been the greatest and I'm concerned about that as well. I will just have to wait and see what happens, I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
JFSinIL Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 When my mil announced that she had only a few months to live last June (she passed in Nov.) four of her six kids lived out of state. One, the youngest, is a Dominican Sister and the order moved her to a nearby small town so she could help care for her ailing mom and spend time with her before she died. She is still close by, as her even older dad needs help. Three of the other far-off kids have flown or driven in several times, alternating visits as much as possible. No one, aside from the Sister, has picked up and moved here. She was able to easily since she is single (well, duh!) and the Dominicans already had a small house of Sisters nearby that could take her. Would your hubby expect to pack up and move to be near YOUR folks in turn? I think it better if he plan on frequent visits to his mom. Trying to move the entire family does not seem reasonable.I want to add - both my divorced folks live in S. California. I am in Illinois. I last visited in July - my dad has dementia developing..and last month I got word mom has Azltimers (can't spell it and spellcheck is not helping). I can't just up and go visit until my adult son with autism is done with school - forever - in late May, as he HAS to travel with me (he won't let my hubby, who leaves home at 6am and gets home over 12 hours later, help him or even be int he same room with him - we still do not know why, and my dd's are not home much, either) so it costs twice as much to travel. Could we all up and move to California so I could help my folks? No - hubby's job is here, he would have to study for and pass the bar to practice law in another state, and at his age finding another job is not easy. Plus we flat out can not afford to live in S. California! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zebra Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 I would strongly suggest you not risk your marriage over it. There has got to be SOME sort of compromise. Moving closer but not too close, visiting more, letting DH go for a month long visit or something else other than moving there. I know many people will disagree with me, but it seems like your alarm bells are going off and you really should listen to them. Never make decisions when you are this emotional about something. There is a reason you haven't really seriously considered moving there until his mother got sick. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tex-mex Posted January 17, 2013 Share Posted January 17, 2013 When my mil announced that she had only a few months to live last June (she passed in Nov.) four of her six kids lived out of state. One, the youngest, is a Dominican Sister and the order moved her to a nearby small town so she could help care for her ailing mom and spend time with her before she died. She is still close by, as her even older dad needs help. Three of the other far-off kids have flown or driven in several times, alternating visits as much as possible. No one, aside from the Sister, has picked up and moved here. She was able to easily since she is single (well, duh!) and the Dominicans already had a small house of Sisters nearby that could take her. Would your hubby expect to pack up and move to be near YOUR folks in turn? I think it better if he plan on frequent visits to his mom. Trying to move the entire family does not seem reasonable. :iagree: MIL was dx'ed with her cancer in 2010. She died on June 2011. Prior to us moving (temporarily) for the 5 months prior to her death to her home to help care for her... my husband had the freedom to travel to his parent's home or the hospital she was in for a long term (i.e. 4-6 weeks at a time) visit without us. He made 3 major trips by himself as a result. That really helped him with preparing for her death. There was no way I would consider putting stress on my MIL with expectations of food or housing us during her illness. That would be impossible. It was less stressful for her and myself if we (son and I) stayed at home when her son (my husband) came to visit in the first stages of her illness. Once it was evident she did not have long to live... we packed up and moved in thinking we'd be there for a year. But she died within months. Again, no regrets for making the (temporary) move to get grandson and husband to say their final goodbyes. HTH Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pink and Green Mom Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Wow, really good cases for both sides. Maybe that is why I am so torn. :( I will NOT be putting my foot down and refusing to move if dh is really set on it. He seems as he is but like I said right now it is all talk. But I don't want to be the sole reason we don't move, that is a lot of responsibility. :( I mainly wanted to know if what I felt was normal considering the circumstances, and okay I guess. It's comforting to know that it is. I really don't want to be selfish and keep dh from enjoying his family. But our marriage hasn't always been the greatest and I'm concerned about that as well. I will just have to wait and see what happens, I guess. Think practically instead of emotionally. Do you own a home? Can you sell it and make enough money on it to buy a new one? Can DH find a job of similar type and pay in FL? Is he actively looking? Does he know how much it costs to move? Our