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Say something or let it go? MIL issue.


sbgrace
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I have a mother in law with a spending problem, a hoarding problem, and a generous heart. Once we had kids she started buying children's books. I've got thousands. I've appreciated them of course. But I only have room for so many and my boys outgrow books.

 

In the past year, she gave me express permission to re-gift books we had outgrown. I had culled our collection in preparation for a move and packaged up the ones to give away.

 

I had stored them in the house and, about a week before the move, placed them in the garage. On moving day my mother in law found them and threw an absolute fit that the books were stored in the garage. She took those books home with her. I was irritated but oh well. She also took home books that I was keeping, assuming i was giving them away. Before I knew of that she had given most to someone else. So that was sad as some were books that had memories for me.

 

We had to move the rest of our things out when the old house closed two weeks ago. Before she gave me permission to give away books this year, I had been placing outgrown or unwanted books in boxes in our attic. While we were moving I sorted some boxes of various things to go to Goodwill and others to pack in the moving truck. I had a section of the living room ready for the Goodwill stuff. I specifically told her I didn't want her going through my give away boxes. I was very clear and friendly/kind as well. Other people were there. She told me she understood.

 

I was told she went through those boxes, pulled out about half the books, and took them home with her that day. I'm irritated. I really don't like that she went through my boxes. There may have been things I didn't want her to see I was giving away or who knows what. I'm wondering if she went through everything I packed up that day. Who knows.

 

I'm sure she's upset that I was giving books she bought to Goodwill at all. She's not one to directly express her anger so if anything is to be resolved or said it will have to be initiated by me. She doesn't know I am aware she took the books.

 

Do I say something or just let her feel what she undoubtedly feels??

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If you don't want anything back, I'd just let it go. Unless something is going to improve/be resolved, I just don't see the point, honestly.

 

That's the tack I take w/my MIL these days. Is it a boundary that needs enforcing, is something going to improve/be resolved? Am I condoning problematic behaviour w/my silence? If the answer is no, I just ignore.

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1. You do not need her permission to give anything she gave your family as a gift away. Once she gives it to you, it is yours. While I understand you were trying to avoid a problem by asking her permission, I think that was the first misstep. She might not have even known you gave books away if you hadn't let her know by asking her. Also, asking her permission makes it seem as if you really DO need her permission and you are somehow doing something not-so-okay. So I guess when it comes to MILs, my philosophy is Don't Ask, Don't Tell. ;) She should be on a need-to-know basis when it comes to the upkeep of YOUR home.

 

2. She should never be allowed in your house unaccompanied by you or your husband. She should not have a key "just in case." She should not be let in by a babysitter or sibling. Ever. She has shown herself to be untrustworthy.

 

3. You can't change her snooping, passive aggressive, hoarding tendencies. So no, I don't think this is the hill to die on. If she brings it up, sure, stand your ground and calmly tell her that you feel violated that she broke her word and went through your things without your permission. Otherwise, if it were me, the major change that would happen would be a redefining of boundaries. No explanations needed. She just doesn't get asked over as often. She is never allowed over without you or you husband there. She only babysits the kids at her house, if at all. Your husband will let her know that because of space, your family can only accept one gift per child (any extras will be returned or sold) for birthdays and holidays.

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I'd let it go unless she has books in her possession that you really want back, because I think it could get ugly. You were pretty clear and she didn't listen to anything you said...kwim? It sounds like she is on the surface totally agreeable, but she is going to do what she wants to.

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1. You do not need her permission to give anything she gave your family as a gift away. Once she gives it to you, it is yours. While I understand you were trying to avoid a problem by asking her permission, I think that was the first misstep. She might not have even known you gave books away if you hadn't let her know by asking her. Also, asking her permission makes it seem as if you really DO need her permission and you are somehow doing something not-so-okay. So I guess when it comes to MILs, my philosophy is Don't Ask, Don't Tell. ;) She should be on a need-to-know basis when it comes to the upkeep of YOUR home.

 

2. She should never be allowed in your house unaccompanied by you or your husband. She should not have a key "just in case." She should not be let in by a babysitter or sibling. Ever. She has shown herself to be untrustworthy.

 

3. You can't change her snooping, passive aggressive, hoarding tendencies. So no, I don't think this is the hill to die on. If she brings it up, sure, stand your ground and calmly tell her that you feel violated that she broke her word and went through your things without your permission. Otherwise, if it were me, the major change that would happen would be a redefining of boundaries. No explanations needed. She just doesn't get asked over as often. She is never allowed over without you or you husband there. She only babysits the kids at her house, if at all. Your husband will let her know that because of space, your family can only accept one gift per child (any extras will be returned or sold) for birthdays and holidays.

 

 

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