Trying to keep my cool!

[Scarlett]

On a short break from deep cleaning because my ds8 is making me want to pull my hair out. He is huge stick collector and when I found one in my master bath just now I threw it out my back door into the yard. Within a few minutes he comes wailing and crying into my bathroom where I was cleaning. He was so distraught sounding I thought he was hurt or something terrible had happened. So you can imagine my irritation when it turns out the dog had immediately grabbed that stick and snapped it in half. "Why? Oh why! It was my favorite one!' Blubber blubber wail wail. His favorite one---good grief. He collects them by the dozens. Just this week I had to vacuum out my trunk before I could haul some clothes to give away because he had filled it up with sticks from my parents. I mean probably 15 or 20 sticks.

 

So I said, "Its a stick. Go throw it outside and get back to the chore I gave you." His room is near mine and I try to clean but he is still wailing. 15 minutes later he has followed me in here to the computer still wailing. I am working to resist the urge to tell him to be quiet and stop being such a big baby!

 

Have I ruined this kid? If my Dad was here he woud say ONE TIME, 'hey you need to go outside to the whining bench if you are going to do that. None of that here.' And ds would dry up. Why won't he do the same for me? Shhhh...he's stopped. He first kicked at the dog crate and said, 'stupid dog! I begged you to drop it. Why! Oh Why!!!'

 

Where do you draw the line with not stomping on a sensitive boy and yet keeping him from being a big fat drama king!

 

Please help!

[DB in NJ]

Well, I can tell you what we do here. We have a very sensitive 9 yo boy who also collects sticks. And we just let him. He has his "stick collection" in his room. If I find one in the car or in the living room, I just call him and tell him to come pick it up, as if it were any other toy. I prefer to see him playing with sticks and using his imagination. DH and I had to really think about this and decide where to draw the line; seemed like every day he was bringing home a "new favorite stick." We decided to let him just keep a few (he has about 5 I think now). There is coming a day, all too soon, that my little boy will be gone....and so will his sticks and his messes and his tears.

 

As for the emotions, well, I guess you and your dh need to decide what's best for your ds. Our ds used to get upset if his stick or rock or piece of scrap paper that was "special" got thrown away. dh had a talk with him about how not EVERYTHING can be "special." And some stuff is worth keeping; other stuff is just trash. But we had to work through it with him and figure out when he was being a drama king and when he was really hurt.

[KS_]

As for the emotions, well, I guess you and your dh need to decide what's best for your ds. Our ds used to get upset if his stick or rock or piece of scrap paper that was "special" got thrown away. dh had a talk with him about how not EVERYTHING can be "special." And some stuff is worth keeping; other stuff is just trash. But we had to work through it with him and figure out when he was being a drama king and when he was really hurt.

 

I have a sensitive ds, too, who likes to collect stuff . . .He's gotten better over this last year about sorting through his "collections" and getting rid of the things he really doesn't care about anymore, but it's definitely been a process of maturing for him. And it's not always "collections" that he will have a fit about - he has a favorite shirt and stuff like that - and he has a very difficult time getting rid of these shirts as he outgrows them. . .I often let him keep the old one as a shirt for a stuffed animal or something like that to ease him away from it . . .

[Scarlett]

We let him collect the sticks. And the rocks. And the leaves. And whatever else he fancies. Sometimes we do have to limit it.

 

My issue is more with the extreme drama over every small thing. Just now when I ignored him for the most part it took him about 15 minutes to 'get over it.' I came here to post so I wouldn't vent my frustrations on him.

 

Now he has a neighbor friend over. Happy as a clam.

 

Oh, and before friend got here he was sneaking around the house behind me...a little thing he does that he knows his dad and I find irritating. So I realized what he was doing and hid around the corner and scared the soup out of him. I told him that is what he gets for sneaking around behind me. :lol: I feel like an evil mother today instead of a nurturing one.

[Colleen]

Donna's point is well taken in that the sticks are, in a sense, like any other toy ~ better, since they cost not a dime.;) To that end, you should respect his "toys" and not throw them to the dogs, so to speak. You also shouldn't degrade him for this particular interest. Having said that, the boy is being melodramatic, no question. If this particular stick is so precious to him, why was it in your bathroom? Have a talk with him. Assure him you're going to respect his property. Remind him he needs to take care of said property. And further remind him that whining and crying like an infant whose pacifier has been removed from his mouth is not acceptable behavior.