move from VA to FL last summer was paid by my DH's new employer, but the paperwork I saw had the bill at close to $50,000 (I know you can do it cheaper, but it is still a lot of money). Has a realtor come to see your house? Are there any projects you need to do before you can put it on the market? Do you have the money, time and wherewithal to do them? And which comes first - accepting a new job or selling the old house? When are you due? Has his mother been given a certain amount of time to live? How soon is that compared to the other things? Instead of getting into the whole argument about family, discuss these types of questions. I do not think you are being selfish in the least. Not one bit. Only you know but is your DH serious, or is this more like wishing out loud on his part? If the latter, and if it were me, I'd say cheerfully, but in a noncommittal way - "that would be such a nice thing to do. Have you talked to a realtor about selling the house in this market?" If the former, lots of practical things need to be answered before anyone could make such a commitment. Volunteer to help proofread his resume or volunteer to research homes for sale in Florida, etc. Your DH is probably hurting about his mom. Do you think he deep down knows it isn't feasible and is just looking for an argument (you know what I mean?) I'm not saying you have to be on board with whatever he wants or do cartwheels over the news, but maybe offer to look into some of the practicalities and realities of actually making such a move. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wheres Toto Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 If this does come to pass, I would definitely try hard to talk to dh about looking at things realistically and addressing his actions, even if it means seeing a counselor. We live about 2 1/2 hours from my in-laws, which is about perfect. We were easily able to go down when MIL was in the hospital, dh goes down about once a month with the kids (I stay home), and I go at the holidays and maybe once over the summer when we camp near their house. Close enough to see them and help in extreme situations, not so close that drop-in visits are expected. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Izzy Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 I would consider moving but in the 3 to 6 hour range. The only reason I say that is you mentioned you weren't completely happy where you were and listed some of the perks of living in Florida. I wouldn't move just because of MIL having cancer though. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I.Dup. Posted January 18, 2013 Author Share Posted January 18, 2013 Thank you all. We do not own, we rent, so that part would be easy. We have considered moving to FL in the past but obviously it wasn't something we looked all that seriously into. Dh does not enjoy job hunting and is very much the type that likes to keep things as they are, so this should be interesting. We'll see what happens I guess. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Wow, really good cases for both sides. Maybe that is why I am so torn. :( I will NOT be putting my foot down and refusing to move if dh is really set on it. He seems as he is but like I said right now it is all talk. But I don't want to be the sole reason we don't move, that is a lot of responsibility. :( ... I really don't want to be selfish and keep dh from enjoying his family. But our marriage hasn't always been the greatest and I'm concerned about that as well. I will just have to wait and see what happens, I guess. Why isn't it OK for you to be the sole reason why you don't move? The way I see it, your dh has no problem being the only reason why you do move. And not for anything, but you're not being selfish by trying to keep your marriage intact -- he is being selfish by insisting that you should move, even when he knows you are against it. Stand up for yourself and your kids. It is absolutely ridiculous that, in a case where the dispute is over something as huge as making a big move, that the "no" vote shouldn't take priority. If you don't both want the change, there should be no change until such time as you are both in agreement about it. (And I feel the same way about other big stuff, too, like when one spouse wants more kids and the other one doesn't. The no vote wins, because it's such a big decision and has such a huge impact on the entire family.) You have said that your marriage isn't exactly all wine and roses under normal circumstances. That is a huge concern to me, because you already know that your dh turns into Mommy and Daddy's Baby Boy whenever he is with them, so I can't imagine that something like that could be anything but harmful to your marriage. If you don't want to turn this into a battle of wills, turn it into a battle of wits. As others have already said, talk about how difficult and risky it is to get a new job in the current economy and how the last one in is also usually the first one out during a layoff, how happy your kids are where you live right now, and how much of a nuisance it is to have to pack and move everything. There are dozens of valid and logical reasons why it would be a bad idea to move. Start peppering them into conversations, and when your dh talks about how important it is to move, don't get angry -- show him a list of pros and cons, and make sure he realizes that if he tries to force this move, he will be hurting both you and the marriage -- and if your kids have other family and friends in the area, it will be hard on them, as well. But really, don't minimize your own needs and feelings here. I know you don't want to seem selfish, but your dh has no problem being selfish, so I think you need to look out for what's best for you and your family. And obviously, never ever mention the move unless your dh initiates the conversation. If he's not usually a go-getter about this sort of thing, he might be all talk and no action, and your best approach may be to say nothing and do nothing. If he starts talking about looking for jobs or a place to live, tell him he should start working on that and don't offer to help. Tell him he can research potential homes online... and again, casually tell him to let you know when he finds some good options. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HS Mom in NC Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 I think you need to have a grown up talk with him about his expectations. Focus heavily on their past patterns of behavior. Point out the obvious limitations serious medical conditions like cancer will have on their future. You both should understand you will be giving the entire time. I think it's a good thing for you to do and for your children to see. You just have to be realistic. It's going to be all give. Any time he starts talking unrealistically about how he thinks they'll behave you can point out, "Well, they've never done that before. What's changed that they'll start doing it now?" Wait a long time in silence with eyebrow raised to indicate that you expect an answer and that it's not a rhetorical question. As to their past behaviors with him to your exclusion and the children's exclusion, the activities you list are not for young children. I've done them all. They (and he) should have invited you along (even if they assumed you would decline) and you should have hired a sitter if you wanted to go. If you didn't want to go, you shouldn't have to, but he should feel free to go now and then and do something with his family that they enjoy together and you can watch the kids. Most of the time they should be planning activities all your family members can do together. He should also volunteer to watch the kids for you when you go do something alone or with other adults when he doesn't want to, and he should encourage you to hire a sitter so the two of you can do an activity of your choosing sometimes. Sometimes he can choose what the two of you do together. These things should be balanced not all or nothing or leaning heavily to only one person's preferences. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Wow, really good cases for both sides. Maybe that is why I am so torn. :( I will NOT be putting my foot down and refusing to move if dh is really set on it. He seems as he is but like I said right now it is all talk. But I don't want to be the sole reason we don't move, that is a lot of responsibility. :( I mainly wanted to know if what I felt was normal considering the circumstances, and okay I guess. It's comforting to know that it is. I really don't want to be selfish and keep dh from enjoying his family. But our marriage hasn't always been the greatest and I'm concerned about that as well. I will just have to wait and see what happens, I guess. Oh I totally think you are normal for not really wanting to do it. And I would not risk my marriage over it....but surely you can get closer to FL ( WA state is faaaar away!). Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justLisa Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Would you stay where you were, even if you didn't particularly love living there? I do think it's best for us to be away from family, but where we are living now isn't totally ideal. It's not terrible, but I can see the perks of being in FL. I can also see many downsides. No. You should move over the mountains and *I* will watch them all :D And then we can be IRL friends Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 I'm with the dissenters. BUT, I say to start to talk to MIL. Be honest with how you feel, and what is holding you back. You can't expect things from people when they have no idea of those expectations. Can you expect much from her now? No. BUT, you can give her the opportunity to right her wrongs and heal your relationship. There's also nothing wrong with going down there and accepting who she is and adjusting your expectations. My mom lives 20 minutes from me and we see her almost never. So, how is this different? I have seen some real growth in my mom toward family lately, she's seen what she's done wrong. BUt I always am open to her wanting to restore things. You could give yourself some distance, and locate yourself by an awesome parish. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lisbeth Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 This would be a big, fat, no for me. He should visit more, but not relocate. 7 kids ?! Make that a big, fat no X 7. