BakersDozen Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 After last week's u/s showed slow heart rate and measurements that were almost 2 weeks behind, today's u/s showed no heart beat and decreased growth. D&C is scheduled for Wednesday. I wish I'd not waited. I wish I'd found another doctor and gotten this taken care of this week rather than spending another week feeling sick and tired. I'm so done with this. My doctor made a big mistake when she asked if I wanted her to tie my remaining tube during the procedure. I just looked at her and didn't respond since there were no kind words in my mind at that moment. Needless to say, she will not be touching my remaining tube. What an idiot. Thank you for the PMs and good thoughts, ladies. I could say I'm doing well, that my focus is on God (HA!), that I'm being a pleasant person and mom. I could say those things but lying is not usually a good thing. I'm angry with myself for waiting, angry with my idiotic OB who maintained an attitude I did not appreciate (optimistic rather than realistic), angry at everything. So I'm drowning myself in chocolate, junk food and movies that have absolutely no purpose other than to fill my time and distract my mind. Oh, and when I asked my doctor if I could start with a methotrexate shot in hopes that something might happen before Wednesday she said 'no'. NO??? Anyone have any idea why she would say that? From what I understand, methotrexate is an option at this stage. Maybe she's hoping I'll agree to let her tie my tube and so wants me to have the D&C... ETA: I apologize to those who have experienced loss far worse than this. I know that what I'm going through is nothing compared to what some of you have suffered, and I imagine there are those here who are thinking that if this is all I am facing, I am lucky. Yes, I am lucky. I also know there are those who see my family size and might think, "Um, yeah, get over it already." I also apologize. I feel I should not complain, that I have no right to be so upset. I'm sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Miss Peregrine Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Awwww. :grouphug: I am so sorry. :( Rest, mama. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Melissa in Australia Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Heatherwith4 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TracyP Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eagle Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I'm so very sorry. *hugs* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bzymom Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I am so sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest inoubliable Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Oh, I am so sorry to hear. :( :grouphug: Please take care of yourself. Rest. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PrincessMommy Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 so sorry :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pod's mum Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I'm very sorry. Chocolate and tears do help. Lots of both. For a long time. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dandelion Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I'm so sorry. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jrn Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mergath Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
melbotoast Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justasque Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Oh, and when I asked my doctor if I could start with a methotrexate shot in hopes that something might happen before Wednesday she said 'no'. NO??? Anyone have any idea why she would say that? From what I understand, methotrexate is an option at this stage. ... I know that what I'm going through is nothing compared to what some of you have suffered, and I imagine there are those here who are thinking that if this is all I am facing, I am lucky. Yes, I am lucky. I also know there are those who see my family size and might think, "Um, yeah, get over it already." I also apologize. I feel I should not complain, that I have no right to be so upset. I'm sorry. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Did she not explain why she felt that way about the methotrexate? Your OB works for YOU - you are the client. YOU should be given the info so you can make informed decisions. If there's anything you don't understand, you should be able to ask questions and get thoughtful answers. That is the way my birth attendants have always treated me. It is even more important when you are facing such a heartbreaking situation. You have the right to ask again, or seek a second opinion, before your D&C if you wish. You do not need to apologize for sharing your feelings. Yes, there are always people worse off than you, and it's always good to think about that. But you have been through a devastating emotional and physical experience - do not feel the need to minimize that. Vent, cry, yell, get angry, grieve, pray - whatever you feel is what you feel. No need to be stoic, no need to apologize. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. Has anyone here been saying things to you along the lines of your ETA? Because we can totally form a WTM posse to go after them if so. I hear Mergath has some mad MMA skills. Seriously, your loss is still a loss, no matter how many kids you have or how far along you were. Don't let anyone guilt you into feeling bad about grieving--not even yourself. And if someone has been saying such things, shame on them. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
BakersDozen Posted January 12, 2013 Author Share Posted January 12, 2013 Has anyone here been saying things to you along the lines of your ETA? No, nor would I expect anyone on WTM to say anything. I wanted to add that to acknowledge those who may be reading/following what is going on yet have thoughts like that. It's tricky...feeling sorrow without feeling guilty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Impish Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Honey, your feelings of loss, anger and grief are valid. Period. NOBODY has the right to lessen them, simply b/c you have other children. That's like saying a 2nd child isn't as valued, loved, wanted, simply b/c they're not the first...which we all know is complete bull doody. You've NOTHING to feel guilty about. :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Juniper Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 (((((hugs))))) I think chocolate and movies is a great coping skill at times. Add a glass of port and I am right there with you for different reasons. ((((hugs)))) again!!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
