Help me figure out what to give someone

[Lara in Colo]

DH's grandmother died last week and he and the older girls are going there tomorrow for the funeral.

 

GM spent that last 30 years (at least) living with her daughter and son, neither of the children married.

They used to travel together and do everything as a team, a really great and admirable working relationship.

 

Son has been becoming more disabled as the years go by, is very politically active for handicapped rights and goes to city meetings regularly. About 10 years ago he needed to purchase a mobile wheelie thing for his outside excursions but has a regular wheelchair for the house. He recently started needing help in/out of the tub.

 

GM developed Alz a couple of years ago, and became violent and dangerous to herself and her children.

They got her a nurse to come by a couple of times a week and in the end I think it was more.

 

Basically the 75yo daughter has been the caretaker of these two for as long as I can remember. It was fairly easy until about 10 years ago when son became less able to be mobile, but still wanted to do his "thing" so daughter would take him and gmother everywhere. The last two years, she hasn't been able to leave the house hardly at all, (her mother would wander and get lost) and gmother was violent around strangers (so a helper was out).

 

These people have been VERY good to us, and I said I would never name my child after anyone, but DD9 has GM's name as her middle. GM was dearly loved by us, so I don't want to lessen this time for her daughter. There will be a lot of people at GM's service as she was 98 and active until two years ago (she was written up in the paper for her volunteering).

 

 

 

So..... I know this 75yo woman, who just lost her mother, is feeling a lot of things.

 

grief

loss

remorse

 

but probably also:

 

relief

guilt.

 

What can I get her (not too much money since we are REALLY hurting for money and have to drive out of town for this funeral and take three days off) that will help her to feel better and possibly give her permission to feel the relief and less guilt?

 

I was thinking a spa day, but I don't know if she would go.

I might do a bath salts basket thing but it seems sort of, "here--- stay in your house some more", and I think it would just sit in a corner and not get used. I am not going, otherwise I would drag her to the spa with me (I've never been either!).

I have tried to get her to visit us, but she wouldn't leave them for the last three years, perhaps she would go somewhere now.

If I had the money, I would give her a trip to Australia (they have been everywhere else, just about).

 

I sort want to give her permission to be sort selfish for a little while (even for a few hours).

 

so... any ideas??

 

Lara

[Dandelion]

A spa certificate sounds nice (maybe one that's flexible in terms of what she uses it for, so she can decide what services she wants). Or maybe a gift certificate to a nice restaurant?

 

I'm sorry for your loss. :grouphug:

[magnificent_baby]

I think food is always appreciated in times of grief and stress. IME, when you are so busy with visitors/phone calls/funeral arrangements, you often neglect to eat well or at all. I have called local grocery stores, with a floral department, to put together a fruit basket for me for out of town gifts. Or your husband could do this as well, since he would be in town. You could send him with an inexpensive basket (or one you already have around the house), or even make one up yourself today with non-parishable foods.

 

Or maybe a gift card to the local grocery store. Some of our stores have buffets/restaurants in them, so she could treat herself to a meal instead.

 

Maybe a nice long note, explaining how much you appreciated her help for GM, when you couldn't be right there in the more difficult times.

[Parrothead]

Perhaps you are jumping the gun a bit here. She probably needs to grieve a bit before going on any trips or to the spa. I know if someone suggested it to me when I was in the middle of burying my mom I'd probably lose it on said person.

 

I know you want to do something nice for her. Maybe waiting a bit for any self indulging gifts would be best. What would you think of a book of inspirational stories for now? Then a more indulgent gift just because in a few months.

[Lara in Colo]

Perhaps you are jumping the gun a bit here. She probably needs to grieve a bit before going on any trips or to the spa. I know if someone suggested it to me when I was in the middle of burying my mom I'd probably lose it on said person.

 

I know you want to do something nice for her. Maybe waiting a bit for any self indulging gifts would be best. What would you think of a book of inspirational stories for now? Then a more indulgent gift just because in a few months.

