Psychologist is pushing attending high school

[Faithr]

Our 14 yo son was diagnosed this summer with depression with anxiety, ADD primarily inattentive, and possibly Asperger's. That last diagnosis really threw us for a loop as we have a nephew who very noticeably displays Asperger symptoms whereas our son does not, but he does have the rigid thinking and struggles with social skills that put him in the Asperger's category.

 

Our psychologist, who I like very much, but who has never dealt with homeschoolers before, really thinks high school would be a good thing for ds. He really needs structure (and I am not so good at supplying that, though I do try!). Also, she thinks that he needs to work on his social skills but he tends to retreat from any social situations that give him anxiety, something that he has the freedom to do in homeschooling. I think she also thinks I am too much of a softie and don't require enough of him and that he needs to be more independent. She's recommending that he go to a small private alternative learning type school.

 

Ds fluctuates in whether he wants to go or not. All last year he really wanted to go, but now he's says no, not at all. He acts like he's scared now that it could become a reality.

 

High school for me was hell. I hated it the whole 4 years. My dh on the other hand loved his high school and had the time of his life. He was involved in student government, debate team and did high school theater. I could see my son, if he could just get over his hang ups, being just like that, enjoying those same type of activities.

 

We just got back from the dr. If ds does go to one of these type high schools we need start getting the ball rolling now. Anybody else confront this kind of dilemma? I'm thinking ds should at least visit a couple high schools to see what it is like. But on the other hand, I'd really just like to homeschool him for high school, if I could only figure how to help him with his issues.

[PeterPan]

Are there any half way options he can try? Too bad he can't take just a class or two this semester at one of those schools, just to try it and see how that really works for him.

[Tiramisu]

I had a dd quite a bit younger who sound a bit like your ds. She can really get caught up into negative thinking and has a lot of energy which needs to be directed well...or else. She went through a really depressed period when a lot of unfortuate things happened in her life. We tried everything, counselling, medical tests, supplements, a SAD light box, endless activities, and nothing got better and the whole family was affected. It was the hardest but the best decision to give school a try. I could never in a million years provide her with the structure and the positive reinforcement that our local school provides. Even with some anxiety, she literally brightened up after one day of school. She was the last one who I thought would be successful in school, who I thought I would have to homeschool if no one else, and there she is, doing amazingly well. And so.very.much. happier. It wouldn't work for everyone, but I would consider trying if both of you see potential positives even if you're not absolutely convinced it's the answer.

 

I know I've often seen on the boards that school won't solve problems (behavioral, emotional, etc.) but it seems to have happened with my dd, even though it's not perfect. And I know it's happened in my life, when I felt at a kind of dead end and then got into a new situation with new faces and it helped recharge my batteries, if that makes sense. Of course, the quality of the school could make all the difference.

[MomatHWTK]

I think there are alternatives to ps, but you have to make them happen. KWIM? If he needs exposure to social settings, then find ways to get them. Work on the structure., etc. The feedback I've gotten from our doc is that there are only so many hats a parent can wear. I've opted to keep trying to wear them all. But I do get a positive response from the therapist when I can go in and say, "This is how we are meeting this need..."

 

I also was gently told that I was being too much of a softie. I think the wording was something like, "If you want to see change you are going to have to push a little more."

[RamonaQ]

I would probably put in applications so that will still be a possibility while you sort it out. Would part- time be an option?

 

I very much connect with the comment how hard it is to be EVERYTHING....I am especially feeling this as we hit high school age. When we toured our local high school, and saw all the clubs, sports, facilities, and activities, I really felt that ( and it is not to say that I couldn't provide an equally mesmerizing homeschooling environment if I had unlimited time, energy, money, inclination.....)

