The older you are when you have children...

[Heather in Neverland]

... The less time you will have with your grandchildren.

 

That's what someone said to me. I am not kidding.

 

And I was angry. But then I thought , wow, I will be 58 when my youngest graduates from high school. If I am lucky, she gives me a grandchild by the time I am in my mid-60s. If the average lifespan for an American is 78 then I get around 10 years or less with any children my daughter has (of course I will have more time with any grandchildren my oldest child gives me so that's something).

 

My grandmothers both died when I was an adult, 1 when I was 24, the other when I was 40. So they were a part of my life for a long time. Not only that, but my daughter will still be very young when I die. Maybe not even 40 years old. Using the average, I will be around 60 when my mom goes.

 

At any rate, I thought it was sort of a rude thing to say to me but it also made me sad. I had never thought of it that way before.

 

No question here. Just thinking...

[Dandelion]

That does seem a bit rude, or at least uncaring.

 

I had my kids late too. Had DS right before I turned 32, and DD at 36. So I'm right there with ya. A more positive way of looking at this is that we have extra motivation to take good care of ourselves so we can enjoy our grandkids. ;)

 

:grouphug:

[Impish]

Nobody knows how much time any of us have. Having kids early or late is no guarantee of anything.

[Catwoman]

So basically, you should have deprived your youngest child of a silly little thing called LIFE because it would be unfair to his children (that he may never have,) to have a little old lady for a grandmother? :glare:

 

Give me a break.

 

I'm sure the woman didn't intend to be mean or rude, but really, there's no guarantee that any of us will be here tomorrow, let alone 40 years from now, so to worry about the possibility that future grandchildren will somehow miss out on spending half their lives with their grandparents seems ridiculous.

[Guest]

"Who then, by worrying, can add so much as an hour to their lives?" I agree that it was rude, but remember, none of us knows what is in store for us. We take each day as it comes. You would not have had your beautiful dd in your life if you had been committed to a cut-off date that would not have allowed you to agree to parenting her beyond age (whatever) 30, 35 or whatever.

[regentrude]

My Grandmother had my mom at age 44 and was 71 when I was born. She lived with us and helped raise me and died when I was 22.

You never know.

[Night Elf]

Think quality not quantity.

[elegantlion]

Yes, indeed rude. Dh and I have longevity (don't know the technical term) in our genetics. His grandmother is in her 90s (dh is 52), my grandparents lived into their 90s. My parents are mid 70s, as is dh's mother. Dh's father would have been 75 today, however, he passed away in 1970 at the age of 32. We are not guaranteed to enjoy the lives of our children, much less our grandchildren, regardless of what age we are.

 

Dh was 37, I was 30 when ds was born. I know we are better parents for having waited. Our parents are actively involved in his life, they all have their mental and physical faculties intact. 70 is not dead yet. As my mother tells me, don't bury me yet, I'm still very much alive.

[ErinE]

I don't think it was necessary for her to say anything like that. What happens if your children opt out of having children? Does the possibilty of having grandchildren make having children "worth it"? It just seems like inviting worries you have no control over.

 

Plus, people are living longer lives. My children had all four maternal great grandparents alive when they were born and two paternal great grandparents. They still have all four grandparents. My mother and dh's parents have a high likelihood of living into their nineties. Average life expectancy includes a skew towards deaths during youth (which has a higher risk of death than the middle years).

[unsinkable]

I'm sure it is true statistically across a wide enough sample of people.

 

Have a child when you are 20 who has a child when she is 20 and then live to 100.

 

Bingo! 80 years with grandkids.

[Caroline]

My grandma is 99. She has had great grandchildren for 19 years. My parents are 72. They have had grandchildren for 19 years. They had their youngest at 34. I had my youngest at 36. Say he doesn't have a kid until he is 36. I will be 72. That still gives me 8+ years if I die when my youngest dying grandparent died. I had my oldest at 25. He might have kids before the youngest graduates from high school.

 

Life is precious. Enjoy what you have!