[Liz Mc in SC]

Ours is rocks, rocks in the laundry, rocks in the car, rocks on the kitchen table, rocks in my purse, rocks, rocks, rocks......and they are all important.

 

So I have a big pail, actually two pails in the drive way which I toss the rocks from the car into, a pail on the deck which I toss the rocks from the railing into, and the rocks in the house, well I just call Her -- yes my daugher-- to come and get them or they will be gone.

 

It's frustrating...but it's slowing down now that she is TWELVE -- we have a collection of rocks from special places -- and a bunch of rocks from who knows where. But there are rules, no rocks in the front seat or floorboard of my car, no more sticking rocks in my purse to carry, and the big one, if she doesn't come to pick up her rocks, they will return to the great outdoors.

 

I don't know if I'd rather have rocks or sticks, rocks sure make your purse heavy!!

[Scarlett]

Donna's point is well taken in that the sticks are, in a sense, like any other toy ~ better, since they cost not a dime.;) To that end, you should respect his "toys" and not throw them to the dogs, so to speak. You also shouldn't degrade him for this particular interest. Having said that, the boy is being melodramatic, no question. If this particular stick is so precious to him, why was it in your bathroom? Have a talk with him. Assure him you're going to respect his property. Remind him he needs to take care of said property. And further remind him that whining and crying like an infant whose pacifier has been removed from his mouth is not acceptable behavior.

 

Ok. That is true about me throwing his stick to the dog. I don't think he even realizes I did that because he was in the front room and I threw it out my bedroom door....and he saw the dog come up to the front room door.... Anyway, he is mad at the dog not me. I guess I get flustered with his drama and can't even think straight, because honestly I don't care if he keeps sticks! I have had that same talk with him many times when the dog chews something of his...'you have to take care of your stuff and keep it put up from the dog who doesn't know any better.' So I wish I had re-stated that position instead of saying, 'It's a stick!' :tongue_smilie:

 

I did manage to ONLY say that, when in fact, my blood was near boiling at the drama.

 

Thanks all! You're good people.

[Scarlett]

Ours is rocks, rocks in the laundry, rocks in the car, rocks on the kitchen table, rocks in my purse, rocks, rocks, rocks......and they are all important.

 

 

I don't know if I'd rather have rocks or sticks, rocks sure make your purse heavy!!

 

We have both at this house. And I've given this a lot of thought...which one is worse. Rocks ARE heavy. They weigh down your purse and jeans pockets. They clang in the dryer. However, some are kinda pretty. The sticks....well, I don't mind them mostly, and we have rules too about sticks. None in the front of my car (trunk only) because the headliner is likely to get poked. A limited number on the back patio...one or two can stand by the back door...the rest must go into his fort up top so the dog can't get to them.

 

He is only 8...you mean I might have YEARS yet of rocks and sticks? :tongue_smilie:

 

In all seriousness, I LOVE my little boy. I don't try to make him grow up too quick, I don't try to 'make a man' out of him...and thus I second guess myself on the what to do with the drama.

[Robin Hood]

To cut the drama, diguise the stick first, then toss it. Perhaps as in break it little pieces and put it in a paper bag, then the trash can. It cannot be scene. If it is even missed, answer with questions, such as, "Where did you last leave it?" or "Did you put it away when you were through with it?" Never cop to be the culprit to the destruction of lost toy. Then get on with your day. They grow up, they forget. They are past the drama by then. Call me evil, if you like, but it works on sensitive kids. Hopefully they learn to put their stuff away next time to prevent mysterious disappearances.

[Colleen]

Ok. That is true about me throwing his stick to the dog.

 

When I said you shouldn't throw his toys (sticks) "to the dogs", I was speaking euphemistically. I didn't mean you intentionally threw it to the dog, or that he knew you threw it in the vicinity of the dog; I was saying that you shouldn't show a lack of respect for his property.

 

But the bigger issue, imo, is his melodramatic behavior after the fact. You mentioned that he wouldn't have dragged it out like that if your father had been there. Why is your dad's voice of authority more significant than your own? That's the question. Not one I'm trying to make you work through here; just something to think on.