[Faithr]

He is going to a one day a week 'school' (that's the Aquinas Learning in my signature), but it doesn't seem to be enough. I have tried very hard to provide the structure and the opportunities he needs but his depression and anxiety, rigid thinking, etc make it all very difficult and frankly emotionally draining for me. It affects everybody in the family. I think the psych feels sorry for me! She said she thought I was trying so hard to wear all those hats, so to her finding a good school placement for him seems like a good move. Of course she does come from a very different perspective in that she's never dealt with homeschoolers before. However, she seems pretty open minded about it, at least so far. I talked to my son this a.m. and told him I thought he should at least go visit a couple of schools to see what he thinks. He might be pleasantly surprised or really become vehement against the idea. If he's really vehement, then I think we need to sit down with the psychologist and come up with a plan where I don't bear the brunt of all his anger, melancholy, irritation, etc. He has to agree to being open to working on his social issues instead of getting mad and retreating or blaming everyone else because he has trouble coping. But he'll need a certain amount of clarity on that, and he's not there yet. I think seeing different schools and really weighing options with the psychologist helping in the decision making, might lend to helping to clarify matters to him. If he really doesn't want to go to school (and frankly, it would be a sea change for all of us so I am not jumping at the bit to make the change) I'll continue to homeschool him, but we have to have a plan of action where he is accountable to some degree (and I think I'll need the support of being accountable to someone too, which is why I want the psychologist in on the decision making). If he decides school is a good idea (and my dh thinks, why not try it for a year and see? If it doesn't work, he can come back home), then we'll go that route.

 

Thanks for letting me talk here. I literally have no one else to talk to about these issues right now.

[PeterPan]

You know when you explain it like that, as a mental health move, I would do it. Or at least it seems like in your gut you think it's the right thing to do. So I hope, for all your sakes, you find a place that's workable. Keep us posted on what you find!

[Ottakee]

School can be a good thing for many kids. Even if it gives you and him a mental health break, it is worth considering.

 

I put mine in school in 7th grade and they have thrived. One is in resource room classes and the other in a more self contained room for mentally impaired students. They both love school and it provides many more peers than the homeschool group. It could be that your son would find his niche in school with a robotics club, or science olympiad, or some of ther interest where he can hang out with like minded kids with adult supervison.

[merry gardens]

Faithr-- you should go check out the school(s) you are considering. It might help make things clearer to you. We're in a somewhat similar situation as we're trying to decide what to for our 14 yo son's schooling for next year. No psychologist is pushing anything, but we're exploring his various high school options.

 

Where I live, private schools have open houses and admissions tests around this time of year. My ds, my husband and I have attended some of these and plan to attend more. We recently visited one high school that can accomodate special needs, but it did not feel like a good fit for my son. After looking at it, I feel better about homeschooling for high school than I did before I saw it. I might not do everything as well as that school does, I do some things far better! (The history courses would leave any classical homeschooler underwhelmed.) We're exploring a couple other schools too.

 

At this point, my ds wants to homeschool. I don't know what we'll ultimately decide to do. These are tough decisions, but if you look at a school and love it--or don't-- the decision may get easier.

[Tokyomarie]

I might not do everything as well as that school does, I do some things far better! (The history courses would leave any classical homeschooler underwhelmed.)

 

My son now attends a middle college, which is kind of a hybrid high school/community college program. At this point all of his classes are at the community college. I didn't realize clearly until after he enrolled, but his school doesn't even require American History for graduation! Can you believe it?? He was required to take American Government, but the class was way less demanding than either of the government courses I did with my girls. Ds didn't have American History before he entered as an 11th grader because I was following the 4 year history plan. We had done Ancients and Medieval for 9th and 10th grade. I told him last summer that he would need to do American History for me on the side if he didn't take it at the CC.

 

It is true that the school does offer some advantages for my son and is, overall, not been a bad choice. However, I would love to have control over his writing and humanities/social science courses again. As a homeschooler with a classical bent, I am dying inside from not being able to make sure he gets the education in those areas that I would prefer for him.

[Faithr]

Thanks everyone, for your input. I am having insomnia over this darn kid (well, there are other reasons too). He really, really doesn't want to go to school right now. I think we should go to an open house or shadow for a day just to be sure, but now I'm thinking I'd much rather homeschool him. I just have to cut a deal with him that certain things have to happen in order for homeschooling to work out. I really don't trust schools to teach well and school comes at such a price. Such a loss of freedom and having to put up with screwy values, etc. Right now it all seems so wearying. And the thing is I like my son, in spite of the fact that he is hard to live with! He's smart and funny, vulnerable, sensitive, creative, full of insight. I'd miss him! They fly the coop soon enough! So if I can just get my act in gear. . . . my dh says I'm on a roller coaster right now. Ask me in an hour and I'll have a different response! LOL. Ah well. . .