[Mrs Mungo]

I don't think it's any more rude than people who say, "we had kids later because I wanted to experience life and travel and get an education before having kids." We all make choices. Every choice we make has positives and negatives. There is no sense getting worked up about the basis upon which someone else made their choices.

[Rose in BC]

My mom had seven children. Five in seven years then an eight year break and had me, then my sister. She began having grandchildren while still raising kids (I was 11 when I became an aunt). She was 69 when my first daughter was born, she'll be 85 this year. My dad died when I was 32 but my mom is still going strong.

 

I really benefited from having older siblings . . Still do although I think the worry of aging goes more for my siblings. My oldest brother is 15 years older than me. My oldest sister already has had heart attacks. So my younger sister and I are more freaked out by our aging siblings than our aging mom. You expect your parents to age and mostly pass away before you do but it's harder to imagine the passing of my siblings.

 

Anyway nothing is guaranteed in life. You just have to live each days as if it's all you've got.

[unsinkable]

You only got 84600 seconds in day

Live like your dyin'

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Whoh- ooooooh, like you're dyin!

[KungFuPanda]

Just because it's probably true doesn't mean it's a nice thing to say.

 

My children (12 and 15) have relationships with their grandparents who are all vital, working 60-somethings. They just lost one great grandparent, but my grandmother continues to be an important part of their lives. I LOVE that they do know the people I grew up to love.

 

That said, Their lives are destined to have different people than mine. They love and are loved. I'm not sure how important it is that everyone is blood related. We moved away from my whole family, but we've surrounded ourselves with people we care about. It's a GOOD life. It doesn't HAVE to look like anyone else's.

 

 

[celticmom]

My father was close to 40 when I was born. When my dd was born he was still in excellent health and there was no reason to believe that he would not continue to live much longer. He died when dd was about a year old in an car/motorcycle accident. He was on the motorcycle. That event could have happened at any point in his life and was completely unrelated to his age(no, younger reflexes could not have prevented this accident).

[unsinkable]

And it's not necessarily a nasty thing to say either.

 

We don't know the context or the tone. We only know that heather said it made her angry and then it made her sad.

 

[kalanamak]

My father was 94 when his last grandchild (so far) was born. I recall him, hard of hearing, using his walker to get to the living room chair and shouting, "BRING ME THAT BABY! I'm good for 20 minutes! BRING ME THAT BABY!" Same baby was really the twilight joy of my mother's life.

 

So, turn it around: having children late in life means you get a chance at a new grandchild late in life.

[Reeciecup]

She was probably just trying to make herself feel better about having kids early.

[AndyJoy]

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!"

 

Rude. It would be one thing if you were a newlywed and she were giving you life advice/pointing out the pros/cons of different choices, but to try to diminish your enjoyment of what you already have is obnoxious. It's not like it's something you can change now anyway (if you even wanted to), for crying out loud!

 

My great-grandma lived a hard farm life, but lived to 97. She got to enjoy her great-great-grandchildren. And other women die tragically young and don't even get to raise their children. Life is unpredictable that way!

[gardenmom5]

how much time we have with grandchildren is dependent upon many things. How old are the children when they marry? how old are the children when they *produce* grandchildren? what's your health? how long lived were your parents? those are just a paltry few factors in natural causes. say's nothing of accidents.

 

my df and fil didn't live long enough to become grandfathers (or even see all their children graduate from high school) - they both died young. I've a dear friend whose dh died of a massive heart attack at 38.

[Halftime Hope]

I like what unsinkable said, b/c although I have admired Heather for many years, I could have just as easily siad that in a conversation with her (since I wasn't there and don't know what the context was.) If I had said it, it would have been because I'm processing a lot of that kind of "stuff" right now, as I'm at "half-time." I'm literally graduating my youngest and hit the Big Five-oh this year.

 

So, to all who are reading, from those of us who unwittingly put our feet in our mouths, please understand it isn't always rudeness. Heather, I'm sorry!

 

One other thought re. what we do with the years we have: I'm thinking about how to start teaching myself to be the sweet, kind person I want to be and learning to temper my responses so that I'm in the habit of peace and gentleness by the time I hit old age and infirmity. I'm older than my brother by enough years that the grandparents I remember aren't the one he remembers. It's that way among my children and their memories of their dearly departed grandparents as well. It's sad, and I'd like to do better in my final years.