[gandpsmommy]

I don't have much advice, but I can definitely commiserate. Ds is a major collector of rocks, sticks, and other nature objects. And he does tend to leave them lying in odd places sometimes, and he is very sensitive and can cry for extended periods of time over things that we wish he could just get over. The most memorable episode involving nature objects for us happened after dh's graduation from his MBA program. The children and I were waiting for dh to meet us outside after the commencement was over. Ds, of course, found a stick and began playing with it. He deciced to set it down after awhile because he was done with it and didn't want it anymore. Except that after we had walked a long distance to our car in the heat he decided that he did want the stick, that it was very important to him, that he was deeply saddened by it's absence. And he proceeded to cry for the entire 10 mile car ride to my parents' house where we were having a graduation party.

 

And then there was the time that we were at the zoo, and he was having a great time, until I made the mistake of pointing out a little lizard running across the shaded path where we were walking. He tried his best to catch it, but couldn't. He was heartbroken. He cried, and cried, until we finally had to leave. He cried all the way to the car, begging dh to buy him a lizard at the pet store. He cried all the way in the car, until he finally fell asleep.

 

 

We were at my grandma's house one time and she was telling us a story about when she was a little girl and they found a toad. Ds started crying (real, very heartbroken tears) because he didn't have a toad and he wanted one.

 

Just the other day dd made the mistake of telling ds (who now often finds and catches toads and keeps them for pets) that the dog had found a toad the night before, but it had gone under the deck where it couldn't be retrieved. Ds again became sad and cried, even though he had a toad in his acquarium.

 

Dh tends to have a more difficult time with the crying than I do. It bothers me, but I can also empathize a bit, being a sensitive person myself. Sometimes I think that if we would just let him really get his feelings out and not keep trying to convince him he should stop crying, it might get over more quickly. I think that sometimes he needs to feel that it's okay to express sadness, and that when we urge him to stop crying, we minimize and invalidate his feelings. I do not tolerate screaming and tantrum-like behavior, but I tell him it's okay to cry when you are sad.

[Scarlett]

 

When I said you shouldn't throw his toys (sticks) "to the dogs", I was speaking euphemistically. I didn't mean you intentionally threw it to the dog, or that he knew you threw it in the vicinity of the dog; I was saying that you shouldn't show a lack of respect for his property. .

 

This made me LOL Colleen. Yes, I did understand you. I agree that I shouldn't have shown disrespect for his property...and I was musing that I dont think he even knows I showed disrespect for his property and so therefore we are back to

 

But the bigger issue, imo, is his melodramatic behavior after the fact. You mentioned that he wouldn't have dragged it out like that if your father had been there. Why is your dad's voice of authority more significant than your own? That's the question. Not one I'm trying to make you work through here; just something to think on.

 

Which I also think is the bigger issue. And the answer is I don't know. He would not drag it out like that if dh was here either, but I dh is much harsher on him in those situations than my dad is. I LIKE the way my dad handles him...I just don't know why I can't say the same words and it work so magically.

 

Calmly telling him to go to his room until he calms down because the wailing is unacceptable...that works eventually. He will cry for 10-15 minutes. I want him to stop it much sooner than that. And I know he can because he does it for my dad. Btw, ds has never actually gone TO the whining bench outside. That is how fast he hushes up for my Dad.

[Scarlett]

Dh tends to have a more difficult time with the crying than I do. It bothers me, but I can also empathize a bit, being a sensitive person myself. Sometimes I think that if we would just let him really get his feelings out and not keep trying to convince him he should stop crying, it might get over more quickly. I think that sometimes he needs to feel that it's okay to express sadness, and that when we urge him to stop crying, we minimize and invalidate his feelings. I do not tolerate screaming and tantrum-like behavior, but I tell him it's okay to cry when you are sad.

 

I was much more like you when ds was 4.5. (the incidents you describe are EXACTLY like things we went through at that age). I've found myself getting a little (ha!) more irritated though as he gets older. I mean how long can an 8 yo cry over a stick? OTOH, I did not express any sympathy today and maybe he just needed a tad of that from me and he could have gotten over it.