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 I'm with the dissenters. BUT, I say to start to talk to MIL. Be honest with how you feel, and what is holding you back. You can't expect things from people when they have no idea of those expectations. Can you expect much from her now? No. BUT, you can give her the opportunity to right her wrongs and heal your relationship. There's also nothing wrong with going down there and accepting who she is and adjusting your expectations. My mom lives 20 minutes from me and we see her almost never. So, how is this different? I have seen some real growth in my mom toward family lately, she's seen what she's done wrong. BUt I always am open to her wanting to restore things. You could give yourself some distance, and locate yourself by an awesome parish. I agree! Different factors have a us making a similar move (as you know ;) ). There was a time in our marriage that I would not have wanted this. Dh did what I called the "revert." He has grown and changed a lot in the time we have been away. My biggest concerns for you is your marriage. I would probably agree to go on the condition that we got some professional counseling before going....and the opportunity that whenever I felt the need we would get it after the move. We would be doing a lot of talking and there would be a lot of conditions. It sounds like you might not be unhappy in Florida in general. I completely agree with Mouse that it might provide you with the opportunity to be near a vibrant parish. Most of this really depends on how attached you are to where you live now and how long your MIL lives. What happens after she passes? Did I read correctly that your dh is not close to his Father? I think it is okay to not be totally thrilled with parts of the move, wary and cautious about others and excited about others. I feel the same way right now. (((((hugs)))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Seasider Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Juniper! "The revert"!!!! That is SO very true.... Very ticklish to handle. OP, I sense you may have wanted to entertain the idea of a move to a warmer climate & lower cost of living. But you don't want to go where your ILs are. I say don't let them stand in your way, but give yourself distance. Florida is a big state, as others have already mentioned. If you go, go with NO expectations of childcare help and/or lovely grandparent-grandchild relationships. Zero expectations = zero disappointments. Before you agree to move there, make sure your dh has a job lined up. Despite many things that make Florida an attractive place to live, employment opportunities are not quite the same in all areas of the state. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 18, 2013 Share Posted January 18, 2013 Juniper! "The revert"!!!! That is SO very true.... Very ticklish to handle. That just totally hit my funny bone today. So hysterical and true. I have my own revert I'm about to put through a wall and 'ticklish to handle' is a much nicer way of putting it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: It is tough. My DH would like to shift to the other side of the world temporarily. When one parent dies, he wants to be the one who looks after the other one. Both his parents are in their early 90's. He has 3 siblings that live there I reckon they can do the caring. If I was to temporarily shift over there I would have to leave my children behind (at least the older ones), I do not wish to do that. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Katy Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 Having a lot of relaives in rural Florida.... it is still one of the WORST job markets in the country, especially in rural areas. It also sounds like they might want him, but they don't want you and the kids. Does he understand this? I guess my thought is... what stage and type of breast cancer are we talking about here? Are we talking about a minor stage one in situ, or are we talking about stage 3 or 4 inflammatory breast cancer? Also, the idea that they will help with kids they have never wanted to help with before when they are in a major crisis is completely absurd. Unless there is a lot more to his side of the story that I'm not understanding here, I'd drag him to a pastor or counselor. He's married. His parents are no longer his first priority, you are. And whether you define that with boundaries or with bible verses, someone besides you needs to define that for him. Honestly if you're a member of a church and there's a pastor or older man who can explain that to him in a way that's more "Hey, be a man, step it up, leave and cleave", rather than coming from a whiny wife things might go over way better. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
elfgivas Posted January 19, 2013 Share Posted January 19, 2013 fwiw, when dh's dad was dying of pancreatic cancer, we moved into his parents house for six weeks so that we could be there for dh to help his dad. at the six week mark, i brought kids back home, and his dad died the following week. is it possible for you to find a house rental near your parents' home and go for four weeks or so now and see how it goes? would his job give him leave of absence for that long? or does he get two weeks holidays he could take? that way, you would have more info on reality rather than possibility? he could see if he can find a job. the deal would be that at the end of the time, if there is no job, you go back home, and he visits occasionally. if its gone well and there is a job, then you can stay. if its gone badly and there is a job, that would be tough. and it would be worth him asking his dad if what he's thinking makes sense or not. his dad will be the primary care giver, so he gets primary say on who he wants around to help, kwim? councelling sounds like a good idea., too, to help him clarify, and to help the two of you come up with a decision making framework and boundaries if the decision ends up being that you go.... ann Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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