[sheryl]

Well, Heather, you are young - 43'ish? Or, maybe my math is wrong... :)

 

This was probably well-intentioned, so I wouldn't stir the pot. The person who spoke this may have been through a sad situation or know of someone who did. I will say though she should not have spoken it (well intention or not). OTOH, maybe her experience, if she had one, was still raw.

 

I'm into my 50's and my dd will soon turn 14. Let me put this another way. My oldest niece (brother's daughter) is 35.

[Rose in BC]

Oh and btw my mom always says how happy she is she has young (a relative term at this point :)) children as well as her older ones. In fact she is enjoying her grandchildren more now than when she was in her forties with the first batch. (Don't get me wrong she loves us all.)

[Caroline]

Oh and btw my mom always says how happy she is she has young (a relative term at this point :)) children as well as her older ones. In fact she is enjoying her grandchildren more now than when she was in her forties with the first batch. (Don't get me wrong she loves us all.)

 

 

Like your mom, my mom and dad have both said they are happy I had my little two after they retired because they have more free time. So they were 54 and working when their first grandchild was born. They were 66 and retired to the beach when the last one was born. They can come up here any time they need a grandkids fix.

[FaithManor]

Nobody knows how much time any of us have. Having kids early or late is no guarantee of anything.

 

 

This exactly!

 

Besides, I think that we should base our decision of when to have children based on more important factors than being young when grandkids arrive.

 

Dh's paternal grandmother lived to be 98. For 92 of those years, she was healthy. She enjoyed all of grandchildren and met, held, and played with all but one of her great-grandchildren.

 

On the other hand, his uncle died of brain cancer in his late 40's. His daughter was 22 and his son 20. He has 3 grandchildren he never knew.

 

Faith

[Crimson Wife]

My paternal grandma got married in her 30's, which was apparently fairly typical for Irish-Americans in the early part of the 20th century. Her 4 kids were born when she was 33 through 39. She lived to be 99 and saw 6 great-grandkids born. My dad and my aunts were in their early 60's when my grandma passed.The grandkids ranged in age from 25 to 38.

 

Now my mom had me when she was 23 and I had my oldest at 25. So it's possible my mom could be a great-grandma in her very late 60's or early 70's (hopefully not any sooner!) and could even live to see a great-great-grandchild.

 

I couldn't find the actuarial data for my mom's current age, but if she makes it to her 65th birthday, on average white American women can expect to live another 20.5 years. Don't forget that the overall life expectancy is skewed downwards by all the people who die as babies, kids, teens, young adults, and middle-aged adults. There are no guarantees, of course, but there is a very good chance she'll live to her late 80's, 90's, or even 100+.

[I.Dup.]

"Thank you, Captain Obvious!"

 

Rude. It would be one thing if you were a newlywed and she were giving you life advice/pointing out the pros/cons of different choices, but to try to diminish your enjoyment of what you already have is obnoxious. It's not like it's something you can change now anyway (if you even wanted to), for crying out loud!

 

My great-grandma lived a hard farm life, but lived to 97. She got to enjoy her great-great-grandchildren. And other women die tragically young and don't even get to raise their children. Life is unpredictable that way!

 

 

Yes!

 

It was true in my family though. My grandparents were older when they had my parents (both sides). I am 30 and have no living grandparents, 3/4 of them were dead by the time I was 13. The only living one lived in a nursing home after that and we had no real relationship with her.

 

But either way, young or old, we aren't only NOT guaranteed a long life but we aren't guaranteed great relationships with our children or grandchildren. It can all be depressing if we think about it that way.

[readinmom]

That is incredibly rude. My parents had children in their 40s, I had dd when I was in my late 30s. It does not change anything!

I think my response back would be that I'd rather spend quality time with loved ones than with rude, insensitive people.

[oneddmanybooks]

I don't think it's any more rude than people who say, "we had kids later because I wanted to experience life and travel and get an education before having kids." We all make choices. Every choice we make has positives and negatives. There is no sense getting worked up about the basis upon which someone else made their choices.