 

Thanks for recounting stories about your son. It helps me remember my ds isn't just the same as he was at age 4.

[DB in NJ]

This made me LOL Colleen. Yes, I did understand you. I agree that I shouldn't have shown disrespect for his property...and I was musing that I dont think he even knows I showed disrespect for his property and so therefore we are back to

 

 

 

Which I also think is the bigger issue. And the answer is I don't know. He would not drag it out like that if dh was here either, but I dh is much harsher on him in those situations than my dad is. I LIKE the way my dad handles him...I just don't know why I can't say the same words and it work so magically.

 

Calmly telling him to go to his room until he calms down because the wailing is unacceptable...that works eventually. He will cry for 10-15 minutes. I want him to stop it much sooner than that. And I know he can because he does it for my dad. Btw, ds has never actually gone TO the whining bench outside. That is how fast he hushes up for my Dad.

 

Ya know what's funny? I am SUCH a softie with my boys; when my oldest was little and now with my youngest, they cry and I just.....melt. dh, otoh, snaps at them to "dry it up!" and they do. Pronto. BUT, when it comes to our dd??? Well, I'm the tough one and dh is the softie.

 

Totally pointless post. Just got me thinking about how different we are with our children of the opposite sex...

[Brenda in FL]

Calmly telling him to go to his room until he calms down because the wailing is unacceptable...that works eventually. He will cry for 10-15 minutes. I want him to stop it much sooner than that. And I know he can because he does it for my dad. Btw, ds has never actually gone TO the whining bench outside. That is how fast he hushes up for my Dad.

 

 

I have one that gets overly upset about stuff like this, and oh the wailing and gnashing of teeth!!

 

Instead of sending him to his room to "calm down" - send him in to "stop," then when he doesn't he is in disobedience to you and then you can give him whatever the consequence is for disobedience. Once he knows that you really mean him to stop, maybe he'll start responding the same way with you as with your dad.

[Rosie_0801]

How about everyone gets a bit of respect for property? You shouldn't commit hideous crimes like throwing sticks of great sentimental value out of your bathroom to be snatched up by animals who haven't evolved far enough to be capable of differentiating between normal boring sticks and extra special sticks. In return your darling child should learn to respect your property by not filling your best favourite bathroom up with sticks!

Perhaps you can explain that you'll know it's his best favourite stick if it is in his room, and you won't touch it; but if he leaves it anywhere else you'll think it's his least favourite and you'll think you are doing him a favour by throwing it away.

Remembering I went through a rock phase myself. I particularly liked the purple ones from the creek behind my grandparent's house. It must be a kid thing...

:)

Rosie

[Perry]

I just finished reading Siblings Without Rivalry, and she has a very different approach to conflicts. (I know your situation doesn't involve siblings, but the approach would be similar.)

 

Here's what she recommends (paraphrased):

 

Step 1. Acknowledge and restate what you see as the problem.

Ex. "You are really upset because I threw your stick away. That stick must have been really important to you." Listen to what he has to say.

 

Step 2. Express your point of view.

Ex. "I feel annoyed when I find your sticks in my space."

 

Step 3. Have him brainstorm with you.

Ex. "Let's think of what we can do so it doesn't happen again."

 

Step 4. Write down all ideas (yours and his), without criticism or evaluating.

 

Then both of you are supposed to come to an agreement that makes everyone happy.

 

 

 

It's interesting, because since reading the book, my kids have been getting along much better. And I haven't even ever got to the last step. I think many of the conflicts have been diffused right at the start, by my simply reflecting back what I see happening, It certainly takes the emotion out of it, for me, and it seems to make them step back and realize they're being ridiculous. (Not that your son is being ridiculous- that stick really is important to him, right at this moment, anyway.) I really like the approach, and it feels a lot better than the butting of heads that goes on around here sometimes.

[Scarlett]

Obviously I am evil. I would have said "I was a stick, you shouldn't have put it into the tub, go cry someplace else."

 

:D Thanks. Evil moms everywhere thank you.

 

I'm usually pretty sympathetic to his tender heart, but at times I just want him to STOP IT!

 

I can get control of him in a day or two, by being firm yet kind about how much I'm willing to listen to. It seems though that he slips back into supreme drama mode very quickly.