justamouse Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: You have a right to mourn and grieve. No matter how many kids you have. No need to feel guilty. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jenL Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 No matter how many children you have, losing a baby is painful. I am so very sorry for your loss. Prayers are with you as you grieve. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kirch Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: You have a right to mourn and grieve. No matter how many kids you have. No need to feel guilty. Exactly. Having any number of other kids does NOT make *this* life any less precious. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Elizabeth in MN Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 *HUGS* Please don't feel bad or guilty for feeling your feelings. You're grieving, and that is okay. Sorrow, pain, sadness, loss - no one has a corner market on these things. We all feel them and not one drop of those feelings is any more or less than another. *HUGS* Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Audrey Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I'm so sorry. And, just. wow. on that doc. I truly hope you don't ever return to her. She is certainly not on the same page as you. She's not even reading the same book. I hope you can find another doc and leave this one in the dust. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unicorn. Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss. I'm sorry your doctor is an idiot! And I'm sorry you don't think you have a right to feel anger and grief. Every child is as precious as every other child, and you have every right to morn the loss of this one. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Susan in TN Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 ((((((hugs)))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dangermom Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Chocolate and movies are often good therapy; that's part of what got me through the loss of my first. :grouphug: Of course you're unhappy, and you have every reason to be. Acknowledging that is probably the only way to get through it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Danestress Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I'm so sorry. It sounds like a dreadful experience made worse by a doctor who isn't taking care of your real needs. ((((((Friend)))))) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jen in PA Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TammyinTN Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 You are in my thoughts and prayers. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
besroma Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Catwoman Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I'm so very sorry. And as others have already said, you have every right to be upset -- and we're all here for you if you need to vent or talk. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SJ. Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: I'm sorry :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catz Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GailV Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
freeindeed Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I am so sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Just Another Jen Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 I'm sorry that you were treated that way. I had a doctor with similar feelings towards me when I miscarried last month. We do not live in a culture of life and that stinks. I think you need chocolate, tea, and a good movie. Then start looking for a new doctor. Hugs. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lmrich Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 So sorry for your loss. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fraidycat Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: I'm sorry for your loss. And, I especially feel bad that you feel you have to minimize your loss because "it could be worse". A loss is a loss. You are entitled to every. single. one. of your feelings. The anger, grief, sadness, and so on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
celticmom Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: I am not certain that I would be able to trust that doctor to do a d&c and leave other areas alone. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SunnyDays Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Honey, speaking as a mom to an only child... I cannot imagine that even if I had twenty kids, that I would not grieve a lost one. :grouphug: You have every right to grieve this loss as you need to. And if that involves another half ton of chocolate, so be it. I can't imagine why she wouldn't let you have the drug, but at this point, who knows why she's doing anything. I hope you're able to find someone else once this is over, one who will listen to and support YOU! I wish you peace as you go through the next few days. We are here to listen and send you hugs. :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
AKshanmar Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 OH...I am so sorry.... I really have no idea what the right words are, and I don't know how to make the group hug thing, but I'm hurting for you. The doctor was wrong. I had a friend whose doctor did something similar, I guess they just see it from some odd medical perspective that doesn't have much to do with reality. Our thoughts are with you over the next few days. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Twigs Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Terabith Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: I'm so sorry. My prayers are with you. No matter what, it's the loss of a life of your child, and it is appropriate to grieve. Not to mention that you've been treated badly by this dr. She wouldn't even explain why this the shot wasn't an option? Sheesh! Is this a long time OB? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
chickenpatty Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: I'm sorry. :( Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mumto2 Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kathryn Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 :grouphug: I'm so sorry for your loss and your completely insensitive doctor. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Scarlett Posted January 12, 2013 Share Posted January 12, 2013 Honey, speaking as a mom to an only child... I cannot imagine that even if I had twenty kids, that I would not grieve a lost one. :grouphug: You have every right to grieve this loss as you need to. And if that involves another half ton of chocolate, so be it. I can't imagine why she wouldn't let you have the drug, but at this point, who knows why she's doing anything. I hope you're able to find someone else once this is over, one who will listen to and support YOU! I wish you peace as you go through the next few days. We are here to listen and send you hugs. :grouphug: Another mom of an only...I wanted more but didn't get more. Still and yet the lss of a baby, ANY baby is to be grieved, so sorry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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