 

We all make choices, yes. I just wish people would remember that some of us did NOT make the choice to wait until we were older to have kids. I didn't choose to be infertile for years before finally having a baby when we had been married for 14 years. I also did not choose to have an only child. But that's what we have, and we are very thankful for our wonderful dd!

 

I do not know if I will ever be a grandma, although I certainly would love it. One thing is for sure, though -- if God wants me to be a grandma, then I will be. It's so challenging to just trust Him for the future, but I'm trying.

[Bang!Zoom!]

Heather, if you think back, was it a cultural generalization statement and not necessarily pointed at you?

 

If whatever I've learned is even slightly accurate, isn't there a different value system on elders out that way?

[SunnyDays]

Whether it was intended as rude or just as an observation, Heather I'm sorry it made you sad. :grouphug: That said, it's also not necessarily true, as others have pointed out.

 

I'm 37. I still have three of my four grandparents, and didn't lose the fourth until I was in my 30's. All of my grandparents are in their 80's (though admittedly not in the best health anymore), and they've all been great-grandparents for 10 years. None of us have any idea how life will end up looking, whether we have kids in our 20's or our 40's.

[Mommyfaithe]

Nobody knows how much time any of us have. Having kids early or late is no guarantee of anything.

Yup. I have known moms who have died very young....and older moms become.....older grandmoms. No guarantees about anything. Ftr, I was a young mom.....and an old mom. My oldest kids really do not show any desire to have kids.....my youngers might make me a grandma sooner than them.....lol!

 

Anyway, people really should learn to clip their lips.....just because someone has a thought does not mean they should verbalized it.....

[J-rap]

That was a silly thing for her to say. We all make different choices depending on our circumstances -- and as others have said, sometimes our circumstances guide our choices -- but in the end, there are positives and negatives in every situation, even the best! It IS our choice to concentrate on the positives, and then God's will be done. :)

[Laura Corin]

My mother had me when she was 39. She's 88 now and has grandchildren aged 28 to 12. Look after yourself and have some luck, and you might have a good long time with grandchildren.

 

Laura

[Guest]

To me, it's rude because it's after the fact and not changeable anyway. Besides, we don't all necessarily get our children when and under the circumstances that we would have preferred. I did not wish to have a 5-year age gap between any of my children, but that's the way my hand was dealt, so...oh well.

[kewb]

That was a rude thing to say. It is something I have heard before and something I have pondered since I had my kids in my 30's but I would never say it to someone.

 

It reminds of the time when my ds was in 2nd grade and his friend was teasing him about being older (a whole 4 months older then ds) when finally ds looked at him and said "yes, you will always be older. You will probably die first."

[redsquirrel]

My answer would be: So what?

 

Really, what is the point of that statement? The older you are when you have kids, the older you are. Sounds like this person is a master of the obvious.

 

My friend had her baby at 21. She dropped dead at 22. Didn't seem to help her be around for her grandchildren.

[Happy]

Well.....life is uncertain. My parents were 17 and 21 when I was born. My dad died at 47 and never knew my sons. My mother died when my kids were 10 and 4, so having children at a young age doesn't guarantee time with grands.

 

It would have helped, I guess, if dh and I had children earlier (such is the fun of infertility)...we were late 20s and early 30s when our sons came along.

[KrissiK]

Well, yes, but what does that have to do with anything? It's a statement, but is it a statement that is intended to create a change in behavior? I am an older mom, but I got married later and we were infertile. I realize that I will be older when/if my kids get married and have children but.... So what? Should that have kept me from adopting my children, and enjoying the years we spend together? Because I'll be too old to enjoy my grandchildren? Because I will be depriving any future grandchildren of my presence in their lives? Oh brother.

[SKL]

Depending on the tone in which it was said, I don't think that would bother me. It's true, after all.

 

I am 40 years older than my kids, so I'm in the same boat. It's a bummer in a couple of ways. One, they might get less time with their own grandparents than their peers. And even if my parents live well into my kids' adulthood, they have both had constant medical issues throughout my kids' lives. And then, unless my kids decide to have kids young, my grandkids might miss out on a maternal grandparent all together.