 

 

 

I think you make a valid point, I don't think it is correct in this situation ( I know them well) however, waiting for the indulgence gift can never hurt.

 

I think the book is a good idea.

 

Any suggestions?

She is devout Catholic if that helps.

Is there a Chicken Soup for the "you've been overworked and underappreciated" soul?

[Halftime Hope]

I have been in the daughter's shoes. I cannot tell you how much it meant to me that people came up to me or wrote me notes saying how much they appreciated my loving care for the elderly person. So, first off, I would take time to sit down and write a heartfelt letter, giving specific details of what you appreciate in her service and her treatment of the grandmother.

 

As part of the letter, I would ask her what you can do for her, including the invitation to come visit. (You can say something about limited means if you want to.) It meant a lot to me when the person who should have been caring for my FIL (my MIL who was estranged from him) asked what she could do for me. I named what I wanted--I wanted to finish my upcoming school year in peace without having to move during the school year--and while she was alive, she granted that.

 

Perhaps if she doesn't come up with anything, or even if she does, you can still do the "I'm thinking of you, and I want you to know, again, how much we appreciate you" gift.

[Parrothead]

 

 

 

I think you make a valid point, I don't think it is correct in this situation ( I know them well) however, waiting for the indulgence gift can never hurt.

 

I think the book is a good idea.

 

Any suggestions?

She is devout Catholic if that helps.

Is there a Chicken Soup for the "you've been overworked and underappreciated" soul?

Let me ask over at the group about inspirational catholic books.

[Lara in Colo]

I have been in the daughter's shoes. I cannot tell you how much it meant to me that people came up to me or wrote me notes saying how much they appreciated my loving care for the elderly person. So, first off, I would take time to sit down and write a heartfelt letter, giving specific details of what you appreciate in her service and her treatment of the grandmother.

 

As part of the letter, I would ask her what you can do for her, including the invitation to come visit. (You can say something about limited means if you want to.) It meant a lot to me when the person who should have been caring for my FIL (my MIL who was estranged from him) asked what she could do for me. I named what I wanted--I wanted to finish my upcoming school year in peace without having to move during the school year--and while she was alive, she granted that.

 

Perhaps if she doesn't come up with anything, or even if she does, you can still do the "I'm thinking of you, and I want you to know, again, how much we appreciate you" gift.

 

 

Thank you so much for your perspective!!! I will certainly send her a letter! She is such a self depreciating person, she would never suggest (or probably even do) any thing for herself.

 

Hey would a movie ticket and dinner coupon be good?

[Harriet Vane]

I like the letter idea a lot.

 

I will just add perhaps a mani-pedi?

[*********]

Honestly, I'd give cash.

 

I know you said you're strapped. But whatever amount you were thinking of spending on a gift, I'd give it to her in a card as cash.

 

You know why? Because funerals are expensive. Even if 'everything's covered', you always end up spending a lot of money. And I never had a clue about this until my dh lost both his mother and father within 2 1/2 years of each other. Lots of unexpected expenses come up. I don't just mean for the actual burial/casket/whathaveyou. I mean, dh needed a specific color dress shirt (because it was his mother's favorite color, and all the men decided to wear it). He needed new dress shoes. We ate out with family a few times, and we NEVER eat out. Flowers/pictures/plants for the viewing. Veggie/fruit/snack tray at the funeral home for all of us that were there for hours and hours. Stuff like that. It all adds up.

 

So I'd give her a nice card and write whatever sentiment you want in it, letting her know that the money was for whatever she wanted. Sometimes, that's the best way to bless someone. And if she wants to go get a massage or get her nails done with it, well then good for her! She could use some pampering it sounds like.

 

Just my $0.02.

[runbikeswim]

I agree that a card or letter acknowledging and thanking her for her years of dedication to and caretaking of her family would be priceless. If it were me, a weekend at a bed and breakfast would be the ultimate luxury. Perhaps you could pool money from the entire family? Perhaps, if she is devout, you could arrange a weekend at a nearby retreat (monastary or convent), there are some in most states. The cost is minimal, often donation only.