 

But I'm fairly healthy, and as many have said, you never know. I don't plan to lose sleep over it. Live in the moment, I say.

[unsinkable]

I think many people are reading too much into this. Heather didn't say the context. She didn't say the woman meant that heather shouldn't have adopted her daughter or anything like that.

 

My parents died when I was a teenager. I had a boyfriend whose mother specifically told me how horrible it would be for her son to marry me because her future grandchildren would then only have 2 grandparents. Plus I was generally a genetic risk, in her opinion. She was such an @$$40l3.

[Farrar]

I think many people are reading too much into this. Heather didn't say the context. She didn't say the woman meant that heather shouldn't have adopted her daughter or anything like that.

 

Yeah, seriously. Heather doesn't say who even said it. It might have been someone who had kids even older and was now reflecting on that potentiality in her own life and trying to share her observations with someone who may be in a similar position.

 

I think I understand what Heather meant... sometimes you just have these moments of realizing things and musing on them... it doesn't have to mean she is regretful or sad about it - just thoughtful that her kids and eventual grandkids may have a different experience than she did.

 

Though, obviously, as everyone is saying, you don't know what the future will bring.

[catz]

I really think whether or not it was rude depends on tone and how it was said. If someone said "Wow - aren't you worried you won't ever meet your grandchildren?" Uber-rude. If someone said in passing about themselves "At least I'll hopefully have many years with grandchildren", I wouldn't give it a 2nd thought.

 

I can't see why someone saying they had kids late because they wanted to go to school and/or travel would be rude? If they said "Wow, why did you waste your 20's having kids? Don't you want to see the world?", super duper rude. Just because someone said something about themselves doesn't mean they're making a value judgment against you. Different life paths are right for different people. I had kids late. I met my husband late. It wasn't a plan. I ended up doing more schooling and travelling. It was just the way it worked out and I've been happy with my path. And I'm very happy for my friends who had children younger too and have enjoyed watching their children grow up.

 

Life is short. None of us knows how many days we have left. Enjoy 'em while you got 'em! :D

[Audrey]

I don't think it is sad. It is presumptuous to say that if you'd had them younger, you'd have more time with grandchildren. It presumes this person has some kind of psychic knowledge of your death. No one gets a guarantee on how long they'll live. It also presumes you'll have grandchildren.

 

The comment was obnoxious and needed a firm bless-your-heart thrown at it.

[Jean in Newcastle]

What's rude about it? Isn't it a simple fact? I had my dd on my dad's 80th birthday. It will be amazing if he sees her when she is 20.

[jelbe5]

What a rude thing to say. I was 32 when I had my first. That was when my dh and I were in the best place emotionally and financially to welcome children. I was a mess in my early to mid 20s before my dh and I married. With all the poor decisions I made during those years I am so grateful I did not bring a child into the mix. I dont think I would have been a good, stable parent at that time.

 

Also agreeing with Impish here. None of us knows the future. My dad was 30 when I was born. He will be 81 this year and is in great health and physical shape. We are fortunate. But why have children early in the hope you will be younger when you have grandchildren? That seems like a poor way to plan in my humble opinion.

[amy g.]

My grandmother died at 99 my dad only lived to 72.

 

I remember when my sister was bragging about being 3 years older. I said that just means shell die 3 years before I would. She tried to tell be that it didn't work that way, but I didn't believe her.

 

You can not IMAGINE how enraged I was at the unfairness when I found out she was actually correct.

[Word Nerd]

Without knowing the context in which it was said, I don't know if it was rude or not. Presumptuous? Yup.

[Heather in Neverland]

Good morning.

 

I don't want to give out too much info on the how and why so you'll all just have to trust me that it was said in a condescending fashion... Although I feel like deep down, this person is jealous.

 

And yes, what she said is probably true but it didn't need to be said. And yes it made me a little sad to think about it but then I read all of your responses ... And then I cuddled with my princess this morning and I decided...

 

She can get bent. I wouldn't change this for the world.